My kids don't like their Grandparents.

[WillowWonders]

Looking for some help...
My 2 kids (3 and 6), seem to have developed a dislike for their grandparents on my side.
They have become quite vocal about it, and despite us reminding the children to be respectful with their words and to consider how sharing some thoughts out loud may be hurtful, they're telling my parents often that they don't like them and they prefer their other GP's.
My mum is really hurt by it which I understand. I've said I will ask my eldest why she feels this way to try and understand.
My youngest has autism so he won't fully understand at the moment if I raised it with him (and he's only 3).
We've just returned from a holiday with my parents, and both the kids (especially our youngest) rejected my parents efforts to engage with him constantly.
I have asked my eldest previously if something has happened that I'm not aware of and she says 'no, she just doesn't like them'.
This is a tricky situation - I want my kids to have freedom of thought and boundaries, but it's tipping over into hurtful behaviour now which is straining relations.

Anyone with any advice?

Well, something has led to this - what are your parents like with them? What were they like with you as a kid?

I think i would be trying to unpick it a bit more with the 6 year old to get an idea of why - is this quite sudden? Have your parents been involved with them since babyhood? Have your parents been looking after them without you being there - there must be a reason for this 'dislike'.

My son is nearly 3 autistic and non verbal. His aunty is the most wonderful person (SIL) she does everything for him. Yesterday when she came in the room he waved constantly and saying b meaning bye and then shut the door in her face. I absolutely do not know why he did that, she is amazing with him. Sometimes I think little ones are emotional about something else tiredness, wrong shoes, sensory overload and take it out on the nearest and dearest. Luckily she didn't take it personally.

As for your older child there is probably more rational thought coming from them. It might be worth while talking to them but also observing their interaction. It might be something really simple like touch which causes them to feel dislike.

They weren't great when I was younger. I've been observing carefully since my eldest was born to ensure behaviours weren't repeated and I haven't seen evidence of it.

My parents were more involved with my eldest, they did 3 days a week childcare from when she was 9 months old but this stopped due to Covid and my parents chose not to carry on. With my youngest, they opted out of childcare help with him and didn't spend as much time with him through the baby years.

I have explained to my mum that my son doesn't communicate overwhelm in a nuero typical way. He often disregards me for his dad and vice Versa but I think we understand him more so know not to take it personally.
My parents have never really been the most emotionally mature so this is hard for them to understand. Trying to strike a balance with acknowledging how it's making them feel, but not apologising for my son's ASD.

There are often groups aimed at parents / carers which offer training in autism and this would be a huge help I'm sure to the GP

Children can have sudden changes of favourites. It's possible that your parents have done nothing but your eldest is picking up on something and your youngest is copying them. If there is no reason for the dislike, 6 is old enough to know that they are being rude and they need to be polite. I would remind them of kind hands, feet and words.

Yes I absolutely agree. I'll be having a chat with her tonight about how our words affect people.

I'm sorry but i dont believe your parents are kind and good people.

There is something going on here and its not as simple as "kids picking favourites"

This is confirmed for me by the fact you admit your parents
"weren't great when I was younger. I've been observing carefully since my eldest was born to ensure behaviours weren't repeated and I haven't seen evidence of it."

My money is they treat you and /or your kids (probably you) poorly which your kids have picked up on and they dont like it.

If you are going to chat with children about their manners I'd tread carefully becquse you may actually to be telling them "you should put up with people's shitty behaviour"
You are also going to create cognitive dissonance for them which can be difficult to process.

I agree that they I don't want to create cognitive dissonance or teach them to disregard their own feelings and thoughts. I do however need to guide them on how to constructively manage those thoughts - we all come across people in life we don't like and we have to learn how to navigate that appropriately and respectfully.
My children haven't witnessed poor behaviour towards me from my parents, but I suspect they may pick up on the fact that my parents are quite emotionally absent (particularly my dad), my mum can be quite 'false' and overbearing which I think the kids find overwhelming at times.
I parent very differently to the way I was parented and I think my parents don't know how to receive that or how to interact authentically with my kids.

I have this same issue with my oldest child - 5yo dd. Ever since her younger sibling was born 3 years ago, she seems to have gradually developed some hostility towards one set of grandparents (my parents). I find it upsetting and hard to cope with. And before the doommongers jump on and start suggesting they are horrible/abusive people, they absolutely aren’t - they are loving and really want a relationship with her. I can see that they are a bit reserved and not the “super fun”, tickling on the floor types, but neither are plenty of other grandparents, surely? I’m at a loss as to what to do other than keep seeing them and insisting on politeness - can’t force her to like them. Really hoping it will gradually improve as she gets older. Like the OP says in their case, they were stricter as parents than we are, but they don’t tend to interfere in disciplining. I feel for you OP! It doesn’t seem to be an issue that comes up very much.

Trust your instincts - they probably have picked up on something nuanced but its also not enough for it to be ok for your eldest to be outwardly rude (your youngest is too young). Have your chat with her and explain that she is entitled to her feelings and she doesn't have to like her grandparents, but unless someone does something totally dangerous or truly horrible then we still have a responsibility to behave with a certain level of politeness even when we don't really like people.

Both of mine have really disliked PIL being critical of them, eg telling them off for moaning about a long walk etc when we were there. DS1 tugged at my hand to hold us back from MIL one time after she had done this sort of attempt to jolly him along which he hated. He didn’t mind me telling him we had to keep going, but he hated her doing it. He was 7. DS2 had an even bigger problem with this type of thing when he was about 10. In neither case did they say anything to PIL about not liking them, but it was pretty clear that they didn’t want to spend time with them. I had to tell DH that he had to intervene and stop PIL trying to parent, which he did.

Do they do anything like that? It’s as though my DC hated GPs ‘overstepping’ and parenting.

DF and DSM have never done that, so that situation has never arisen. My DF was good at distracting them and getting them talking about something they were both interested in - he never tried to parent over us.

Do you like your parents?

Kids are clever. DS (now 12) is about fifty times more emotionally intelligent than I was as a child, in part because he’s being raised by someone who encourages him to not dismiss his own reactions. (And I hear you on parenting very differently to the way you were parented.) My parents and PILs are all four of them problematic in their own ways, and I tend to manage things now that DS is a little older by acknowledging his responses of irritation or impatience when we’re alone, and saying ‘I entirely agree, sweetheart, Granny K can be maddening when she does X. We can love someone and be really annoyed by how they act. What I tend to do in that situation is…’

They’ve stopped liking them for some reason. I’d just keep chatting about both sets GPs off and on until they feel comfortable enough to talk about it.

Wild conspiracy theory coming up: is it possible there’s some whispering in their ear going on by the other set of GPs in some mad GP affection type competition ? Or that they’ve overheard/misheard/misunderstood some other Grown up talking badly about the GPs?

There will be a simple reason. I didn't have grandparents but I had an elderly childless aunt whom I disliked intensely. While my dm was busy (with 6 children), my aunt had no experience of children and sought to persuade us to 'behave nicely' . My 6yo self saw her as bossy, interfering and dull. I didn't want to engage with her. She was terribly boring. I wanted to be left to play in freedom.

It is probably something like that. A contrast between the parenting style your dcs are used to, and your parents' attempts at engagement.

Your updates clearly show why. Children spot when people are not authentic. They can't verbalise it but they pick up on it very quickly.

They need to be let to trust their instincts.

My children were like that with my mum. Turned out my mum had the beginnings of dementia and was partly 'missing'. The children sensed it before me. They are young adults now and say 'I wish we had got to know grandma better'

I think you have answered it when you said your father is emotionally distant which I would take as not playing or even engaging with them most of the time . Maybe he even looks grumpy to them . Your mother puts on a fake show of love and kids pick up on it . Then she goes over the top . There’s your answer there .

My ds does this as well and what I've observed is that my mother enforces boundaries more than the other set of gp's and ds doesn't like it. When I'm not around he's much more pleasant kind and would follow my dm like a shadow, constantly would want attention and they would happily play together, co sleep but when I'm around it's a different story. My mother is selfless and she would throw her own children under the bus to protect and love her gc.

My parents were quite distant especially compared to dh parents. My kids definitely preferred in-laws.

My asd son doesn't really like anyone other than us and his siblings.

I'd tell your older child not to be rude and say things to their face but that he can tell you when they are not there. I'd probably limit visits too or try to meet at a park /play area so that kids are entertained

Your eldest needs a lesson in manners.
They should know better.

Are your Parents perhaps less indulgent than your in-laws?
Whatever the reason the 6 year old at least should be speaking to her gm like that! This sounds as though it may be a wider behaviour issue? Are they generally rude and ignoring what you say?