SAHM advice, from one SAHM to another

[meadowkoa]

Hi all,

I am considering becoming a stay at home mum for a couple of years whilst my children are very young and maybe until they go to school.

I would like so advice from other SAHM please. The good, the bad, the ugly! I did another post about considering this option however, it felt others jumped on it and judged my decision and it was all very negative.

I'd like some honest advice from people who've done it themselves.

TIA XX

Consider your pension/economy if you divorce.

I loved it, gave me freedom and low stress to enjoy the children and get out/meet friends. I was very lucky to be able to get back into PT work in my industry after 10 years out as soon as I wanted. Getting back to work would be a general downside. (Our finances are shared.)

Best thing I ever did @meadowkoa

you get to see and experience raising your babies once, making memories and watching them grow, just that time you can’t replace, even for the first few years if you can financially then yes.

speaking as a mum of two it’s precious and I’ve cherished every moment of it, one of my children tragically passed away so I think follow your gut decision and do what you feel is best.

Are you married? If not, don't even consider it.

Could you get back into your career afterwards? Will all family money be considered shared or will your partner feel it is his/hers? Will you as a family pay into a pension for the years you are off?**

Thank you! This is what I am considering regarding getting back into work as I do see myself wanting to again in a few years time.

So much to consider xx

Would your work give you 1 or 2 years unpaid sabbatical so you haven't burnt your bridges?

Thank you! These are exactly my thoughts too, it's been a tricky journey to getting to becoming a mum so I want to treasure every moment and am fortunate to do so.

I am so sorry to hear your little one passed away, sending so much love to you and your family xxx

I did this. DH set up an ISA in my name and put in a good chunk of money every year. 23 years married now.

Thank you for this. We are not married yet. As naive as I sound do you advise this due to its ever splitting and me being left with nothing?

Thanks, I hadn't even thought of this. I've worked there just short of 2 years so unsure if it'd be permitted, worth an ask!

Don't quit work if you aren't married, you'd be leaving yourself totally financially vulnerable.

Also make sure DH is topping up your pension pot whilst you are a SAHM.

All money into one pot which you have full access to.

As you are not married if you split up whoever has the child(ren) living most with them is entitled to child maintenance.

You would be legally entitled to nothing from him including if he got hit by that proverbial bus next year that kills him. (The child(ren) would automatically inherit his estate. He can write a will but getting married is cheaper as there is no/less inheritance tax to pay.)

Get married. Book now for September in the registry office. Then in a few years time when you have the funds retake your vows and have the big party. Your child(ren) will definitely enjoy it.

I absolutely wouldn’t be a SAHM if not married. Long term protections and whatnot. Work pension contributions into the household budget as a necessary expense.
As a choice though, being a stay at home mum is fucking brilliant, if it suits you. Technically I’m actually not a SAHM as I’m self employed but that’s only one day a week paperwork then as and when I can, so potayto potahto. I love my time with my son, we have so much fun.

Think in terms of term times (roughly) as lots of activities, even for preschoolers, run according to the school year, some term time only, some holidays only.

Remember travel’s an option, even a short journey to a new place, a coupla nights’ camping, change of scene - magical through children’s eyes, you don’t need things to be perfect. Get to know your friends’ work rotas - it can be lonely now that more parents work, so knowing the days your friends may be up for socialising is helpful. Lots may be part time or condensed hours/shifts.

Enjoy! Don’t fret about what others think of your decision. You do you.

I mostly absolutely loved it. I was a sahm for 14 years. 3dcs. I became a school governor to keep my brain engaged and did all sorts of interesting and challenging things through this. I was lucky that there is a national shortage of people with my training so I could walk back into my old job after many years out. I didn't originally realised this though and the prospect of going back to work was very daunting. My DH was very supportive and I was lucky that financially it was fine for me to be at home. All money was in the joint account and was definitely our money. I used to think I had completely kyboshed my career, but actually after 5 years back at work, I'm in a pretty interesting place work wise. I definitely facilitated my DH to work in ways that would have been very challenging for us as a family if I had also been working.

Best thing I ever did too. I decided not to go back after my second child was born, and had a wonderful few years off with both my children. I intended going back when my youngest started school, but have tried a few different things that haven't worked for me, but that's due to my sons additional needs. So I'm starting back as a SAHM again now (kids now 10 & 8). Hopefully I will be able to get back part time down the road, but focus for now is on my son.

Yes there are some demanding & boring days, but I adored my time as a SAHM when they were littles!

Keeping busy & keeping a routine is good. Getting out to classes with them. The first 6-9 months are fab when you meet new friends but gets a bit harder when those friends return to work.

Best of luck!

Can I ask why your considering being a SAHM instead of working PT which would give you a nice balance and keep your career going?

Thanks for all the advice. You have all given me lots to consider and have informed me of things I was unaware of!

There's definately a judgment off people when you tell them that this is what you and your partner are considering as it's not heard of much these days, but as people have said. " you do you"!

I am home with our DD since a year now and it's tiring at times as you are not really getting a break like you do when you go to work. I was only comfortable leaving my job as we are married and I have my own money and am self sufficient so even if my DH walked out of us I would be ok with DD. It helps a lot that my DH is from a country where lots of women stay home (starting to change with younger generations though) so he thinks it's man's responsibility to provide. We are also transparent with our finances together so I know all relevant details and it makes me feel safe.
I have some too many threads on MN from stay at home mums who are having issues as suddenly their husbands/partners start resenting them and refusing to provide, women have no idea of their finances etc.
so there has to be some conversations in advance on finances and responsibilities and how you are doing it in practise for it to work.

I have been a sahm for 6 years. It's very hard work but I absolutely love it. I was unmarried for the first couple of years but we got married when eldest was a toddler. I only recommend this though if you are certain your DP will marry you and you have a clear timeline or date booked!

Consider your support network. I have no family nearby which can be tough so I put a lot of investment into making some amazing local mum friends and they are my lifeline.

Have a routine - I have set groups I take my toddler 2 when ds is at school.

Good luck!

Sometimes stressful.

WAY harder than my professional job (currently on max career break).

But the years have absolutely flown by and I just know there are no regrets looking back when they get older. I've soaked every little bit of them in for years.

I think it's the most natural thing in the world to want to be home with your babies.

Best thing ever, but please don't do it if unmarried! Splitting up or one of you passing say would be 10x more dreadful if unmarried.

Just to state another viewpoint, I've been a SAHM for approx 11 years and it's been the best time and the hardest. (4 kids) the relentlessness of repetitive housework and demands with no time to myself has nearly led me to lose the plot on a number of occasions.

Maybe learn from my mistakes and as someone said, consider PT work after the first year or so or even just a few hours each week.

I feel very lucky to have done this (finances have suffered of course) and I wouldn't want it any other way, but it can feel very intense and I've actually lost track of the number of Mum friend's who've returned to work and said it's like a break compared to when they were SAHM's.

I suppose in short, I'd recommend seeing how it goes and being open to reconsidering the set up at regular intervals maybe.

Yes exactly. If he doesn't want to marry you that's a massive red flag for commitment, and if unmarried he can walk away owing you nothing other than any assets in your name and CMS, which he may or may not pay - if you're married then the damage to your career from SAHM is taken into account in the divorce. personally I still wouldn't be an SAHM for more than a year or two max, but 100% not if unmarried.

Definitely wise to get married. And make sure you fill in the right forms that the years count towards NI contributions.

I'm so grateful I get to be a SAHM. Our time together in the weeks isn't snatched hours before work when everyone's in a hurry and after work when everyone's tired. We get all day every day together.

I get to witness every milestone, dry their tears, share their joys, shape their character and worldview. Sometimes it's very hard indeed, but even the worst days have real joy in them.

The years fly by SO quickly. I don't care if we're a bit poorer, financially. We're fantastically rich in the more important matters. I wouldn't sacrifice this time with my children for £1m salary, let alone the much smaller amount i could realistically be earning!