Am I in the wrong here, or is the abuse starting again

[NC457]

Relationship issues

I have posted a few times about relationship issues since the wee one was born and the support has always been invaluable so I hope you can forgive the essay!

Things became very unhealthy after our baby was born a year ago - my partner started calling me names in the night because I asked him to change the baby or take turns, raising his voice at me, threatening to not let me use his car if I 'antagonised him' and I ended things a couple of months ago because I was miserable and starting to second guess everything about myself and my perception of what was occurring- and as soon as that happened I knew it was time to leave. The Love and Abuse podcast helped a lot.

As soon as I ended things, he admitted everything he had done was wrong (previously it was all my fault whenever I'd confront him), and started counselling specifically for emotional abuse perpetrators, and has made a lot of positive changes. I got back with him a few weeks ago - we are taking it very slow but it had been going well until this week.

He keeps accusing me of interrupting him (I have ADHD and struggle with this, but I made sure there was a gap in what he was saying before I did). He had a go at me this morning for sleeping in every day this week and him having to do everything in the morning (I slept until 7am twice this week when I had been up all night with the baby and needed rest before work). I said I didn't think that was fair as it had just been twice and he snapped at me and told me to shut up for interrupting him. He did this in front of our son.

I then got this text:

I'm not happy. You have consistently dismissed any issues I've brought up with this relationship. This morning I tried to explain to you why I was in a bad mood and you interrupted me and wouldn't let me get a word in edge ways. You gave me no chance to talk to you then you antagonised me and when I lashed out you acted like the aggrieved party. This is toxic behaviour and it's happened multiple times. I've told you how much I don't like that and it's happened multiple times. This isn't just a recent thing either you've done this since we lived in the old house and any time I call you up on anything you try to turn it around and you make out like I'm the problem.
This is exactly why I got more distant and resentful towards you, this is why our relationship fell apart.
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To me, the text above has already started getting me second guessing myself that I'm the toxic one but I recognise the language above is very similar to how it was before - and I feel it is very unfair that he's blaming me interrupting him for the abuse that caused us to break up in the first place. Am I right to be concerned that he hasn't changed, or does it sound like he is right and I'm the problem?

This is very toxic, and he is abusive. You can and should leave again, guilt-free knowing that you gave him a second chance and he's not able to change.

Why are you still engaging with him? He can only confuse you if you give him the opportunity. What are you actually expecting from him?

You're all right, and making very valid points, he just always has an answer for everything and makes it very hard to think rationally until after the fact. Even now, after another unhealthy conversation this morning I'm still second guessing myself and wondering if I'm making a big deal out of nothing because it's only been one time - that's how deep this goes when I know rationally it's not healthy and that the same thing is very likely happening again. Never thought I'd find myself in a situation like this. Gutted because I really believed he was trying, especially because he'd always refused to go to counselling before.

He is making a big deal out of nothing. Happy men, happy couples, don’t have these awful, blaming, scenes.

Get therapy or go back to therapy and find your courage and stop engaging with him. You do not (no one does) have the skills or strength to rebut him. Just be stupidly stubborn and deaf to reason and keep saying “leave: now.”

he just always has an answer for everything and makes it very hard to think rationally until after the fact.
That's part of the abuse. To keep you so unbalanced and questioning yourself that you don't actually DO anything. You stay trapped.

A normal, decent relationship would have you exploring different ways together, even if it ultimately meant parting ways.

You know you're not being unreasonable. The only thing you are doing wrong here is staying in the relationship. You are abusing your child by returning to him, do you think this is a healthy environment for dc? Protect your child and leave this man and this time, stay gone.

Please get a hold of yourself. This man is an abusive, manipulative arsehole. It seems you and him are unable to communicate in a non toxic fashion. Please leave and raise your standards.

You need to get out quickly before your head explodes. Stop trying to second guess . If you stay you will no longer be able to think straight. You need to protect your baby and get out now

You need to give up on this one. It's a toxic relationship and will never be good for you or dc.

Both of you seem fixated on the idea of who's the victim and who's the villain. But you don't need to be. It doesn't go anywhere. Put all this talk of blame aside. None of it matters. What matters is that the relationship has broken down and it's time to move on.

Hi everyone. A couple of months on I wanted to message to thank all of you for your advice. I left the relationship, he finally moved out and because the abuse got worse after leaving I now only communicate via email or a third party. Having the space away from him has given me the clarity about how abusive and controlling he was and I am starting to rebuild. 100% the right decision. Thank you again I don't know if I'd have ended things at that point if I hadn't posted here.

He is a bully and he thinks he can continue being a bully if he acts so angry that it convinces you that it's your fault he's like that. That's the long and the short of it. It's not your fault he's a bully btw. Do not let him convince you otherwise.

Oops - didn't see update! So glad you ended it - well done!

Sending all my love to you..well done for finding the strength to leave him...he doesn't deserve you...one day you will meet someone that will treat you like you have never been treated before and you will know there and then if he's the one..sending you all the love I the world ❤️

Well done for taking positive action and thank you for coming back with the update.

I'm really glad to see your update, OP. Well done on leaving the relationship.

Great update 💐 good luck with your new life x

So glad to see you’ve left! Are you married to my ex-husband?

Everything was always my fault. He was ever so reasonable and patient with crazy ol’ me. When he shouted at me or punched doors, it was only to be expected because i’d ’wound him up’. I was a ‘liar’ if I recalled events differently from him. I was ‘hysterical’, ‘aggressive’ and ‘lazy’.

Oddly enough, I’m now very happy years later with DP and he doesn’t recognise any of those traits in me. Because, like you, the problem was my partner - not me. He was a gaslighting emotional abuser who would still swear to you that he was a kind and reasonable man who was very patient in putting up with me 🙄

You have provided him with an opportunity to use the language of therapy.. and he’s using it against you.
Bin him, he won’t change.

Sorry, normally read all OP’s posts before responding, but I am bunking off a meeting.
I am glad you have left him, I hope all goes well for you.

Congratulations, OP. This is a wonderful update. Best wishes to you and your baby for a safe and happy future together!