Am I in the wrong here, or is the abuse starting again

[NC457]

Relationship issues

I have posted a few times about relationship issues since the wee one was born and the support has always been invaluable so I hope you can forgive the essay!

Things became very unhealthy after our baby was born a year ago - my partner started calling me names in the night because I asked him to change the baby or take turns, raising his voice at me, threatening to not let me use his car if I 'antagonised him' and I ended things a couple of months ago because I was miserable and starting to second guess everything about myself and my perception of what was occurring- and as soon as that happened I knew it was time to leave. The Love and Abuse podcast helped a lot.

As soon as I ended things, he admitted everything he had done was wrong (previously it was all my fault whenever I'd confront him), and started counselling specifically for emotional abuse perpetrators, and has made a lot of positive changes. I got back with him a few weeks ago - we are taking it very slow but it had been going well until this week.

He keeps accusing me of interrupting him (I have ADHD and struggle with this, but I made sure there was a gap in what he was saying before I did). He had a go at me this morning for sleeping in every day this week and him having to do everything in the morning (I slept until 7am twice this week when I had been up all night with the baby and needed rest before work). I said I didn't think that was fair as it had just been twice and he snapped at me and told me to shut up for interrupting him. He did this in front of our son.

I then got this text:

I'm not happy. You have consistently dismissed any issues I've brought up with this relationship. This morning I tried to explain to you why I was in a bad mood and you interrupted me and wouldn't let me get a word in edge ways. You gave me no chance to talk to you then you antagonised me and when I lashed out you acted like the aggrieved party. This is toxic behaviour and it's happened multiple times. I've told you how much I don't like that and it's happened multiple times. This isn't just a recent thing either you've done this since we lived in the old house and any time I call you up on anything you try to turn it around and you make out like I'm the problem.
This is exactly why I got more distant and resentful towards you, this is why our relationship fell apart.
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To me, the text above has already started getting me second guessing myself that I'm the toxic one but I recognise the language above is very similar to how it was before - and I feel it is very unfair that he's blaming me interrupting him for the abuse that caused us to break up in the first place. Am I right to be concerned that he hasn't changed, or does it sound like he is right and I'm the problem?

the mistake was going back to him

don’t waste your mental and emotional energy - classic DARVO tactics

dont tolerate this verbal and mental abuse from a lazy excuse for your child’s father

move out, learn to co parent effectively and build a bright happy world for your child - don’t allow all this toxic mess to impact him any longer

you did so well to go, you can do it again

He hasn't changed and will continue this abusive behaviour. Of course you allowed to speak and respond, he is unreasonable to silence you and rant at you and make it "all your fault" all about you being "toxic" etc.

Please just ditch him it wont get better

He won’t change. My DH is the same.
It was exactly as you describe when our DS was a baby.
Next, he will start on your son.
This is the main reason I want out of my marriage…

Thank you. It's horrible because the confusion sets in and I start second guessing myself but I'd never snap at him to shut up in front of my son like he does. Just gutted because I'd noticed a lot of really positive changes, unlike before, and got my hopes up things would go back to how they are. I feel so naive.

Absolutely run a mile...he sounds extremely unstable ...gosh I wouldn't put up with that at all especially when you have children they don't need to see or hear that...hope your ok xx

This is the response I got when I said i felt like it wasnt fair he was blaming me for all of his past behaviour, and asked if he felt like me interrupting him was done to antagonise him, when I explained it wasn't on purpose I was just trying to say it wasn't right that I'd slept in to 7am every day just twice

"This is exactly what I'm fucking talking about you acted like an asshole and still you try to turn it round on me! I fucking fed up with it you antagonised me with your "oh sorry" in your mocking tone knowing fine well it'd piss me off and I told you to shut up because of your interruption after I told you I wasn't finished which you ignored knowing fine well how agitating that is. I retaliated and you actually like I go too far! You caused that and act like I was out of order that's toxic behaviour"

🙈

I'm not sure what he's asking you to do, and not seen any of your other threads.

On face value he sounds unhappy with a fundamental aspect of who you are (your ADHD). So rather than focus on is it/isn't it abusive I'd take him on face value and look at splitting up.

It’s very unusual for abusers to change. I think that the tiny minority who change behave better in their next relationship because they have a clean slate with the new partner so they don’t have to be defensive of how they behaved in the past.

I think that you’ve made a mistake getting back with him. I know that children ideally have parents together but there’s clearly far too much water under the bridge here.

No No No.. Despite assurances he has not and will not change
He already has you doubting yourself
He is the toxic one
You and your baby will be much happier without him.

When I read that first message, I thought it’s not so much to tell you how he feels, rather than evidence for when he goes to court for contact. He’s trying to show you’re the unreasonable party.

However, reading the second message would appear he’s shot him self in the foot by admitting to his awful behaviour.

Leave and don’t look back.

Further messages:

Me: I wasn't trying to antagonise you
. The way you are saying all this makes it sound like you think I deserved you raising your voice and telling me to shut up in front of our son. Like it's justified

Him: You have just further reinforced what I just said about trying to turn things around so I'm the bad guy you're completely trying to deflect and I'm fucking done with it! That has absolutely no bearing right now we're talking about you and your actions. I apologised at the time. The fact you just keep trying to point the finger at me when we're talking about something that you did which was objectively wrong just tells me you're just trying to shrug off any sort of accountability

Me: I'm just pointing out that the way your wording things concerns me, given the past. I apologised for interrupting you and pissing you off. I am then well within my rights to point out aspects of what you have said in the messages above that concern me. This is not a one sided conversation where you get to tell me everything I have done wrong and I can't point out things I'm worried about. I accepted I had interrupted you and apologised, me saying I wasn't trying to upset you on purpose isn't shrugging off accountability it's just me explaining my mindset at the time.
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Ugh this is all so unhealthy

Does it matter whose 'fault' it is?

Even if you were the problem (which I don't think you are, to be clear!) is that a valid reason to stay in a relationship where he swears at you, shouts at you in front of your child and makes you feel like shit?

FGS just end it. You don't need to post every one of his horrible, DARVO texts.

He's a nasty, abusive POS.

I'm sorry he's doing this but you need to kick him out, pronto.

Reading your texts I’m not sure you even like each other. If I took everything at face value, I just see point scoring on both sides. All this tit for tat has to come to an end one way or the other.

You should never take an abusive person back. They don't change, they just pretend to change. Another thing you need to know is that abusive men (usually) go to therapy to learn how to abuse less obviously. It's all listed in Lundys book "Why does he do that?" Search out his free pdf download and have your eyes well and truly opened.

He's told you loud and clear he's "fucking done with this", accept that at face value and kick him out and do it soon before he starts telling the family court that you are the crazy one, because he will.

Finally - does it really matter who is the one causing the problem? You aren't good together and you never will be, so protect that little baby and get out.

These classes that abusers take just give them new language with which to abuse you. Abusive men even share tips on this on the internet.

Don’t second guess yourself or slip back into the FOG of abuse.Just say “Ok: it seems that neither of us is happy so lets end it. So long and thanks for all the fish.”

"Yes, it is just like before. We've tried but clearly we both know this relationship isn't healthy so it's time to call it a day"

Who cares if he thinks it is your fault

Just end it, he hasn’t changed. He will always blame you as he thinks you should just shut up and do what he wants. He’s an abusive piece of shit

Exactly
He is going to think that whatever you do, and you'll lose yourself trying to keep him happy. Just agree with him it's not working. You deserve better than this.

Ugh, mine did this, it's obvious when you've seen it before. He's worked out that he can't 'win' using blunt force (verbal aggression) anymore and he's learnt a little bit about how abuse works on his course so now he's trying to use that knowledge to abuse you slightly more 'cleverly'. He's probably been looking for an opportunity to use his new techniques, did it feel like he almost engineered the argument to you? That's a dead giveaway if he did but it's obvious DARVO regardless and I would actually say he's becoming more abusive, not less because what he's doing now is premeditated and deliberate. Time to give up I think OP, sorry

Thank you for all of your responses, it's been a big help.

We discussed it further when he got home and I explained how it felt like he was blaming me interrupting/not listening to him for the past abusive behaviour. He said that my feelings about this weren't relevant to the conversation, and that he said it lead to resentment that then caused the issues, which isn't the same thing as blaming me. Wouldn't listen no matter what I said, just said it was further evidence I was pointing the finger at him and twisting things to make him always look bad.

I feel like based on what he wrote in the message in my original post it was fair for me to interpret it that way.

Don't really know why I'm writing this other than to hold myself accountable because it's easier to brush it aside usually.

Are you reading and processing what we are all telling you? He is an abusive head fuck. There can be no honest and kind exchange of views. He will always treat each interaction as a form of war by another means. If he agrees with you he loses. If you feel you have made your point he loses. If you stay you are fucked.

He's abusing you again @NC457, he's punishing you for leaving him last time, it’s just in a different way, more subtle and under the radar. I bet your self esteem and self worth are plummeting just from these few weeks you've been back together. Dig deep and leave before it’s too late. You've done it once before so you can do it again

He is abusive, he's trying to wear you down. Please agree with him that it's not working, stop engaging with him and leave him.

Same shit slightly different packaging that's all. He's still an abuser he's just trying to be more clever about how he abuses you.