SAHM advice, from one SAHM to another

[meadowkoa]

Hi all,

I am considering becoming a stay at home mum for a couple of years whilst my children are very young and maybe until they go to school.

I would like so advice from other SAHM please. The good, the bad, the ugly! I did another post about considering this option however, it felt others jumped on it and judged my decision and it was all very negative.

I'd like some honest advice from people who've done it themselves.

TIA XX

Make sure you have shared finances, you don’t want your partner giving you spending money and questioning what you’ve done with it all when you’ve run out of money.

expect to be doing everything!

expect to be told you’ve just been playing with the baby all day and you’re always out for coffee and cake 🙄.

its boring and can be quite lonely, not many mums don’t work so there weren’t any meet ups in my case, play groups etc were full of child minders, not actually mums you could get to become friends with.

Exactly our thoughts too. My partner works away a lot and often comes home late. I'd hate for my children to have that from both parents xx

Thank you xxx

I had never even considered marriage to become a SAHM, it is on the cards but everyone's feedback has really made us rethink things! Xx

Absolutely not without the protection of marriage.

If it’s possible to take a leave of absence, you could test the waters because your DH’s attitude will be key. Unless there’s real respect for you, and the job you’re doing, it can put you in a very vulnerable position.

You need a realistic return to work plan. 3 years out of the workplace, can be, in some fields, a significant gap. You’re competing for jobs against younger, and more up to date applicants. You have less credibility as a mum (employers know you’re likely to take sick days for dc, or drop and run on the dot of 5 to collect from the creche) and while it’s hard to get rid of an established employee, it’s easier with a new one, and even easier to employ someone else.

Consider the financials carefully - your career is taking a hit, not only in lost earnings, but also your promotion potential. It could be a couple of years after your return to work before you’re viewed as a candidate again. This all impacts your pension.

Meanwhile your dh is benefitting from your free labour. There are brilliant threads on the phenomenon of facilitated men part 2 that you should read. I’d also recommend you and your partner work through Fair Play by Eve Rodsky

I have loved aspects of being a sahm but I’d still advise women to work part time if that’s possible and keep a toehold in the workforce.

I've loved it and I think my kids have benefitted from having me at home. However, I was also ready to go from work (I was a teacher and I was crumbling anyway from stress so something was going to give). I'm also lucky that teaching is a job that isn't hard to get back into and is relatively easy to keep a hand in (I have completed some extra qualifications when my kids were very little and napped!).

Sometimes though it is a bit tiring being the one who, justifiably, bears the brunt of the mental load and I think I put pressure on myself to cook better/ do more/ clean the house and feel like people judge me if I don't reach high standards there because "that's your job".

I've been a sahm for almost 20 years (sometimes with children at home sometimes without children at home) happy to answer any questions!

Thank you, this is really reassuring as I also work in education. My partner works very long days sometimes, sometimes working away multiple nights so I really want my children to have a present parent at home. I hate the thought of somebody else bringing them up. X

Thank you! How did you manage with perhaps not having adult conversation like you would in a work place? Did you ever get lonely, if you did- how did you manage ? Xx

Ha careful saying that about other people bringing them up! That and "full time mum" etc start bun fights on here, but I know what you mean.

My DH was the same - used to leave at 6am and return at 8pm/9. I felt that, for me, was incompatible with me teaching and being a parent in the way I wanted to.

Haha oops! I just think it's sad that we live in a society where we are expected to only see our children for 2 full days a week! Then before you know it they're off to school so there's no other choice.

Sounds like you've been in a similar boat to me, thanks for your feedback xx

How old are you and how many children are you planning to have? Age discrimination will kick in in your 40s if not earlier in some industries so if you are going to be out of work for several years then it might not be as easy to return.

Also think about what cpd you may need to do in your field while you are being a sahm.

Why not share the risk with your partner and both reduce hours instead?

@meadowkoa happy to help!

I've been a SAHM for 17 years, 5 children and we home educate. It's the most fulfilling, wonderful and at times relentless work I've ever done. I am so thankful that we can afford for me to do this, DH is not a high earner but we have always cut our cloth accordingly and I've become quite adept at finding free or very cheap ways of doing things we like to do.
It's very important to us as a family and I love being home with our children from first steps to gcses!

Definitely get married, the term marital home has a lot of weight and legally being able to access monies you didn't earn, ie his pension which he is building quite nicely whilst you don't have a work pension and an employer contribution.

This comes down to expectations the main ones being finances, access to, what you spend if there is a limit, what you both deem as important to spend on and the other is household and child rearing. On the household and child rearing front as far as Dh was concerned when he came home we were a team, get everything done that needed to be done and then both be able to sit down. However, we both recognised that sometimes you just need to tap out and have someone else solely responsible.

Dh had a lie in every Saturday and I had one every Sunday. He was a full hands on Dad from day 1 so would never wake me or secretly send the children to wake me, he never shirked his responsibility as a parent.

The biggest killer is the repetitive days and the loneliness and lack of adult conversation. But with podcasts, audio books, radio shows on demand, plus any streaming service for movies, tv shows etc makes it easier to get through the drudgery of folding laundry, again.

Being organised helps, accepting that some days are going to be much harder than others but having said all of the above, it is the best thing we ever did, both Dh and I still talk about it. I am a long term sahm, due to ill health no one would employ me but being at home has meant I was able to manage my medical condition and actually improve it. My youngest child is now 18 and about to go off to uni. Absolutely no regrets but then I had my best friend (Dh) to do it all with.

Agree with the others. You have to get married.

Even then I'd recommend going part time. This makes me a hypocrite because I was a SAHM but the reality is I was very vulnerable. My friends whose marriages failed struggled so much more when the were a SAHM.

OP, you haven't actually said whether or not your children exist yet! Is this theoretical, or have your children actually been born?

It’s relentless and can be lonely. Working part time is a much better balance

Working very part time or having a side hustle is my advice.

You need to have an honest conversation with him about what he expects SAHM to be.

In our circumstances, because of our DDs needs, to my DH it means my job is DD during his working hours. Everything else is split 50/50 including spending money and time our for meeting friends and hobbies.

To my friends DH it means she is responsible for the children 24/7, she's in charge of all housework and cooking, and she gets an allowance that's considerably less than the personal spends he gets because he works.

It's not the big things that do the most damage when you disagree- it's the tiny niggly things that eat away at you.

Given that you are not married what is your housing situation? Do you own or rent? What situation would you be in financially if he walked away one day?

Sorry I know this isn't advice but just wanted to say I think you should do it because you will never get that time back, they're little for such a short amount of time. My boy will be 13 months old by the time I go back to work after maternity leave and it breaks my heart, I would love to have the option to stay with him until he starts school!

I'm an accidental sahm (postpartum psychosis made me too ill to return after maternity leave) and I think it's a mixed bag tbh.

I found getting adult conversation easy, lots of baby groups when they were tiny, started another degree when dc1 was 8 months old and I volunteer a lot with various charities but then I've always struggled with sitting still. I went back to volunteering in a community shop/foodbank with tiny dc2 strapped to my chest.

My dh is happy for me to be at home with the kids which means in our case equal access to every penny he has, no questions asked but equally he doesn't want me to work properly and has moved the goalposts a few times re my return to work which is a constant source of frustration.

I think drawing up clear rules before hand makes the most sense so that you're both on the same page. Is my life bad? No, not at all. I have time for my hobbies and friendships but if I hadn't had postpartum psychosis would I have become a sahm? Not a chance.

I found being a stay at home mum really difficult. It would of been easier to go back to work...but if I had the chance to do it all over, I would be a SAHM all over again.

If you're not married don't under any circumstances do it.

It's £75 to get legally married. Do it and have the party later.

He must also contribute to a private pension for you.

I loved being SAHM
My children are all adults now .
I regret not using my time to educate myself as when I gave up my job it was a minimum wage job.
I should have used my time at home to take courses to improve my career prospects.
I have no pension 🥺