PND - how can it get better?

[Sofrustrated24]

NC as I’m so ashamed.

My son is nearly 8 weeks old. It was a difficult pregnancy (IVF, prior miscarriages, HG, preeclampsia, premature labour, haemorrhage, weeks in hospital). DH was able to take extra time off work but he’s had to go back this week so I’m on my own.

I’m not coping. I’m getting around 3 hours of sleep from around 8pm to midnight when DH does the feeds. Once I take over from DH for the feeds post midnight I just don’t sleep. Feeding/nappy/burping etc takes a good hour. My son only naps for short amounts of time in the day too (about 45 minutes) and he’s bottle fed on expressed breast milk so I need to express when he sleeps meaning I can’t nap during the day. He wants feeding every two hours so it’s relentless - especially once I’ve sterilised the pump etc. I feel like a massive failure for not being able to breastfeed so I feel like the expressing is the only good thing I’m doing for my son so I don’t want to switch to formula. He has colic and he screams and screams and nothing seems to comfort him.

I’ve been diagnosed with PND and I’m in the system for help (have upcoming appointments with psychiatry, counselling etc). I’m on antidepressants. But how can any of this possibly work? It’s not going to fix the treadmill. I’ve had consistent suicidal ideation which is getting worse and worse and harder to tune out. I don’t have any plans but I’m worried that might change in the future. When I think about the future I just feel hopeless. For the first time in my life (and I’ve been depressed before) I genuinely can’t identify a single thing I’m excited about or looking forward to.

I was never sure about being a mum and now I know why - I can’t do it. My son deserves so much better. Sorry for all the self pity but I just wanted to know if anyone has been here and if it did get better? Did the psychiatric input, medication etc help? I just feel so pathetic for not being able to cope with my own baby.

OP, you poor thing. You've been through a very difficult time. Please don't be ashamed of how you are feeling.

Right. Tough talk time. I'm going to say it: expressing all the time is doing you and your PND no favours. It's physically really, really tough on your body.

You've done a great job so far, but you need a break and you need some sleep.

Speaking from experience, stopping my futile efforts to breastfeed and switching to formula was the best thing I did. I'd developed PND too, and it finally lifted when I switched to formula at four months instead of trying to do both breast and bottle. By persisting when it really wasn't working I made myself more unwell.

My circumstances were different, this was baby number 3 and I'd breastfed my first two without a bother, but DC3 wasn't gaining weight. It was sheer stubbornness about breast being best that kept me trying long after I knew I should switch to just formula.

When I finally did, I was a much happier woman and a much better mum.

My honest opinion as a mum of 2 under 2 is the best thing you can do for your baby is look after yourself ! Dont be ashamed to need some help and support no matter what form it comes in.

A happy baby is a fed baby, with my first he wouldn’t latch the hospital tried to force me to stay to work on it but after already being in for a week pre labour I had to get out due to my anxiety issues. We came home and I attempted expressing to feed him and I was getting no sleep at all then he caught Covid at a week old and we were back in the hospital for a week. At that point I was exhausted the formula was available in the hospital and I just felt like I had to try something to get us both some rest. Well game changer !

With my second I did do some expressing but I never put pressure on myself, I couldn’t feel like I was a cow milking myself every couple hours again.

Both my boys are happy and healthy, more importantly so am I to be able to be the mum they need !

When you get some time to yourself don’t always focus on how much sleep you can get (I know when your exhausted it’s all you want) it definitely stops you settling worrying about it. Take some time for self care when someone can watch the baby- have a bath, listen to a podcast, read a book I feel like these things helped me when I tried to sleep actually be relaxed enough to do so.

As someone suggested a carrier can help them being close to you helps them settle, try things like gripe water (can help with wind) and I loved baby massage with both mine lots of benefits including bonding for you both ! If you take the lil one a walk and they fall asleep in the pram (as long as it’s a flat safe space) bring them pram in the living room and get a nap on the couch the fresh air can work wonders for you both.

Take any help your offered, your already an amazing mum you’ve housed the lil one for 9 months and you’ve got through 8 of the toughest weeks but it will all be worth it, you’ve got this ! Sending lots of hugs and keep your chin up.

Just going to add that so much of the scientific evidence around “breast is best” is actually very skewed. When accounting for things like maternal level of education, socio-economic factors, mental health etc. breast feeding isn’t necessarily as beneficial as people think long term. And it makes total sense when you think about it, what is more important to a child’s long term health and development? Six months of EBF or a nurturing, safe, loving environment with a strong mother and child bond?
Your mental health is way more important to your baby than your breast milk.
FF will just give you the break you need to focus on getting through your PND. The benefits of FF are numerous.
Maybe start by combi-feeding and see how it goes. Then listen to a lot of the advice on here. Get yourself out and about, have coffee with friends, go for walks, have daytime naps when you need sleep.
You will get through this and it does get easier in so many ways. It feels like an eternity now, then you blink and you have a toddler and things like colic are a distant memory.

I had PND and PNA and ended up being admitted into hospital when my little one was 8 months old. It's really really hard, and is an awful illness. It's good that you've already reached out for help and hopefully you won't be waiting too long. In the mean time if you start to feel worse or feel like you need help immediately please tell someone.
I know it doesn't feel like it now but it will get better, just one step at a time.
I know you don't want to use formula but could you try combi feeding? So you can have a little break from expressing and get some extra rest?
My little one is 17 months now and I promise you it does get better and these feelings won't last forever. You're doing an amazing job for your son just by asking for help, you've already done the hardest part. Make sure you keep talking to your partner and tell him how you feel, don't bottle things up. I'm here if you need a chat, I know how hard those sleepless nights are ❤️

OP@Sofrustrated24 sending hugs. I've been there.
I solely expressed til 12 wks and looking back i utterly regret not prioritising my mental health - sleep deprivation can seriously exacerbate PND and slow recovery.
Also ,the meds that you will have been prescribed to allow you to breastfeed may not necessarily be the most effective for you - i was still experiencing suicidal ideation until I changed meds much much later and those suicidal thoughts went very quickly, the first ones were just sedating me. Everyone is different and for some ,BF is an incredibly positive experience that helps their MH but having to express constantly is the worst of both worlds. I look back now and realise how deluded I was that I thought expressing whilst being severely depressed and unable to bond with my baby was somehow better than giving a bottle.
lets put it this way, for my second, when he couldn't BF either and I was feeling the PND kicking in , I expressed for 2 wks then went back on meds and switched to FF- my relationship with my second baby was so much better.

So sorry you're feeling like this. It's really early days. Please go easy on yourself - fed is best and a happy mum is really important. Take care.

Op, have you thought about switching to formula? I think when your metal health is taking such a hit like this you need to start thinking about what is best for you, because that will ultimately be what's best for you DC. If you switch to formula feeding you get a bit more sleep, that could improve your mood and give you a bit more energy which means you may eat better or get out and about more which will improve your mood.

You are absolutely not a bad mum for having PND, this is coming from experience, the fact you think this means you are a good mum.

This first bit is so tough, I felt as though I was failing every second of the day. And I absolutely regretted having my DD, I hate to even admit that nowadays. But that was the honest truth, I hated being a mum in the beginning, it was far too much pressure and I felt as though I just wanted to reverse the clock and go back to the way life was before. Believe me when I say that I couldn't think of anything worse than going back to my life without my DD now.

My PND improved when I started getting more sleep, around 12 weeks. When DD hit 6 months my mental health improved significantly, when she was 12 months the PND was nonexistent. There is so much light at the end of this tunnel, take all the help you can get right now, go easy on yourself and make your life as easy as possible right now. YOU ARE IMPORTANT, especially to the little baby of yours, so make sure you remember that!!

Thank you so much everyone. DH has a relative visiting tomorrow so he’s going to take the baby out for the day so I can get a good few hours of sleep and do some yoga, read a book etc for a bit. I’m really going to consider adding in formula. I’ve found a local baby group aimed at women with PND or other mental health issues so I’m going to try and go to that.

Really appreciate everyone who has opened up - so much of what you’ve said I relate too and it’s so helpful to hear it did get better.

I find this all so relatable and therefore too exhausted to write a proper reply 😭 but I'm right there with you and couldn't leave without saying this in case it just removes 1% of your stress
But you don't need to sterilise your breast pump! Hot soapy water for breast milk is fine (so bottles too)
And if you're pumping multiples times a day you can just store your breast pump bits in a zip lock back in the fridge in between pumping sessions and properly clean it at end of each day. Could sterilise everyday few days if that makes you feel better but please don't be wasting all your precious time and energy doing it multiple times a day!

Thanks again everyone who commented. I’ve seen a psychiatrist and we’ve put a plan in place about medication, how I can get more sleep, adding in formula etc. She was lovely and nicely strict with me about how I need to be kinder to myself and that it’s the only way I can get better (basically echoed what you’ve all said). I still feel fairly awful (I think I’ve only slept for about an hour since midnight) but hopefully I can make some positive changes for me and my son.

That’s great news OP, fantastic step to recovery. Wishing you all the very best 💗