Parenting a child who cries. A lot.

[Pograze]

I'm I need of sone serious help. My son is 5. He's lovely, energetic, kind, bright etc. I'm a single mum and I'm struggling a little with managing his moods, mote specifically his crying. He cries multiple times a day and feels things so deeply. This morning it was because his favourite cartoon characters would never be real. Yesterday is was because I turned the tv off (he was allowed an hour with a 10 and 5 minute warning). It could be having to leave the park, being asked to put his socks on, etc etc.

I used to deal with it well, but I've become so drained by his crying that I almost feel desensitised. It's like I have no energy left to care and I am aware that this isn't OK. It means I'm not always as emotionally attentive when I should be and I would like to undo this.

Has anyone experienced a similar aged child cry multiple times a day? How did you manage it? Do you have any tips to help teach him manage/understand his emotions as he gets older? And please tell me it gets easier?!

I have a child like this.

Anything that is crying over something ridiculous they get "stop crying, I know you're a bit sad because the TV got turned off, however that's not something to cry about". They have a hug and usually that's it.

If its a cry whinge, I genuinely can't understand what they're saying. So they have to calm down to tell me.

We talk a lot about the boy who cried wolf!

Mine can cry a lot. I say deep breaths and speak to me properly before I can help.

He's 6.5 and it honestly does me in. I had way more patience when he was younger.

I've known children like this and they have all grown out of it by 9 or 10 (although in some cases they still have strong feelings - they just learn to manage them).

I don't think it matters greatly whether you validate the tears or not - they are crying because they can't help crying. It is a different phenomenon from deliberate tears to try and get their way. The parents I know who have had to deal with this tend to go for a weary pat on the back or quick hug, but not get into much discussion about whatever has set the child off this time.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow "
And they grow out of it. Or are medicated. I’ve been working for 37 years. I’ve never worked with anyone ‘ too emotional’ for work"

Oh you will. God knows what the younger people coming into the workplace will be like. The ones who have been rolled in compassion and had every nonsense feeling or behaviour "validated" 😑

To you it's just turning the TV off. To him it's obviously a very real, upsetting thing.

Whether or not you think it's something to cry over, he clearly thinks it is.

Kids go through stages of intensity like this and they actually feel distressed.

I don't blame you OP for being at the end of your tether with the crying. At 5 I think you can start teaching them how to move on positively from a minor upset like turning the TV off.

In this house, if turning the TV off (after good warnings that time was up) caused crying we wouldn't be watching TV again for a few days. If it happened every time then no TV at all given that TV isn't necessary.

I don't agree that the right thing for the child is to give a ton of positive attention if they're crying at nothing but I do agree with PP that a snide remark like 'oh tears again' is unpleasant and not helpful to anyone either.

I also agree with other pp that making too many concessions for a child who may be ND isn't helpful to the child in the long-run. It's really important to teach them the skills to get along in life without the expectation that society/peers/workplace will change for one person.

I have ADHD and my DD is waiting for an ASD assessment so it's not that I don't have a clue about these things and their impact on life. I also know a 6 yo with more pronounced ASD whose mum is doing a brilliant job of teaching her DD the life skills she needs to be able to form friendships and not expect the world around her to adapt to her at every turn. It's about finding ways to support the things we struggle with.

My DD struggles with transitions, especially leaving places but we've managed to put measures in place and find things that make it easier for her. In the moment if she does act up I remain firm. It would just drag out the inevitable otherwise.

This. 💯

(But so bloody wearing!)

P.s. what a devisive thread - it seems there are two definite camps here...

Does he do this with other people? Sorry OP, it must be tough

Yeah, my mum would say that about me too. In reality growing up not being allowed to cry, be sad, show any negative emotions has a massive impact on mental wellbeing and emotional coping strategies. I was never taught any. My feelings didn't go away because they were ignored! I never learned what to do with them!

I quickly realised the only acceptable answer to "how has your day been?" when I got home was "good thanks", even if that was wildly untrue. I learned it was pointless being upset as no one cared. Much easier for my mother, yes, she never had to deal with any negativity! Stamped that out of me nicely, she did.

I wouldn't ever ignore my child crying or dismiss it out of hand. I agree with PP who acknowledge, validate (yes, even for tears when the telly goes off! A child is allowed to be sad about that!) Even a curt "ah it's sad when we have to stop something we are enjoying! There will be another chance later. Right now we have to wash our hands for dinner" sure it's exhausting, I'm sure I was an exhausting child, but kids need to know we care, even about the small things, in my opinion.

Already posted upthread but to add, i work with this age and this is the approach I've been trained to use. My colleague will say 'babies cry because they don't have words, you aren't a baby anymore so you must use words'. When they are doing that cry whine heaving talking thing, we say (gently) 'I'm sorry but I don't understand, when you stop crying you can tell me'. Almost 100% of kids from about age 3.5 can stop this themselves within a few minutes, then they say often tearfully what the issue is and we reassure or hug, whatever is appropriate but we do not indulge crying. I trained for this work after my own kids and am gobsmacked constantly by how much more capable children are than we presume. I understand it's different obviously than a parents role,we aren't the emotional crutch for them, but I wish I'd known then that I know now. A 5 yr old is capable of stopping this or at least reducing it. Even with ND, it's a longer harder uphill battle but they have to keep trying to regulate because one day they will be capable, if they aren't encouraged to try they won't ever get there.

Yup. @whichfan My parents would say that about me as well, because that's very much how I present, because it's what they expect/ demand. But the truth is that I deeply wish they had validated my emotions more, and the way they behaved was damaging. I would not do that to my child.

I had a dc that cried from the mine was born and then just didn't seem to stop.

When he got to about 6 or 7, we had a chat about it which basically went along the lines of 'Did you know you've cried every day since you were born. Are you okay? What are you feeling/thinking?' Then we had a chat about it.

He was quite taken aback but it was positive. He's a bit older now and doesn't cry so much. We talk about feelings, releasing them but also getting things into perspective. Navel gazing and maudlin is not healthy. I acknowledge when he's frustrated but try to do it before the tears start. He shakes it off so quickly now unless it's an actual issue.