Recently split with child’s father- he wants DNA test

[Saturdaymornings]

Recently split with my child’s father.

Our son is 2 years old and has a good relationship with his dad. His dad has moved out and comes to see him once a week at ours. Last week we had an argument for the first time since breaking up, it was petty tbh, and the atmosphere was uncomfortable.

I called him the following day to discuss it, as I really didn’t want a repeat next week. I suggested to him that I’d be happy to leave him at mine whilst he’s with our son, I could pop to my neighbours or go to the park for a bit. Or that he could take him out. Instead of agreeing to this, IMO reasonable suggestion, he turned around and said ‘that won’t be a problem, as I don’t think he’s mine anyway.’

FYI, I have never cheated and he has no reason to think that. Our soon looks just like him fgs!! He then has been leaving me long voice notes insisting on doing this DNA test, which I have agreed to btw just to shut him up. He also said he won’t be seeing our son until the results come back. I made it clear to him that his behaviour is disgusting, and if he had any doubt at all why bring it up now? He then proceeded to call me horrible names including a whore, I never called him any names btw just called out his behaviour, but he became really nasty to me.

Then, he randomly messaged me last night saying how ‘sincerely sorry’ he was about ‘everything’ he said. I asked him specifically what he was sorry for, as there was a lot that he said and he just said ‘everything.’

I really don’t know what to do. If he’s backtracking now and doesn’t want a test done, which I get the vibe he doesn’t from his ‘sorry’ messages then am I just supposed to let him come over again next week to see our son? I don’t want to get in the way of him seeing his dad, but I feel like he has disrespected our son in all this. Not sure what to do. Also, when discussing tests he said we can do one from boots. I shut him down and said no you can cheat them, let’s do it properly with the government. I made a CMS claim last night so he will hear from them soon.

I guess my main dilemma is do I continue letting him see our son until the test is done? Or wait until he’s got the results (which could be months as I think CMS move slowly.) I just want to do what’s best for my son but right now I don’t really know!

I think a family member should do handover. He can't be trusted to be civil and is abusive. The OP does not need to be faced with this.

This.

Thanks all for your messages.

I haven’t actually heard from him since his apology, I replied with ‘okay I appreciate that.’ Not sure if he will even come see our son this week but agree that I should let him if he wants to as my son is entitled to see his dad. He just said some weird things like ‘I really want the test done because if he is mine it will make me a better dad.’ He was full on acting like he has doubts and then to turn around an apologise is very strange.

I don’t want him round me and will suggest he takes him out or I leave for them to play. That’s what I initially suggested before he dropped the DNA test bomb, so I’m not sure if he will even want to do that but he has no choice now I feel so uncomfortable in his presence.

This but make sure it's not just you keep the WhatsApp. Screenshot the text and save the audio files- otherwise he can try to delete for both.

@Saturdaymornings

id stop him seeing DS at all, he doesn't sound mentally stable. If he really wants to see DS , I'd make him go through the court system & insist on supervised visits only (contact centre, not ay yours).

DS is 2, EX said he doesn't want to see him because he thinks he's not his. That's not the way a person who loves a child would react.

If you feel uncomfortable in his presence, you don't have to have him in your home OP.

And you may want to ask @MNHQ to move this over to the Relationship Section? Some of the MNers on there are very good at telling you know how the Court System works

He really is, so glad to be rid of him! He doesn't see our children so that makes my life alot easier 😊

He was abusive and the doubts only appeared once I'd left him when my twins were 4 days old because he dumped one of them on the bed because he was furious that he had to give him a bottle. Prior to this he had no doubts whatsoever that they were his children. His current level of maintenance is £45 a week for both of them and he has used every loophole available to him to pay this pathetic amount, he also doesn't see them. They are 3 now and I pay for all of their childcare and everything else they need, I'm sure you can imagine with twins this gets pretty pricey. If I'd been sleeping around and he had genuine reason to believe they weren't his children I'd have no issue having a test done for my peace of mind and for my childrens. However this wasnt the case and it was purely used a tool to delay paying maintenance, he even said after he'd been for the test that he knew they were his as they look just like him! Some people are sadly just a pain in the arse.

That's awful @WildTwins. Men really should have this kind of information tattooed on their forehead as a warning to other Women only partly joking.

I wonder how he justifies leaving you to being up his DTs on your own?

*bringing up

Like many abusive arseholes he's turned it on me that I've cut him if their life and stopped him seeing them. This couldn't be further from the truth and I tried many times to have him in my home (I had to sell my house and move when we split to get away from him) to supervise his contact as I didn't trust him and by his own admission he couldn't manage them on his own. He said many times he was only interested in having a wife and if he didn't have me he didn't want them. It was a planned pregnancy and he only showed his true colours once I was pregnant and we were married. He met someone else about a year after we split and she's moved in with him - she has my deepest sympathy 😂 she also got involved about him seeing the boys as he'd told her I was the psycho ex that had cut him out of their lives. Luckily she is older and can't have any children with him so good luck to her is all I say! I'm sad for the boys they don't have a dad in their lives but he really is an awful human being so I know they aren't missing out on anything but not having him in their lives.

Oh yes the Psycho Ex. It's funny how some men seem to have a string of these. You might think that there's a common denominator?

I'm glad that you've managed to build a life without him. And I think you're right, it seems much better that they have you on your own and happy than have him in their lives.

Thank you, it's been a long road to accepting and making my peace with it. I'm heartbroken for the boys that I made such a poor choice in a father for them. All I can do is be the best mum I can and hope as they grow up they understand what happened and that it's no reflection on them xx