I feel like I’m missing something with out of control 6 year old.

[totallyunforgetable]

Hi, I have name changed for this as I’m a long term poster but mostly about my elder child and our struggles with potential ASD and anxiety. So feel this maybe be outing.

I have a 6 year old son who is our middle child who everyone just seems to adore he gets a lot of attention from others about the way he looks and he just has that air of coolness that people are drawn to. His teachers love him, his behaviour at school is impeccable his report said that he was a role model to other pupils that he is always on tasks, tries his best, is a kind friend that he could win their assembly award every week. His football coaches love him comment on his brilliant attitude how he’s always smiling and listens, great work ethic, managers player of the year on his first season. Never shows an ounce of anger on the pitch or at school. Outside of this at home he’s a totally different child he can be easy going and loving but the second something doesn’t go his way or he gets pulled up on something even small he loses his head. He will swear, hit me, throw things, break things just be outright nasty calling me names like I’m fat or a loser, he will spot on the floor it’s honestly like he’s a totally different person. Afterwards once he’s calmed down he will apologise but then be upset if I try to explain that he has hurt my feelings or feelings he just says he wants me to be happy with him but my feelings have to be discounted. He will only be good if I’m happy with him. It’s starting to feel like he’s just pretending to be this lovely great kid elsewhere or could there be something else going on like ASD but surely he wouldn’t be able to mask is every day at school, every football session, every birthday party or every time he’s at a friends house. My older son is an open book but it scares me how little I feel I know my 6 year old. I don’t know if he loves me or feels remorse. I don’t know what makes him tick. I admit I’ve been lax with consequences sometimes I’m all in but then I’ve been told by professionals that consequences don’t work and you should explain the impact of their behaviour as punishment just builds resentment but I’m starting to feel this is wrong and that I need to follow through with a consequence every single time. Any advise or similar experiences would be great.

If your step dd and your son have the same dad it's possible he's inherited the adhd as well. It might be learnt behaviour. It certainly sounds like adhd. He's masking everywhere so when he gets home, he's like a bottle of pop - explodes. They need different strategies than neurotypicals - natural consequences are good, take a hard line on what behaviour is and isn't acceptable - mine spat on the floor once, i made him clean it up. Mines just thrown a bunch of LEGO all over the place in a meltdown - he's going to be picking it up.

Mine is currently having a meltdown because he's spent 2 days masking, and his brain is overloaded, but he doesn't get to be rude or aggressive so because we've taken a firm stance on the aggression, he's gone into full meltdown. Now we ride it out until he comes down, and then we can talk. He will be ever so sorry later - but preventing the meltdown in the first place is a fine art and balancing act. teaching him to manage his feelings is a long, long, long process.

Give him space to come back down to earth and apologise and you need to accept the apology when it comes - this helps with the guilt and shame of having adhd and not knowing why he just got so angry. If he is neurodiverse, he can't help it - it's the way he's wired. But given the right support he can learn to control his anger and not give in to every impulse.

Hi OP. I've been reading this thread with interest. I also have a 6 yo very similar to yours.

-He is very charming/ charismatic and will talk to anyone. He also has the 'air of cool' about him and people are attracted to him initially because he's just very sociable and fun. He doesn't really have friends at school though - just finished year one and finally has made 2 friends in the last term with additional work/ networking my end! Often feels like his friendliness is a bit false. Not in a malicious way, but when I watch him interacting with other children I feel like it doesn't seem like the same 'version' of him that I know.

-Behaviour fine in school. Got a wall of behaviour awards in his room . Got a special badge for being a top school role model or something or other that hardly any children have. Teachers think he's wonderful.

-working at greater depth in reading and maths. Way ahead in both. I'm a teacher and I reckon he's probably at y3 or y4 level in reading and maths. His writing is bang average and he hates doing it!

-explosive meltdowns. Often before/ after school but always on the weekend. Now it's the school holidays we're averaging 3 or 4 a day. He will hit, kick, bite, scratch and also bolt if out in public then charge back at me screaming and hitting. He doesn't know any swear words and I dread him picking them up (bound to happen soon) as I know he will start using them. During the meltdowns he will be as verbally hurtful as he can but it's fairly generic at the moment eg. I hate you, get away from me this instant, I'm going to punch you in the head. At home, will trash rooms, throw toys, tip tables during a meltdown.

• has absolutely loads of knowledge and a wide vocabulary. Will impart so much information about various things, seems to absorb it from everywhere. But there's a total block talking about feelings and behaviour. It's almost like talking to a toddler about behaviour. He will look blank/ glaze over/ cannot engage with the discussion at all and then say generic things like 'i was sad'.

• finally - really physical. Loves hugs and kisses but gives with no warning and way too hard. Will jump on my back/ yank my arms to get my attention. Hurts me by accident every single day.

We are considering Asd assessment but I find it hard because school think I'm mad. They don't see it and won't support it. Sometimes I wonder if I am mad but then given the last couple of weeks in my heart of hearts I know he isn't a typical 6 year old. He's 7 next month.

Just thought I'd post to say we're in a similar boat, it sounds like. I have appreciated some of the advice on this thread. We really work hard to keep his routine predictable because I think this is what allows him to remain calm in school.

It sounds like there is a lot going on at home- a sibling with additional needs and the blending of families including an aggressive step sister.
It sounds like your son is just reacting to a very chaotic home life. School is probably his safe haven, with set rules, behaviour, sanctions etc, then home seems disordered and potentially dangerous.

Thank you for all the responses. There is definitely a lot to think about.

When I actually think about what has been going on in the house these past 2 years it’s a wonder that anyone is sane. I find the fact that I can’t control certain factors in the house really hard and difficult to accept but I’m going to have to just make sure I’m the constant calm influence.

The only thing I can think to add about my 6 year old is that he doesn’t actually appear out of control most of the time. Sometimes if his head is really gone he looks like a animal just reacting in fight or flight mode and on a couple of occasions has done the bolting of thing and once on the way to school everything was absolutely fine walking up with one of his friends and he goes what’s that bloomin tractor doing ( cutting the hedges) totally not a big deal but I said don’t say bloomin it doesn’t sound nice and that was enough because he was around friends to set him off and he ran off, wouldn’t come back to me and went across 3 roads not blindly running into them quickly checking then carrying on running. When I finally caught up with him another school mum was looking back at us and he said she had asked if he was ok (as he had appeared around the corner by himself) and I said shut up. I asked the school Mum later if he had said anything and she said no just waved and gave her a massive smile. I spoke to his teacher that morning about the road incident as it wasn’t the first time he’d not being careful but previously it was more like petulantly taking a step off the pavement or threatening to run into the road. She had a word with him after doing the whole oh ‘Bob’ that doesn’t sound like you and he hasn’t done it since.

That went of on a bit of a tangent but my point being that sometimes maybe once a month he might appear totally out of control but others it all seems very considered and almost cocky and arrogant way beyond his years.

Ive asked him when everything’s calm about why he acted a certain way and he says he doesn’t know every time.

It looks like you're dealing with a very complex and challenging situation with your son, especially since his behavior at home is so different from how he is at school or in other settings. It's clear that you're doing your best to understand and support him, even though his outbursts and aggressive behavior at home are distressing.
It's possible that your son is struggling with something internally that he's able to mask in public settings but feels safe enough to express at home, where he knows he won't be judged as harshly. This might be related to underlying issues like anxiety, frustration, or even something like ASD, though it's important to remember that not every child with such outbursts has ASD. Kids can be very good at masking their true feelings in situations where they feel they need to "perform," like at school or in public, but those bottled-up emotions often come out at home.
The discrepancy between his public and private behavior suggests he might be holding in a lot of stress or emotion during the day and releasing it at home. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that he's pretending to be good elsewhere; it could be his way of coping with feelings he doesn't fully understand or know how to express appropriately.
Regarding consequences, it's a difficult balance. Some children respond well to consistent consequences, while others might need a different approach. Explaining the impact of his behavior is important, but it might also be necessary to set clear boundaries and follow through with consequences when those boundaries are crossed. It's not about punishment, but about helping him understand that his actions have real effects on others and that certain behaviors are not acceptable.
Given the complexity of the situation, it might be helpful to seek professional guidance. A child psychologist or therapist could work with your son to explore what's behind his behavior and help him develop healthier ways to express his emotions. They could also provide you with strategies for managing his outbursts and helping him feel understood and supported.
You're doing an amazing job trying to navigate this difficult situation, and reaching out for advice shows how much you care. It's okay to seek help when you need it, and with the right support, you can help your son manage his emotions better and improve his behavior at home.