How much does your DH do to help with newborn?

[Stardust127]

Evening,

late to be posting this but haven’t had a chance until now. I’m just looking to see how others juggle responsibilities & the share of parenting between you and OH,

I am on Mat leave and my husband has a good income so provides for us. Our baby is now 5 weeks old. We are mix feeding. We have equally shared responsibilities both in the house and with our baby but recently, DH has started saying how he’s so tired and pushed to his limits, how he works during the day and without him working we’d not be able to have our house/lifestyle etc. which is true but I have brought it to his attention that I also have a job during the day of being with our baby. It’s not like I do nothing all day.

he gets annoyed at me for not sleeping when the baby sleeps in the day, saying that my schedule is more flexible than his. Whilst this is true, there are various reasons why I can’t sleep during the day, from being busy doing housework to my body pumping with adrenaline and literally unable to sleep. Our baby often is restless during the day too.

so now I’m with the baby all day, then all night also and my husband will do the 6am feed, allowing me to sleep 2ish hours until he starts work.

our baby has bad reflux so after feeding, needs sitting up for half hour, then burping, then takes time to settle. By that time it’s around 30-45 min until next feed so there isn’t much sleep. On a good night May be longer. Last night I didn’t sleep until 4am. Today we visited family. I was exhausted all day, my DH took a nap and there was no opportunity for me to do so.

if I am genuinely not seeing my DH point of view or if there’s any way I can improve I would like to know as maybe there’s things I’m just not understanding

thank you x

Let the housework slide. Don't try to do everything. Your job is the baby, NOT the housework.

It's going to get easier. Getting a nap will become more possible. I love to snuggle up with my now 8 month old for a snooze.

I have 4 DC. In all honesty DH did bog all with any of them at 5 weeks. Just make sure that as they get older you avoid being the only person that they accept. They need time with your DH even if absolutely everyone involved seems to want you to do everything.

It is extremely difficult to sleep early on when they are sleeping, although don't be doing housework - you need a carrier so you can do that with baby on you!

In newborn months, my DH did 8pm-2am whilst I slept and he slept 2-8. I had the support of our mum's who often came over so I could grab an hour during the day

He did zero "helping". He did equal parenting when he was there. I was ebf so he couldn't do any feeds but in the middle of the night would take over after I had fed if DC needing extra settling. After the final night feed around 5am he would take DC and I would get 2 more hours sleep before he went to work. On weekends we have always alternated lie-ins as soon as possible.

When DC2 was a baby DC1 was 2 and waking every night. As I was ebf the baby he was entirely responsible for everything to do with DC1 at night.

For years now we have alternated bedtime. As soon as I had stopped bf.

At 5 weeks, I would feed baby at 9ish then go to bed. DH would stay up with baby until their next feed at midnight ish, feed them and settle them then bring them up to our bedroom once asleep. I would then do the 3am feed, but would have had 5-6 hours sleep by then. I would have baby all day, but wouldn't do any housework! When DH came home he would take baby so I could tidy and cook dinner. On the weekends we would have one lie in each.

I have a 3 month old. When DP was off on maternity he would help in the night. Since he went back to work I do not expect him to help too much on work days. Housework I don't think he should do anytime as I'm home. He will help with feeding after work whilst I'm doing dinner. Days off I like him to rest but he does often help to give me a break. Routine will come don't stress

My DH was great, very hands on. Took over most work when on paternity leave. Once back at work our deal was he’d get up and do the early morning feed (mix fed) before either settling baby or passing her to me to go back to sleep. He’d usually do a late night feed to if he was still up and if I wanted to go to bed early. General housework, trying to maintain a semblance or tidy order was mainly me, but honestly house work really isn’t that important compared to being rested.

I would always sleep when baby slept, sod the house. One of my favourite parts of being at home with my babies was our naps together, especially as they got a bit bigger. I found sleeping with baby in bed, either in my arm (not when tiny) or just holding hands meant they slept longer as I was right there to sooth them. We got some good 😴 in when we co-napped.

Dh did bath time every night, I was happy doing dinner. Sometimes it was a proper cooked meal other times microwaved or very easy meal. There were never any complaints, we were both tired so just did what we needed to.

Friday nights were different, DH got home, I passed him baby and a bottle and he passed me a bottle of wine. I’d take the night off. DH would take Saturday night to himself. This worked well with baby #1 but not when #2 comes along.

Knock the visiting on the head, you don’t need to do that while you’re exhausted.

DH did take naps but so did I.

My older 2 had bad reflux, it sucks but it gets better. Have you tried changing formula looked at your diet for the breast milk portion of feeds. Keeping them upright as long as possible is the best thing right now.

i do think you really need to try and sleep during the day. Even if you’re pumped full of adrenaline, lie down and relax rather than be on the go. You might drift off or you might just feel a little more rested.

My biggest challenge I think was trying to shower, I would take the baby bouncer in the bathroom so she could see me and chat to her.

i didn’t sleep last night other than an 1.5/2hrs at 4am yesterday. Came to bed at 10pm tonight with baby, fed him and settled him, got 20 min sleep then he’s up again for a feed. I’m exhausted. My husband is asleep downstairs oblivious to everything but I dare wake him to help me. I won’t hear the end of it tomorrow if I do.

I used to feed at about 7.30 ish then give baby to dh and I went to sleep.
DH did the feed at 11/ 11.30 / midnightish and went to sleep then.
Then when I woke at 3am / 4am for next feed, I'd had a good solid 7+ hours and dh got a good solid 7 hours or so overnight too.

As ours got a bit older, we then did alternate nights for any wakings.

Mine didn’t do much. I was fortunate enough to stay with my family as it’s a tradition and so I was taken care of. My OH has always been more domestic, he does work but is back home by 4 and usually has to be in bed by 10. So I tend to do the night shift, and day shift. He would do the cooking and cleaning though and I was fortunate enough to feel that I could let thing slide knowing he would pick it up when he is back. When my OH had his leave I made sure he shared the responsibility- although I am EBF so feeding falls on me, but if I express I tell him to do it. At night I would tell him to do a nappy change or to help.

However when he has work the next day I do let him sleep.

Sounds like your OH is making you feel bad. Honestly I till struggle to nap when baby does! There is so much to do and sometimes you just can’t sleep. Mine us 4 months old.

Has he taken any time off at all? Over the weekend can you put your foot down to make sure Friday night and Saturdays are yours to rest whilst he takes care of the baby?

5 weeks is hard. You need to sleep whenever you can, let the housework slide. I did all night feeds with mine because I ebf and didn’t see the point in us both being awake. I’d sleep in the evening when my partner got home from work so he could take the baby.

You need to speak up and be very specific now. Mine did next to nothing and I'm still resentful 3 years later. For some reason I didn't really say anything or push it. It's great to read there are so many great father out there, but I've found the same with pretty much all of my friends and family. The men are completely lazy and will do the bare minimum

Stop doing housework prioritise your sleep. He does housework and the 6am feed. You get to sleep till midday at least one weekend day and he can nap in the afternoon of weekend days. Don't stay up in the evenings go to bed when baby does. He can cook dinner and do enough for you to have lunch the next day too.

And stop calling it help with baby. You are shooting yourself in the food. That implies baby your responsibility and he's so kind for "helping". As a op said it's not helping it's parenting. You need to get this clear right now or you face a lifetime of inequality in your home

After my DH went back to work I did all night feeds for all 3 of my children. I don't think there's any point both people being exhausted. On his days off I expected him to give me as much rest as possible by taking baby downstairs as soon as awake and only bringing to me when they needed feeding.
I am also a very light sleeper and was on sleep medication after all 3 births. I understand about the adrenaline. But imo being tired at home is a bit better than being tired at a job where you could get fired. Yes caring for a newborn all day is work but they do usually nap and even if they don't you can lie there a bit and rest sometimes.. thats not possible at a job.

I think sometimes in these situations something has to go. Why are you doing so much housework? You have a newborn baby. Just do the bare minimum for now and focus on getting enough rest during the day.
Make sure that on his days off he is really pulling his weight and giving you proper rest time.
But as for when he's working I do think it's reasonable for him to be getting the long stretch of sleep during the night before work.

I was like you op - I can't just sleep when baby sleeps.
Although I do jobs around the house when baby is awake and chill during naps. Shower while he watched me in the bouncer. Used the carrier . Play Mat.

I did all nights in the week (admittedly I did have quite an easy newborn, just feed and back down) and my DP slept , he works early then back early 2.30pm and from then till bed he pretty much had the baby or did dinner etc. I could nap etc if I like or again, just chill out.

He's selfish to think his tiredness trumps yours. You are in this together.

My dh had 2 weeks paternity leave but as he works away Monday to Friday I've had to do it all on my own during that time. When he's home he helps and is happy to share but dc very much sees me as primary caregiver so just wants me. At 9 months in I'm exhausted but it's far better than it was at week 5, I found up until about week 15 very difficult.

It gets better as baby gets older OP!
As most have already commented - let the housework slide!
Since co sleeping with my baby from 6 weeks old I’ve been able to have better sleep as I breastfeed baby in bed.
Husband has a physically demanding job so I sleep with baby in spare room so I’m responsible for the night shift so husband can sleep through the night.
I am with baby all day but when husband is home from work he does cook, clean, do laundry, walk the dog and washes baby bottles. He basically does what I haven’t done during the day.
Husband also helps with bath time every night and every other night he puts our 4 month old to sleep with a bottle.

On weekends he has our baby for a couple of hours in the morning so I can have a lie in and catch up on sleep etc.

When my baby has a long nap (1hr) usually in the morning, I usually nap with her so I don’t feel groggy but I do wake up and sometimes feel that the day has gone by so fast!

I did all the night feeds as DH’s job is stressful and precarious if he makes a mistake/is tired.

At the weekend, DH would get up when baby woke for early feed (5/6am) and take the baby downstairs and I would sleep until around 9, it was bliss, and got me through the nights the rest of the time.

It does get better, hang in there. And YY to leaving the housework etc. If you live off ready meals in the early days, so be it!

He isn't helping, he's parenting. Baby is just as much his responsibility as yours.

We did everything 50/50 when he was home, even during maternity leave.

EBF, so no feeding/night walking for DH. He leaves for work at 5am, so he changes nappy and pops LO in with me for a feed.
He chooses to start work early so he can be home for bathtime.
This seems to work well although he is away every couple of weeks for a day or so, and bathtime is picked up by me.
As to housework... very low priority.

@Stardust127 baby is still very young and it's very soon to have it all figured out. It's so hard to see it now but it will get easier.

I have a 9 week old, my other children are 6 and 2. I predominantly care for newborn as she's EBF but she's a much easier baby then my other 2 were. DH parenting looks a lot different this time to us being first time parents as he takes the reins more with the other ones.
Communication is key, try not to engage in competitive tiredness. You'll both be tired. We both work as a team as far as housework goes.

If like a lot of men he needs to process things systematically, putting it to him like this might help? He needs to remember you're on maternity leave to look after the baby (hence the name), you haven't become a housewife - that means it's no more your job to do housework than it is his job. From there, you get to the principle that you both have a job during his working hours, yours being looking after the child and his being earning the money. That means that when he is home, logically everything should be split 50-50, giving you BOTH the chance to be rested enough to perform adequately at your day jobs.

Absolutely not ok. It's hard working with a newborn but it's hard caring for a newborn full time!

We agreed that whilst my husband was at work, childcare was my "job" and then tried to split things 50:50 otherwise. My husband needed protected sleep overnight due to his job (surgeon) but would still take baby from the after dinner until around midnight so I got some protected sleep (between breastfeeds).

Definitely minimum of housework only, this is survival time and I found around 6 weeks harder than the first few days as the sleep debt has really built up.

My daughter was a baby during the pandemic. My partner was working 7am-noon shifts having to be out of the house at 5.30. so I got no help overnight.
He did do all of the housework, all of the cooking. He would often come home at lunch to me not eaten or drunk anything because of a very unsettled baby. We would often be both crying our eyes out so he held us before going back to work from home in the afternoon.
I was breastfeeding but for a while that was the only thing I did in the day. It was the only thing I could do because of severe pnd and psychosis. Everything else my partner did despite his working day being 5.30am - 6pm. Thankfully he was flexible enough in the afternoon to hold us up where possible. He did all of this without complaining once.

I started going to bed earlier- about 7/8pm - to get some sleep before the baby's bedtime.

I agree stop trying to do housework while the baby sleeps. Focus on your rest at that time.

HE'S NOT "HELPING"!!!!! He's caring for his own child and looking after his own house. You should be dividing childcare and housework equally, outside of his working hours, so you both get equal downtime, him from work and you from baby care. And you should prioritise your wellbeing whilst baby is asleep, even if you can't sleep, take a bath/shower, watch TV, read, do some yoga, at least physically rest.