Does your partner help with night feeds?

[Kiwiburgh]

I'm just curious what people's opinions/ expierence is.
We have a 5 month old formula fed baby who sleeps in his own room. I'm on maternity leave for 1 year.
Husband has never done 1 night feed, baby generally wakes at 2200,0200 and 0500 for a feed.
I of course wouldn't expect him to do a weekday as he works full time but it would be nice if he could do at least the 2200 feeds on weekends.
We do have a toddler who is an early riser around 5/ 530am but it's myself who also gets up with him except on a Sunday when husband will.
My friend feels he should be helping out more at weekends, what's the opinions of people here, is it asking too much of him?
Even when I'm sick with tonsalitis currently he wont do a feed. Baby goes down really well after a feed, falls asleep independently so it's not as if he'd have to spend ages rocking ect. ( I'm very luck this baby is a great sleeper compared to his brother)

Thanks :)

I don't see why he can't do at least the 10pm or 5am feed every night, 2 feeds at weekends, and all of them when you're unwell tbh.

He should take over when you're unwell. He should do the 10pm feed and weekend feeds. Does he change nappies, take the baby to give you a break, prepare meals or pull his weight in other ways?

There's no reason he can't be going the 10pm feed! Before DH went back to work after paternity I'd go to bed about 10.30 and he'd stay up and do the 1am feed. Now he's back at work I go to bed earlier and he does the 10pm feed.

Yes, DH and I have shared this from day 1. In fact I reckon he does more as he literally loves doing the bottle.

Baby shouldn't be in own room before 6 months old.
Yes he should definitely be helping. Seems like you are doing it all!! I breast fed and my partner still woke to do nappies etc.
He's now 2 and my partner gets up with him more than me!!

No because I bf but if you’re ff he absolutely should be. They’re his kids too. You should be getting a decent lie in every weekend while he has both of them. He’s being very selfish.

Of course it isn’t asking too much of him. He’s just as much a parent as you are.

Mine sleep through now but it is one of the benefits of formula feeding. DH and I would have blocks of time where it would be our turn to feed, change and settle baby.

Yes fully shared even though husband worked full time. I would do the middle of the night feed e.g. 1am. And husband would do the early morning feed e.g. 6am as he was getting up for work anyway. Then I could have a lie in because I'd been up in the night.

Another useless man. 🙄

Yep. Man with his important job can't possibly have his sleep disturbed.

Yes of course you should split the night feeds if bottle fed. In the early days I would go to bed at 9, DH would stay up and do a feed at midnight then bring baby up to our room asleep, I'd then do the 3am feed. That way we both got 6 hours unbroken sleep. By the time I went back to work at 4/5 months my eldest had a dream feed at 11 then slept through so we both got lots of sleep, youngest still fed once overnight so we would alternate. On the weekends we'd each get a lie in.

Yep…. DH helped with all night feeds even working full time. Being a primary carer/stay at home parent/ on maternity leave is also a full time job. More than full time. It’s an ALL THE TIME job. Treating him like he’s special just because he goes to paid employment, where he has the luxury of interacting with other adults, has tea breaks, maybe a flick on his phone or the news or whatever else when he feels like it, and gets paid for his labour doesn’t exempt him from night duties or make his paid work more important than your domestic labour.

There were times when DH would be going somewhere for work involving lots of driving that I took on the brunt of night feedings because I wanted DH to come home safe every night and not fall asleep at the wheel, but otherwise she is just as much his responsibility as mine. And my mental and physical needs to have sleep and rest are just as important as his.

Also what happens when you go back to work? Set the precedent of shared parenting duties now for your own sanity later.

He should do the 10pm feed every single night. He should also pick up at least one additional feed each night at the weekend as a minimum.

I am the partner in this situation and actually did every night feed from 3 weeks old - I am better on low sleep and better at getting back to sleep quickly. My wife then took the baby at 6am every day and I got a bit of solid sleep then.

He’s a dick.

@cupcaske123 yes, he does do Nappies. He is a good dad but he feels it's unfair if he dosent get to sleep in on the Saturday if get to on Sunday. He does have to get up at 6am for work but afew days a week he can work from home and start at 730.
He dosen't clean but he does deal with the garden and handy work around the house which is fair. I cook Monday to Friday mostly because if the toddler dosent eat by 1700 the level of hangry is insane 😅 I think weekend cooking on average is 50:50.
I was able to breast feed my first so maybe he just got in the mind set then that the night feeds are my responsibility.

@Elisabeth3468 With respect I wasn't looking for advise on where baby sleeps, I'm very aware of the reccomened guideline and we do what happens to work for us/ baby.

@Kiwiburgh your bar is very low. He should be pitching in. He should do chores around the house, he should do feeds and he should wash up and clean up if you cook. He's basically leaving you to do everything while he twiddles his thumbs.

Yes, mine did loads of night feeds, he always stayed up late or got up early (on weeknights) or did the whole night (at weekends) to ensure a decent stretch of sleep for me. You are in danger of burnout and major resentment if he doesn't stop being so selfish. Usually mumsnet is very pro- woman but I've been surprised on threads like this that a lot of posters seem to think all night feeds should be the woman's job on mat leave which I vehemently disagree with. Your mental health will be ruined if you're getting very broken nights consistently for a long time.

When my boy was that age, my partner used to to the 10 pm feed. I'd to the 2/3am feed deepening on what time lil one woke up. Then my partner would feed him at 5am if lil one woke up at that time and if not I'd do it at 6am because partner leaves for work at 6am most days.

Yep, mine did loads of night feeds. We've always split the night get ups with ours pretty much 50/50, even when I was on mat leave and he was at work.

Why is it unfair if he doesn't get to lie in? So he gets to sleep all night but you're up three times feeding and then he gets to have a lie in AS WELL? You say he gets up at 6 for work in the week but you get up even earlier than that with your toddler, after being up in the night feeding. Yes he works, but you're working too - looking after children full time is working. And it doesn't end at 5pm, you're parenting/working 24/7 and he's having an easy ride by the sounds of it. He absolutely should be doing more and taking turns with night feeds. In my opinion he should always do the 10pm feed and then at the very least help with the night feeds at the weekend. Your expectations of him sound pretty low tbh

You say he is a good dad but he’s not prepared to parent his own child or do cleaning - what does he do?

I have done 98% of the night wake ups but my partner takes her every Saturday and Sunday morning. He's done it from a few months old and she is 4 in a few weeks.
She was ebf if she would accepts bottle he gave her a bottle of expressed milk. If she wouldn't he brought her up to me for a feed and took her after she and finished.
I'm a night owl and find night wake ups so much easier than early mornings. My partner is a lark and finds early mornings easier than night wake ups so we play to one anothers strengths

If you were unable to do the 10pm feed would he just do it (like if you were in the bath or asleep or something)?

I breastfed but my partner still did his bit throughout the night. He would get up and be with them when they wouldn't go back to sleep, after the feeding we'd take it in turns - they weren't very good sleepers. At 22.00 we were not in bed so it was irrelevant, our issues were more in the early hours. My partner worked and I wasn't working then but that didn't really come into it - we just muddled through together.

I of course wouldn't expect him to do a weekday as he works full time

Why ever not? The 'he's working so shouldn't do the night feeds' doesn't cut it with me.

During his working day, you're working too, all the hours that he is, just doing a different job to him. When his work day ends, he has a clear cut change in his responsibility, yours just rolls on and this is when the clear cut change in your day happens too - you are no longer solo parenting and get to share the parenting load. Mat Leave doesn't mean you are living the life of Riley at your own leisure!

When he's home, you should share the responsibility for your children equally, including bottle feeds and wake ups through the night and any opportunities for a lay-in should be shared equally too.

My husband works a high stress job averaging 70-80 hours per week and he always helped with a night feed. We then took it in turns to have a lay in each at the weekend. I think your DH should help more. I'm sure when you return to work he won't start simply helping out supposing your baby still wakes (mine took years to sleep through 😴)