Terrible parenting day - how do I make this better?

[Rebecca88R]

Not a great performance from me today. I've been ill for a few days and my DH is away for the weekend. I wanted to give the message "it's fine, no worries!" when it comes to looking after my three boys (5,2.5 and 2.5) solo but in reality it feels like
the whole day has spiralled.

They just will not listen to me and stop doing dangerous stuff and i find it so stressful. The twins are just so clumsy and bowl around randomly hurting themselves on hard surfaces. One got a black eye from a climbing frame bar today. If they aren't hurting themselves they are bonking each other on the head or snatching toys.

They won't listen to any warning about not doing dangerous things. They play on the stairs and their older brother eggs them on. One got his foot stuck down the back the sofa climbing onto the windowsill, which I've repeatedly told him not to do. The other swung off the curtains. I gave them some new costumes (gifts from grandparents) and within an hour one of them had smacked a toy walkie talkie against the wall so hard the batteries exploded.

Nap time - no go, they've recently had their cot sides off and won't stay in bed. We put baby gates up to keep them safe and contained and they managed to get their finger stuck in one. Bedtime - same deal, kept getting out of bed despite being exhausted. I've lost my temper with them several times today, and at bedtime yelled "get into bed and stay there" so loudly my throat is now sore. It worked, and within minutes they were asleep, but obviously I feel terrible about it.

In summary, five years in and I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing! I used to be a calm person. I work full time and only spend full days with my children on the weekends. I want to have a nice time but too often it just feels like such a fight. What's the secret? I know I'm feeling particularly drained because I've not been well, but I feel like I've totally run out of juice and I don't know how to make this life sustainable. And now I just feel really guilty for not being a better parent.

Any thoughts/tips appreciated

wow! you are AWESOME! respect! a 5 year old an two two year olds single handed! I take my hat off to you💐

Put the cot sides back on. Don’t make things more difficult for yourself.

no, don't. They are old enough to climb over and fall

Just be as consistent as you can. Follow through. Divide and conquer. And remember, then won't remember being shouted at for climbing sofas in 10 years time- don't feel guilty for being shouty or too firm. Or not firm enough. You just have to survive long enough to get them all to school. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

My advice would be to sit down with a nice glass of wine, and congratulate yourself that everyone is fed

Well done for getting through the day OP! I have one 20mth old and his tantrums of late have been frustrating! For you to have 3 boys - I salute you. Be kind to yourself tonight and start tomorrow off with a fresh slate. Hope it’s not like today - but if it is - you’ve done it before you can do it again!

Oh that sounds exhausting! Honestly we've all had moments where we've been too shouty and judge ourselves. Can you try to turn your 5yo into an ally? Lots of praise when he does sensible things, 'oh you're such a big boy showing the twins how to walk down the street nicely' etc so that he's not egging them on?

@Rebecca88R They're all safe, fed and fast asleep in Bed. You absolutely smashed today in my opinion 👏
Tomorrow is a new day and all that shizz.. and they won't remember a thing about today! You should relax and forget all about it too

Do NOT beat yourself up! Children of this age (particularly more than 1 as they fight/squabble/snatch and double the patience is needed) can literally push you to the brink of insanity. I have 2 and feel this way so hats off to you for managing 3!

I was saying similar to DP this afternoon - I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old and they’re either hyping each other or up or falling out and screaming/crying, I feel like I intercept about 50 near misses a day, and my arse never touches a chair for more than 30 seconds before I have to leap up to intervene because one of them is doing something silly.

I took them to a cafe this morning and DD continually whinged while DS threw an epic tantrum as he wanted to walk around the patio, which wasn’t practical as there was a road right next to it plus other hazards. All I wanted to do was drink my coffee but I spent most of it wrangling DS and ordering DD to be quiet and drink her drink. Then went to a very noisy kids party, got home and while they were messing around DS threw a ball which knocked my (very hot) cup of tea and I lost it! Shouted at them to play nicely as I’m sick of having to jump up every 20 seconds.

No answers, only sympathy. I honestly wonder if mums with older children who say they ‘miss the toddler/small child years’ really remember what it’s like tbh

I ended up putting one twin in the bath to sleep and sitting on the landing to keep them apart.

Recruit your 5 yr old. He can be an awesome help. Treat him like a sensible boy who can responsibly show the little ones how to be and help keep them safe. Find ways to reward him for being sensible and helpful.

It will get better. But it’s really hard right now. I childproofed what I could do they couldn’t hurt themselves much. Make sure your blind strings aren’t accessible.

Also, top tip. Anything used to hurt anyone else is taken away. So bill hits Bob with a car- you gasp in horror and using a deep alarmed voice take the toy and put it in cupboard so no one can hurt anyone again. Do that a few times and they’ll stop hurting each other as their toys disappear.

I will also add this is why I get a bit sarcastic when people suggest small kids ‘potter at home with toys, do a bit of messy play’. My kids do NOT potter, they run about, climb on things, empty toy boxes before wandering off, constantly go looking for food, empty the bottom of the pram, shove things like the remote in places I can’t find it… it’s fucking chaos which is why we spend as little time at home as possible.

Another crappy day here and I only have one dc and my husband is home helping too! You sound like a saint to me!

Honestly you are awesome, you have three tiny ones, everyone is still alive, fed and asleep - well done you. It sounds really hard and I think you should cut yourself a massive amount of slack for this supposed bad parenting you have done. If you want to pick one of them off, I would try getting the five year old on side as the older sibling to help with the little ones. Alternatively - do you have a garden? Everyone outside to tear around madly until exhausted. I don't know how she did it, but my sister somehow managed to enforce 'rest play' with her kids, which was where they had to spend some quiet time in their room, even if they weren't sleeping (that may not work if your twins share). Also, screens, don't be a martyr about not using screens if its going to save your sanity.

The bath that made me chuckle! I'm wondering whether to just ignore all their bedtime running around as if I turn up to put them back in bed they seem to think it's a hilarious game. I think I need to try boring them to sleep, maybe...

To be fair my 5 year old is generally awesome, he's getting a lot of independence now and I can rely on him to hold hands with a twin in car parks, etc. It's just he occasionally gets in a bit of a silly mood and takes it too far, but then again he's a five year old boy.

Deep breaths...tomorrow is a trip to a national trust property. At least lunch will be out of the house so it's one less mess to clean up...!

Yes, all of this, often in totally self-sabotaging ways.

Im convinced I was one of those "gentle pottering" toddlers though! I've pretty much never been in trouble my whole life 🤣

I'll just sit with you for a bit. I have three boys too, 4, 2 and a newborn.

This was such a perfect description of my 21 month old I couldn't stop laughing 🤣 if only they could just potter about nicely😏

Oh, I hope you're getting on ok. Combining a newborn with a 2 year old must be so tough.

Urgh. So much solidarity. I have a 3yo and a 7 mth old and I am in the trenches. The other day my toddler woke up at 4am upset and woke the baby up. I can’t get them both bk to sleep at the same time because each of them howls unless they have my full attention so then the other one (who is otherwise content, because they have my full attention) won’t sleep because the other one is howling. So we all got up at 4am. (My OH was away rather then me being a single parent - those people deserve knighthoods)

The 'secret' in my experience (but I only had the 5 and just one 2.5 year old!) is boring, consistent but rigidly enforced boundaries and consequences.

Seems to be less and less popular then people wonder why they can't cope / why kids won't listen to them.

They need to know that if you say stop, and they carry on, that something they really don't like will happen. And it will happen every time. So eventually, they realise it's not worth it and they start to listen.

Gentle parenting can go too far and becomes pointless parenting.

When you really yelled, they didn't like it so the behaviour stopped. Obviously yelling all the time isn't what you want - I would warn calmly "I don't think you cab hear me as you're still messing about so I'm going to have to shout if you wont do xyZ so you can hear me". wont work for the toddlers but should work for 5.

At 2.5 I would take mine for a time out so play was interrupted for a couple of minutes. They didn't like that!!

I could lie and tell you I'm fine or I could tell you the truth and say I'm resisting banging my head against a wall daily 😂
My newborn just wants to be on my boob 24/7 so splitting the time with the older two is difficult. But I've learned now these phases go by so quickly and I'll be settled in routine in no time.

That sounds like a pretty horrendous day!! Well done for getting through it.
The other problem is that it's so BORING too.
Hope your partner is back tomorrow- safety in numbers!!

PS the swinging off the curtains did conjure up an amusing vision. Like something out of a cartoon!
Though I'm sure it wasn't funny at the time - I can't even begin to imagine the stress of it all.

and at bedtime yelled "get into bed and stay there" so loudly my throat is now sore. It worked, and within minutes they were asleep, but obviously I feel terrible about it.

Don't feel terrible at all. You're human. And it worked! Well done.

No advice but solidarity. Partner is away so had my 4yo and 1yo alone last night and today. Neither slept well, we all got up at 5am and I was very much a grouchy shouty mum today. Hate it as I’ll then feel so guilty when back to work next week when I hardly see them.