Do you have a village/support to raise children?

[pollypocketss]

As the saying goes, you need a village to raise children.

How many children do you have and what is your support system like?

Do you think this support system is more needed now that women work and are expected to juggle everything?

My village is full time nursery who are really really helpful and go above and beyond (and there's a price to it!), and a school with excellent wrap around care provision. I work full time. I think if you don't have family, your village has to be paid for and I am fortunate to have such good provision.

Not really. Because of being an ND family nursery didn't work out well and then school just ain't an option either, can't really pay for a village because a nanny is far too expensive.

3 children. Newborn - 5

We have 3 boys, two with asd and adhd. We had no village and fuck all support. None from either side, no babysitting, not even a fucking phone call when I was having breakdowns from getting them ehcps. Am I bitter? Yes. Would I do the same when my children have children? Absolutely not!

No.

The nearest we came was when the DC had a childminder.

DD1 is autistic. Having a disabled child seems to result in social isolation.

@LoveSandbanks here here! I've got grandparents going on about how much support they had while we get none

yes luckily my parents in law. But also I have a husband who is an equal parent - which should be expected, I'm not going say I am 'lucky'. Women shouldn't be expected to juggle everything if they work - childcare and housework are divided in relation to our respective working hours.

People on Mumsnet often seem to be moving away from a place where they have friends and acquaintances, as if community doesn't matter.
People don't seem to see the value of a local sense of community.

I have one child. We have grandparents for dire emergencies. They looked after DD recently when we knew we'd be at a car shop all day testing cars and making a purchase.

Cinema, evenings out, weekends away? Not a chance. We don't have childcare for anything 'fun' because they didn't (although my grandparents looked after us 5 days a week when i was little for work).

We have 2 babysitters. A fantastic one who can usually do Saturday or sundays but not friday nights who is amazing where DD screams with excitement when she sees her and a second who is a local girl who fills the gaps and we try and get her to come when DD is already asleep so about 7pm.

She is in nursery 3 days a week too.

Other grandparents will also have her in dire emergencies but not social and not overnight

No Village here, just Me and DH. In-laws aren't interested, my Parents are elderly.
Saying that, we have found the most fantastic 'village' for our 4 DCs with other School Parents and Friends we've made along the way, DCs Pre-Schools and now Primary Schools are full of some amazing people who have supported us endlessly. If we ever want some time together we hire a Babysitter

It's just DH and I and any paid childcare, which has worked fine for us. We are London-based and don't have a network of friends with dc and our parents live abroad. I'm a sahm and DH can wfh and take time off at short notice. We've never encountered any situations where we could need anyone else supporting us. Our dc almost never get ill enough to need to stay home and same for me and DH.

We have used paid childcare like nursery hours from age 2, summer camps for school aged dc in holidays, and after school extracurriculars and after school childcare. Expensive but we choose them so they can do hobbies not just childcare, so the dc enjoy being there and being with friends.

3, no family. Just myself and husband.
school with wrap around/used to be ft nursery.
babysitter for nights out.
weddings or other child free events only one of us attends. It’s tough but we are used to it now. We both work full time.

2 kids, 9 and 1.

Amazing support system of my parents who look after my DD1 3 days a week plus do 3 school drop offs and up to 5 school pickups a week.

Plus social when we need them to (very rare but we know we can rely on them).

Not sure we'd cope without them. Well of course we would, but it would be bloody hard.

I hope to be able to do the same for both my parents and my kids as needed.

My in-laws are a fucking waste of space.

1 dc and lots of family support. This could be for school pick ups, sick day cover, dog care or overnight stays. I also return the favour by looking after nieces and nephews.

@CherrySocks but MNers are also often being told to move somewhere they can better afford housing. If you grew up somewhere house prices have sky rocketed then you don't have much choice but to leave.

2 children, mother in law can & is very willing to help if we really need it e.g. when I gave birth to DC2 but needs notice & a lift so we need to plan ahead. My parents are too elderly to offer much support (although they'd be willing if they were able). We use paid childcare during the day and don't go out in the evening. Whilst I've made friends with other mums (sort of) they are already in their own tight friendship groups (I didn't grow up here) and they are busy with their own lives anyway so I generally wouldn't ask. I wouldn't say that I have a village but its ok.

I don’t ‘juggle’ any more than DH does. I was very clear that if he wanted a child, I wasn’t going to be the one stepping back from my career, so he needed to be upfront about exactly how he was going to handle drop offs, pick ups etc. In practice, we’re even these days. It helped that we have one child by choice and had him late, so we were both senior enough to have a lot of flexibility in our diaries.

We had DS in another country to both our families, and moved away from our friends to another part of that country when DS was six months, so all childcare was paid for from the moment I returned after maternity leave. Over time, we did build a network of other parents in the village who were neighbours with children in DS’s class who could have grabbed him from afterschool in an emergency.

Then we moved countries just before Covid hit, so started again, and eventually made a nice network, though not a very local one, because DS is at a city-centre school where lots of children attend from a distance because their parents work at the nearby hospital and university. We now have family closer by also, though at 12, DS is past the childcare stage.

I would disagree with @CherrySocks that moving means you don’t see the value of ‘community’. It means you believe in your own capacity to build your ‘village’ anew when and where you need to, and that ‘community’ doesn’t mean ‘having to stay in the same place forever’ or ‘dropping anyone who isn’t of immediate use because you now live elsewhere’ . We visited our old village last year, DS is still in touch with his old friends from there on SM, we’ve met some of our friends from there at big events and had them to stay here, and we’re going on holiday this year with friends we last lived in the same place as in 2000, three relocations ago. It’s also good to model for a child not to be afraid to move, that friendships can survive distance, and that you can make new ones too.

We definitely do not have a village. Very limited involvement from MIL and I am NC with my family. We have no family help. But we do have is a close relationship where we are both very involved as parents. We have been fortunate to create a life where one or both of us is always around to do the school runs or dentist appointments or homework. It’s not just me doing everything because I have a vagina.

Dc do have lovely friends and we live in a small village where everyone knows everyone, and we can help each other with car sharing to activities and collecting them from school if there was an emergency.

Otherwise, it’s Dh and I being fully present that makes a difference.

None. Two kids.

Yes, that last point is key.

I never felt the need for a village (though we've always lived in one) or much support to raise my dc tbh. I have two dc, now mid and late teens. We lived an hour from grandparents when our dc were little (occasionally looked after dc but not on a regular basis), but moved 4hrs away when youngest was 6. I worked part time once dc were born and dh and I were both teachers (I still am), so we all had school holidays together, with no childcare issues.

2 children.

Live nearby to my sister, her DP and 2 kids and my parents. Loads of support from them and I provide support in return.

Plus have various friends locally who would help out in an emergency too.

And yet social housing tenants are always being told that their tenancies should only last a few years. People cant have it both ways Maybe people should be a bit more careful what they wish for

I have a village. It's made up from all the people (family and friends) who I have helped during my teens/twenties and easier child free years.

So the older sibling/cousin I babysat for is happy to help me out. The neighbours I've taken parcels in for, dropped to the airport or picked up shopping for during Covid are happy to help out.

If you want a village, invest in it! You'll get the village you deserve.

A sense of entitlement isn't a village.

1 child and it’s just me and DH in any practical sense. My parents aren’t local, they provide financial backup but can’t do anything practically. MIL is overseas and FIL is dead.

We haven’t had a night out since DD born (nearly 5) which doesn’t bother us but is indicative of what it’s like.

We both have understanding employers and generous holiday. DH is full time working at home and I’m hybrid.

No village here!

No support. No friends, and only 2 family members with no interest.
If you have support you are very lucky.