12 yo daughter is greedy with sweet foods. What language to use about this?

[CookingApron]

A few recent examples:

• She had some friends round to work on a school project and I heard "Oh my gosh, S, have you finished all my sweets?" And she had. I talked to her about it later but she shrugged and said that they were for everyone to share - which they were but she had taken far more than her share and her friends were miffed.

• We opened a packet of Oreos. She had one. I went out for a couple of hours and when I got back she had finished the whole packet. Her siblings were pissed off because we don't often get them and they wanted some.

• She was at a friend's house and they made cookies. I went to collect her and in the 20 minutes I was chatting to friend's mum she popped into the kitchen three times to get another cookie. I stopped her when I realised it was number 3.

• I took her and a friend to the cinema and snuck in a microwave bag of popcorn for the girls. She pretty much ate the whole bag and her friend had a handful. Then she asked for skittles. I said no. But throughout the film I felt she was more focused on the popcorn than the movie.

• Someone gave us a packet of chocolate mini rolls. There are 4 of us and 5 in the packet. We have all had one. The extra one is sitting in the cupboard. She is obsessed with who is going to have it. She has asked for it several times and been told no. I'm half expecting her to wait for a quiet moment and help herself.

She is going to the cinema with a friend tomorrow and I realised that I am worried about how she will behave about the snacks with her friend's family.

I have tried to talk to her about it like you would anything your child needs a bit of guidance about - in the moment, and without being too heavy handed - but it's not getting through, and I need to have a proper chat with her.

Not sure if it matters, but she is very slim without being underweight.

She's often not that bothered about food. She'll eat something if I put it in front of her, and she likes it. But if she can't be bothered she doesn't. Will say she's not hungry but then ask for an ice cream (obviously the answer is no!)

As a family we eat pretty healthily. She's my youngest and the other two are not like this.

No advice but she sounds exactly like my 10yo. Except she’s like it with crisps as well. Basically any snacks. She’s also now bordering overweight. It’s becoming a real issue tbh and I don’t know what to do about it

This sounds normal to me OP. Your focus on it seems a lot though.....

I think she needs to learn about what food will be shared, eg if you have a packet of biscuits for the family, that’s to be shared. But otherwise I can’t see any massive issues.

I don't think that eating a whole packet of Oreos in one sitting is normal - especially not when they are family food for everyone to share.

Stop buying snacks and crisps?

Given half of children are overweight by 16 I would say OP’s concerns are justified

Yes, I think your focus on this is more problematic than her greed for junk.

Has she started her periods? Could be the hormones triggering her sugar cravings.

Stick to health discussions not weight or looks. It's tricky as at a slim 12 she's unlikely to feel anything detrimental for a few years.

Our family do not have the metabolism to gorge on unhealthy foods and remain healthy. I do worry about how these habits may affect her weight as she gets older. Surely it's not a bad thing to teach a 12 year old that you do not help yourself to more than your fair share of sweet foods?

The OP has said her DD is very slim.

Since it seems to be a case of gobbling up too many sharing snacks, could you focus on polite behaviour in company rather than actual greediness?

I think you need to be quite blunt. Say you’ve noticed she isn’t sharing the snacks fairly at home and with friends and she needs to be careful because her friends and siblings will get cross with her. If she can’t share fairly then unfortunately she won’t be able to have the snacks.

at the cinema, well in our local one, you can get kids treat boxes which work out quite good value. You get popcorn, drink and magic stars for about £4 ish. It might be best if they each have their own box at the cinema, maybe you could give her the money for it.

Yes, this is a good approach. Thank you for this suggestion.

Yes politeness and the cost of non necessary junk.

When she takes more than her fair share (like with the Oreos) does she face any consequences?

For now. She also has teeth which can rot and a lot of scary stuff is coming out about overeating UPFs.

The consequence of the Oreos was her siblings being cross with her.

I would take it more down the line of when you're in a group and you're sharing food, how do you work out what portion size will be yours. I'd also send her in with her own snacks that she can eat and then know she's finished.

Are sweet treats a real novelty in your house? Sometimes that can in a way become counter product as they're attached with the happy emotions that go along with the concept of a 'treat '.

I'd focus on it being unfair on other people and likening it to hogging anything else. I'd also be talking about how too much sugar is not good for our bodies and our teeth. Talking about it in terms of weight is no good. She'll either not be able to relate to that as she's young and slim, or she'll feel shame and you'll create a complex.

My son was similar at that age. I took to hiding things so his siblings didn’t miss out. He’s 15 now and has been much better for about 18 months, he basically grew out of it.

I think it seems like the primary issue is sharing, the food issue is almost a byproduct of that. As in it’s not necessarily that she wants to eat all the sweets in that moment but rather that she feels if she doesn’t then someone else will and so she wouldn’t be able to go back to it, same with the popcorn, same with the oreo’s. Could be an idea (knowing that she struggles with this) to maybe have separate snack boxes for each person? My mum used to do this for me and my sister so each day there would be a little box for each of us with some crisps, fruit, some chocolate/couple of biscuits etc and once they were gone they were gone, it helps you learn to pace yourself but it also means she knows that is HER box, if she doesn’t eat something that day it will still be there tomorrow.

I have to say that you really must avoid using language like 'greedy'. I think it can be quite upsetting. I was called greedy as a child and it was one of the triggers to my life long ED.
Definitely focus on sharing. It's not about food, but you don't take more than your share of things.
If she's slim, do you think she might need extra calories? Could you give her more healthy stuff like crudities and hummus etc. or if she's obsessed with sweet stuff then buy her her own stash of fruit to keep in her room?

I was rounded upon in a thread I posted yesterday because I denied my 8 year old a third (large, home -made) cookie then he took it anyway and lied about it. Apparently it’s not a surprise he lied because three cookies is no big deal and I was turning it into a drama. No wonder people are obese.

Eating entire packets of biscuits is a terrible habit to get into, no wonder you’re concerned, but some of this from your daughter’s perspective might be the normalisation in social media (particularly American social media) of eating huge donuts, pints of ice cream, Oreos galore. I wonder if talking to her about how the ingredients in snack foods trick your brain into not feeling full and wanting more, and listening to something like the Tulleken brothers’ podcast on Ultra Processed food might help? To explain it’s not her fault, it’s chemistry and biology?

To be honest she should have had to replace the Oreo's from her own money and not have had any of the next packet.

Focus on the selfishness rather than greed.

You hit upon an important point @TimeandMotion . There is so much information and angst about food these days that even adults can't agree if three cookies is completely normal or completely over the top. Personally, I'm with you. I think three cookies is too much, unnecessary, and a bad habit to get into. But as per your thread and mine, plenty of people think it's no big deal - so how can we expect our children to develop healthy habits amid all these contradictory messages?