Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Is my children’s father abusive? Or is it that I’m sensitive?

70 replies

Potteringontheplot · 08/07/2024 05:57

Hi guys thanks for reading.
I’m worried about my 5 year old Daughter. I feel like she lives on eggshells 80% of the time. Her dad (my partner who I have been with for 14 years!) is constantly on her back. He has sort of OCD traits and so nags her constantly, tells her to “shut up” frequently throughout the day (if she is sort of moaning a bit about something), tells her to stop “whinging” , threatens her , he puts her down, he raises his voice.. say I say to her “please could you come to sit down for breakfast “ (in a normal voice) he will instantly say “SIT DOWN/ STOP MESSING ABOUT/ LISTEN!” Before she has even had time to react to my normal communication. She is the sweetest kindest girl. She does sort of get quite emotional but when it’s just me there it’s instantly resolved with a cuddle. My parenting is totally the opposite to his. He is very authoritative. It’s just.. I feel the eggshells- he’s like it to me but that’s another story. He says to me he finds her so annoying and she needs to be put on n her place. He also says when I’m not there (not often) she isn’t so wingy and she listens to him. I do get this point/ because we are not aligned in our parenting she doesn’t listen to him because he’s scary and I’m gentle.In the past And if he’s especially annoyed he has called her a “little prck” or even “a fcking cnt. He has never physically hurt her except the other day he slapped her , because she was winding him up? He apologised straight afterwards… the next morning , in anger, he also kicked our stair gate down of the wall, which she saw. He sometimes tries to take her to classes, like beach life saving but she sometimes comes back crying because she didn’t want to get involved and he got annoyed. He says things like “she’s not into surfing/the sea she just likes little dollys and dresses” but when she goes to the group with me she loves it. She goes through spells where she sucks her lower lip and seems anxious. I feel I have to compensate for his behaviour towards her. I live in fear that she will be damaged by this. I also am afraid our 1 year old son (who he idolises) will pick up his behaviour. There’s so much more really but although I have written all this there are times when he can be sort of a normal decent dad I think and she dies have some nice times with him. He does quite often say “why did we have kids”. The egg shells is the main issue here. I can feel it in our home so can she. I can possibly be overly sensitive (that’s what I’m told) and maybe I make a bigger deal of it which in turn can probably be quite toxic for her to witness .Should I see a child psychologist with her? I can’t really afford it but what to do? I do often think of leaving him but that comes with all those complications too. Thank you x

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 08/07/2024 15:28

Bournetilly · 08/07/2024 06:26

Obviously the best thing is to leave but what happens when he is granted custody (he most likely will be) and spends time with them alone? Surely this is going to be worse.

(Asking for myself as going through something similar)

Edited

Leaving gives a child a safe space, one they know they are loved. That is so important for them. Dad may barely want to see them, but if he does she will always know she has her mum and that normal life should be living and secure. Right now she doesn’t have that- this is her every day.

cestlavielife · 08/07/2024 15:57

he has called her a “little prck” or even “a fcking cnt. .... the other day he slapped her

If he did that to someone else's child how do you think they would react?
If a teacher did this how would you react?

Pashazade · 08/07/2024 16:05

If you leave she will at least at a minimum be utterly safe and happy 50% of the time.
If you don't leave she will never be free, will be permanently terrified and will likely leave home as soon as she humanly can, she will loath you for failing to protect her and will go on to repeat the cycle of abuse with any partner she finds. Just in case you wondered about possible outcomes.
You can leave and you need to for her sake.

ClonedSquare · 08/07/2024 16:53

He's never been violent to her, except that occasion when he was. And he's frequently violent around her towards inanimate objects which is an implied threat to her. Oh, and he threatens her often.

He's verbally abusive in a way I'd find unacceptable towards me as an adult woman, never mind a small child.

Even when he's not being undeniably abusive, he's still being incredibly unkind to a small child. Picking at her, telling her not to express herself, nagging her.

Seriously, OP, you must know the answer to whether he's abusive or not. You need to act before you daughter's happiness and confidence are eroded even further (because yes, they're being eroded right now).

Ponderingwindow · 08/07/2024 16:59

He slapped your child? Like on the face? And you didn’t call the police?

if you leave, he may have parenting time with you not present. Your daughter will still get guaranteed time when she is not in a constant state of fight or flight mode. Having that normality will help her immensely.

BouleDeSuif · 08/07/2024 17:01

Jesus. Please leave. I grew up in a household with a parent like that and it truly fucks children up. None of my siblings or I have ever had a normal relationship.
Please leave. Children grow up and realise that nobody helped them. You need to be the one who helps them.

BertieBotts · 08/07/2024 17:14

Bournetilly · 08/07/2024 06:26

Obviously the best thing is to leave but what happens when he is granted custody (he most likely will be) and spends time with them alone? Surely this is going to be worse.

(Asking for myself as going through something similar)

Edited

This is such a common fear from abused women and I understand.

The hard truth is that you are not actually protecting them by staying. They are experiencing the abuse anyway. Whether they are being directly affected e.g. called names or treated harshly, or they are witnessing things e.g. violence towards inanimate objects, or they are seeing their mum act in placating ways to try to stop the abuse. It's all damaging, it's all going to lay down survival mechanisms for them which they'll struggle to unlearn in adulthood.

In a way leaving reduces one source of abuse because they are no longer abusing you within their earshot/eyesight. But the most important thing that you do by leaving is you show them what it's like to live in a home which is free from abuse, a home which is safe. This is enormous. Trying to protect them from abuse in a home where abuse is happening is like trying to have a smoking vs non smoking section of a plane - it doesn't work. Time away in an environment where there is no abuse allows them to see a different normal.

outdamnedspots · 08/07/2024 17:28

What everyone else has said.

And do counselling by yourself. DON'T do counselling with an abuser.

Jesus, your poor, poor kids.

BuggeryBumFlaps · 08/07/2024 18:56

I got to the part about him calling your dd a prick and a cunt and I didn't need to read anymore, you should leave him. He will cause no end of emotional damage to your dc. .

Singleandproud · 08/07/2024 21:09

Whenever in doubt on things like this ask yourself if you would let a teacher, child minder or sports coach treat her like that? The answer is ofcourse no you would not and if they did you would remove them and put in a formal complaint.

Her home should be her (and your) safe space.
Counselling for a man like him isn't going to help because he isn't going to change, you can see that because he treats one child differently than the other.

He might be a better dad if you separated as he would spend less time with them so might cope better

It doesn't matter that he hasn't hit her, swearing and shouting aggressively at her is emotional neglect. Throwing stuff around her even if not at her is intimidation in a "next time" it could be you way.

skyscrapersinging · 09/07/2024 00:18

You worry that your kids will be affected? I would argue that they are already badly affected, your daughter’s clinginess is possibly (probably?) caused by living with a person who makes her feel unsafe and unloved. He’s gaslighting you and controlling your home life. Get out as soon as you can.

Kellyanne555 · 09/07/2024 00:29

Coconutter24 · 08/07/2024 06:32

“I do often think of leaving him but that comes with all those complications too.”

So because there will be complications you would stay in this toxic environment and allow your DD to be abused daily? You’re already considering a child psychologist but what use is that if she’s not removed from the abuse? Do you ever stand up for your DD against him when he is on one or stand by and watch? Because if you don’t speak up that tells you all you need to need your both clearly scared

It's a bit unrealistic to expect that people can immediately leave.

There are a lot of financial considerations to take into account. And it's not always as simple as - the children will be better off if you leave him. Leaving him can cause misery poverty and suffering for the mother and children.

Women can't just leave when they have nowhere to go, small kids to look after and not enough money to look after them.

My father was verbally abusive.
He had a good job. We lived in a nice house. We had enough money.

My mother did leave him. She had two small kids.

After she left my father, our lives as children actually became a lot worse.

When we were living with him. We had enough money.

After she left him, we were thrown into huge poverty.
our lives actually became a lot worse

kiana2015 · 09/07/2024 00:41

I grew up with not only a father but also a mother who were both exactly like that, it's horrible and it still effects me to this day many years later, please do the best for your child

Kellyanne555 · 09/07/2024 00:44

kiana2015 · 09/07/2024 00:41

I grew up with not only a father but also a mother who were both exactly like that, it's horrible and it still effects me to this day many years later, please do the best for your child

A lot of people are like that.

I'd say that most people I know, would say that they had verbally abusive parents.

Mothers and fathers.

Adults are stressed and they take it out in the children.

kiana2015 · 09/07/2024 00:49

Shouldn't really be that way though, parents are supposed to be the ones who love and protect you from this kind of stuff, not cause it.
Of course I guess a lot could be taken as abuse and some people do really pick up on the small things but when a parent is like the op described it's not acceptable it's not the child's fault they're stressed

Kellyanne555 · 09/07/2024 01:00

kiana2015 · 09/07/2024 00:49

Shouldn't really be that way though, parents are supposed to be the ones who love and protect you from this kind of stuff, not cause it.
Of course I guess a lot could be taken as abuse and some people do really pick up on the small things but when a parent is like the op described it's not acceptable it's not the child's fault they're stressed

Yeah of course it shouldn't be that way.

But the older I get, I do realise that adults are stressed.

When you are working full time and also looking after small kids, adults become overwhelmed and snap at the children.

A lot of adults are not able to cope.

My mother was verbally abusive.my father was verbally abusive.

Its only now I'm older, that I see all the stress that they went through themselves which made them like that

GabrielOakRose · 09/07/2024 01:12

Bournetilly · 08/07/2024 06:26

Obviously the best thing is to leave but what happens when he is granted custody (he most likely will be) and spends time with them alone? Surely this is going to be worse.

(Asking for myself as going through something similar)

Edited

She'd get a break from the treatment though. Hopefully long breaks. He might also be more tolerant if he's seeing much less of her. If not op might be able to get full custody

5leepyhead · 09/07/2024 01:12

Oh. My. God. Your husband is abusive. He is physically and emotionally abusive. Who told you that you are overly sensitive? If it was him, he's gaslighting you. OP, please find a safe way to leave your husband and bring your children with you.

Please don't normalize his behavior to your kids. Would you be okay if your daughter ended up dating or even marrying someone like him? Would you be okay if your son started acting this way?

Lilieee · 09/07/2024 01:16

That man is a BASTARD.

Get away from him ASAP OP.

It can be hard to put down the rose tinted glasses and look at the horrid reality, but even the rose tinted glasses only make the black a bit milder.

I hope you get through this OP Flowers

Kellyanne555 · 09/07/2024 01:35

GabrielOakRose · 09/07/2024 01:12

She'd get a break from the treatment though. Hopefully long breaks. He might also be more tolerant if he's seeing much less of her. If not op might be able to get full custody

Show quote history

What if she is plunged into financial poverty if she leaves him though?

starray · 09/07/2024 01:46

Kellyanne555 · 09/07/2024 01:35

What if she is plunged into financial poverty if she leaves him though?

Show quote history

Better financial poverty than a child that's maimed or killed.

Meadowfinch · 09/07/2024 02:02

Any man who called my 5yo daughter a f*ing c**t or slapped her, would find himself on the pavement within seconds. I would not tolerate that for myself, let alone for a child.

He is abusive and vile, and is destroying the poor child's self esteem.

Leave, kick him out, do whatever you have to but please remove your poor child from such a damaging environment.

I wouldn't be too concerned about her being in his custody. If he finds her so annoying, he is unlikely to want to see her on his own. With luck he will just fade out of her life.

EnglishBluebell · 09/07/2024 02:15

Jesus F'NG Christ.

Please please please do not ever allow this man to be alone with this child ever again

pikkumyy77 · 09/07/2024 02:39

F

User284732 · 09/07/2024 02:52

I actually think what you wrote before the swearing is within the realms of normal parenting primary age children onwards but most people won't admit it. Kids can push the most patient person, especially in today's financial climate where we are overworked and underpaid and families are under extreme pressure But the swearing and slapping is not ok at all.