Help with daughter's dad

[Terry08]

Hi Lovely Mums!
I'm a 46-year-old single mum with a 15-year-old daughter.
The story is quite long but I'll try to keep it brief.

Me and my daughter's dad, have known each other for almost 20 years, during this time we have been on and off together many times but things have deteriorated in the last 5 to 6 years to the point that I stopped trying.
He did put me through so much during these years, but I was too in love to see it and put up with all his nonsense, drama and toxic behaviour.

We hardly lived together as a family, we tried for about a year and then I had to move out with the baby still very little, find my own flat and start all over again.
Since then my daughter and I always lived together on our own.

He kept seeing her, picking her up from school, (since I was working full time and he wasn't), and taking her out on the odd weekends (he never sorted his flat out to accommodate his daughter overnight, so she never spent a night over his).
But unfortunately, the visits weren't consistent, he would get upset about minor things and not see me or his daughter for days or weeks.
Things went like this for years, he was in and out of our lives as he pleased. He was always on the other side of the phone in case of emergency but his presence lessened and lessened with the years.
In the meantime I and my daughter went on holidays on our own, lots of trips abroad to see my family, school events and much more always on our own.. he was always invited but he never wanted to come with us to take a trip/holiday together as a family.

He never supported me financially (child support), as he hasn't had a full-time job in years and his income is very little, so I never even asked. Luckily I earn a good wage so that was never an issue.

Well, years have passed and now our daughter doesn't want to see him anymore, it all started a few years ago when every time she saw him she would come back home upset sometimes even in tears because they had a bad time together.

I soon realised that he was the problem, he would be moody or try to be too controlling with her, telling her off for minor things etc. (What he calls "parenting").
Now that she is almost 16 she feels that she can't take his behaviour anymore, his attitude is so negative and being in his company is very challenging for an adult, let alone a 16-year-old girl.

Here is my issue.
He now accuses me of what is happening, saying that our daughter doesn't want to see him because I kept her away for years and I didn't emphasize enough the importance of having a father.
He can call me every day, verbally abusing me and threatening to take me to court, saying that I'm keeping his daughter away and I should physically force her to spend time with him.

I tried to talk to her but I can see clearly why she doesn't want to be in his company and I don't feel like pushing her to meet him up either.
Lately (under his suggestion) we even tried to go out the three of us together so he could see her, but every time he does or says something to create a bad atmosphere.

I don't know what to do, I'm tired and feel very depressed.
These years have been challenging for me, my family live in another country so I have been on my own throughout this journey, working full time and being a single mother has been hard..especially when I had to deal with an ex who has put me through hell so many times.

Has anyone been through a similar situation? Or does any of you have any advice to give me? Should I go to counselling? Any Family advisor?

Please I feel lost, scared and helpless.

Thank you
X

Honestly the best thing to do here is block his number. Even if you want to message first saying telling him so and telling him that you are stopping contact between you as this is not resolving anything. Tell him to take you to court if that's what he wants to do.
Your DD is old enough to chose if she sees him or not, she has her own mind. I'll be honest when my parents split they hated each other and slagged one another off constantly, it didn't stop me wanting a relationship with either of them so nothing you have done or said has caused your DD to think this way (not saying you've done anything to saying my parents did and it didn't make a difference).

I promise you after a few days of no contact you'll start to feel better. I know it's hard but take the power back! He wants court? Okay let him, cafcass would speak to your DD and when she says she doesn't want to see him no court will force it especially at her age.

Sounds like you and your DD deserve a little get away or just a lovely weekend in with no shit off anyone. Xx

Counselling is not reccomended where there is abuse

Tell him to take you to court if he likes (no judge will maje a 15/16 year old go if they don't want to)

Mute him if he gets really threatening speak to the police

Hard agree. She's 16, no court is going to force contact, and you know you and your daughter are not the problem here. Text him to tell him she doesn't want to see him, and you aren't taking any calls on the subject. Block him if he gets abusive, call the police if he turns up in person and is abusive.

Why are you putting your abusive ex above your own daughter? He should have been cut out years ago. Block his number and stop pressuring her into seeing him ffs. The courts wouldn’t have got involved past age 12 at most, possibly a lot earlier.

I agree with PP. At 15 no court will insist she see him if she doesn't want to. Is there a reason why you haven't blocked him already? Does he have keys to your home? Just asking as i know someone in a similar position and in her case the dad had keys to her flat and came and went as he pleased. Made it a lot harder to maintain decent boundaries.

You put boundaries in place which should have happened years ago instead of letting him walk all over the both of you and attempting to play happy families for his benefit, but it's too late now.

Shes 16, you don't have to have any further contact with him just block him and finally move on with your life. It's down to the two of them to sort it out and it sounds like she has made her decision.

As soon as DD turned 12 I left it up to her to manage her contact with her dad and have absolutely nothing to do with it other than maintaining our family Google calendar so she knows her availability, it's her choice and she normally goes on a Sunday and they arrange it between them. In fact I've barely spoken to her dad in three years unless he comes to a sports match.

Thank you to you all!!!
I didn’t expect so many comments!!!

I believe I didn’t blocked him for fear??
We live in the same borough, he hasn’t got keys of my flat but I’m just scared he could turned up at my door if myself or daughter don’t answer the phones.

He is a very good talker and he can easily turn things in his favour making me always feel guilty if in the wrong.
Like in this occasion, when it tells me that I need to get our daughter to change her mind, because she is still a child and she doesn’t know what’s right or what’s wrong for her.
And fool me always get to question myself!!!

Not having a family to support me in this country makes things even scarier.

In the UK from the age of 12 the courts will take the child's opinion into account. By 16 most families have moved away from structured access arrangements to a much more fluid arrangement lead by the child. Children that age have busy social and work lives and should manage their time appropriately and if that means not seeing the man who flitted in to and out of her life whilst not supporting her in anyway so be it.

Send him one final message saying that she is 16, you will no longer be facilitating contact and that she has made up her mind and direct him not to contact you again. If he does you block him or even change your number. If he turns up at the door you do not open it and you call the police.

Hell threaten you with court and that's fine too as the courts won't entertain him.

She's 16 now or soon (I'm not sure). It's up to her. You don't have to communicate with him at all now you've guided your daughter to the cusp of adulthood. As others say. Block him. But keep a record of all the times he contacts you and tries to harass you. It might come in handy if he escalates.

Yes 16 in few months.
The problem is that he doesn't see his faults, he can't stop blaming me for this situation.
I am looking to buy a property and move out of this borough... hopefully not being walking distance from each other will help to be less frightened

If you don’t feel comfortable blocking him I wonder whether you can write a supportive but clear message to explain that he needs to work on his relationship with her directly? Something like:

Forcing DD to see you when she doesn’t want to will only do further damage to your relationship so I’m stepping back from this conversation now because it’s not helping. I hope that in time you can reflect on your relationship with DD and find a way to build bridges towards a more positive relationship with her.

And then don’t reply to any more messages like that.

That's very helpful thank you.

You right, him being so forceful is damaging the relationship even further.
And I need to find the strength to step away from this manipulative situation.

Block him. You’re giving him way too much time. Why are you showing someone to be abusive to you every day. You don’t deserve to be abused
he didn’t put the work in, these are the consequences of his actions. Tough shit. If he turns up at your door call the police. I understand your fear but he’s being abusive anyway. Have a conversation with your daughter about this in advance so she is prepared too.

she’s old enough to make her own decisions And she doesn’t need to learn to prioritise a toxic man’s feelings over her own.
txt him and ask him to stop calling you and bring abusive, then block him the very next time he is. If he wants to go to court let him, he won’t get anything, she’s too old.

He turned up at my door and didn't leave me a choice, so I agreed to go family counselling.
I was too scared to contradict him, he will never accept the fact that DD doesn't want to see him.
I wish I was stronger, but I can't.

Family counselling isn't going to do anything because he'll just use it to try And over power you and get what he wants, which is all well and good until DD refuses. With her age you do not need to be involved with the counselling yourself as you are no longer part of the equation this has to be what DD wants and you just need to support her.

Text him that on reflection after talking to DD that family counselling isn't an option and for him to not come to your door again. Next time he comes to the door don't open it and tell him to leave and if he refuses to leave then you call the police.

Thank you for your support.
I totally agree with you, I don't think family meditation is going to help but I feel trapped.
If I don't agree he won't stop, and is affecting my mental health so bad that I thought I give it a try.
I have emailed the mediator and explained the story, waiting to hear what she thinks about the whole situation and if she believes I should even be part of it.
I just hope that if we go meditation he will understand that he is in the wrong and stop accusing me for his lack of commitment and poor fatherhood.

He isn't going to understand though, because he isn't about to change a habit of a lifetime and certainly won't admit or recognize any responsibility for the situation. He is expecting you and your DD to crumble.

You need counselling for yourself and to build up your confidence s a separate issue.

You need to take a formal approach, ring the police non emergency number for advice before he does it again and instruct a solicitor to send a formal letter instructing him to stop,it won't cost that much.

You should have blocked him a long time ago.

He's been a useless 'dad' - why is he still in your life? Block him now. Let him take you to court. He has no chance of winning.

Stop giving him head space.

You have nailed it and it is exactly what I'm thinking but too scared to act.

He is expecting us to change to suit his needs...and I agree he will never change and recognise that he is in the wrong.

Agree I can't act alone anymore ... I need counselling myself.

It seems like you are concerned with and what he thinks. But you don't need to listen to him or value his opinion. Buy your house a distance away and don't respond to him - drop the rope. By engaging with him all the drama continues. What's the point of mediation? Your DD is old enough to make her own decisions. You have been financially and practically independent from him for a long time, what is keeping you hooked in?

Nothing keeps me hooked to him, but he keeps coming back with the excuse that he wants to spend time with his daughter.
And legally can I deny that to him??

This reminds me of my dad. He even tried the family therapy. I didnt go, i told him i dont need help. To this day, he blames my mum for turning me against him. Nope. I am no contact now. You cant reason with people like that.

Warning my dad contacted my school when i was 16. Got me pulled out of a coursework English lesson. The school then spoke to me and tried to make me talk to my dad and they suggested therapy too. He was also very good at being seen as the good guy. Phone the school and make sure they are aware of the situation and not to pull your daughter out of lessons.

Your daughter is at an age where she can decide and she can organise seeing her dad if and when she wants. There is no reason for him to contact you. But you need to have your daughters back. Its harder for her to deal with him. No court is going to force a near adult to see someone she doesn't want to see. Block him. Tell him that if he comes to the house without your daughters permission then you will not answer the door and phone the police. If my dad came i just hid. He soon got the message.

Yes you can.
As others have said above, at 15 she cannot legally be forced to see a parent she does not want to see. And at 16, it is not your decision any more, it is up to her.

(I have been where you are).

As others have said, you need to send him a message stating that you will not be forcing her to have contact as this would be wrong. Then block him. And get some counselling.

And reassure dd that her needs come first, and you will stick up for her.

The law here is totally on your and her side. Any solicitor will explain it to you.

Thank you for your message.

Did the dad eventually accept non seeing his daughter/son anymore?
I feel like he won't ever give up...

I'm sorry your dad was like that.
It must be so hard for a child to deal with such a situation.

My daughter and her dad had a goodish relationship roughly till she turned 12, then she realised to understand what kind of person he is and started to dislike him.

Did your dad eventually stop contacting you?
These kind of people can't ever take the blame... my ex like your dad will blame me for the rest of his life if his daughter won't talk to him ever again