If your DC's grandparents are 2-3 hours away...

[LoquaciousPineapple]

...how often do you see each other?

And what's the ratio of who visits who each time? And what is the reasoning behind that?

DH's dad lives about 4.5 hours away, but if it was 3 it would be the same answer. We visit them once a year and they tend to visit around Christmas.

I don't have grandchildren but, if I did, I'd have no problem being the one to do the bulk of the travelling. I remember what it's like!

Thank you. You've absolutely hit the nail on the head when you mention enjoying each other's company, I imagine it's pretty obvious that there is strain in the relationship aside from this!

I totally agree that when they're older and less able, we will be visiting them more often.

Once every month or two

MIL and FIL are separated and have their own spouses and are around 1hr 15 away from us. When we visit we try and see them both (obvs separately) to minimise travel.

The frequency is always a massive bone of contention with MIL. We've previously always alternated visits every 6-8 weeks or so. MIL can drive but won't drive on the motorway so always has to get BIL to bring her, she also won't get the train either both of which are her problem and if wanted to see DGCs more she could. She is a young grandparent at 54 with no issue's around mobility etc but is fixated on taking turns which I get but it can be difficult.

DCs are 6, 2 and newborn so travelling isn't really fun at the moment. She visited us when DC3 was first born so we've been guilt tripped into arranging our next visit since

We live 1.5 hours from one GP (we are NC with the other side). We see MIL maybe once every 1.5-2 months.

She travels to us for a night or two. Maybe twice a year Dh will meet her somewhere for a day out in the middle.

We never travel to her house (in fact, neither of my dc will have any memory of it, 6 year old never been there in his life!). Her partner won’t allow it and Dh/I won’t have anything to do with him, so not welcome to visit, even if he isn’t there. That’s a whole other thread. 🙄

So MIL does all the visiting. If her partner is still alive when she is no longer well enough to visit us, no idea what we will do. Dh will have to go get her for a day out or we’ll get an Airbnb near her and hopefully she can visit there.

I think a weekend away every 2 months could be too much depending on the relationship. I personally wouldn’t want to visit MIL every other month if we had just seen her a few weeks before, but I’d be fine with Dh taking the dc to see her. But not a big ole family weekend away.

We live 3 hours from my parents - see them 3-4 times a year? I usually take DD with me to visit at least once and other times they come to us. It's trickier now DD is school age - not worth it for a weekend visit really as we don't have a car.

PIL are slightly closer - they don't visit us due to disability. We visit them 2-3 times a year.

However we do a lot of facetime catch ups in between with both sets and DD has a lovely relationship with both sets despite the distance and lack of physical visits.

We have always travelled more to visit grandparents than they do to visit us, apart from recently when the grandparents are still able to drive but find it a strain to host, so come to us more than they used to.

My DH and I met quite young, so we were used to visiting each other’s homes for the first few years of our relationship. I think that makes a big difference as we each feel far more ‘at home’ in our own parents or in- laws houses than they do in ours, so it is easier to relax when we go to them (and for most of the years, their houses and gardens were bigger!).

Also, I remember visits to my grandparents house (we lived 2-3 hours away and used to go to stay for around a week each holiday) and I loved visiting the house, different days out, getting to know the neighbours etc. I think I had a stronger relationship with grandparents having an insight into their lives than if they had visited us more.

I'm one of the posters you're referring to here. It's more that following the OP I could only post my own experience, and then once you posted your dilemma we could actually chat it through. If our parents asked us to do more of the travelling, we would, although we wouldn't relish it. As I said in my first post we're very grateful that they don't.

We did have one parent briefly unable to travel due to health reasons and so we did visit much more often for a while. It was fine, and done willingly in the circumstances. They're doing better now and their spouse prefers to come to us again as it gets them out of the house. That will flip back at some stage.

How well does your DD travel? I'd increase the frequency of your visits but not necessarily as much as they want.

If you haven't already you could also explain the stress of going away at the weekend when you're both working FT (I'm assuming). I feel like we don't get a weekend at all when we do it - come home to a house that's Friday night messy, no laundry done, it's Monday morning in a few hours and then there's also unpacking and overtired under exercised children who've been out of routine and spent too much time in the car and are generally out of sorts for a day or two. I do find it all a bit difficult.

Always been about every 3 weeks - sometimes a bit more frequently, sometimes less frequently, depending on what's going on.

When the DC were small, they came to us more often. Now the DC are both in school, I take them there for longer visits in the school holidays - usually a week in the summer, a few days at Christmas and a few at Easter. They then tend to come to us for term time weekend visits because, as a PP said, the kids have activities on Saturday morning and it's just easier for them to travel.

We live that distance away from my parents.

We go about every six weeks. They come here for a few days in the holidays

I would try and avoid a rigid pattern if I were you. Just arrange visits when it suits you and them.

I don't think they should have to do all of the travelling but I also don't think you should miss birthday parties because it's "their weekend"

I guess I just think the whole thing should be more chill than this

I have a 4 yo and she has one set of grandparents that are 30 minutes away and another that are 4-5h away
She sees the grandparents that are 30 minutes away 1-2 times a week for 2-4h some times a longer day and more like 6h. They are nearly always in grandparent mode, occasionally doing an afternoon of looking after her when poorly.
She sees grandparents that was 4-5h away but for 2-7 days at a time every 4-6 weeks and whilst staying they do take on parental roles putting her to bed and bathing her etc.
We try to go on holiday with them once a year and with the other parents they get a holiday or several days out. Last year we did a holiday but ill health has meant that this year it's days out instead.
We do Easter every year with the far away grandparents and we were doing this before we had my daughter and Christmas depends on which family is in need of more Christmas cheer. If we go to the far away grandparents we do something before and after Christmas with the close grandparents. When we have spent Christmas day with them the other grandparents have come up on boxing day staying until the new year.

If we averaged the hours over the course of the year they probably see her equally.

Yes I'd echo @exprecis , keep it fluid.

Thanks @WickieRoy, I definitely wasn't singling you out in particular, just an emotive topic and I was a little harsh there.

We already do the visits alternating every month so it's more a case of trying to establish a more spread out normal. Your approach about pointing out the stresses of visiting when working is a good one. I'm at home with DC one day a week so she pressures for a 3 day visit. Boundaries will be a bit easier when DC starts school and cramming the journey into just Sat/Sun makes it easier to justify not doing as often.

DC is an alright traveller, but being newly potty trained it's always a second away from chaos! I also do the drive without my husband due to work and I'm not a big talker while driving so DC gets a lot more restless and silly when there isn't a passenger to chat to or an adult conversation to earwig on!

Oof that's a long drive alone with a three year old, I don't envy you.

Keeping it fluid would be my preference! I think I'm realising I need to grow a bit of a spine and stand firm really. DC's benefit should be the priority not anything else.

We'd be happy to push the visits out to every six weeks, but they would complain that means only two visits every 3 months rather than 3. But then maybe that's what I offer- they come to us more often or we space out the visits. And they can decide what's most important or suits them best.

We go 2-3 times a year (2 hours) a combo of day or weekend trips

they visit us 2-3 but it takes them 6 hours to get here (don’t ask) and they’ve said they think we should always be the ones to travel. I’m dreading the day they put their foot down and refuse. When we’re there they don’t want to do anything or go anywhere so I find it hard with 2 under 4 to keep them entertained in a house full of precious toddler eye level Knick knacks…

My mum is 1.5h away on public transport, she doesn't drive. She's very ad-hoc in visits, sometimes we have a flurry of regular visits, sometimes it's a couple of months between them.

PILs live 2.5-3h by car. We usually go to them maybe 4x a year, often over a bank holiday, Easter, and between Christmas and New Year. They come down to us maybe 2-3x a year, but we don't currently have anywhere for them to stay, so as PP mentioned it all adds up with fuel and a hotel. They have just downsized which will make it harder for us to visit them as we have another baby on the way. On the flipside, we're in the process of moving to a bigger house where they'll be able to stay, so I envisage them coming down more often and staying longer, as both are retired and fit and healthy. Once driving becomes an issue for them I expect we'll go to them more often, if we can find somewhere for everyone to sleep.

To your dilemma, if anyone was whining on about what was 'fair' I'd probably just shut them down with 'this is what we are able to do in terms of travelling, and anything outside of that is up to you'. I wouldn't be committing to more than I'm comfy with - travelling with kids is hard work.

Once a month, works out at us staying with them about 50% of the time, then the rest will be split between them staying in a hotel near us and day trips roughly halfway between. They used to travel more but now they have health issues and our kids are fine in the car.

My mums a 2.5 hour flight away, she usually comes over every six weeksish (retired, we pay for all of her travel) and she’ll typically stay for a week to ten days. We visit her as much as possible, but its cheaper and easier for her to come here.

We often holiday together, or in the same area, we recently holidayed in Spain so we organised to have a three day crossover, it means we get a little holiday together, but it also means she gets plenty childfree time on holiday.

Let them complain. You need to do what is right for you and dc. I think downtime at home is an important part of family life. If you're away at a weekend you're not there to mow the lawn, catch up on washing etc so it makes the week ahead a bit harder. They're retired and able to travel - they should travel. Sounds like they've forgotten what living with a pre-schooler and working is actually like. Also, if you don't want to see them once a month push back. You're not obligated too.

My dad we see maybe every 3 months ish (he's 2 1/2 hrs away), mainly at events like Xmas. My in-laws once a month ish (they're an hour and a bit away) but they'd prefer much more often. They would definitely prefer if we came to them (we have a baby who hates travel and an 8 year old) every time but they're retired and don't have hobbies, so it's probably slightly weighted to them coming to us.

Life's just easier at home for kids I think - the toys are there, you don't have to pack up what seems like an entire house for one weekend, sleep is better. The house is baby/kids safe. There's no relaxing when in someone else's house with babies so you just don't know what mischief they'll get up to if you put them down.

I'm a working GP and my DGC live 4 hrs and 12 hrs away.
I visit the 4 hr lot approx every 2 months and the 12 hrs when I can find the time because visiting for a weekend is not practical. Neither DC come to visit me but my house is small.
I'm looking forward to the 12 hr trip reducing to 6 hrs, they are moving, and then the weekend will be doable.