12 yo daughter is greedy with sweet foods. What language to use about this?

[CookingApron]

A few recent examples:

• She had some friends round to work on a school project and I heard "Oh my gosh, S, have you finished all my sweets?" And she had. I talked to her about it later but she shrugged and said that they were for everyone to share - which they were but she had taken far more than her share and her friends were miffed.

• We opened a packet of Oreos. She had one. I went out for a couple of hours and when I got back she had finished the whole packet. Her siblings were pissed off because we don't often get them and they wanted some.

• She was at a friend's house and they made cookies. I went to collect her and in the 20 minutes I was chatting to friend's mum she popped into the kitchen three times to get another cookie. I stopped her when I realised it was number 3.

• I took her and a friend to the cinema and snuck in a microwave bag of popcorn for the girls. She pretty much ate the whole bag and her friend had a handful. Then she asked for skittles. I said no. But throughout the film I felt she was more focused on the popcorn than the movie.

• Someone gave us a packet of chocolate mini rolls. There are 4 of us and 5 in the packet. We have all had one. The extra one is sitting in the cupboard. She is obsessed with who is going to have it. She has asked for it several times and been told no. I'm half expecting her to wait for a quiet moment and help herself.

She is going to the cinema with a friend tomorrow and I realised that I am worried about how she will behave about the snacks with her friend's family.

I have tried to talk to her about it like you would anything your child needs a bit of guidance about - in the moment, and without being too heavy handed - but it's not getting through, and I need to have a proper chat with her.

Not sure if it matters, but she is very slim without being underweight.

She's often not that bothered about food. She'll eat something if I put it in front of her, and she likes it. But if she can't be bothered she doesn't. Will say she's not hungry but then ask for an ice cream (obviously the answer is no!)

As a family we eat pretty healthily. She's my youngest and the other two are not like this.

The issue isn’t her eating too many snacks. It’s her taking her share and then everyone else too.

Agree @BobbyBiscuits - I used 'greedy' in my title here but have not used it with dd.

Yes, but the motivator is the sugar.

It could be hormonal OP, so it may be at the moment she isn’t getting enough food through out the day - the key is getting her filled up on proper food rather than junk , so make sure she is getting plenty at meal times and have some easy but hearty snacks available- cheese on toast, hummus and pitta , cooked chicken etc , also let her know it’s ok to have dessert if she fancies it, and my personal tip is get some plainer biscuits in- I find that Oreo type biscuits just sets off the craving for more junk, whereas custard creams, or shortbread etc tend to be satisfying - especially if you can get her to have a glass of milk with them.

I agree about teaching about sharing and manners.

Given she is 12, does she have pocket money and access to a school shop or convenience store, because you need to be aware to the likelihood that she will buy her own sweets and have control over the amount.

If it’s there, it’s tempting. We just don’t buy it, so treats/ snacks are for when we go out. We’ve had issues with fruit, cheese, ham, chocolate, crisps, ice creams anything that can be taken and eaten fast. I’m not a fan of a mandatory dessert /pudding after dinner either. (Unless you are eating out or it’s a special occasion.

I can see you would be concerned she will snaffle whatever it is before anyone else gets to it. 😕
I think I’d be quite blunt too, it doesn’t matter what food item it is, you can’t just wolf it all for yourself? manners generally ? Items aren’t good for you, plus they’re expensive.

Sharing is part of it, but what you describe is addictive behaviour. e.g eating ALL the sweets in the school project group, eating ALL the Oreo biscuits. Ultra processed food is addictive. Stop providing UPF.

I agree with focusing on the issue of sharing /fairness / being thoughtful and also balance/health. You could also be sympathetic, acknowledging it can be hard to stop at a couple of biscuits. I think some of us are just wired like this unfortunately- I am still to this day hyper aware if there are sweet treats at home / in the office - and as a kid I would sometimes sneak cakes/chocolates from the larder (I wasn’t denied, I just wanted more!). I wish it wasn’t the case! It is like a primal urge. Having snack boxes for each kid could work but maybe see if it becomes more of an issue. Hopefully she will grow out of it though!

Well the 3 Oreo's problem is exactly the issue. No one needs an Oreo full stop. They are always a treat. One or three or a whole packet is whatever your definition of "treat" is.
Readily available and treat are, unfortunately both true.

I talk to mine about being healthy. I don’t care if it’s not cool or the done thing, our kids are surrounded by crap and temptation they need to understand you can’t just eat it without limit and stay healthy. 3 biscuits is more than enough, it’s modern life that says it’s acceptable.

In your DD situation I would encourage her to bake the sweet stuff, it slows them down consuming it, and also talk to her about acceptable conduct. I’d not buy Oreo’s again.

My second DD is a total wasp, as am I, and I have had to learn to control it.

She sounds hungry.

Feed her more.

If she was full from 3 square meals a day she wouldn't be able to eat a whole pack of Oreo's.

At 12 hitting puberty she will need more calories than she did before or you need now as an adult.

We have had to have conversations with all our DC about making sure everyone has a fair share of treats (or anything really). That I will ensure there is enough for everyone to have at least one, but it is polite to wait and ask if anyone else wants any left overs before digging in.

Also when serving yourself, only put what you can eat on your plate. Anything left on serving dishes can be used for leftovers, but if it’s been on a plate it goes in the bin which is bad for the planet.

Our Eldest DC is still sugar crazy, and will natter over who is having what. I did say recently, you’ve had yours, it’s none of your business who gets the rest!

That being said, they’ve always asked before taking out of cupboards etc, and will comply (moaning all the way of course) if told, you’ve already had something/it’s nearly a meal time etc.

It’s a difficult balance because they like loads of different vegetables and generally eat well, have great dental hygiene, are very active and don’t have a weight issue.

You need to think about your own negative language around food - you have described her as "greedy" and "gorging"

I think it would be better to focus of sharing and fairness rather than - even inadvertently - convey your disgust at her eating sweet stuff.

Does she suffer PMT? Many get sugar cravings at that time. I also had a DD who used to self medicate her ADHD with sugary stuff.

We have done. To the detriment of everyone else in the household but she’s like it everywhere. Parties, gatherings at friends houses, relatives etc. She will stand by the food and stuff herself until it’s gone unless I stop her and remove the food

She has a sugar addiction, would be my estimate. I was exactly the same at her age and when I'm in a sugar cra,e and compulsively eat sweet stuff until there's nothing left for anyone else. I cannot control it and struggle to moderate sugar. I suggest you gradually reduce the amount of sugar she has access to, subtly. It's a sugar problem.

My son is autistic (high functioning) and has no self control around treats and snacks (though very slim and doesn't overeat overall). It's more like an addiction with him. So I have to give him rules e.g don't take a second one unless you're sure everyone has had first helping and then ask first if it's okay first etc.

Could you talk to her about how addictive sugar is? That avoids any shame or discussion of weight

• Someone gave us a packet of chocolate mini rolls. There are 4 of us and 5 in the packet. We have all had one. The extra one is sitting in the cupboard. She is obsessed with who is going to have it. She has asked for it several times and been told no. I'm half expecting her to wait for a quiet moment and help herself.

This is really weird and doesn't sound like like behaviour from you. Why are you not being upfront about what's happening to it (eg just splitting it in the moment)? Why's it been put away? Sounds like you're trying to test her and make her fail. It's just a mini roll, get over it and either let her share with her sibling or just have it.

Similarly, how on earth do you know she was more into the popcorn than the film? A really odd comment. And so what if she was? Maybe the film was shit.

Sounds like you're making sweet treats into a real big deal by being controlling and restrictive, so no wonder she makes the most of things when she can. Yes, make clear what the fair share is if you need to but otherwise just chill out about it and this will turn into a non issue. I can't imagine living in a situation where someone was policing my snacks this intently!

Hallelujah! I write as the parent of a DD(16) who has such addictive compulsions to seek out sugar that her DD2(8) and I have to hide our rare treats in the washing machine, and even then, DD1 will hunt them down. There is no place that DD1 will not ransack in our house for additional treats (ie my knicker drawer/the under-sink cleaning products cupboard). Honestly, the lucky people who parent eat-to-live children with normal responses to food, particularly sugar and carbohydrates, can’t really understand the addiction here. My DD1 is probably five feet tall and is a size 18 at age 16. I am terrified for her future health, particularly as she has a rare autoimmune disease which relies on her staying a healthy weight for stabilisation. I have to hide my bank cards so she can’t steal them to fund her regular binges and I cannot keep any cash in my home.

@CookingApron good, I'm glad. She doesn't have weight issues, and you don't want to make her paranoid about food. Teens do adore sugar, I don't think it's abnormal.
Mostly they grow out of it. Just supply plenty of fruit, yoghurt, cereal etc for her to snack on.

Woah, you made me worry about my own kid as it sounds so similar to her behaviour.

I just think it's normal, I was like that and am still a bit, what can I say, girls love sweet stuff. Ha ha!

I don't think you should write it all out though, kind of sad. Just tell her to stop eating so much sweet stuff as it's not good for her.

Have you given her any education about the effects of sugar on the body? How the brain responds to glucose? The importance of ensuring sweets are not eaten on an empty stomach. How sugar is converted into fat is not used for energy? Effects of sugar on the teeth? Sugar cravings, sugar crash, benefits of eating fibre and protein. Have you shown her recommended portion sizes on food products and how to use the information to see if an item is high or low in sugar?

She sounds like me at that age...has she yet to start her periods? I was very slim and around age 12 had a drive to consume high sugar, high calorie foods in the weeks leading up to my first period and beyond.

It was like my body was telling me I had to get to a set weight but I wasn't brilliant at eating regular meals.

I've been similar since in terms of a sweet tooth but have always been slim with BMI of 18-20 despite that (some 30 years later), so it's not necessarily going to cause a weight issue.

I would focus on the sharing aspect of this rather than anything else and if her weight is not an issue and she continues to be 'very slim' make calorie-rich healthy options are available... Full fat greek yogurt, cheese, nuts etc

I don’t understand about your daughter’s obsession, OP — and that’s what it sounds like: an obsession.
My mum kept biscuits, crisps, candy, ice cream - you name it. If there was junk to be had, it was in our house.
And since it was readily available, none of us really went after it. Oh, sure, we’d partake, but nothing out of the ordinary.
I’ve read on here about “treat boxes,” where mums fix up a treat box for each child for the week and when those treats are gone - they’re gone. Evidently, they’re supposed to teach self control and regulation, or something similar.
Maybe something like that would be helpful.
Wishing you good luck.

That sounds really hard to manage. Sending sympathies and strength.