Husband over-cautious about our baby’s health, safety and development

[FirsttimemummyEmily]

I really hope I can get some advice on this or even to find out if I am not the only one going through this…
so backstory, my husband and I have our first baby who is currently 6 months old. Ever since she was born he is the most over cautious, protective worrier parent which I am surprised by. I knew he would be quite sensible but this feels like it’s to extremes!

I am just going to put a couple examples below and hope that it provides enough of a picture. I want to know if I am not careful enough or is he just over the top crazy😂 Do you think he needs to relax a bit and just let me do my thing without worrying what the risks are and trust me?!

• car seat insert. The height the baby needs to be for it to be removed is 60cm. For reference I measured my baby 2-3 weeks prior and she was 57cm. I washed the car seat inserts as they needed a clean. I forgot to put the bottom part back in one day last week but once I strapped my baby in, she seemed happy and secure in the seat, her back was flush to the car seat and she was high up enough. Therefore I thought she was safe and could live without the insert.

My husband found the insert this evening and got mad at me as to why it’s not in the car seat and that I was putting our baby at risk. He said if I got into a crash I would be very sorry that the seat insert wasn’t in her car seat and something happened to her.

1. I’m not sure how fast a 6 month old grows in height in the span of 2-3 weeks but it was 3cm out from the required height.
2. Am I being an irresponsible parent for not putting the insert back in, I went with my trusted instincts that she was fine. Plus, the headrest insert was still in the seat, just the back and bottom part was removed.
3. My husband sees me as irresponsible, risk taking with our baby and not careful enough, putting her at risk.

NHS Guidelines

• My husband says I go against what the NHS guidelines a lot apparently. Example, getting my baby’s big girl seat for her pram out when she was just over 4 months old. For reference, the seat reclines almost fully. My baby wanted to not be lying in the bassinet flat and wanted to see the world! So I said let’s try it and see how we feel and if our baby prefers it.
• They say every baby is different, go with what’s right for them. Follow your instincts etc.
• A guideline is called a guideline for a reason. Just because it says from 6 months onwards doesn’t need to be set in stone?
• Go with your gut when it comes to parenting, if it feels right and safe then why can’t you give it a go? My husband says that the things I let slide or go against what the guidelines say then I’m an irresponsible parent and a not helping our baby’s development.

People will have different tolerances for risk.

The car seat thing wasn’t safe - it’s not a guideline - it’s a safety requirement. Babies don’t grow 3cm in 2 weeks. I think, personally, once you realised you should have put it back in.

Guidelines are different - I think the pram thing sounds fine.

The main thing is that you should be able to talk through this stuff with your DH without blame and try to agree.

It's a not a tough one. The car seat one, as pp said should have been put back in as soon as you noticed.

The pram thing...it's recommended from 6 months because that's typically when most babies are able to fully support their necks and are beginning for the part to sit unassisted. Both milestones should be met before putting a baby in the upright buggy seat. Doing so before this may cause damage to their developing spines and create unnecessary pressure and curvature to the spine and neck. This is also around the time that weaning begins and being able to sit in a high chair.

If you're practising using the upright seat and baby hasn't fully met these milestones, I wouldn't use them for longer than 20-30mins at a time. This is advice from a Ross the pond, though, and the paediatrician was very clear that until baby had full neck control and could sit unsupported, it was potentially very dangerous.

Some risks just aren't worth taking. If something were to go wrong in both those instances, how would it make you feel? You know your baby best and if you feel it's safe then crack on.

Sorry OP, I think I agree with your husband here.

Nothing makes me cringe more than 4 month old babies slumped in a pram “because they want to see the world” when really their spines look in a poor position and they’re almost struggling to maintain their own airway because they’re not developmentally ready to be sat up in a position they can’t independently maintain

I don’t think your husband is over-cautious, I think you are too lax.
You never “go with your gut” when it comes to safety!

”Go with your gut” refers to telling whether baby is crying because they’re tired vs hungry. Or they want a cuddle vs being sung to and rocked.

Not for safety!!

I always support the parent who wants to use the car seat safely. And I'm afraid that wasn't you.

I'm with your husband. You're not following guidelines that have been developed to keep babies safe. How often to bath your baby, when to cut their hair etc can be on gut instincts because the consequences are low risk. Get weaning, car seat safety or safe sleep wrong and it's lifelong damage we're talking about.

Your husband isn’t “over cautious” he is right. “Gut feelings” shouldn’t be used over guidelines when it’s about the safety of your baby.

I’ve been in the opposite situation. My now ex-DH took lax to a new level. The effect on me was to increase what had probably been a normal level of new parent caution to full-blown anxiety.

My argument, which he refused to accept, was to err on the side of caution leaves you with far less damaging consequences than to make a mistake the other way round.

I’m more or less with you, there’s no way a car seat can give an exact safe number for height as the height that matters will be back length not including leg length. It’s highly plausible that a 57cm baby would be safe.

Same with the pushchair, I think some of the comments above have missed your point that many pushchair seats fully recline. I used ours from 4 months with dc 1 and even earlier with dc2. They were never slumped over, just more open to the world.

I'd side with you here. I think your DH is being OTT.
I've had 4 children and they all had different prams. The ones that had the carry cot add ons went on to go into the older pram seat at around 4 months as they couldn't see out of the carrycot. As the older pram attachment went quite far back anyway, I thought it better to use that and they were happier.
Obviously it depends on the size of your baby. If they can support their own head properly and are curious and wanting to look about I personally think its fine. Obviously not for long periods of time. They need to be flat alot of the time at that age, but it doesn't do them any harm to be propped up a bit for periods of time. As long as they can support their head.
And the car seat thing.. again I do agree these are guidelines and a few cms aren't going to make a difference. Obviously having 4 kids it's been difficult with the car. At one point before we got a bigger car my eldest was using a strap thing rather than a full car seat and my middle had to go forward facing sooner than I'd have liked...
Basically you do the best you can and having someone who's really rigid and critical over the smallest aspects of parenting is not helpful. It's just really stressful.

I agree with your husband re: the seat. I’d rather be safe than sorry and just wait until baby was 60cm.

the pram thing though, YANBU. Mine came with a m bassinet and a reclining seat that can be used from birth. I switched at 6 months because baby seemed happier when out & about, and it took up less room in the car.

What’s the lifelong damage from weaning? I went with my gut on that one and both of my kids are happy teens now. I guess maybe if I’d weaned correctly they’d be football superstars instead of watching at home on TV.

None of my kids were in a bassinet at 4 months! They all had great neck control and were attempting to sit up at this age. All sat confidently way before 6 months. Similarly weaning occurred when they appeared ready. It is not one size fits all. These guidelines do not reflect all children’s needs and development. Milestones are met at different ages for different kids. Part of being a parent is figuring out what works for your child. Some of these responses are very OTT.

Slight tangent but are you sure you measured your dc correctly? My ds1 was 57cm at birth!

If your kids are only teenagers then the damage from being weaned too early won’t be apparent yet.

it causes stomach issues that become a problem when the person is middle aged.

I should have put for context, my baby was able to sit upright at 4.5 months, neck control and wasn’t slumped in her pram.

I am going to measure her today! We also have a docs visit about her weight so will get her measured then and find out! She was a smaller baby at birth and has always been quite petite.

I'm with your husband here, you sound lax and incredibly irresponsible.

With your husband on the car seat, not worth the risk. My.dd isn't out her booster yet as she is 3cm off the required height and the seat belts in some cars sit too high on her neck. Pushchair, I think is fine as long as slightly reclined and kept an eye on.

I'm another one in support of you OP. With the car seat I would err on the side of caution because the actual risk (ie a crash) is high. However with everything else I would trust my attunement with my baby's needs. We never had a carry cot attachment for our buggy & I started weaning early - like yours my baby had good neck control and strained to be upright early.

As a PP pointed out, if your partner is highly anxious they'll entrench further in that position if they see you as too lax. It might be worth them looking in to CBT or similar to manage anxiety, as poor parental mental health isn't great for infant development.

Also well done for trusting yourself and your instincts, it's not an easy thing to do but so important for raising secure and confident children.

Guidelines are just that, guidelines.
mn choosers the guidelines to preach about and ignores those they choose. E.g. weaning, the majority of the world recommends 4-6 months, whereas you’re setting your baby up for long term damage if you so much as let your baby taste anything before 6 months.
Whereas co sleeping which is heavily discouraged in general is recommended on here.

How does anyone get a baby still and stretched out to measure them? Different body shapes mean some will have longer or shorter bodies and legs. Surely the fit test is whether the top of their head reaches the top of the insert? If there is room, they aren't ready to have it removed. If it is snug, you move up.

Sorry the pram/ pushchair thing makes me cringe so much.

They shouldn't be sat up in the pushchair until they can actually hold the position themselves it's so so bad for their development.

I used to work with a paeds physio and she said on of the worst things parents of healthy babies do it do things early. Prop them up before their bodies are ready. Stand them up before their joints can actually take the weight.

She could sit fully independently, unsupported at 4.5months? If so then pushchair with a slight recline for short periods only. Babies are small for a short time- there's no need to rush them into everything sooner.

Your husband is right.
Don't bend the guidelines.

Sorry, but I don't think "go with your gut" applies to car seat weights/heights.