SAHM advice, from one SAHM to another

[meadowkoa]

Hi all,

I am considering becoming a stay at home mum for a couple of years whilst my children are very young and maybe until they go to school.

I would like so advice from other SAHM please. The good, the bad, the ugly! I did another post about considering this option however, it felt others jumped on it and judged my decision and it was all very negative.

I'd like some honest advice from people who've done it themselves.

TIA XX

I've been a sahm for 6 years and I am very happy doing it. I am married and share all money with DH and wouldn't have considered being a sahm otherwise. I put money into a private pension and ISA and LISA from our joint account. I have side hustle which pays me a wage too although it doesn't really take up much time.

I have a 3 year age gap and that meant eldest was in nursery then school when youngest was born, so I was mostly dealing with one baby/toddler at a time, which made life easier for me. Eldest does holiday camps during school holidays so I am not having to juggle 2 dc for long days through the holidays.

I spend a lot of time being out and about with my toddler and do every class going - I'm not one for pottering at home or setting up loads of activities. We're lucky that there is lots available where we are and we can afford to do them. I wouldn't be happy being a sahm in a remote area where we just visit the supermarket or go to the same park every day.

DH works locally so he is at home at a decent time and helps the dc get ready in the mornings and with dinner and housework in the evenings. I would not have considered more than one dc if he was not able to share parenting in the mornings and evenings.

Of course, only get married if he has more assets than you. If you are asset rich then, by marrying, you are giving him half of your assets, something which is often overlooked in MN advice

I'm a SAHM for 5 years now. Took a LOT of getting used to, now it's a lifestyle.

Agree on the being married thing, for protection. It helped with DC1 to have a good friend who was also stay at home. Meet others who are doing the same as you - Sahm's have become a bit niche - so I think it's good for you to have an ally.

Go to playgroups, get a good routine that works for both you and child and stick to it - then the weeks fly by. I've also had emotional support from Home Start because at times it can be isolating (I have anxiety) - so please access everything that is available to you to help you through these years.

I should be working on my going back to work skills but I've developed so many hobbies to keep my brain ticking over & become very good at conversation with all our trips, groups and kids parties.

I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old and have absolutely loved being able to stay home with him. We're married so some of the concerns other posters raise haven't been an issue for us. It was important to both of us that one of us should be at home with DS at least for the first few years. We treat all money coming in as family money and as it happens I manage the finances, but that would be the case whether I was working or not. We don't have loads of money but we have enough to get by and spend/budget accordingly and we are both happy with that, rather than us both working and having to send him to childcare. A couple of factors that influenced our decision but don't seem relevant to you is that we were living in different countries when we met and I moved to my DH's country for us to get married and be together, giving up a high-flying but very stressful career in the process. I knew before I moved that I never wanted to work in that field again so there were no worries around leaving the workforce. I also have a chronic health condition that would make working full-time (at the moment at least) very difficult. I do a bit of freelance work in an unrelated field for now but it's more for enjoyment/intellectual stimulation than anything else; it might grow into something bigger in the future but there's no pressure on it. I should say I'm also lucky that DH is very active in helping around the house/with mental load so I don't feel as drained as I would with a less capable/helpful husband. Trying to do all the childcare and housework and mental loads would definitely be exhausting! I love spending time with DS and seeing him grow, being here for all his big moments (and the little ones too). I rarely hear people talking about the joy of being home with your kids; I get that it's not joyful for everyone of course but I feel like the default position these days seems to be to expect it to be awful/hard/boring but for me it has been wonderful - so if you think you'll enjoy it then I would say go for it. We have no childcare/family support so I do the majority of childcare. Happy to answer any questions if it would be helpful. I hope whatever you decide you love it!

Hi @meadowkoa - what did you decide to do in the end? My DH and I have now decided that I’ll take an extra year career break immediately following 12 months maternity leave to see how being a SAHP goes. I have 3 DC (6, 2 and 10 months) and I can’t stomach the thought of working (even PT) and trying to keep the house going…. But I’m also second guessing the decision.

this thread has been really helpful. Thank you!

I was a SAHM while the kids were young and it was wonderful and I enjoyed it so much and I think my kids benefited enormously. We married before kids and DH fully supported the decision. I was lucky to take 6 years out, then back part time for 7 years until secondary school. Now back full time earning a very good salary.

but do not do it if not married! Really, it makes you incredibly vulnerabile

That’s really reassuring that you were able to get back in and get to a great salary again. Can I ask what type of work you do? I think that’s my biggest worry; I know I’m giving up a great salary just now and although I absolutely think the benefit to the children is worth it (and I love being home with them too), I worry I’ll be considered ‘too old’ to jump back in in five-ten years time. I don’t believe that - by the way - but I can imagine the prejudice I’ll face! I think being at home for these precious years will be worth it - but it’s just a bit nerve wracking. Sorry for hi-jacking and resurrecting this thread!

@HallidayJones6779

Would you consider volunteering while you're a SAHM?
Depending on what type of work you do, of course, but I was volunteering while I decided to stay home with my children for 4 years.
It was so much fun, I could go in whenever I wanted and didn't have any gaps on my CV.
Most places don't care if you were getting paid or not as long as there are no gaps in work history and you have references.

To repeat the same from the previous comment, do not do it if you aren't married! While I don't believe it's only a "piece of paper" , but that paper is extremely important if things go bad.

For future posters. Absolutely do not do this is you are not married.

This.

I still look back on my time at home with my DCs with deep fondness.

We'd meet friends, go to toddler groups, activities at the library, go to the park, local wildlife centres.

They are much older now, I feel quite teary thinking about those times! Magical,