Husband over-cautious about our baby’s health, safety and development

[FirsttimemummyEmily]

I really hope I can get some advice on this or even to find out if I am not the only one going through this…
so backstory, my husband and I have our first baby who is currently 6 months old. Ever since she was born he is the most over cautious, protective worrier parent which I am surprised by. I knew he would be quite sensible but this feels like it’s to extremes!

I am just going to put a couple examples below and hope that it provides enough of a picture. I want to know if I am not careful enough or is he just over the top crazy😂 Do you think he needs to relax a bit and just let me do my thing without worrying what the risks are and trust me?!

• car seat insert. The height the baby needs to be for it to be removed is 60cm. For reference I measured my baby 2-3 weeks prior and she was 57cm. I washed the car seat inserts as they needed a clean. I forgot to put the bottom part back in one day last week but once I strapped my baby in, she seemed happy and secure in the seat, her back was flush to the car seat and she was high up enough. Therefore I thought she was safe and could live without the insert.

My husband found the insert this evening and got mad at me as to why it’s not in the car seat and that I was putting our baby at risk. He said if I got into a crash I would be very sorry that the seat insert wasn’t in her car seat and something happened to her.

1. I’m not sure how fast a 6 month old grows in height in the span of 2-3 weeks but it was 3cm out from the required height.
2. Am I being an irresponsible parent for not putting the insert back in, I went with my trusted instincts that she was fine. Plus, the headrest insert was still in the seat, just the back and bottom part was removed.
3. My husband sees me as irresponsible, risk taking with our baby and not careful enough, putting her at risk.

NHS Guidelines

• My husband says I go against what the NHS guidelines a lot apparently. Example, getting my baby’s big girl seat for her pram out when she was just over 4 months old. For reference, the seat reclines almost fully. My baby wanted to not be lying in the bassinet flat and wanted to see the world! So I said let’s try it and see how we feel and if our baby prefers it.
• They say every baby is different, go with what’s right for them. Follow your instincts etc.
• A guideline is called a guideline for a reason. Just because it says from 6 months onwards doesn’t need to be set in stone?
• Go with your gut when it comes to parenting, if it feels right and safe then why can’t you give it a go? My husband says that the things I let slide or go against what the guidelines say then I’m an irresponsible parent and a not helping our baby’s development.

The pram thing depends on baby I think. My baby wouldn’t go in the pram from around 4.5 months. She would cry, kick and thrash about and lift her legs up out the bassinet. So I swapped her over to the big pram and she was much happier. She did have head control though so she wasn’t slumped. In fact all the mums in my mum group switched their babies at similar times.

On the car seat, I would personally go off how she fits in the seat as babies can be different builds and one with long legs but a shorter body may need the insert a bit longer and the opposite may be more comfortable coming out of it early. But I don’t think your DH is wrong to want to follow the manufacturer’s instructions. With the pram obviously it’s less of a safety issue and you really should be able to use common sense- if it’s reclined and baby isn’t slumping over then it’s fine so I’m with you. FWIW my babies didn’t even fit in the newborn bit after 4.5 months and I don’t know a single person that used a bassinet for 6 months, everyone swapped between 4 and 5 months. So I would compromise- insert goes back in the car seat, keep the pram seat.

With car seats you can't go rigidly on height as it's all about proportion and space. DS needed the biggest side padding out quite early because he has broad shoulders, DD had to wait to go up a car seat size until she was 5cm over the height because she's all leg (on advice from proper car seat fitters). There's always a judgement call on what fits rather than a rigid, definite measurement and cramming a child in with too many inserts for their size is as if not more unsafe than too few!

57cms is small for a six month old though. I know you said she’s always been tiny but that’s seems small to me. My number 3 was 60cms at birth and yes I do know that’s big.
Anyway that’s not what you asked probably best to go by guidelines shouldn’t be too much longer before you won’t need the inserts.

Good idea! Babies are hard to measure yourself as they scrunch up. Thinking about I’d bet on her being longer than the 60cm needed to remove the insert as that’s about the size of an average 2-3 month old. I know you say she’s small but probably not that small!

Sometimes - not aimed against anyone on this thread but on a general note - people like to use these guidelines and rigidly adhering by them - as a way of proving that they are a ‘good’ parent. I avoid car seat discussions on here and on Facebook as they nearly always descend into chaos; I saw an OP being very pompously told off a few days ago because she didn’t want to go to bed at 7 (baby under six months) and generally the message can be that if you are in a heightened state of anxiety at all times, constantly imagining your baby stopping breathing or mangled in an accident, you are a good parent.

It is toxic and best avoided. I am team OP.

Regardless of who is 'right' your dh should not be calling you irresponsible and having a go at you. There are better ways to communicate.