Consequences for hurting others (3yo)

[ScrappyAndHungry]

My daughter is 3 next month and we have started to see some new behaviours recently such as hitting, biting and throwing objects at people. Mainly us, but occasionally at one of her friends.

She seems to get very cross very quickly (before it's possible to identify a trigger) and if something doesn't go her way she will just get immediately frustrated and lash out.

She's always been such a kind and gentle little soul so this has come as a bit of a shock and I don't know how to handle it. So far I've been telling her 'no, that hurts' and move away but she will just seek me out to hit me again until she's calmed down.

The problem is I feel like I have no consequences that she will actually care about enough to distract her from the urge to hit in the moment. E.g. if you hit me we will have to stop playing this game, go home etc.

Is this just something I have to persevere through and hope it passes or do I need to be firmer with consequences? I just have no idea what they should be. I've read that time outs don't worry and obviously smacking is out of the question.

Sorry if this is a ramble, I just feel like I'm getting this totally wrong and letting us both down. I don't want her to be known as the horrible child that hurts people 😕

She needs a sharp shock. Next time she hurts you shout ‘NO!’ and look angry. At 3 she’s old enough to know not to hurt people and this very simple message will be the most effective. Please don’t go down the route of complex explanations and sticker charts.

Absolutely do not take @Rainbowsponge ‘s advice. Ridiculous response to a three year old. You need to model positive behaviour and reaffirm everything positive she does as much as possible. So if she was to hit someone you’d say a firm ‘no’ but then say something like ‘how can we be kind instead?’ and go on to demonstrate. A ‘short sharp shock’ isn’t what a three year old needs

You need to give her strategies to cope with not getting her own way/being frustrated. Talk about being frustrated and how it feels and how we can move away/use our words to talk about how we feel/take a deep breath/ask for a cuddle etc. Do this when she's calm, use toys/teddies to role play this, demonstrate it yourself. You can practise some mindfulness stuff with her, make her a calm down bottle/jar and even a quiet space to go when she's feeling overwhelmed. When she uses or attempts to use any of these strategies give her lost if praise. It won't be a quick fix but long term is much healthier than punishing an outburst after the fact.

If she's behaving like this when she's lost control then any 'punishment' is going to ineffective. They key thing is that her outburst doesn't result in her getting her own way. Move her away from other people/whatever it is that's caused the outburst, stay with her calmly (or leave her to it if she prefers to be alone) and let her go through it. Then move on.

Hitting is zero tolerance straight away no warnings either. Revival into another room on her own to calm down immediately. Do not let your child hit you. Ever.

Removal !

Ha ha ha, sorry but she would be utterly bemused. She’s 3. She needs to learn if she hits, something unpleasant happens. This sort of gentle parenting is why kids are so confused and unhappy now - nobody shows them right from wrong, they just confuse the hell out of them with mixed signals.

Op - my daughter stopped hitting in 2 days after I followed my advice above. Now a happy, confident 4 year old with lots of friends who loves school.

Again - ridiculously complicated for a 3 year old.

I agree with Rainbow sponge. So many people on here want to have elaborate conversations with children who are not mature enough to understand.

I agree with rainbow sponge too! There’s nothing wrong in giving a telling off!

and here we have the source of all the behavioural and mental health problems in your young people. Constant mixed messages, constant minimising of behaviour, constant suppression of feelings and presenting a meaningless facade.

@ScrappyAndHungry of course you need to be angry with a child who hurts. Make her know you are angry, immediately - no room for any doubt on this one

I'm another one who agrees with Rainbowsponge. Of course young children need to have consequences when they behave like that and must learn that they can't hit, push, or bite anyone.

none of this long drawn out complicated ineffectual rubbish. Just be angry with her when she is aggressive, and please with her when she is gentle.

This "strategies" and stuff is all totally unnecessary, and just causes confusion

Thank God for the voice of common sense.

🙄

Interesting discussion on exactly how and why responses like @Ivycott90 and @NuffSaidSam fuck children up so comprehensively and irreperably.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5114323-is-modern-parenting-damaging-to-kids?page=3&reply=136602761

Thank you for the comments. I do look cross when I tell her no, but honestly so far it's not made a scrap of difference.

But please could someone give me an example of an effective consequence? That doesn't involve being physical e.g placing her somewhere that I know she won't stay?

Sharp no and immediate removal. By all means also explain hitting hurts, hitting makes our friends sad, it’s not kind etc. but she’s 3 and needs it put in simple terms that she’ll be able to understand.

Do you shout thought? As in bellow ‘NO!’ looking angry rather than a ‘no’ with a slightly upset face?

My children are adults now and I do think there's a middle ground.

Definitely you need to stop the behaviour at the time but "getting angry" as someone suggested surely just models bad behaviour? It's important to also remember that behaviour is a form of communication and just getting angry without even acknowledging why your child is behaving like that is not helpful.

But 3 year olds don’t understand ‘modelling’. If they did they wouldn’t be attacking nicely behaved kids would they? You’re applying adult rationale to a toddler.

A firm no (not shouted but a stern tone and cross face) and removal from the group/room for a minute is what we aim for. Not long explanations, there's no point at this age.

You may have to do that loads of times - it's pretty normal for them to hit at this age, they're just lashing out and don't really understand that they're hurting someone. I know it makes me sound incredibly stupid, but something that surprised me about parenting is that I have to tell my children how to behave approximately a thousand times before they listen.

If your child attends a daycare setting, find out what they do. You want it to be consistent to some degree. Fwiw I found a sharp “No!” And then remove the child from situation (eg take toy away, take them to a quiet space). If you are at soft play or a party then the child has to sit out for 3 minutes. The consequences have to be immediate and something the child dislikes.

I don't think there's any harm in small children realising that their behaviour has made their parent angry, or sad or disappointed etc.

Not all the time obviously, but with the big stuff I think it's fine.

The parent is also modelling how to handle anger, which preschoolers feel all the time. So getting angry but not shouting, foot stamping, hitting etc.

"No" followed by removal. Change the environment. They need to learn what is acceptable and what isn't. They don't need an explanation at this age. They're too young. They just need firm boundaries of what is unacceptable.

Gentle parenting is BS.

If she moves when you put her in time out just put her straight back without saying anything. It might take a lot of returns but she will learn that you mean it if you stick to it and don’t give in.

Long conversations are a bit much for a 2-3 year old. She won’t understand.