Do you know someone who didn't change when they had a kid?

[clottedcremer]

So what I mean is someone or a couple who has more or less stayed as they were, but their kid just joins in with what they're doing.
So my friend has a 3 year old, and her and her Husband have never really dived into the "family" life, they have kept their childless friends, and they spend most of their time with these people, the 3yo will either go along or will be looked after but GPs etc.

When we had kids, we really immersed ourselves in it, we did NCT, we've stayed in touch with the group years on, our friends have become 'friends with kids', and we rarely spend a weekend away from them.

I wouldn't want to be like my friend, and hence never chose to be this way. But I'm starting to wonder, does this make a happier life? For everyone?

I haven't changed as a person, but what I had the time, energy and money to do changed. I lost friends as I didn't go out as much, not because I became a different person. It sucks to realise your friends are that shallow.

It’s impossible not to change! Unless you’re super rich so have a day nanny / night nanny / chef / laundress etc. In the super early days your life gets out on the back burner. But after a month or so we moved away from that as my husband was going back to work and l was going a bit mad! We socialise with old friends with no children or grown up children. But see the odd person from NCT we actually like and had something in common with -other than having children. It’s all about balance. Plus neither of us wants to be martyrs to our children: it’s not good for us or them

A former friend of mine humble bragged on Facebook about not going on with her husband in the evening for over 2 years. What a goal 🙄. So they couldn’t pay a babysitter or do a reciprocal childcare swap with friends? They weren’t tiny children either. We have toddler twins but have had a few nights out together so far this year

You clearly don't socialise often as spend all your time on here!!

I agree my priorities have shifted as l have less time, money and energy. I don’t think that’s a bad thing really. Not my fault your best friend aunties cats birthday night out doesn’t grab me. I do the stuff that REALLY interests me

I havent changed much, I still play my sports every week , partner plays golf just like we did before we had our child. We are just busier now as my child plays sports too, weekdays are manic!

We are still friends with the same group we were friends with before any of us had kids. I don't see why this would change? Joining a NCT was never an option for me as I've heard how cliquey they can be,and dare I say judgemental, it your post does sound quite judgey of your friend because she hasn't joined one.

I always think the happiest families are those who child/ren fits in with their own lifestyle.

When I had one child yes. After that, no....just can't make logistics work.

I took my baby and toddlers with me. I take my kids most places and just carried on my life. We went travelling, out to eat often, concerts etc.

The ones who wanted to get right back to being without kids, from what I've been told and seen, they don't enjoy being parents. They often stick to having one.

The question I've always wondered but never asked is do they not enjoy having kids because they never really tried? As in, from the off they've been basically standoffish to their kids so is it any suprise that they don't enjoy it and have a good relationship with them?

I did all the NCT but it was hard work and I always felt like I was acting the part of someone who was really interested in gro-clocks or sleep scheduling or whatever. I do wonder if perhaps everyone was the same, just better actors! Some of my mates totally seemed body-snatched when they became parents and to think theirs was the first child ever to be born - it was really noticeable when they couldn’t have been less interested in our LO (I went first). Might also be to do with the fact that all my closest mates are either childfree women or dads, not mums. The dad pals are good dads but they don’t really seem to devote/ immerse themselves to/ in parenthood in the same way. Possibly cos they don’t have to, to be fair.

I don’t mean we go two weeks to Zante or party all weekend or whatever but our kids had to adapt early on to socialising in houses where there were no other children, and after an hour or so of it all being novel and doing some quality showing off they’d either chat/eat with the adults (earwig and scoff the good crisps) or go and play
with whatever they could find that was broadly interesting for them. My pals have occasionally commented I’ve not changed but I didn’t set out to be like that, it just happened. Also, I do sometimes ask my childfree friends if they’re cold/hungry or subtly move their glass so they won’t knock it over so it’s all still in there somewhere😂

Yes one woman who works and socialises as if she has no family. She's out every single weekend and away several evenings a week

Poor kid is always home alone and wandering around. Feel so sorry for him in the holidays

@EmeraldRoulette some childless people don’t want to be friends with those who have children as those people tend not to be able to do the fun stuff as much as they could before

I do wonder if perhaps everyone was the same, just better actors!

I don't think so. I had a friend who got really into all those groups and I asked her if she really enjoyed them- to me they were just "filler", to be stopped as soon as it was time to get back to work. She really did. The key difference I think was she never really planned to go back to work after having children whereas I always did.

I know a couple a bit like this - they seem to schedule ruthlessly. So the kids are massively organised at the weekends (clubs here and there) and they seem to take it in turns as to “whose” weekend it is. So she’s away one weekend and he’s away the other. And anything they do with the kids is always “a big deal”; big ticket day out with photos posted. And then they’ll occasionally have a babysitter and have a weekend away together. Wouldn’t be my cup
pf tea at all, as I like that element of knocking around as a family, but up to them!

I don’t think I’ve changed massively, but then we were living a relatively more quiet life before DD came along anyway as we were older when we had her. I don’t mean we did nothing or never went out, but dynamic had changed already, most friends already had kids long before us or had moved away or just had other demands on their time and money.

My friends are still the same friends, including my child free best friend. I still go out for dinner/ drinks and the occasional night or even weekend away. I used to have holidays abroad with friends every year even after meeting DH which has changed now, but I’m going to Spain for a few nights later this year with my best friend so it’s coming back slowly. DH socialises less frequently but plays his sport once a week and does at least one big ‘reunion’ meet up with friends from uni at least once a year.

Socialising together is harder as we don’t have much help in terms of babysitters, I can ask my sister or (adult) niece for a very special occasion but wouldn’t do it often as they have their own lives obviously.

Socialising with her in tow doesn’t work that well for us, unless it’s with my family with other kids around. We have passed on a few things we’ve been invited to and told ‘just bring DD along’ because it just wouldn’t be fun for anyone, it’s unfair to DD and I want the other adults to get to enjoy their night without accommodating the needs of a 3 year old.

There’s something I find uncomfortable about the idea that parents should just carry on doing what suits them and the DC have to just get on with it. I think because I grew up like that, adult socialising was a priority (as was alcohol) and because my parents and siblings were so much older everyone was over the child-friendly stuff by the time I came along and I was expected to just sit and be good in restaurants or beer gardens or whatever. It was pretty shit actually, and I was jealous of the friends at school whose weekends were more family oriented. (I’m not saying we didn’t do lovely things and days out at times too, just that because of my family situation I grew up in a very ‘adult’ world and I’m not convinced it’s that good for kids really.)

I don’t mean that anyone on this thread is doing that! More kind of realising for myself perhaps why we do make things much more about DD - we still have our time and try to have balance, but only ever if we can make it work around her. I can see a world where you have more than one child, or the people you’re socialising with have similarly aged children, and you can socialise together and that sounds lovely. That’s not where we are really, so it makes me worry about DD feeling lonely and a bit unimportant as I felt sometimes as a child. (We do get to socialise with my family a bit like that, because there’s other kids around and it works better).

I don't think dumping friends is a fair comment, it's just logistics. You don't have as much time for frie as after having a baby, and you obviously need to put a child's needs before your adult friends.
As others have said, it depends how many kids you have. With 3 children and working full time I have zero time for hobbies or actually meeting up with friends for myself, but there will be in the future again. Logistically, either I have hobbies or my children do, and I'm not prepared to sacrifice them having hobbies. It would feel wrong to say "bye kids, I'm off to pilates!" Whilst they sat at home not doing anything

Oh yeah and just energy levels. If you haven't had decent sleep in years, then staying out late isn't as appealing for obvious reasons. If you've been yelled/tantrumed at by toddlers, going somewhere with loud music isn't appealing.
I also often just feel peopled out, I've interacted with 30+people at work, then come home and sorted my children out for a manic few hours till 9pm, then all I want to do is sit in a silent room and read. That's my way of regrouping 9-10pm, if i dont have work to do, then bedtime as my sleep is not guaranteed.
Before kids, I'd have down time after work to regroup, as id work a longer day so have it all done b4 hime, then I'd be up for socialising again 8-11pm safe in the knowledge I would still get enough sleep.

I totally relate, @SouthLondonMum22 as I am the same.

Yes! we made friends with two families at baby groups when we had our first. They were complete opposites in terms of lifestyle when they had their babies. SO family 1 carried on as normal and made more or less no changes. Mum went back to work full time when the baby was 3 months old. They were both very much in to camping and orienteering so continued to do this with a new born. They also loved hosting parties and this continued. I can't think of any ways they changed their lives except for the 3 month maternity leave. The baby just went everywhere with them but it was always about fitting in with what the adults wanted to do. They never really did any child friendly activities.
Family 2 completely changed their lives. Everything revolved around the baby. Every minute of the day was focussed on their child. They completely stopped everything they did before parenthood and life became all about baby massage, baby yoga, baby sensory groups etc. When the child became a toddler both parents gave up their jobs and both became childminders, simply so they could both spend all day, every day with their child.
We were somewhere between these two extremes!

That's what I thought! I have to admit I'd judge someone who dumped their childless friends because they became parents.
I saw slightly less of my friends during the first year of parenthood because I was so knackered and not really interested in going out for meals etc. However, we soon got back to normal. Many of my closest and oldest friends are childless. Sometimes it's nice to spend time with people who don't want to talk about children all the time!

Some parts of my life have stayed the same, my work, I haven't changed orgot rid of friends. I don't go out drinking on weekends anymore though (and don't miss it). We go on holidays, places aimed at children though. You have to adapt some of your life to be a decent parent but you don't need to eradicate your previous existence, there's a balance to be found.

It's the other way around. Many parents can't be bothered with their old friends once they've got the family they wanted. You see it a lot here e.g. 'weekends are just for my little family'.

"because my parents and siblings were so much older everyone was over the child-friendly stuff by the time I came along and I was expected to just sit and be good in restaurants or beer gardens or whatever. It was pretty shit actually, and I was jealous of the friends at school whose weekends were more family oriented."

Whereas I think I would have benefited a bit from knowing how to behave in a restaurant and having different people around me. My parents never had friends round and that's not great for learning to socialise. The only visitors we had were relatives.
They did start to go out more when I was in my teens, but then of course we children stayed home.

The friends that I had long before having children are the real friends Have made a few Mum friends and remained close to a few over the years .We always socialised with our old friends after becoming parents though.
It is possible to be loyal and love other people than just other parents .
My best , most reliable friend who adores all my children unconditionally ,is not a parent.

We have a child so do some children related things but we are still people so we do non children things too

The world doesn't stop when we have children it is not either or to me

The idea that every single second has to be totally about children is weird

@Gwenhwyfar it also works the other way too

I've never seen it happen the other way around. If parents want to still be friends with their childless friends, but can't go out, they can always invite their friends over, but many people just 'move on'.