Is my children’s father abusive? Or is it that I’m sensitive?

[Potteringontheplot]

Hi guys thanks for reading.
I’m worried about my 5 year old Daughter. I feel like she lives on eggshells 80% of the time. Her dad (my partner who I have been with for 14 years!) is constantly on her back. He has sort of OCD traits and so nags her constantly, tells her to “shut up” frequently throughout the day (if she is sort of moaning a bit about something), tells her to stop “whinging” , threatens her , he puts her down, he raises his voice.. say I say to her “please could you come to sit down for breakfast “ (in a normal voice) he will instantly say “SIT DOWN/ STOP MESSING ABOUT/ LISTEN!” Before she has even had time to react to my normal communication. She is the sweetest kindest girl. She does sort of get quite emotional but when it’s just me there it’s instantly resolved with a cuddle. My parenting is totally the opposite to his. He is very authoritative. It’s just.. I feel the eggshells- he’s like it to me but that’s another story. He says to me he finds her so annoying and she needs to be put on n her place. He also says when I’m not there (not often) she isn’t so wingy and she listens to him. I do get this point/ because we are not aligned in our parenting she doesn’t listen to him because he’s scary and I’m gentle.In the past And if he’s especially annoyed he has called her a “little prck” or even “a fcking cnt. He has never physically hurt her except the other day he slapped her , because she was winding him up? He apologised straight afterwards… the next morning , in anger, he also kicked our stair gate down of the wall, which she saw. He sometimes tries to take her to classes, like beach life saving but she sometimes comes back crying because she didn’t want to get involved and he got annoyed. He says things like “she’s not into surfing/the sea she just likes little dollys and dresses” but when she goes to the group with me she loves it. She goes through spells where she sucks her lower lip and seems anxious. I feel I have to compensate for his behaviour towards her. I live in fear that she will be damaged by this. I also am afraid our 1 year old son (who he idolises) will pick up his behaviour. There’s so much more really but although I have written all this there are times when he can be sort of a normal decent dad I think and she dies have some nice times with him. He does quite often say “why did we have kids”. The egg shells is the main issue here. I can feel it in our home so can she. I can possibly be overly sensitive (that’s what I’m told) and maybe I make a bigger deal of it which in turn can probably be quite toxic for her to witness .Should I see a child psychologist with her? I can’t really afford it but what to do? I do often think of leaving him but that comes with all those complications too. Thank you x

To give you another perspective . My dad was like that . Me and my siblings all grew up with anxiety as a result and have little time for our mum as she didnt leave him

Your daughter will realise when she's older but may also grow up to be compliant in relationships fearful of a criticism

Get you both out ,

No one is saying leave immediately (well I’m not anyway) but OP can plan to leave. There is so much help and financial help out there for people these days. Yes people do end up living in poverty but there are so many single people with children that make it work and I know if I was in that situation I wouldn’t stay and have my DD miserable for the sake of money

But what if the mother is abusive too?

Women often talk on here about men being abusive, and often fail to look at how women shout at, ridicule and criticise children too.

My mother left my father. She told me that my father was abusive. And I do remember hims shouting at her and us several times.

However I pointed out to her, that she had also screamed,shouted, rated, raved and criticised us aswell. I said to her "sure you were the same!"

Most adults are not patient and kind all of the time.

Being human means losing your temper and shouting.

I've seen many bad and angry mothers as I've seen fathers.

It might be in the child's best interest for her parents to stay together.

You can't just say - if the father shouts at the child, leave. Mothers shout at children all the time too

The op is not abusive. She is nice to the child.

I can't believe what I just read. 😞
What an horrendous piece of shit.
Utter disgrace and I hope you leave him.

If you don't, I hope that someone - anyone- reports this bullying excuse for a man to the correct authorities.

Your poor, poor little girl. 😥

This is so shocking.

OP. Please ignore anyone responding who is saying that how your dh is treating your child is normal. Just because that's how they treat kids, it doesn't make it OK.

There are always going to be people reading who emotionally abuse children themselves and try to justify it. Ignore those people.

What. The. Fuck.

Op. My mum was emotionally abusive and hit a lot too. My dad was not. He was always saying he was going to leave as it wasn't fair on me (or him as she emotionally abused him too.) In the end he couldn't be bothered to protect me. I have never forgiven him for it.

He is abusive and damaging your children.
If you keep them with him you are abusing and damaging them too.
If you aren't sure if his behaviour is ok, run it by the police.
If you are scared to do so, there's your answer.
You clearly love your children. Be strong and fight for them. They deserve better.

Your husband needs to seriously go to counselling, put the work in and learn anger management and get proper advice about how to parent with tolerance and kindness.

If he is not committed to that course of action then you should leave within the fortnight. Give him a few months to undertake genuine rehabilitation but if he still makes no move to parent with equal affection to his children then you should permanently leave him.
Your little girl needs clarity and a life without fear. She doesn't deserve disrespect. no child deserves the treatment your husband dishes out.
What will you do about access? That is the big question.
It would be the most constructive, long term, if he would choose to undertake counselling.

He is a nasty abuser, this is undeniably child abuse.
please make plans to leave as fast as possible damage is being done daily to your poor little girl.
Men like this do not want to look after their kids after splitting as they are not interested so please don’t make that a reason to stay.
It is far better to be in a safe refuge than a violent home.
You need to leave op

Yes, he is abusive.

But I’m not commenting on all people I’m commenting on OPs situation and in this situation OP doesn’t sound abusive her DH does. The kid is walking on egg shells what sort of a life is that so OP has to do something to sort it, whether that be leave him or talk to him but given the fact OP has started a thread asking for advice it clearly is a situation that something has to change

OP how are you now? I feel in a very similar situation to you. Xx

I really feel for you OP. One of my closest friends is in a similar relationship and hasn’t managed to leave him yet. I wish she just kicked him put but she finds it hard as they have been together for such a long time.
You say he is also a nice man at times and that gives you hope. OP, this is normal in almost all abusive relationships and it’s the reason people find it hard to leave. If je was nasty all the day you’d have left a long time ago but it’s the good times that keep you hanging and make you hope something is changing. But it never changes and whilst you are sitting there waiting for a miracle to happen, your DD is getting damaged every day. I know it isn’t easy but you need to be a big girl now and find your way out, asm family and friends for help.
Was he disappointed to find out she was a girl? You said he loves his DS, sounds awful.

Women's aid and social care. It may seem scary but the harm that is being done can't be underestimated. Social Care/Early help input may be useful to document this abuse as your partner may try to seek unsupervised contact in the future

As someone who works in psychology/counselling, no psychologist can resolve active harm. Their first response would be a safeguarding referral as your child is being harmed. People generally need to be emotionally and physically safe to begin to resolve trauma and move forwards.

And when your daughter tells a teacher that daddy hit her,shouts at her and calls a fucking cunt what are you going to say to the social worker and police officer that come to your door?

This is a thread from the summer which has been bumped.

You want to pay a child psychologist to what..... give your daughter the skills to cope with a bully.

Do you know what.... firstly, I just want to say despite your post being a horrific read.... well done for posting. What is happening is abuse, when you live through this it's difficult to acknowledge, it's normal to feel like you are being over sensitive or over reacting.

I would contact woman's aid x

Good Luck x