My son is such hard work I cannot cope.

[TheTwirlyPoos]

He's five. Diagnosed ASD. Sociable. Doesn't stop talking.

Currently is just doing silly thing after silly thing. Climbing up a slide. Taking another go when I've said last one. Leaning into a road. I do not stop having to say 'put that down/leave that alone/don't do that'.

He constantly wants. We went to the park yesterday, he suddenly needs a poo, screaming that he needs one right now. I get him to a friend's house very close, all the way he's protesting it's too far. Get in the house he starts a conversation, so clearly not that desparate.

Went to a pub yesterday with a playground with his class for end of term. Didn't stop nagging for a slush puppy. At bedtime is teary and contrite. Go out today and the nagging for one starts again.

Im so so tired. He's so unbelievably demanding, the interaction all the time, I'm worn out

That post sounded defensive, it certainly wasn't meant to be.

Honestly climbing up a slide is perfectly normal 5 year old behaviour. My boy was exactly like this, talking constantly and high energy. Not that it helps but it is exhausting, kids clubs and lots of outdoor stuff. Basically running him like a dog 😂 so he was too exhausted to talk.

He is way, way beyond the demands of most of my friends children who are the same age. I don't think anyone around me would describe me as low energy

I feel this in my bones. I know posters are trying to be nice. I know 5 year olds can be demanding, intense and impulsive. But id hazard a bet most 5 year olds can also be calm, independent and generally pleasant. When your child has no other mode than extremely difficult, when you can’t/aren’t allowed to switch off for even 30 seconds, when every single one of your nerves are firing at the end of the day due to how overstimulated you are from parenting…then i’m sorry, but this isn’t ‘normal’.

Have you reached out to the NAS (National Autism Society)? They run courses to help you find strategies to manage this sort of behaviour/your responses to it, and have local family meets ups where you can meet other parents who have been/are in the same place and swap ideas/strategies - and, most importantly, get some support.

Posters who do not have SEN kids cannot comprehend what it's like. It's not the same at all. I'm sure OP hasn't the strength to articulate every little nuance which can make this an incredibly exhausting experience.

OP, it gets better. My son is Autistic/ ADHD and it's easier when they find things they enjoy to entertain themselves. Trampoline in the garden, football goal etc. Activity clubs! Don't feel guilty. Making sure you can re charge is essential

Thank you. I know he isn't NT so I'm happy that I don't have the 'maybe they are right' mentality anynore.

He is usually for me and always for other people - delightful. His academic ability is off the chart. But he does not stop and when we have a rough period like we are atm the tears, impulsivity, questions - they are on another world. I often wonder how many words I say a day. Its a lot.

He likes the trampoline tho often that is married with 'mummy can u come and play Simon says'

Even colouring I have to give constant feedback on.

Thanks I'll do that!

This is so true

At my dad's today. He hasn't stopped asking for stuff. Can we have one of those, can he have another, what's that, touching this, picking up that. He just doesn't ever feel fucking content for more than two minutes.

Hi, I know I referred you on to the NAS, but a lot of his behaviours actually sound like ADHD? There’s a 70% overlap so likelihood is high and, for some reason, quite often when they assess for ASD they don’t automatically also assess for ADHD. There is a pretty definitive test now (the QB test) that is available within the NHS as well as privately. I do wonder whether you should go back to whoever gave you his diagnosis and ask them to extend his assessment to cover this?

The interaction of the two means that normative approaches to managing either ASD or ADHD when they present alone are not very efficient. It would mean you’d have access to additional resources, can consider medication (not the magic pill everyone proclaims, as I’ve discovered after a year of still trying to get the choice and dose of medication right), but everyone I know who avoided it for years, eventually buckled at puberty and then kicked themselves for not exploring it sooner - their kids attention, behaviour, focus and ability to settle in class and form friendships changed overnight for some.

My DD is 19, diagnosed privately as an adult at 18 as waited for 5 years for CAMHS(!), so I would earnestly encouraging exploring this asap - my DD is really pleasant to be around when her meds are working, which in turn means she is better able to keep her friendships working. (Your son sounds like my younger sister - never slept, would climb out of the bedroom window and be found playing in the garden at 4am, never shut up, asked questions and had an answer for everything - my mum didn’t have a decent nights sleep for a decade worrying about whether she would find her missing in the morning. She channeled the energy into an obsession with horses and now owns her own riding stable/school - so the secret is diagnosis and channeling it.)

Absolutely this. Its exhausting.

Have you tried audiobooks with headphones? They work with my son to calm him. At 5/6, he was a big fan of the Ladybird Audio Adventures, which are non-fiction, fun, but educational. He has now burnt through How to Train Your Dragon (whole series!!!) and also most of Percy Jackson and spin offs. Give it a try. Audible makes it accessible. Yoto is another medium. It might give you a few moments peace, which I think you need.

Just going to say this as well. Parents with kids like your son will understand it more than those with NT kids. It's beyond standard excitability and behaviour. You don't need to explain it to those of us who know. It's exhausting and you are at the point where it creates most strain on your own MH. You are doing a great job, your son loves you and knows it, and you will get thru this.

Mine is like this, it's horrendous. Constantly talking, arguing with the slightest little thing, refusing to do anything he has to. Constant battles to get teeth clean, wear clothes, use sunscreen etc.
Holiday clubs won't touch him, neither will mainstream schools. Can't go to soft play etc as he will start fights, even playgrounds are tough now the other kids are out of school.
Friends all have their own kids who he fights with, they have all drifted away. He doesn't let me speak to other people for long either, he needs all my attention, all the time.
DH can't handle him at all and hides at work or in the bedroom so it's just me, all day, every day.
I'm so unhappy but I chose to have a child and I try my best with him. I've done a lot of research and it does help to an extent but it's very isolating.

Can you sit with the kids & work out a plan for the week? Then they will know what to expect.

Also try to offer them a treat & then if they keep pestering just stick to your guns. So it's you deciding on the treat rather than them demanding it. Maybe factor that into the planning - go to park & stop off to get sweets on way home, visit to museum & get a cake in cafe there.

I would say too much screen time will just make things harder in the long run. It's harder to do, but get them out the house for either morning or afternoon. Then do something together the other half of the day - a game, baking, something creative at home.

Offer to take a friend out & then hopefully the other parent will reciprocate?

Have you tried just ignoring him? Say mummy is having quiet time. A quiet cuddle is fine. Mine is like this if i don't tell him to do his own thing. If i keep giving him attention he keeps wanting it. He needs to learn to play on his own. I need to teach him.

Is your child on the spectrum?

But why did your mum buy a very young child a decorative bowl?! And surely thats something that if prone to chipping, gets put away until they are old enough to appreciate it and be careful with it. I feel like your expectations are a bit off here, young kids chip /damage delicate items all the time thats why melamine plates etc are sold for kids.

Keep at the timer. He needs consistency in expectation. He needs a ‘celebration’ or choice when he has achieved, something positive. If the time set is too long shorten it until he can achieve and let him pick through his interests, what he will spend the time doing. Eventually he will get it.

Hard work, I know ( but certainly better than medication at this early point) but unless he is supported, even in tiny steps, things aren't going to improve.

Well done him for completing 100 piece jigsaw, that is quite difficult at that age. Did he need you? Could he complete an easier, less piece puzzle himself and acheive success?

That sounds tough and I'm sorry to hear about your mum.
My little boy is turning five this month and keeps putting things in his mouth. He's run across a road impulsively, let go of my hand and bolted. Thankfully no cars and a quiet side street. He has no fear, cries a lot about most things and is very particular about food. Don't get me wrong he's so loving but it can be a banging my head against a wall scenario quite a lot. He likes to say mum maybe every fifth second. Often for no reason, I think it soothes him. Teachers haven't mentioned any problems, so I think that is how he is. I appreciate that it is a different kettle of fish dealing with a child who has ADHD. A little boy on our street, who is friends with one of my sons, shows signs of having ADHD, I've watched him not listen to his mum repeatedly telling him not to do things. We had him to stay once and his mum said to send him back round if he was naughty. She meant it. He was a handful but we managed and it really opened my eyes to what it might be like for parents of children with SEN. I have a lot of respect for them. It must be very very hard. I was reading another thread about a mum whose daughter was throwing things out the windows, which hit the neighbor. She was in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD if I remember rightly. My heart went out to her mum.

OP I feel this so much. I have two DC's with quite a big age gap. Me and eldest are diagnosed autism and ADHD and I'm sure the youngest will be soon too. He's five like your boy and just the same.

People mean well but they just don't get it. I've extensive experience with kids of this age and it's not average, it's just relentless. Absolutely soul crushingly draining. I love him to bits but he drives me to the brink.

My eldest was very similar but not quite as off the charts. Youngest is very very clever, sociable and curious, and very very needy of attention. They've both similar energy levels, sensory issues and sleep problems but eldest just wasn't as relentless in the same way. Both very physically needy of me, but youngest is very very verbally needy wanting constant direct attention and interaction. Stuff that worked well on my eldest such as visual charts/timetables, prepping them etc just doesn't work on my youngest.

The toilet thing struck a cord too.
Mines never happy. Every two minutes he has a demand or an interaction need.
I stick it out and make him wait but it doesn't change his behaviour. I have to do it though or I'd be physically and mentally broken. Sometimes I do just sit and insist I won't be moving or chatting for give minutes. While he shouts or demands or fussed or what have you.

Friends and family don't offer to help. His dad is useless. He won't go to childcare, or even to most places and activities were I would go too!

People saying get family to help or put them in kids club. If only! 🙄 When you have a ND/Sen child that's just not always an option. 🤷

Oh and they don't always grow out of it. My eldest is an "adult" now. But when I've got the youngest to finally give in and go to sleep, he will be waiting downstairs to watch Mickey Mouse with me and twirl my hair and tell me about what YouTube merch he wants etc. I can't go out for the day and leave him alone. He can't make me a cup of tea. No one wants to spend time with him and he doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. 😢

Sometimes it's just a bit shit. And it's okay to say so and have people agree rather than minimise.

I wish I had some answers for you op but I don't. I do have a lot of empathy and solidarity though.

I have an 8 year old with ASD who is not a million miles removed from this. I certainly identify with the incessant talking and nothing ever being enough. People with DC who are not wired this way may not get it. It is beyond exhausting, especially when you’re trying to manage the needs of other DC. Mine also fight like cat and dog, which is fun.

Oh yeah, and apparently self care is important and I should be managing my own needs too 😂

I think there is a dopamine angle (mine didn’t meet the threshold for ADHD diagnosis as he doesn’t show signs in school) and a sensory angle. I do believe some children have such a narrow range of tolerance of stuff they struggle to cope with unmet needs like needing a poo immediately/being hungry/the sandwich being cut into squares instead of triangles. If you haven’t had an OT assessment I’d recommend one. I would also recommend taking some time to try to identify triggers and seeing what you can do to defuse them, swerve them or whatever you need for a calmer day, eg if being hangry is a trigger, carry snacks.

Solidarity 🍷, it is exhausting.

@Laundryliar i don't know why got a commemorative trinket bowl for her granddaughter's baptism. I'd ask her but she's lying in a morgue.

I have been to plenty of people's houses and they have things like that in their children's bedrooms. They don't seem to be constantly broken

@CatStoleMyChocolate youve hit the nail on the head there. He struggles with unmet needs.

@LydiaLinus ill have another go at the timer, you're right it won't get better if we don't keep trying. We've tried smaller puzzles but it seems to be the same issue. Unless I'm sitting there... It could be four pieces or 400. His three year old sister is also doing 100 piece so that adds some competition.

The assessor did say very few signs of ADHD but too young to tell but as a few of u have identified Im scared of keep trying different techniques. As you've pointed out I'm just knackered with it. It is relentless. The questioning etc. But then I shout and then feel shit and cuddle him and on it goes.

@TheTwirlyPoos

I'd ask her but she's lying in a morgue.

It must be harder dealing with lively kids when all you want to do is think about your Mum who has just passed away.