Parenting a child who cries. A lot.

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I'm I need of sone serious help. My son is 5. He's lovely, energetic, kind, bright etc. I'm a single mum and I'm struggling a little with managing his moods, mote specifically his crying. He cries multiple times a day and feels things so deeply. This morning it was because his favourite cartoon characters would never be real. Yesterday is was because I turned the tv off (he was allowed an hour with a 10 and 5 minute warning). It could be having to leave the park, being asked to put his socks on, etc etc.

I used to deal with it well, but I've become so drained by his crying that I almost feel desensitised. It's like I have no energy left to care and I am aware that this isn't OK. It means I'm not always as emotionally attentive when I should be and I would like to undo this.

Has anyone experienced a similar aged child cry multiple times a day? How did you manage it? Do you have any tips to help teach him manage/understand his emotions as he gets older? And please tell me it gets easier?!

to show that you’re not in the least bit bothered by the tears

perhaps even “oh tears again, i’ll leave you to it” and walk off

Just why would you do that?

My Dd was like this. It was wearing. But l would never have spoken to her like that.

She was later diagnosed as Audhd, and is very sensitive emotionally with RSD. This so why she was crying. Her system couldn’t cope with things.

oh give over

crying over the TV being turned off after a ten minute warning

you just say “oh tears again”

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow what techniques do you have to help with the constant crying and emotions?

Mainly minimising disruption. And giving warnings of transitions.

But ignoring made it worse as did sanctions. She just wanted soothing.

Well, what helped for us was acknowledging the feelings and sort of 'validating' it, although I can see that this approach isn't for everyone. Encouraging her to let it out, cry as much as you need to, yes it is so frustrating when we have to turn the TV off, and then just sitting with her and waiting until it was over. For me DC, trying to stop it made it worse, they just needed an outlet for the feelings!

*to show that you’re not in the least bit bothered by the tears

perhaps even “oh tears again, i’ll leave you to it” and walk off*

wowsers. Way to fuck up a child

he’ll grow out of it. My child was a crier. She’s 9 now and still will have a cry if she’s tired. I give her a hug and she feels secure and recovers extremely quickly now.

over tv turning off after 10 minute warning

not the death of his dad for example 🙄

Yeah validation is the answer. Exhausting though.

Ignoring or saying ‘tears again’ makes it worse.

Are there things you're doing now to help build her resilience as she grows up? All the labels in the world won't help when she goes to work. It's not a dig but a genuinely curious question. I've worked with a few overly emotional people and they've never lasted in jobs but I'm guessing they grew up in a "get over yourself" time. Now we have labels, are there things that are being done differently to help people transition into adulthood?

Well there’s the equalities act for a start. And the government push to get ND people into work as they have low employment rates but not necessarily low skills.

And they grow out of it. Or are medicated. I’ve been working for 37 years. I’ve never worked with anyone ‘ too emotional’ for work.

over tv turning off after 10 minute warning
not the death of his dad for example

children cry because they’re upset. Whether that’s something trivial to you is irrelevant - at 5 their brain’s don’t work in anywhere near the same way as an adults and they’re not always capable of being rational. Dismissing them every time will lead to a lot worse emotional problems than a quick hug and some reassurance. Kids need to understand you’re there for them and then their emotions become less scary for them and they mature out of it.

my 9 years old certainly wouldn’t cry at a tv being turned off. But a 5 year old? Sure

i now have two teens

very happy, well adjusted and confident and secure!

Mine grew out of it.

It was difficult for me. It must have been even more difficult for them.

I think it's starting with how you react to it - validate and offer brief comfort but don't assume it means something is terribly wrong.

Acknowledging that feelings are real, but they do change and let them 'sit' with that feeling until it's over.

Try not to react to others who believe that there is something wrong with children showing difficult emotions - sometimes people trying to help (often relatives) will offer bribery or harshness or 'good advice' to try and get them to stop. If you can let them know it's okay to leave them be.

My daughter was a tearful one, we found that validating the feelings and allowing her space to express them helped. Ignoring it, dismissing it with this nonsense "oh tears again" or trying to stop it just made it worse. They're little with little developing brains, turning off the TV is so much more catastrophic to a child than it would be to an adult. The tears are their way of expressing those feelings.

"Yes it's so frustrating when we have to stop doing something we enjoy, isn't it? Can you tell me about how you're feeling?" Etc etc, talk it through with them, help them express their emotions with their words instead of crying. . Makes you feel a right Blue Peter Presenter-esque twonk but it does seem to work.

After a bit DD was able to tell me with her words that she was cross or sad because we were turning off her game/the TV/whatever before she was ready, able to understand that her being sad was ok, and then able to ask for a cuddle or whatever she needed to feel better in the moment. The tears gradually stopped and were replaced with "mummy I'm feeling quite cross" and then a discussion about that and a resolution reached together.

It's a fucking slog teaching kids how to human, you'll get there. It'll get easier!

This. Tears are for communicating that you are unwell, in pain, sad because something bad has happened, afraid, lonely etc. not for stupid things like the tv. Time to grow up a bit

Well there’s the equalities act for a start. And the government push to get ND people into work as they have low employment rates but not necessarily low skills.

This bit works in theory but not in real life.... at least it doesn't now. I work on the education provider side with degree apprentices. The percentage with reasonable adjustments dwindles from start and finish. A depressing number leave or get sacked within the first 2 years. All these companies make noise about equality and diversity but they can't tolerate minor the inconvenience when employees won't meet them halfway. Especially when they have their pick of young people who are easier to work with.

It's not the students' fault but it's how the world works and anyone who teaches their child that the world has to adjust to them and they don't need to learn coping strategies is setting them up for a hard time.

I worked in teaching for 26 years. This was never the case.

We had loads of trainees with adjustments.

They never got sacked. We had loads of staff with adjustments ( that l knew of) They never got sacked either. Including myself.

Isnt an education provider a supply agency?

What an awful thing to do. Imagine if someone you love did that you when you were upset.

Yes, I'm at the university. The students aren't teachers. They're working in very large organisations. The number of students with adjustments who don't finish the course is much higher than students without. It's not what you want to hear (it's not what I want to hear either) but it's my experience. That's why I was so interested to hear what strategies parents of younger children have been given to help with the transition into adulthood. At the moment it feels like the number of students with a diagnosis of something increases year on year but they've not had support in how to manage any difficulties.

I have a child like that OP. She was very sensitive and cried a lot. I think she just felt everything very intensely. She is 15 now, and still very sensitive. That's just who she is. I think the best way to handle it is to let your son feel sad for a little while, give him lots of love and cuddles and then quickly move on. Distract and engage him in a different activity. He will forget.

I agree with @otravezempezamos and @whichfan he needs to learn this isn't ok and sympathising with upset over the TV is only validating it. I think the 5 and 10 min warnings are excellent and that's all thats needed, subsequent tears can be ignored as they are just attention seeking.

Children need to learn to regulate emotions, they need to distinguish between feeling something and expressing it. Just because you feel sad you don't need to cry, just because you feel angry you don't need to shout or hit etc. That's really tough for some children so i think its important to acknowledge the emotion/ feeling but show them how to behave appropriately. I think if you have a chat with him about TV for example, and say from now on you are not going to cry when it's turned off, and when he does it is completely blanked. It doesn't need to be blanked every time as new situations may need a different approach.

You say you are desensitised, I think a 5 year old can understand this. 'When you cry so much I don't know when it's a silly thing or a big thing'.

I do this too. Or I tell her to stop crying .
Reading this thread I feel pretty bad about that! I'm trying to show her she doesn't need to overreact and that things are fine (if things are fine)
Like yesterday she didn't like the taste of her juice and started to cry and I just asked 'why are you crying ? Just use words and tell me you don't like juice!'

So many parents ignore their children's emotions or encourage them to suppress/ ignore rather than confront and deal with them in a healthy way.

It is much better for children to let out their feelings and then have a hug and feel secure, than to push everything down - that is what makes for messed up adults who cannot regulate their emotions.

Teach kids that emotions do not need to be scary and just be there for them.

Just because you think it is insignificant, does not mean it is for your child - children think about things in different ways, some feel things more, and they just need reassurance and encouragement.

People on here are hilarious. You're not going to permanently damage your child by saying "tears again". This is the approach I'd take. Pandering to it and "validating" them is probably far more damaging.

Personally, I'd probably say "if you're going to cry every time it's time to turn it off, you won't be able to have TV time anymore."