Do you know someone who didn't change when they had a kid?

[clottedcremer]

So what I mean is someone or a couple who has more or less stayed as they were, but their kid just joins in with what they're doing.
So my friend has a 3 year old, and her and her Husband have never really dived into the "family" life, they have kept their childless friends, and they spend most of their time with these people, the 3yo will either go along or will be looked after but GPs etc.

When we had kids, we really immersed ourselves in it, we did NCT, we've stayed in touch with the group years on, our friends have become 'friends with kids', and we rarely spend a weekend away from them.

I wouldn't want to be like my friend, and hence never chose to be this way. But I'm starting to wonder, does this make a happier life? For everyone?

I’d say we are somewhere in the middle. I did child focused activities but also went out at night with my mates occasionally.
When kids are young they are quite portable but I found it harder to maintain some older friendships as we have weekend sports etc now, plus have moved farther away.
I still try to see my older friends, some of whom are childless, a few times a year because I value their friendship and company.

Once you have teenagers you have more free time again so I am glad I didn’t lose all my friendships.

I think it's a bit sad to drop friends just because they don't have children. I don't think it's anything to do with having outside help. It sounds a bit cliquey.

Eh? What a stupid notion that you can't have both. I didn't change that much. I didn't dump any friends. I didn't lose 'me'. But I immersed myself into family life entirely aswell.

Yeah I’m curious about this and it’s been discussed a lot on this thread - Any comment on this @clottedcremer ? Is this what you did - dump your mates with no kids?

I think I am one of those parents. I had my daughter very young and was fortunate enough to be surrounded by family who all pitched in and were delighted to help with her.

I remained friends with my childless friends because that was all of my friends. I kept my social life. I travelled a lot. I lived abroad and homeschooled. Came home and continued to maintain my social life, job, hobbies etc. Daughter either came along or hung out with family.

I was fortunate that I was able to do so. I had a very supportive and involved circle, and a very easy and laid back kid. It's been a good life, I think, but that doesn't mean it's the only way to do things to be happy.

I don’t think parenthood has changed me much. I liked my life as it was. DS is an excellent addition, but I don’t think we turned into a particularly child-focused household or anything. Several of my best friends are childfree by choice, some of them also single.

Sounds like your are judging me haha - I’m like your friend.

I changed in terms of “putting my children first” when I became a parent but I never gave myself up. Now that my daughter is a teen and is spending more time doing her hobbies and being with friends I am so glad that I continued to invest in myself as a person. Why should you throw away who you are because you are a mum? I much prefer to be true to myself and to be the example my daughter and son deserve to see.

I don’t know why you are judging your friend. If it makes her happy and it works for her lifestyle - why do you care? Or are you regretting “changing for the children”.

I don’t want to sound horrible but I would almost hate to be similar to you! That’s only because I found “mum friends” superficial and often not that ambitious, whereby I climbed up the career ladder before starting a business which has meant that I worked super hard when my daughter was young (whilst somehow still managing to have a relationship with her) and now that she’s a teen and needs me in a different way I can be there. And she is so into our family business I love that my life path motivates her.

My daughter has amazing conversations with some of my friends - some who are childless - and she is so intelligent because of it, she is super curious. But she has her own friends. Does well in school and we didn’t have to pay for tutoring. Because I bring her into my life - she has so many memories and we’ve done so much together. I’ve actually loved parenting more knowing that I can still live my life (a child friendly version but I’ve always been quite mature).

There is no guarantee that the mum friends you make will be “besties” with your kid. I hang out with so many of my mums friends children growing up and none of them are in my friendship circle as adults.

I don’t think either of your life choices are right or wrong but I do think that you need to find happiness in the choices you made and not judge your friend for her life choices.

That probably doesn’t make you a nice friend anyway. Of course if she neglected her kid that’s a different story.

Some people have deeply programmatic ideas about friendship on here. See also retiring your opposite-sex friends ‘out of respect’ once in a relationship, the idea you move on to ‘mum friends’, retreating inside ‘my own little family’, or ditching your childfree friends because They Don’t Understand. However, I tend to think his is probably more about a disproportionate number of Mners struggling with friendships in general, and clinging to ‘rules’.

Me too, I loved being a mum but loved being with my pre kids friend and being me the person and not just a mum, kids fitted into my life and me into theirs

Yeah it gets a bit weird on here, my friendship circle is very mixed and most people I know even outside of my circle have a mix of friends too. People with and without kids, single and married and yes some are even
gasp * *male/female friendships!

The irony is the same people who are quick to discard of friends following different paths, will post on here when their kids are older saying how they don’t understand why they don’t have any friends 👀

I'm friends with a couple, and she's pregnant with their first. Currently, there is rarely an evening where they stay in - they're always out, either together or separately. Almost never a weekend where they aren't away.
It's not possible for both of them to continue with that with a toddler. You'd need a babysitter every night.

I am friends with a couple like this. They absolutely did carry on as before, nights out, holidays without kids, festivals etc. They had a nanny to do all the overnights, and grandparents who helped too. Kids were wild at primary age, as teens they are challenging.

Exactly. If I discarded my male friends when I met DH or childfree friends when I had a baby (after being happily childfree myself till I was 39), or only socialised with ‘mum friends’ with children the same age, or retreated inside ‘my own little family’, I’d have lost some of the best relationships in my life, and be far lonelier. (And be a far less good parent and spouse.)

The family I know who do this just bring the child along. They’re music-mad, as if their son, so he’s very much a participant (playing two instruments, folk, trad, rock), and he’s a delightful, relaxed, biddable child who’s none the worse for a few late nights and sleeping with the coats. They also have a 21 year old who grew up similarly, but with rather more far-flung travels because she was an only child till she was 10, and she’s unusually mature and chilled.

This is what I was going to say. You sound very judgy - you do know it's possible for people with kids to socialise with people who are childfree. Why does it matter to you? And surely there's a balance - I still see my friends on my own, but also do stuff with my kids. I have a personal gripe against people who dump all their existing friends when they have a baby -which honestly OP it sounds like you did this.