My kids don't like their Grandparents.

[WillowWonders]

Looking for some help...
My 2 kids (3 and 6), seem to have developed a dislike for their grandparents on my side.
They have become quite vocal about it, and despite us reminding the children to be respectful with their words and to consider how sharing some thoughts out loud may be hurtful, they're telling my parents often that they don't like them and they prefer their other GP's.
My mum is really hurt by it which I understand. I've said I will ask my eldest why she feels this way to try and understand.
My youngest has autism so he won't fully understand at the moment if I raised it with him (and he's only 3).
We've just returned from a holiday with my parents, and both the kids (especially our youngest) rejected my parents efforts to engage with him constantly.
I have asked my eldest previously if something has happened that I'm not aware of and she says 'no, she just doesn't like them'.
This is a tricky situation - I want my kids to have freedom of thought and boundaries, but it's tipping over into hurtful behaviour now which is straining relations.

Anyone with any advice?

'They weren't great when I was younger'.

Sounds like a read flag to me.

Maybe your kids are avoiding them simply because they are not very nice people or don't really know how to connect with children.

Yes definitely put down any indication they have emotional intelligence 🤦‍♀️

We need another generation of people pleasing adults spending their years unpicking this.

🤦🏼‍♀️ It’s absolutely not about putting down indications of emotional intelligence. Feeling it is one thing, expressing it out loud and hurting others is unacceptable and shows a lack of emotional intelligence.

@Marblesbackagain

Emotional Intelligence is:

• Self-awareness.
• Self-regulation.
• Motivation.
• Empathy.
• Social skills.

Trust your kids, especially the eldest, they don't like your parents for a reason. End of

How often do you see your dp vs pil? You might be visiting your DP too often so they’ve lost their charm

Caring responsibilities meant that my DM who'd been previously very involved seeing DC 3-4 times a week had 2ish years where she saw them very rarely. It hurt them and when she started playing a bigger role in their life again they were very dismissive and didn't want her around. My kids are all Autsitic, but my middle boy especially found it really hard and would often ask multiple times during a visit when DM was going and saying he didn't want to play with her. It took a long time to rebuild that relationship. Maybe part of it is your oldest is hurt and your youngest isn't familiar enough with them to feel comfortable.

My son is now 12 and neurotypical, but we’ve had to have conversations down the years about DH’s parents, particularly his mother, who is maddening around young children, despite having had five of her own and bringing up several of her younger siblings. She does things like clicking her fingers while waving them in front of babies’ and toddlers’ faces and saying ‘Look, he loves that!’ despite the fact that the baby is crying or irritated, and she will keep doing it endlessly, regardless of its effect until the parent removes the child. She even does it on Skype to distant grandchildren.

She’s also one of those terrible adults who needs to get a reaction from any child (why? Who knows?). When they’re young this manifests itself as taking away toys and hiding them behind her back, when they’re older it takes the form of repeatedly saying the opposite of something important to the child, eg ‘X doesn’t like sweets/Christmas/football at all, do you X? No you don’t!’ while the child, not understanding, gets frustrated.

She’s well-meaning, but totally insensitive and unimaginative. We’ve had to have quite a few talks about ‘managing’ her behaviour, and why she might be this way.

How awful for your mum, that caring responsibilities forced on her, had this effect. I'd be devastated, as a grandma.

You read their ages ? They did exactly as what is developmentally appropriate.

Yes, and to develop those, which are expected at adult age. Children need to be authentic in their feelings and instincts.

They weren't forced on her or even necessary for anyone to do, I was simplifying the situation. She let my kids down a lot very last minute to the extent I had to stop saying she was coming until she was actually here. I'd be left with distressed kids and on the odd occasion she made it instead of her focusing on the kids I had to deal with her going on and on about how unfair it was and how she had no money and how upsetting it was that she couldn't see the grand kids all of which she was chosing to do while one again enabled my 40 year old druggy brother not to take responsibility for himself. Once he took off again, she came back into our lives and I had to deal with a year of complaints about how the kids didn't want to do things with her anymore and how unfair it all was while my relationship with my abusive XH finally broke completely then had to deal with her bitching about how it was unfair XH has a weekend with them and she barley gets to see them anymore.

Really depends on how you are with your children's, on how your parenting is.

My nephew doesn't like to spend time with grandparents as he considers them strict- at home, he can do anything - no strict rules, he can have unlimited snack, he has his own tablet (4 years old.....). With grandparents, he needs to follow certain rules: sit down while you eat, no unlimited tablet, etc. They don't allow him as much, so he doesn't like to go.

I'm, on the other hand, strict with my children. So when the grandparents look after them, they love it: more snacks, more tv time, etc.

When I was a child, going to a grandparents' house was a treat. Today, unfortunately, it's the opposite. More and more children don't want to go as they have more freedom at home- parents are rather analyse the grandparents emotional state and find excuses rather than realising they allow too much to their children at home.

So your way or the high way.

Why do you see strictness as good ? I was raised by parents who actively avoided the strict upbringing as it led to life long damage to their self esteem and self trust, they recognised their people pleasing issues caused by it.

I was raised without that, as I do with my children. All fully functioning, strong resilient and emphatic individuals.

Your nephew sounds like a happy child who has the ability to advocate his feelings as a mother I would be very proud of that.

Why can't the adults meet the children where were they are? They aren't in charge any more they are the grandparents they need to not parent.

She's 6 and learning to navigate the world. But thanks for your incredibly insightful input.

DD aged 6 started having issues with the grandparents too. My DM house was scary, MiL was boring etc etc. I think she just started to see what we were politely ignoring as adults. DM lived in chaos and MiL was more interested in the dog and tv that anyone else.
She minded less when they came to us, but would get fed up after a few hours if routines didn't go back to normal.
She's fine with them all now though. But still thinks DM house smells.

Jesus @Marblesbackagain
Seems like we live in a society where doing the actual parenting is considered bad.

If you think that allowing children to do whatever and whenever they want is the key to a happy childhood, you are living in a completely delusional world, and there is no point to argue with you.

BTW, my nephew is a little boy who throws tantrums and hits and kicks as soon as he doesn't get his way. But I guess that's your definition of happiness.

Allowing children to express their feelings is hardly letting them do anything don't be so facetious.

Healthy boundaries don't equate to strict parenting. But hey yeah let the grandparents act in a way that is alienating the children or maybe teach them that we do treat children differently now. We actively engage at their comfort level, we encourage open discussion, we welcome and encourage their opinion. We include them in appropriate decisions.

We don't allow other adults to parent for us.

Absolutely, and it’s YOUR job to help her do that.
My insightful input is obviously needed as you felt the need ask.

Why are you so rude? No need for it at all. Perhaps someone should've parented YOU better.

This is a tricky situation - I want my kids to have freedom of thought and boundaries, but it's tipping over into hurtful behaviour now which is straining relations.
Anyone with any advice?

I’m not being rude.
You asked and I gave my advice.

Ironic really that you think I should’ve been parented better.

Agree with someone who said about the over stepping. My dc prefer the set of grandparents who act as such and aren’t constantly telling them what to do. I think kids naturally like grandparents who let them have their own space / respect boundaries too rather than overbearing / in your face types. I’d trust your dcs’ instincts. It’s not right to be rude but good to keep an eye on the situation.

You didn't give advice though did you? You said my eldest needs manners (which she has). Your tone is demeaning and now you're trying to gaslight around your rudeness. Telling me that I need to parent. Yes, I'm fully aware of that- that's why I've asked for suggestions from the parenting community on here.
If I didn't give a toss, I wouldn't be asking for help on here.

My children haven't witnessed poor behaviour towards me from my parents

I’ll bet good money this isn’t true.
my mum would have said this regarding one our relatives who tried to mother me to the point it was stifling. I definitely did notice she treated my mum like shit and grew up with strong cognitive dissonance around it.

you are going on holiday with them which suggests A LOT of contact. I’d be reducing it and also encouraging the oldest to tell you privately / in confidence if she doesn’t like things