Terrible parenting day - how do I make this better?

[Rebecca88R]

Not a great performance from me today. I've been ill for a few days and my DH is away for the weekend. I wanted to give the message "it's fine, no worries!" when it comes to looking after my three boys (5,2.5 and 2.5) solo but in reality it feels like
the whole day has spiralled.

They just will not listen to me and stop doing dangerous stuff and i find it so stressful. The twins are just so clumsy and bowl around randomly hurting themselves on hard surfaces. One got a black eye from a climbing frame bar today. If they aren't hurting themselves they are bonking each other on the head or snatching toys.

They won't listen to any warning about not doing dangerous things. They play on the stairs and their older brother eggs them on. One got his foot stuck down the back the sofa climbing onto the windowsill, which I've repeatedly told him not to do. The other swung off the curtains. I gave them some new costumes (gifts from grandparents) and within an hour one of them had smacked a toy walkie talkie against the wall so hard the batteries exploded.

Nap time - no go, they've recently had their cot sides off and won't stay in bed. We put baby gates up to keep them safe and contained and they managed to get their finger stuck in one. Bedtime - same deal, kept getting out of bed despite being exhausted. I've lost my temper with them several times today, and at bedtime yelled "get into bed and stay there" so loudly my throat is now sore. It worked, and within minutes they were asleep, but obviously I feel terrible about it.

In summary, five years in and I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing! I used to be a calm person. I work full time and only spend full days with my children on the weekends. I want to have a nice time but too often it just feels like such a fight. What's the secret? I know I'm feeling particularly drained because I've not been well, but I feel like I've totally run out of juice and I don't know how to make this life sustainable. And now I just feel really guilty for not being a better parent.

Any thoughts/tips appreciated

Hat off to you. Sounds like a success OP. All safe, all fed. Job done.
Mine emptied the arts and crafts box today while I was cooking. Part of the contents now under the sofa, which I hate. Also scissors left out three times by the older one. Then found by the 4 year old. Thankfully the final time he brought them to me. He wanted to undress for bedtime at the top of the stairs, nice and safe, not.
He's also coloured his entire hand in red felt tip pen but he's eaten all his dinner, so that's a plus.
I count down to mummy alone time, which is now 🎉

Do you have a garden?

So much less stressful than having them in the house!

Amazing that they're all playing together!

My approach is that I childproofed the house and let them play, even if it's rambunctious and a bit 'risky' (but not truly dangerous) and I don't get involved!

BUT if for some reason I say NO don't do that, I only say it once, if they continue then the thing gets removed or the child gets removed. That's it.

I know that if I have to repeat myself that a) they weren't going to listen anyway and b) i'll end up shouting. So once it is.

You sound like you're doing a great job! And honestly the bedtime strategy worked so, congrats! No one's going to be scarred for life - promise!

I used to wish I owned a paddock. With very high fences.

It's been like that in our house the past few weeks so you have my sympathy. 2.5 and a nearly 4 y/o both boys. They wrestle from the moment they wake up and egg each other on to wind me up. DH has been away so riding solo working full time. Really look forward to spending the weekends with them but as soon as we get back home it kicks off.

No real advice, be consistent and follow through with what you threaten. I find giving one a time out calms the situation for a bit. It usually takes one of them getting hurt for them to settle.

First you could do with some help friends family even paid if you can Remember Super Nanny? Seriously no wonder you are ill and kids take advantage of weakness. Dangerous behaviour though they need diversion Younger ones pen them indoors give them anything that makes noise interactively and make an area that they can play in garden preferably with anything you have handy. They love water at this age water tables sand tables you just need to watch them Paint mats anything that makes mess in a cleanable area. Older child I get my grand children to clean bikes toys in the garden they love it especially with a hose only for the brave.Music dancing wears them out have a competition Football get a goal. They need wearing out before they do it to you. And do not feel guilty or a bad parent these things I do with my grandkids not so great as a parent mine were fighting non stop so badly I swore at them They could not entertain themselves. Making food is also a diversion packet cakes and pizzas good .

Ah love it's bloody tough. And five times worse when ill.

You made it through to the end of the day. Have some wine 🍷 and chocolate 🍫

Tomorrow is a new day and all that stuff. Go out, far away from toy boxes, curtains and craft materials. Find a large garden area tomorrow, give them some balls and make them run around. A lot.

When you get home find a clear plastic box and write TOY PRISON on it. Make sure you can put it up high out of reach. Whenever they do something dangerous/hit each other etc take the favourite toy/offending article away and put it in prison. They can win it back with good behaviour.

When toy prison is full threaten to get black bags out and move all toys to the garage 😂

I'm a single mum of twins not much older and a older child around the same age as your eldest

To be honest I just tell myself tomorrow is another day - I mean I wake everyday with the best of intentions but invariably it ends up being a shit show (I work full time too and I know I feel the pressure to enjoy them on a weekend when it's far from enjoyable 😂)

I take the little wins - it's a good day if I've managed to get a couple of jobs done or gone out the 4 of us to the park or another activity and all come back in one piece

Don't sweat the small stuff - or try at least

And wine and chocolate for when they eventually go to bed

I have a stinking cold. I yelled at my two boys today in a car park as they just would. It listen and were wandering off.

Part is the stress - they don't see the dangers.

Tomorrow is another day

I will echo what a few PP's have mentioned. When you warn your kids that there will be a consequence for a continued behaviour, follow through no matter what. My kids are adults now, but when they were little they knew if I said something, I meant it. I would warn them once and that was it. Immediate consequences. It really does work.

@MotherofWagonWheels yes we have a garden, they do enjoy being out in it. Need to get more play stuff though, we were hoping to get a decent slide/playbouse/climbing frame thing this summer but the ground needs levelling and it's just not happened yet!

I think you're right, I'll try a "say it once" policy. I'm I think holding back from dishing out consequences sometimes to avoid angry double toddler tantrums - but obviously that just makes it worse further down the line 🫤

Well I for one, take my hat off to you! I think it sounds like you were amazing!
Hoping you feel better today though but please don't be too hard on yourself.
Hopefully if your DH comes home at some point today, encourage the boys to give daddy a big hug and then make a run for it!!! 🤣

Well done you absolute supermum. They don’t talk about it taking a village for nothing, parenting is bloody hard and to be doing it solo is almost impossible with more than 1 kid. We’re not meant to be bringing up kids on our own and in silos… can you meet up with another friend with kids or better still some grandparents today to share the load? I’ve had to do this with my two recently at the weekend while my hubbie has been ill, otherwise I just cannot cope. I’ve got friends who do it all the time solo but I can’t. I also work full time and weekends at the only time I have with them. I think it also depends on the kids. Defo call in some external help if you can. Godspeed

Love this thread - well done@Rebecca88R! I had a shit day with my 5yo and 3yo yesterday because I felt ill, but at the end of the day, they were both fed, happy and alive at the end of the day, so 🤷‍♀️

boundaries and consequences help with our ‘rumbunctiousness’. I do countdowns from 5 if they’re being unreasonable and if they don’t stop it, they go to sit on the stairs until they’re prepared to say sorry (and for what). It’s never failed, although my particularly stubborn 5yo has occasionally sat on the stairs for a very long time 😅

I also have never experienced a ‘pottering’ day, except with my eldest (9 - girl - SO EASY in comparison). With these 2, getting them out - to woods, to parks, to the beach - is always always easier. It stimulates them, I don’t have to give as much input, gives them a great appetite and then the 3yo has a nap while the 5yo gets iPad time and Mummy has quiet time! Good luck today - we’re off to the woods to find pixies 🤞

Agree that with 2.5yo's in the mix, made up consequences are still a bit pointless. Just removing the issue/item/child is it's own consequence.

Best not to do anything to 'avoid' meltdowns as it puts you in a weak position. Once I stopped fearing meltdowns, I could parent much more authoritatively and they could definitely sense that I really meant what I was saying.

I learnt so much from Janet Lansbury's books and podcasts about how to deal with the tantrums and lots of other parenting stuff as well. She's great!

I watched a clip that said when boys get together take the highest IQ and divide it by the number of boys present and then you get the IQ for the day and it's been very true in my experience!

They go out of their way to hype each other up to do the most dangerous stupid things and it's just constant wildness, no one ever sits down and I spend my entire life saying "what exactly was going through your head to try this?". They need safe spaces to play and climb, be that soft play or an enclosed park (though a bit trickier because you need one with things for different ages). I think making your garden a safe space for them to do crazy things safely would really benefit you in the future, you can sit on the patio with a nice hot beverage and watch them be busy.

Also if you have a friend going through the same stage pair up and get through the harder days together. I love when I'm with a good friend and can nip to the toilet knowing that I won't need to go to A+E on my return.

Dont feel too bad about raised voices and shouty moments. My 4 dc are all adults now and we often sit around and they recall... "remember when mum would lose it and shout- pack that in right now! And we'd all stop drop and flee"... they howl with laughter because they also remember getting a little treat within a few hours, or me hugging them all and telling them I love them soooo bloody much. Seeing mum as a human with emotions is healthy. You dont have to be perfect all of the time or at all tbh. They grow and realise how much you loved them so much more than your shouty moments. Which, for us, have become fond memories of a fallable mom who loved and sometimes lost it

Hard hard identify. We have a nearly five year old and twins who are just under three. One of our twins is ASD and the light of our lives but sensory seeking, mostly where the sensation is climbing like a treefrog and jumping off things.

I found a tiny softplay in the back of a leisure centre in the end. They go round and round and round and round and then fall over like puppies. The trick is the very fine judgement between good tired and will go to sleep tired, in which case game over, parent loses.

Mainly though we just live for the twins being four, which exists in our heads as an unbelievable far off nirvana.

Don’t be hard on your self. We’ve all had days like that, and if you’ve been poorly, you're not running on full strength.

Thanks all, this really lifted my spirits yesterday. I'd send thanks, but apparently the app doesn't have the thank button?!

Anyway, thanks!