If your DC's grandparents are 2-3 hours away...

[LoquaciousPineapple]

...how often do you see each other?

And what's the ratio of who visits who each time? And what is the reasoning behind that?

Both sets of grandparents were two hours away for us. We saw my parents every three weeks, sometimes with visits from my mother in between. They came to us until we didn't have babies and young toddlers anymore, as a couple of them were awful travellers. When they got older, we went to visit a bit more, though they still did the bulk of the travelling as logistics were easier.

My PIL we saw maybe every three or four months, but that was down to them. They were welcome more often but wanted us to go to them. I'm not into dealing with screaming from the back seat for two hours and don't think that's fair on the child either, so we just didn't see each other.

My DD is only 9 months and my partner has not taken to fatherhood brilliantly so I've been travelling to see my mum at least once a month. Normally I travel to her for 2 visits and then she will come here for one - this is my preference as it's going 'home' for me whereas I now live somewhere she has no ties to and she struggles to be patient with my partner and his lack of support for me at the moment. My dad and his partner are 6 hrs away - they've been to me twice since DD born - I don't think I could travel to them until DD much older just due to journey length and they are retired, financially comfortable and emotionally rubbish so I let them do the work 😂

We go to visit them about twice a year, they rarely visit us. They are too busy going on endless holidays!

GPs live 2 and a bit hours away. We visit them at Xmas and stay over one night. We visit 2-3 other times in the year as a day trip. They visit us for a day trip 2-3 times a year too.

It varies/evolves depending on availability, length/logistics of journey, health and other circumstances. We try to get together for most birthdays and major holidays at a minimum. As they age we travel more than them, but with children getting older and busier we have to make the effort to schedule it in the calendar. Video calls in between visits help maintain the relationship.

One set live 2 hours away, the other nearly 4.

2 hours set sometimes come to us for a day, maybe every 6 weeks? And we go there a few times a year for a weekend. They recently rented a holiday cottage near us for a week which was lovely.

4 hours away, we go there most school hols for a few days. They will come to us maybe three times a year for a few days. Easier for us to go there as their house is bigger than ours. And they insist on staying with us when they come here which is a bit of a pain.

One side are 1.5 hours away, the other 2.5 hours.

We see each side about once a month, they come to us for the day. The ones 2.5 hours away are welcome to stay overnight but prefer not to, so drive here and back in a day. I think they're mad, but anyway.

We travel less often due to young DC, work, hobbies, etc etc etc. We're very grateful our parents understand it's easier for them to travel than us. I imagine over time that will change as they get older.

All loving and involved grandparents, get along well with us, no complicated relationships to work around.

DM is about 2.5 hours away. See her about every six weeks. She comes to us about five times out of six. DH works Saturdays in term time and travelling alone with tinies was painful. Now DSs have sport too. DM points out that she’s retired so can more easily get the train.

DPIL about 1.5 hours away. Maybe four times a year and they will maybe make it to us one of those times. For the reasons above we don’t make it there more…DH often takes DSs in the holidays. They know they’re welcome.

Probably about 3 times a year because unless we initiate contact either by phone calls or visits we don't hear from them at all.

we are a plane ride away.

When my parents were alive we would see them about 4 times a year. DH's mum we haven't seen for 4 years, but then she doesn't give a shit

Every 2-3 months. Take it in turns and usually stay a weekend. We call three times a week (chat with my mum and dad) and do a face time around once a week with the child.

PIL only live 30mins away so see them 3-4 times a month as they provide childcare.

Our child is equally close to both I think.

Thank you for the responses!

Our DC is 3. We see grandparents every month, but they're pushing for us to "keep it fair" and alternate who visits who every month. We're finding it stressful to do that journey over a weekend now DC is recently potty trained, and they've started doing classes and being invited to parties so being away from home every 8th weekend is tricky.

It's good to know we're not being totally unreasonable to push back on this a little and not alternate every single month.

Mine are only an hour but we really don’t see much of them at all. It’s like a token visit once every 3 months which to me isn’t a lot when our children are still toddlers. I don’t necessarily think they’d visit loads if they lived 10 minutes away though. As we have animals, had a newborn etc they were kind of being left to visit us for a while (or not as the case may be). It just seemed more fair for them to hop in the car (they’re young grandparents) rather than driving long distances with a newborn baby. Now they’re a bit older, we should visit them more but it’s left up to my husband to speak to them on the phone or by text and we end up meeting up with them at a soft play etc instead.

I’m running myself into the ground trying to juggle work, childcare, pets, cleaning, laundry etc while they’re retired so I feel like I have about a 10 second window per day to tackle anything else and encouraging someone to see my kids who doesn’t appear to want to see them, has just fell off the face of my radar over time. If people want to make the effort they will.

It depends on their reasons for wanting you to travel I guess OP. If they're getting older or experiencing health problems, or indeed working and so only free on weekends, then they may find travelling one weekend in four a bit much.

It'll get steadily easier for you to travel now, our youngest is just turned 4 and it's so much easier than it used to be. We really should make the effort more.

They don't have any reason apart from thinking it's more fair. They're both retired with no regular commitments they’re worried about missing, neither have any health or mobility issues (both go down the slides at soft play!), not nervous drivers (and the drive is very easy) and the accommodation when they stay isn't an issue (private bathroom, king size bed, can't hear any other rooms etc).

Once every two months for you to visit them doesn’t seem unreasonable to me, but I think you could reasonably push it to 3 months sometimes.

Alternating visits is reasonable. Most children enjoy going to their grandparents’ houses. It’s fun and a novelty for them and a way to connect with their grandparents in a different way than at home.

My grandchildren are 2.5hrs away by train. We try to alternative visits, with my daughter and youngest (3yrs) visiting me one month and me visiting them the next.

But we're always flexible, to fit in with work shifts, holidays etc. Occasionally I'll pop up for the day if its a special event like a concert or birthday. My oldest grandson is 16 and visits me by himself a couple of times a year.

It's such a joy having grandchildren come to your house and I really don't think them asking you to visit them one weekend out of eight is too demanding.

GP here, we aim for every month or 6 weeks and they come to us a couple of times a year. However we are getting older and the long journey is starting to be a trial, we both have arthritis also and 2 hours + sitting in the car leaves us both in a lot of pain for several days, went last weekend then about 3 days to get over it. We could stay overnight but have pets so it would take a lot more arranging, they don't really have room for us so that a hotel would be another bill on top of petrol and whilst we can manage that, our outgoings are already quite high because we need outside help for household maintainance etc. So not really ideal all round. I'm not sure that they have actually realised that at just over 80 we are not as able as we used to be

Fair is not necessarily equal. It depends on a lot of factors. When they are older you may do the bulk of the visiting.

It's interesting how the answers change once an OP shares their situation, isn't it!

Before I posted my situation, basically all the answers were about grandparents doing the vast majority of the visiting, or alternating but nowhere near as frequently as monthly.

Funny that as soon as I shared my situation, the tone switched to it being unreasonable not to alternate monthly visits.

I lived about 3 hrs away from mine as a child. Early on we established various methods of contact; I memorized their telephone number before anyone else's and we knew it was 6pm so could ask to ring my grandparents as this was when phone calls were cheaper!
We also did very well with writing letters, learning how to lay out an address etc so that we could write to them. The excitement of seeing an envelope in their handwriting addressed to little me... we absolutely adored!
Traveling wise, all summer holidays included a week long stay with them with mum. Dad sometimes followed but often couldn't due to work. We used to come back twice as heavier due to all the deserts.
Sometimes a visit at Easter and then two or three times in between. They visited on special occasions and stayed over when we were small so an additional 1 or 2 visits from them when we were small.
So under 5: visits from them 2x and visits to them 3-5 times.
Over 5-teen 3-5 times plus special occasions like big birthdays.

To be fair, I can't edit but my last post was slightly harsh.

But it is interesting that people can think my parents aren't unreasonable to expect something, despite no actual parents coming forward to say it's what they do in reality.

There are lots of factors though.
A big one being how much you all enjoy each others company, and spent time together beforehand.

I 100% agree with pp who said 'fair' isn't the same as 'equal'.

Taking into account They're both retired with no regular commitments they’re worried about missing, neither have any health or mobility issues (both go down the slides at soft play!), not nervous drivers (and the drive is very easy) and the accommodation when they stay isn't an issue (private bathroom, king size bed, can't hear any other rooms etc).
I'd say it makes more sense for them to be traveling to you over the first 10 ears or so, and then the time will come when they won't be able to travel so easily, and then you would be more likely to be doing more of the travelling.

I say that, speaking as a recent retiree, but remembering what it was like to be working full time whilst parenting small dc.

This sounds like what we'll end up doing once DC is in school. Seeing them 5-7 times a year doesn't sound unreasonable to me at all, we're just struggling because my parents are currently expecting double that (as we also end up going at random times outside the monthly alternating as well).

5-6 times a year but I have to do most of the travelling as my parents are pretty elderly and in poor health and find the journey hard going.