My son is such hard work I cannot cope.

[TheTwirlyPoos]

He's five. Diagnosed ASD. Sociable. Doesn't stop talking.

Currently is just doing silly thing after silly thing. Climbing up a slide. Taking another go when I've said last one. Leaning into a road. I do not stop having to say 'put that down/leave that alone/don't do that'.

He constantly wants. We went to the park yesterday, he suddenly needs a poo, screaming that he needs one right now. I get him to a friend's house very close, all the way he's protesting it's too far. Get in the house he starts a conversation, so clearly not that desparate.

Went to a pub yesterday with a playground with his class for end of term. Didn't stop nagging for a slush puppy. At bedtime is teary and contrite. Go out today and the nagging for one starts again.

Im so so tired. He's so unbelievably demanding, the interaction all the time, I'm worn out

You have a three year old and a five year old and you're going to pubs and trying to do 100 piece jigsaw puzzles?

Why?

Do yourself a favor and stop doing all this.

Do what works for your kids.

This will be:

Being outside, exploring
Coloring
Using a magnifying glass
Using a torch
Building a den
Bucket and spade
Playing in a steam/slow shallow river.

At my dad's today. He hasn't stopped asking for stuff. Can we have one of those, can he have another, what's that, touching this, picking up that. He just doesn't ever feel fucking content for more than two minutes.

^

Meet your dad at the park

All kids touch stuff they shouldn't at that age.

And in response to the endless questions, say: maybe, we'll see, perhaps

Etc etc

Learn to hmm and nod and say ah, ok

Crikey...

Her dad is immobile.

Crayons. Of course that's the answer. Thanks so much!

I don't mean to be rude but that's just so monumentally unhelpful.

@converseandjeans thank you. It's a bit rough atm.

He sounds very much like mine, also 5.

I've found it really helpful over the years to develop the mindset of "Don't tell him what he can't have/do, tell him what he can have/do". So with the slush puppy example it would be something like "no slush puppy today, after the park we'll go home and have some cake". He's generally happier with this approach because he has the reassurance and security of knowing what IS going to happen rather than the low level anxiety of the unknown.

I saw your comment about the timer - we generally do a gradual count down. So "10 minutes, 9 minutes" etc. so the transition doesn't come as a shock to him, he knows its coming, but sometimes those minutes are legit minutes, other times if we have more time and he's happily playing they may be longer.

I've not yet found an answer to the constant need for adult input though if you find it let me know 😂 what's he like at school? Mine needs constant 1:1 support to get anything productive done.

Our plan for surviving the summer hols is lots of time outside, he finds being in nature very regulating

I'm so sorry that you lost your mum so recently. I'm afraid that may be a significant part of the problem.

You are dealing with your grief, you will be on a short fuse and, he will be picking up on your sadness?

One step at a time. My youngest is now 9, lots of sen issues, is a danger if left by herself and some days will literally not leave me alone.

I lost my mum 3 yrs ago when she was 6 and the twins were 8. They worried that I might die, hated seeing me sad (as much as I tried to hide it) and this showed in strange behaviours.

Slushpuppy, did all his friends have one? Could you have 'given in' in a pick your battles kind of way?

Good luck, be kind to yourself x

Thanks so much for all the advice and shared stories, it's really helpful to know I'm not alone.

We do a planner at the start of each week of the holidays so they know what's coming up. We always always go out, so screen time is every day but never ever all day, usually after breakfast and before dinner.

The slush puppy is a great example of where I find it so hard. I said no to it and then other people said yes but I didn't want to change my mind cos I'm trying to be consistent.

Need to go, he's hurt his sister.

You mentioned your husband needing to work whilst you're away - do you ever get much of a break? Does your husband pull his weight with the kids?

In our relationship I'm very much the default parent, both in terms of parenting and all the extra admin a child with additional needs brings. But my husband is very good at taking our son out for a good chunk of time on a Saturday or Sunday so I can get some time without him in my hair - often that time is used to catch up on housework etc. but sometimes it's spent with my feet up reading a book. It's relentless and you need time to decompress too, you will be a better parent for it.

I'm so sorry OP.

You've lost your mum, of course you have nothing in the tank this week.

He sounds incredibly challenging.

He really does sound like a pretty typical five year old, it may help you knowing that a lot of us have these behaviours to deal with, even if you aren’t seeing them in other children you know.
I have six children, youngest is this age. Can you try reframing how you view his behaviour? So constant questions (whilst exhausting) show an inquisitive intellect you are supporting. Or show a secure confidence.
For trips to his grandfather, can there be a couple of special things he only gets to do there - a little tack hammer and large headed nails to bang in to wood perhaps, or magnet fishing game, or pebbles to pile in to to towers on the hearth rug, etc.
With sympathy, and understanding, it does sound like you’ve got into a habit of feeling tetchy about his behaviour and he can sense it at some level. Try and make a conscious effort over the next few days to look for all the lovely things he does (however tiny), have as many cuddles as you can, and everything may be brighter.

For now do what you need to do to get through the next few weeks and allow yourself time to grieve.when your husband is off next week let him take over the mental load.

Moving forward have you tried using visual aids with them both? Having a clear timetable for the day and a now and next board to help with transitions?

For the always wanting things could you have a sensory box/bag full of little bits so they can pick one thing from there? It may help focus the desire for “stuff”

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. Dealing with grief alongside a child with additional needs must be so tough.

You may be better posting this in the SEN topics. You will get well meaning posters here that just don't understand this is well beyond the realms of an average 5 year old and there is nothing more frustrating than the "oh that's normal for a five year old" posters who do not realise just how relentless it is.

I have two autistic children (6 & 8) and the constant demands, chatter, need to make sure they are not doing something unsafe is exhausting. I find the only way to make it through the day is to have space away from them but I appreciate this is not always possible especially when you have a three year old too. Where is their dad in all this?

I understand he has to work but what about when he finishes work at the end of the day? Are you given any time away from them? Considering your mum has only recently passed away as well, did he take any time off to support you with that?

Have a think about

• what he likes to do and make a lLis
• What do you like him to do ( ie what makes life calmer for you)
• Ask him what he likes to do

Write it down/type it up on a device and keep referring to it, or use it as a visual timetable each day.

What is it that you would most like to change about his behaviour? ( what is the most annoying)
Start with this for a minimum time with a reward agreed, using the ‘first and next’ - first is the planned, next is his choice.

The planned activity that you want him to do has to be very short. Perhaps a minute, so that he is successful and he can be rewarded by moving on to his choice. Extend the planned activity slowly as he achieves.

As you have decided on the one thing to change, try and ignore everything else unless unsafe. Try not to be in a position where he is unsafe, matching experiences and activity to his maturity. This keeps everything positive rather than the downward spiral of ‘stop, don’t’ etc.

The most important part of working with your child is reflecting so that you know what works, what doesn't, the flash points to avoid, what your child is good at and can repeat.

Hard work, but worth it.

Ah this sounds so much like my 4year old.
constant, and I mean constant complaining.

we’ll take her for a day out, park, theme park, soft play.. it doesn’t matter where but the second we’re leaving it’s “I want to go swimming, no I don’t want to go tomorrow, I want to go now. I don’t want to wait!”

snacks.. always always needing a snack, the kids eats like a horse and when I draw h to w line and say we can’t have another snack for 30minutes she throws an almighty tantrum and says “that takes ages!” “It’s taking too long!”

She cannot, or will not listen. I have exhausted myself trying to explain road safety, that she is smaller than cars and the will not see her from
their window and she will get run over/broken bones ect. She’s terrified of getting hurt, if I ask her if she trying to get run over she’ll be scared saying “no I don’t want to get hurt, I don’t want to break my bones or go to hospital” but then she’ll just run out into a carpark away from me, I know the obvious thing is to hold her hand, but she HATES holding hands, says it’s for babies and she’s a big girl and that she promises to walk nicely.. yet doesn’t.

im currently off work with stress because it’s just become too much. I haven’t looked into whether she might be ND. Other than her behaviour I don’t have any concerns at all. I thought it was just age and the fact I just struggle to parent 😅

After writing all of the above, it is here much better worded than I have!

Lots of other resources too.

Portage ( I'm trained) and have used it successfully with children can be used for any child not just those with SEND. It is an approach, including to change behaviours. Anything you do must be consistent, it will be tough to start with but gets easier with consistency.

https://www.portage.org.uk/support/resources/parent-list/317

I just wanted to send my love and condolences to you on the loss of your mum.This is the one time you need some peace and space and I really, really feel for you.I’ve no advice just sending support and empathy.Deep Breath my lovely xx

Some of the comments on here have no idea what they are talking about. Things like, "just nod along and say uh huh" try that with my DC:
"What did I say Mummy?l ". Did you hear Mummy?" "Which bit of the story did you like best Mummy?" "No, you're saying it wrong, it's pronounced like this and you have to say it again" "Were you even listening Mummy?"
"I don't think you listened enough, I'm going to test you..."

Then if I fail the test, I'm likely to get hit, scratched, things thrown. If I ignore and walk away, my house is trashed and my eardrums damaged by screaming, etc.

SEN kids are on a whole nother level!

I feel your posts in my bones OP. I have a two year age gap an an eldest who is ND. Sensory processing disorder, dispraxia, probable ADHD. It is relentless. I relied on screen time to keep myself together and that's fine.

Here are some things I did that might be useful.

Visual timetables- I still use this every school holidays- he helps me with them every week.

Movement breaks- I did lots of sensory movement breaks like, spinning, trampolining, wrapping him in toilet paper and letting him burst out, wrapping him tight in blankets and rolling him out. If you search for sensory movement online you will find other suggestions.

Not allowing my two to be alone together during stages where he would likely hurt her. This was a pain in the arse. I wouldn't leave them alone together at all it was too risky for all of us. He would do something then feel shame and it would spiral.

Get out the house as much as possible. This is not easy for everyone. I found my two harder work inside.

I totally understand that you are burnt out. It does get better. Being an SEN parent is the most exhausting thing I have ever done.