My kids don't like their Grandparents.

[WillowWonders]

Looking for some help...
My 2 kids (3 and 6), seem to have developed a dislike for their grandparents on my side.
They have become quite vocal about it, and despite us reminding the children to be respectful with their words and to consider how sharing some thoughts out loud may be hurtful, they're telling my parents often that they don't like them and they prefer their other GP's.
My mum is really hurt by it which I understand. I've said I will ask my eldest why she feels this way to try and understand.
My youngest has autism so he won't fully understand at the moment if I raised it with him (and he's only 3).
We've just returned from a holiday with my parents, and both the kids (especially our youngest) rejected my parents efforts to engage with him constantly.
I have asked my eldest previously if something has happened that I'm not aware of and she says 'no, she just doesn't like them'.
This is a tricky situation - I want my kids to have freedom of thought and boundaries, but it's tipping over into hurtful behaviour now which is straining relations.

Anyone with any advice?

It's quite possible. My eldest is very intuitive and I'm wondering now if she's picking up on some unconscious anxiety that I may have. I'm going to make an effort to see if I'm any different in their company and note the patterns to see if there is a link.

I can see how this is a tricky situation for you and you are right to spend time mulling over the right approach.

Because what you don’t want to do is give them the message that their needs are less / lower than your parents.
ie you care more about making sure your parents needs are met than your kids and your kids feelings come second in the pecking order…

and on the other hand … manners are manners…

it might be worth thinking about if you put your parents needs above your own needs or people please with them?

The people pleasing thing has come up a few times on and there probably is something in that to be honest. We don't see them that often though, but I guess if the kids don't see me being my authentic self then this could explain why they're uncomfortable and it's manifesting in this way.

I'm surprised by the amount of contact you have with them too, and the fact you chose to rely on them for 3 days a week childcare at one stage. I'm actually staggered by that last part. My parents didn't treat me great either, and I do not leave my child alone with them.

Your children are surely being protective of you?

Look. You should in no way try to influence your child’s thoughts or opinions. What you should do is teach them to monitor how they express them.

You said she was being hurtful.
If you feel that’s acceptable then fine.

I don’t. I call it bad manners.

They expressed regret about parts of my childhood that weren't great and I felt they wanted to be better and do better (no physical violence or anything like that), they were emotionally distant a lot but not cruel. I was hopeful they'd give my kids the relationship they couldn't give to me as a kid, but it's not really worked out that way.

I think while you don’t like it you know exactly what is going on here

my advice….
Support/back your children
don’t cause cognitive Dissonance telling them their grandparents are lovely when they clearly aren’t…

by that I mean
“no you don’t have to hug granny if you don’t want to. It’s okay”
“mum it’s not appropriate to tell a 6 yr old they ‘made you sad’. She is not responsible for emotionally regulating you”
“stop touching DS he doesn’t like it”
”DD is fine playing. She doesn’t not need to sit and listen to adults having a boring conversation for 30mins… go play DD <big smile>”

Thank you :) I'm going to do just that. Since I posted this originally, we have decided to keep some distance and not put pressure on the kids. I've never 'forced' them to hug or be hugged by anyone if they don't want to (they regularly tell me they're not in the mood for cuddles 🤣). I've noticed things have been better recently when we have all spent time together 👍🏻

Oh my gosh I didn’t realise how old this was 😅

good for you
honestly… I wish my mum had handled it differently but as an adult I appreciate it is hard as there is a lot of real or perceived pressure for things to be “nice”.

🤣🤣 no worries and thanks for your advice :)

Sounds like they've invested very little time in building a relationship with their grandkids & they are now reeling what they've sewn. Kids are very direct & don't do airs & graces, they likely don't like them because they barely know them. I wouldn't be challenging my kids, I'd be having a convo with the grandparents about how they are prepared to put time & effort in to building a r'ship and become actual grandparents. I have a very similar situ.

3 and 6 year old children don't have emotional intelligence or the emotional capacity to sugarcoat things. Grandparents, full grown adults who've raised kids themselves - do have the capacity. So the onus is on them to work out why the kids don't like them & fix it. The kids have done no wrong here