Recently split with child’s father- he wants DNA test

[Saturdaymornings]

Recently split with my child’s father.

Our son is 2 years old and has a good relationship with his dad. His dad has moved out and comes to see him once a week at ours. Last week we had an argument for the first time since breaking up, it was petty tbh, and the atmosphere was uncomfortable.

I called him the following day to discuss it, as I really didn’t want a repeat next week. I suggested to him that I’d be happy to leave him at mine whilst he’s with our son, I could pop to my neighbours or go to the park for a bit. Or that he could take him out. Instead of agreeing to this, IMO reasonable suggestion, he turned around and said ‘that won’t be a problem, as I don’t think he’s mine anyway.’

FYI, I have never cheated and he has no reason to think that. Our soon looks just like him fgs!! He then has been leaving me long voice notes insisting on doing this DNA test, which I have agreed to btw just to shut him up. He also said he won’t be seeing our son until the results come back. I made it clear to him that his behaviour is disgusting, and if he had any doubt at all why bring it up now? He then proceeded to call me horrible names including a whore, I never called him any names btw just called out his behaviour, but he became really nasty to me.

Then, he randomly messaged me last night saying how ‘sincerely sorry’ he was about ‘everything’ he said. I asked him specifically what he was sorry for, as there was a lot that he said and he just said ‘everything.’

I really don’t know what to do. If he’s backtracking now and doesn’t want a test done, which I get the vibe he doesn’t from his ‘sorry’ messages then am I just supposed to let him come over again next week to see our son? I don’t want to get in the way of him seeing his dad, but I feel like he has disrespected our son in all this. Not sure what to do. Also, when discussing tests he said we can do one from boots. I shut him down and said no you can cheat them, let’s do it properly with the government. I made a CMS claim last night so he will hear from them soon.

I guess my main dilemma is do I continue letting him see our son until the test is done? Or wait until he’s got the results (which could be months as I think CMS move slowly.) I just want to do what’s best for my son but right now I don’t really know!

What a prick. He said the most horrible thing he could think of to hurt you. Is it common amongst men to say/think this in anger? My husband was lovely but I will never forget him accusing me of sleeping with someone else and explicitly asking whether our youngest daughter was his. This was years later in the middle of a completely unrelated row. I was completely knocked off guard (maybe that’s the purpose of the accusation).
I don’t know what I’d do in your case but I can understand it’s very difficult to go back to playing nice again. Hope you’re ok.

I'm so sorry that he's being so awful to you. Please keep screenshots of everything he's said just in case you need to use them in Court at a later date.

I'd suggest he seeks a Child Arrangements Order so that you can both have a clear plan for when he sees his child.

Try not to get drawn into arguments either. I know it's difficult but you can waste so much time and energy.

Try to only respond to things like "when can I see DS". I'd respond with 9 am on Sunday and I'd like him back by 12 pm for his nap please.

If he messages with anything else, like calling you a whore or suggesting DS isn't his, just try to ignore the message but do make sure you have a copy

And well done for applying to CMS.

I would still do the test, explain that no matter what, he clearly doesn’t trust you. And ask where he thinks that leaves you.
I would let him continue seeing your son, as you say he is his. Hold the higher ground. Do not delete the argument

No way would I do any test, not when he himself knows he was bang out of order. Just get on with the CMS process and ignore him about anything other than childcare arrangements.

Given your DC age I would definitely get childcare arrangements formalised as part of the divorce. If he can accuse you of being unfaithful, even if he later apologised, he's capable of all sorts of shenanigans if it suits him.

Given your DC age I would definitely get childcare arrangements formalised as part of the divorce.

Child Arrangement applicationss* are no longer part of Divorce proceedings and haven't been for some years. Plus the OP hasn't said that they were married.

I get what you mean though, it is best to have a Child Arrangements Order in place.

Stick with the DNA test get it done give the paper work results to him and tell him to fuck right off.
Shove his pitty money (CM) where the sun dont shine what your child gets you get it.
Tell him to open an account up and put his pitty money in there for his child and the child can make their own choice when they get older.
Want to be a dad be one CM dont make any man a dad its just something they can talk about oh i pay for my child.
He will miss the best years of is child life the stuff money cant by.
I dont get why some chase a man for CM if he wants nothing to do with you or the child make it happen wish granted.
Be the stronger one you can handle this.
He will wake up one day and realise what he`s done by then it will be far to late.
Sorry for the rant.

My guess is he looked into the cost of a DNA test and realised he would rather eat his pride than burn that amount of cash. 🙄

I would absolutely facilitate contact, but do it in such a way that there is a set schedule. And if you do decide to do. DNA test, do it through a proper lab where identity can be confirmed and he can’t mess you about.

Once you have opened a CMS case they will contact him and he can dispute parentage via them. He will be able to request a DNA test and you will be sent information regarding where to book an appointment to have the test done. You have a take a passport photo for yourself and the child which is verified by the person conducting the test. Your ex will also make an appointment to be tested with the same ID requirements and once the lab have received all of the samples you will receive the results in the post. If the test proves the child is his then he covers the cost. My ex husband tried this route to avoid paying maintenance for our twins, it wasn't successful as the test proved they were his children - sadly for them! Good luck xx

He sounds an absolute gem @WildTwins

All the name calling, lengthy messages etc not on. But I think if he genuinely has a doubt of the parentage of the children then there's nothing wrong with him paying for a DNA test now. It gets it out the way. He's being asked to pay maintenance for 16ish years, if he wants to be certain they are his kids I think that's fine. It feels unpleasant because of the accusations and he's made it emotional. If he'd kept it civil and factual it would have been a lot better for everyone.

If he had any genuine doubts I don't see the big deal about having a test. He's going to have to pay maintenance for two kids for years. If he wants to make sure they are his I don't see the problem.

He sounds awful OP. Get legal advice but I would think he's entitled to 50/50 in terms of having him - are you allowed to stop him seeing DS?

Ignore it all. He is an ex for a reason and from this point on, your relationship is best treated as you would a business associate. Polite, breezy, no emotion.

Put in the CMS claim if you haven't already done so. If he wants a DNA test, he can request one via CMS. It will show he is the father, and he will have to pay.

BUT do not let him get into the habit of coming in to your home, or it will never end. Your dc is two, old enough to go to the park or children's theatre or for a swim, or a burger.

Good luck

@quickturtle from the OP's posts the only time he's bought it up is after the split when he's been drinking. Sounds like he's had someone bending his ear when he's been out.

And? If OP goes through the CMS and he wants to do a dna test then fine. No big deal. It's his disgusting messages that are the issue.

I agree. Going through CMS is fine if that's what he wants to do but messaging her saying she's a Whore I'd absolutely not ok.

I would actually insist on the test via CMS. I wouldn't have him throwing paternity in my face again. However, I don't wouldnt stop contact. I think stopping contact when you know he's the dad is spiteful to your son. It will hurt your son more than it hurts your ex. Moving forward I think you need more boundaries in this relationship. I think he needs to have set contact times. He doesn't need to come into your house. He can pick his son up and take him out for his period of contact. You also should only be discussing your son with him. You should also only be doing this via text or email. You don't need to have long chats over the phone. Keep things civil, distanced and professional.

The DNA test and CM are fine but do it at his expense. I'm surprised DNA tests aren't normalised really, men never really know and it's large sum to pay if the arent yours whilst someone else doesn't.

How you facilitate contact needs to change though.
Do not have him visiting a your house, get baby ready and hand him over at the door he can take him to the park or a library or soft play or any other child friendly destination if his home isn't suitable.

Right now co-parenting isn't possible so stick to times and dates and when the last time he ate or had medicine. Keep it short like a handover at nursery. No more long discussions and clearing the air, everything is too emotional right now but should settle s you can work more amicably in a year or so. Contact should be short and regular at his age, working around dad's work schedule if possible " Tom is available 10 am Saturday to 2pm, we'll see you then, it no longer works for me for you to come into my home so you will need to ake him out. If you are late picking him up I will have to continue my day and take him with me. Tom looks forward to seeing you next week"

If he stays playing silly buggers with pick up and drop off you give him 15 minutes of grace either way and then get on with your day and go out taking little one with you if he hasn't picked him up.

I would echo what everyone says and DNA via CMS. If he argues 'I did not really mean it' say that the accusation is out there now and you wish to prevent it coming up every time he has a drink or an argument with you.

Then there is no room for him and it was all brought on by his own stupid nasty little self.

Fucker.

You chose to have a child with him and your child has a right to see their father

So no I would not play games and withold access but would suggest legal advice and go through the proper channels

Do the DNA test or this will come up again and again when he's upset about something. That's one thing you can put the lid on forever.

And arrange his time with your son outside your house you now know he can't be trusted to be civil and you do not have to put up with his nastiness, that's the point of him being an ex. He's shown his colours keep your distance in future

Agree with this. Go the official route now. If he complains he has no one to blame but himself.

I would not withhold contact as I don't think that's the right thing for your son. But I would insist that he takes DS out somewhere for contact rather than seeing him in your home (whether or not you're there too). I also agree with the advice above about disengaging, communicating with him only when necessary and only about DS.

I wouldn't withhold contact with his son but I would keep any contact between yourself and your ex to a minimum, only to facilitate visitation for your son. I'd go ahead with the DNA test too and then he can't argue about the CMS. It's not ok for him to be abusive and call you names, if this continues, I'd reconsider allowing him to come to your house.