Step daughter afraid of me

[Tinkerbellsmum84]

Hi this is my first post, it could be a bit of a long one…

I have 4 children, 2 step daughters (15& 12), a daughter from a previous relationship (9) and a son with my husband (2). My husband & I have been married 1 year in Sept but been together for 8 years.
There was a gap in our relationship after about 4 years for about 3-4 months (there was a lot happening at the time and my husband had a bit of a break down, there was a lack of communication). We ended up selling our family home and buying separate houses, then a few months later got back together and sorted everything out. An expensive mistake but we have been happily all living back together for the last 3 years.

My step daughters have always been treat the same as my other children, we see them half of the time and although things weren’t always great I now have a good relationship with their mother. I feel like I go above and beyond for all of the kids and tend to over compensate because the 3 girls have separated parents and we only see them half of the time. We always make an effort to buy them nice things, make sure they don’t miss out on anything etc. I’m not saying that I am perfect by any stretch but I do put a lot of pressure on myself not to let anything slip (its truly exhausting)

My 12yo over the last few years has been increasingly distant with me and looks like a rabbit in headlights if I so much as look at her the wrong way. If I ask her to tidy her room she’ll scurry to it as if she’s going to have capital punishment if she doesn’t. Shes a people pleaser and I really try to encourage her to have her own thoughts and opinions but its not working. Sometimes she visibly shakes when I speak to her, if I ask her about it she bursts into tears and my husband has a go at me because it must have been the way I said it or I’m not supporting her. I have on occasion been really frustrated with the way things play out and verbally made my feelings known.
For example:
me: kids can you put your clothes away please?
sd: (staring at me looking like she will burst into tears)
me: whats up? Are you ok?
sd: whispers\squeaks ye
me: you look like you're going to cry, whats wrong? I’ve just asked you to put your clothes away
sd: shaking bursts into tears

Its just become the way it is, probably since before me & her dad split. It got better for a while but recently is just spiralled again. I feel like a wicked step mother. But I don’t know what I’m doing to make her so scared of me.
I’m posting here because yesterday when my mum was round another similar situation played out and SD went off in tears & my mum turned to me and said ‘that kid is terrified of you’ and told me I ask her too many questions. Im so confused.

None of the other kids are like this with me, like I say, I’m no disney mum, I do tell them off when its needed & I do expect homework, rooms not full of dirty dishes etc the norm I think!

I don’t know what I’m looking for here and thanks for sticking with it if you’ve made it this far, but I just needed to write this down to see if I am actually the wicked witch of the west!

Have you ever tried ignoring the reaction instead of questioning her? My DD has anxiety and if her dad were to question her about her reaction it would make her really upset. Personally I'd have just said about picking up the clothes and then left it. That's a lot of questioning to be giving a kid who's not currently feeling comfortable around you.

Do you have a loud voice? My DD is very sensitive to loud voices and associates them with anger, there is a lot of back story to this. If you raised your voice a bit on a bad day you could terrify my DD. Some days she even struggles with me calling out to the other kids if I'm in the room she's in when I do so. Is it possible her dad said something when you were split up that made her believe you are scary? Could have been by accident if he was struggling.

Thanks for the feedback. I don’t have a loud voice but people have said before I’m very direct and to the point sometimes if that makes sense.

When we split up the kids were 4 years younger than now & my husband gave the kids the choice of whether to stay or go. They chose go so that made his mind up at the time. We argued a lot (not in front of the kids but I’m not daft enough to realise it didn’t affect them). Their mum and her family had also been very vocal to them about me around that time too. My step daughter had been in hospital about 12 months prior to us separating and the staff had referred to me as her step mum, her mum had me and my family banned from visiting and I wonder if this has had a ‘subconscious’ affect on her. This was where our issues started as a couple as well as a ‘homes from hell’ type of renovation on top.

I might be unreasonable to feel that at the age of 12 she could see that I’m not a witch and I treat her the same and love her the same as all of the kids. I can’t fathom what it is I’m doing wrong

If she is anxious (and clearly she is, for whatever reason) they you probably need to stop treating her exactly the same as the others and start making allowances for the fact she is anxious.

Children are different from each other. Parenting that works and is successful on one isn't necessarily what another child needs.

If you and her dad have had some difficult times then that will have impacted both of them.

But some children are more resilient than others. She is (currently) not resilient and you probably need to dial up the empathy and kindness a bit.

I'm not saying that she doesn't have to tidy her room or do the dishwasher or whatever but your current communication methods clearly aren't appropriate for the situation.

Have you ever taken her out for the day. Just you and her. Said sometime like
Step DD it would be lovely to go and get a manicure or whatever she likes. And just spend some time 1:1.

Maybe seek professional input from a family therapist
You said she was in hospital

Was she discharged with support?
And no kid will say what's bothering them directly need to approach obliquely go for a drive or walk and talk about other things
Imagine your best weekend what would it be like?
Might tell you more
Read "how to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk "

You may be inadvertently putting her on the spot. It becomes a bit of a vicious circle, as she starts to dread you being impatient with her which makes you feel ever more frustrated.

Try a bit of distance. Say what’s needed, smile and come back later. Try ‘how are you getting on with that job?’, rather than ‘Have you finished X yet?!’.

It’s easy to be authoritarian as a parent, and quite detrimental to relationship. This isn’t an employee who is thee to do as instructed. This is a little girl who for some reason is very intimidated by you.

I might be unreasonable to feel that at the age of 12 she could see that I’m not a witch and I treat her the same and love her the same as all of the kids. I can’t fathom what it is I’m doing wrong

The first thing I’d say is you need to stop taking this as a personal insult. It’s not a criticism of who you are as a person. Getting annoyed at her for a reaction she likely can’t control really isn’t going to help. It will just make her more anxious.

Since she's already afraid of you, questioning her on it is likely to make her more so, not less.

Give her some space and ask your husband to speak to her, gently, when you aren't there.

What is she like around your husband and any other authority figures? Is there a noticeable disparity in the way you speak to her vs your husband?

@Candlesandmatches I have tried in the past but she declines. She wants the other girls to come too so they don’t miss out. She is very much a people pleaser which is concerning as she has gravitated to the ‘wrong crowd’ in the past.

@Octavia64 she is without a doubt anxious, I have anxiety myself and recognise it in her too. I’ve tried to address it with her mum and with her subtly because I think she needs some external
help but it’s falling on deaf ears at the moment. It’s not my place to take it further without her mums say so and her dad isn’t likely to override her mum. I’ve bought her an ‘emotions journal’ to start when she goes back to school & I’ll sit with her and do that when she’s here & hopefully that will start to draw out where some of the issues lie.

We’ve just had a lovely family holiday, the 6 of us, to Disneyland Paris. She was lovely there, I felt we bonded loads and she was really chatty & kept saying thank you for a lovely holiday, it was the best surprise ever, we talked about clothes, make up all kinds! She wanted to sit with me on the rides, sit next to me at dinner, I was gobsmacked and made the effort 10 fold to make sure she was comfortable.
In the breath, we are home for 12 hours & the latest incident occurred!!

Thanks all, this is really helpful.

I do take her reactions personally @Prawncow thats really struck a chord.
@KeirSpoutsTwaddle The bit i’m most gutted about is that she finds me intimidating, I’ve known her since she was 4. As a family we have been through an awful lot & I really don’t think I’ve ever given her reason not to trust me.

@cestlavielife she wasn’t discharged with support unfortunately. Her sister and her mum had therapy after her discharge but because of the timing of everything, she was due to be followed up and covid hit. Had she been my daughter I would have pushed for support but I feel like its overstepping my role. Her dad is an amazing dad, but he can’t stand up to their mum, her word is final, it’s always been easier just to go with it.
For example, the girls have never had a dentist until the last 12 months because I’ve nagged and nagged him to register them. Their mum has always been ‘too busy’ and he has always been afraid of any backlash (in the past its always been a threat of pushing for less access or stopping us seeing the girls if he has questioned things), its not until I’ve explained to him that they are old enough to decide if they come or not that he’s had the balls to register without her say so. So this is a slowly slowly process.

We don’t have an easy time of things between both of our exes and my 9yo is on the route to an ADHD diagnosis so I think I just feel a bit overwhelmed with life and its not helping the way I deal with DSD.
But then am I dealing with any of them correctly?! Am I just doing it all wrong and the others are just as messed up but don’t show it!!

Stop the parenting train…I want to get off 🤦🏼‍♀️

You sound like a good Mom. Could Dad talk to her? I'd put my super soft super gentle voice on around her and try to treat her more gently. If she's shaking she is having big feelings x

It’s really not you. You’ve said she was fine on holiday. If it were you it would be constant. It’s about how she’s feeling. You managed 4 DC in Disneyland, with one teen and one nearly teen. You’re killing it.

Hmmmm if the trip away was fine I'd suggest the issue has something to do with feeling disloyal/split loyalties to her Mum when at your house.

That all sounds really optimistic then. Maybe it’s a separate stacked trigger- worrying about upsetting you and seeing you less, upsetting her mum and so seeing her dad less, school, being busy…

Maybe it's the home environment she finds unsettling, you've said before you split there was lots of arguing, and then they moved out, she was more relaxed on holiday. She would've been quite young and it's a lot of upheaval for step mum and dad to be arguing so much you suddenly have to live somewhere else, but then they get back together again, it needed uncertainty. I wonder if there's any of her that thinks she had a part in that especially as her dad ASKED the children whether to leave or not!! Far too much pressure. That would also tie in with the anxiety you say you recognise in her.

It feels a bit like you're cross with her for being anxious?

I know this worn be how you feel but maybe that's coming across and compounding things?

Quizzing her why she's upset really won't get anywhere and will just make her feel intimidated/like she's getting it wrong more.

Sometimes at a later time you can try saying "gosh you know yesterday afternoon - that was really tricky do you wasn't it?" "is there a different way we can do things that would help?"

But if she's very anxious she might not be able to do that either.

You do need to parent kids with anxiety/trauma a bit differently to a standard authoritarian model. It's okay to use gentler language. I really like Dr Naomi Fisher who has done some work on kids that are struggling (and autism, pda, etc)
... Also.. What's dad doing to help his daughter with her anxiety?

People who are ‘direct’ can often come across as blunt and brusque. Saying, what’s wrong you look like you’re going to cry I only asked you to put away your clothes’ could come across as confrontational if you’re saying it with a hard face.

I might be unreasonable to feel that at the age of 12 she could see that I’m not a witch and I treat her the same and love her the same as all of the kids. I can’t fathom what it is I’m doing wrong.
This is an unreasonable expectation of her. You're personalising this, but it's not about you, it's about her and how she's feeling and where she's at. She's a 12 year old with seperated parents, dealing with living with someone she's not related to who keeps triggering her anxiety by pushing for more of a relationship then she's willing to. Yes it sounds like her parents are failing her here, but you can't fix this, not the way the relationship is now. You're trying to make her run when she can't even crawl.

You need to step back from asking about emotions and start trying to have small positive interactions. If she wants to do something fun with all the girls do that, one on one is too much for her right now. Have a fun outing, don't ask any heavy questions, just chat about light general things, have a good time together. Play a boardgame or a card game with them all, just chat about general things and have a good time together. Bake a cake if she likes baking, have a good time together. I'm sure you see where I'm going. You're 10 steps ahead in the process from what she can cope with right now. You need to develop a positive relationship first, then deepen that relationship, IF she becomes open to that. That would very long term. Unless she volunteers to tell you how she is, don't ask. If she does one day, don't push for more, be supportive and encouraging and let her go at her own pace.

I’ve bought her an ‘emotions journal’ to start when she goes back to school & I’ll sit with her and do that when she’s here & hopefully that will start to draw out where some of the issues lie.
Please don't do this. This is an anxious child who is scared of you, she doesn't want to discuss how she's feeling with you, she's made that crystal clear. Maybe her dad will do it with her, but if he won't you can't do it. You might mean well OP but you are just going to make things worse for her. That's what you're doing right now by triggering her anxiety with questions she can't cope with, this will ramp it up. You have to meet her where she is, not where you want her to be.

Fellow step mum here ☺️
I agree with other posters that you need to tailor your communication style depending on the needs of the child. Being very direct can work well for some people but others could find this overwhelming if they are a bit insecure/anxious generally. I would be super reassuring and gentle and continue to look for opportunities to spend time together in indirect, low stress activities. Sounds like you had a lovely time together in Disneyland which is a great sign. Best of luck!

Fellow Stepmum here too.
For a sensitive child, being told in a direct manner to ‘tidy your room’ or ‘put your clothes away’ may feel like she’s being told off. She may be trying to keep things tidy and feels ashamed that she’s let you down. Or maybe it’s the other girls who are messy and leaving clothes out, but she feels unable to speak up. It may seem like a simple request to you but It’s clearly bringing up lots of big feelings.

By asking her ‘ what’s wrong?’ you’re communicating that her response isn’t right. You’ve also disapproved of her being a ‘people pleaser’ and want her to change. You’re repeatedly telling her that her emotions and responses are wrong. She feels criticised and hurt and she’s shutting down. She’s only 12 and has been through a lot. Being spoken to kindly and more mindfully will be more helpful then getting cross with her. It’s ok to speak to her differently to her more thick skinned sisters. Getting on well on holiday is a good sign. Good luck!

Thanks everyone

No one gives you an instruction book do they! With your own you learn and grow at different stages but I think with step children its much harder because you don’t have the bond and you haven’t been there to grow with them and your’e just thrust into the whole thing!!

I put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure everyone is at their best and have everything and I might just need to take my foot off the gas and see the bigger picture.
I also need to look at my communication, which sounds easy but I bet it’s not!
There are so many plates in the air in our family I’m failing everyone by the looks of it. I’ve had therapy after therapy over the years for various reasons and I thought I was doing ok but maybe I’m headed there again to be able to be at my best to support everyone 🩷

You mentioned that your 9 year old is going to be assessed for ASD. Do you think that they are the reason why you’ve developed a direct communication style ? I think that you should consider changing your communication style with her and seeing if that helps. Definitely stop saying things like “you look like you're going to cry, whats wrong? ” - it’s too direct and probably highly embarrassing, especially if someone has anxiety. Talking to her differently doesn’t mean that you aren’t treating everyone the same any more- you are giving her what she needs and what she needs is different to what the other kids need which is fine as they are all individuals.

SD does not want to discuss her emotions with you so don’t push her into doing the emotions journal with you. If she’s going to do it with someone it needs to be somebody else like her dad who she’s more comfortable with. She might know why she feels the way she does but won’t want to put it on paper as you’ve said that she’s a people pleaser. Pushing the journal could be pressure that she doesn’t need and she could end up writing what she thinks you want to hear rather than the truth.

Does this happen at school? There’s got to be a teacher or two who is brusque in their manner?

Quite possibly @SonicTheHodgeheg , unless I’m direct with 9yo she doesn’t understand, to be honest the 15yo was the same although she needs less direction now she’s older and the 2yo, well he’s a typical toddler!

School is a different kettle of fish for her. She’s often in detention for her attitude & she’s been caught vaping in the toilets. Shes just not this child at home. Conversely she confided in me that she wants to change schools and I have put this to her mum & dad on her behalf (she asked me to because she didn’t want to & I was careful to tell her I couldn’t promise they would agree so she didn’t feel let down), however her mum put a stop on it after I’d collected some information about other schools in the area.
If there are big things happening she does talk to me because I make the effort to check in with her. Its the day to day niff naff where everything blows out of proportion.

I just want to help her and I’m lost because on a day to day basis I make things worse!!

They sure don't give you an instruction book for kids, let alone anxiety or ASD. I often feel at a loss to. You need to rethink and change how you do things a bit, work out the relationship first before you can support her with the rest. Right now i don't think you can help her, that doesn't mean you'll never be able to. A

I have a couple of thoughts on your updates which do change the situation a bit. When she tells you things she's in control of the process, so that could be part of what she needs, to be able to tell someone on her terms. Those occasions you ask her though are they always with someone else around? My DD would hate anyone else to know she was struggling or upset. I never ask her how she's feeling in front of anyone else including her siblings. Also wondering with her asking you to tell her parents about her wanting to changes schools if her mum might have had a word with her about speaking to you which would certainly be complicating the current situation.

These things are really hard to deal with as a parent, let alone as a step parent, but it's obvious you care about her. I've needed to reset and change my approach at times with my DD. You do need to make changes and no one can say whether you'll be able to be a day to day support for her, but there's no reason with the right steps in place that things can't change over time.

Thanks for the feedback @EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness