Help with daughter's dad

[Terry08]

Hi Lovely Mums!
I'm a 46-year-old single mum with a 15-year-old daughter.
The story is quite long but I'll try to keep it brief.

Me and my daughter's dad, have known each other for almost 20 years, during this time we have been on and off together many times but things have deteriorated in the last 5 to 6 years to the point that I stopped trying.
He did put me through so much during these years, but I was too in love to see it and put up with all his nonsense, drama and toxic behaviour.

We hardly lived together as a family, we tried for about a year and then I had to move out with the baby still very little, find my own flat and start all over again.
Since then my daughter and I always lived together on our own.

He kept seeing her, picking her up from school, (since I was working full time and he wasn't), and taking her out on the odd weekends (he never sorted his flat out to accommodate his daughter overnight, so she never spent a night over his).
But unfortunately, the visits weren't consistent, he would get upset about minor things and not see me or his daughter for days or weeks.
Things went like this for years, he was in and out of our lives as he pleased. He was always on the other side of the phone in case of emergency but his presence lessened and lessened with the years.
In the meantime I and my daughter went on holidays on our own, lots of trips abroad to see my family, school events and much more always on our own.. he was always invited but he never wanted to come with us to take a trip/holiday together as a family.

He never supported me financially (child support), as he hasn't had a full-time job in years and his income is very little, so I never even asked. Luckily I earn a good wage so that was never an issue.

Well, years have passed and now our daughter doesn't want to see him anymore, it all started a few years ago when every time she saw him she would come back home upset sometimes even in tears because they had a bad time together.

I soon realised that he was the problem, he would be moody or try to be too controlling with her, telling her off for minor things etc. (What he calls "parenting").
Now that she is almost 16 she feels that she can't take his behaviour anymore, his attitude is so negative and being in his company is very challenging for an adult, let alone a 16-year-old girl.

Here is my issue.
He now accuses me of what is happening, saying that our daughter doesn't want to see him because I kept her away for years and I didn't emphasize enough the importance of having a father.
He can call me every day, verbally abusing me and threatening to take me to court, saying that I'm keeping his daughter away and I should physically force her to spend time with him.

I tried to talk to her but I can see clearly why she doesn't want to be in his company and I don't feel like pushing her to meet him up either.
Lately (under his suggestion) we even tried to go out the three of us together so he could see her, but every time he does or says something to create a bad atmosphere.

I don't know what to do, I'm tired and feel very depressed.
These years have been challenging for me, my family live in another country so I have been on my own throughout this journey, working full time and being a single mother has been hard..especially when I had to deal with an ex who has put me through hell so many times.

Has anyone been through a similar situation? Or does any of you have any advice to give me? Should I go to counselling? Any Family advisor?

Please I feel lost, scared and helpless.

Thank you
X

He might not ever give up, he might not ever stop blaming you.

IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Repeat that to your self. He is not a reasonable person so don't expect him to be. Don't expect him to be the partner he should have been or dad he could have been. It is never, ever going to change.

You have raised DD on your own. What a fantastic achievement. She sounds like a strong minded young women that knows how she will be treated. You no longer are part of the equation between her and her dad, as said before contact or not is entirely in her hands.

She has put a boundary in place and your job now is to support her in upholding it until a time and place as suits her to re-engage with him. It is not for you to demolish her boundary (when you have none of your own, apologies but it is the case) by agreeing to family counseling on her behalf.

Her relationship with men / women in future is set by how her dad treats her and showing her that you will end over backwards everytime to accommodate him despite everything he has done will do her no favours as a model for her future relationships.

You say you are not strong enough. You are. You just say No. No to counselling and mediation DD doesn't want it. No to contact until DD leads the change. No to opening the door to him and engaging with him. No to answering or even reading texts and phone calls. You block his number and only open it again should DD be ill or injured in hospital and you need to contact him which at 15 is unlikely as she can veto that too.

He is putting himself in the victim role so he doesn't have to take responsibility for his behaviour.

If you have always been worn down before then he knows how to manipulate you. You will need to change your approach. No reaction to his accusations. JADE, don't justify, argue, defend or explain.

If you cant face no contact yet - have you heard of grey rock and broken record?

You are dealing with a controlling man so rational conversation will never work. Have you read Lundy 'why does he do that". I think once you understand that he can't be reasoned with you may be able to change approach.

Well done for supporting your daughter in her boundaries. She will learn from this hopefully and avoid similar men to her Dad (my daughter definitely learned faster than me)

Thank you I will definitely check out the book!!

He is been playing the victim all his life!!

Years ago I was still doubting if it was all my fault as he was saying, now I got stronger and more confident and don't believe to anything he is saying to me anymore but this new issue with our daughter is really effecting me.

My daughter see me crying and getting upset in the past because of him... hence the hate towards the dad. I think she held back for years and only now she has found the guts to say no more. She is definitely stronger than I am!!

I have been no contact with him a couple of times. The first was sort of his choice. I told him to answer my questions about my childhood or dont contact me again. He said bye. The second time was my choice. He showed me how little he cares. This time is final since now i have a DS and i dont want that influence in his life. Everytime i went no contact it was my mum's fault and she would get phone calls. My mum always had my back. She said i had to see him until i was 16 and then its my choice. I stopped regular contact 2 weeks after my 16th. She told my dad this too but it was still her fault and i am just like my mum (the biggest compliment anyone can give me, my mum was amazing).

When i was 16 i kept wanting to see him and then not. I forget what hes like. Support your daughter, whatever decision she makes and if she changes her mind.

It was never his fault and would twist the past so he was blameless. Know that this is who they are. You escaped. Know its not your fault but you will always be blamed. You tried to let him be a father. He failed. Back up your daughter. If she doesnt want to see him then say you support her. He will eventually get the message that you cant be controlled and will leave you both alone.

Dont worry about being blamed and what he thinks. Your daughter thinks youre a wonderful mum. Its hard but she needs you now. My mum was physically sick everytime she spoke or saw my dad but she was tough for me. Be tough for your daughter. You have it in you. You left him. Have that same toughness.

Think of something you can do with your daughter after a bad day. Ours was a glass of champagne or a meal out.

Counseling might be good for your daughter. Not family, just alone. Having a parent like that is hard. And if she goes no/low contact then there is a grieving period. Grieving for that father figure she wants but cant have.

I’m in the same situation in some ways but much more toxic ex and marginally younger daughter. You do this…. not much at all except support your DD

1. don’t answer his calls if he’s going to be abusive and tell him so
2. allow your daughter to make her own choices, gently question but support
3. stop worrying about being sued - courts won’t give a shit about what he has to say (they hate inconsistency and won’t mandate anything for a 16 yr old)

also dont let him see your emotions. If he sees you upset or angry then that's control. Keep a straight face. No emotion. Cry after. Same for your daughter if he starts having a go at her.

Sorry for your situation!! It's like hell isn't it??

I don't worry about him taking me to court... I wish he would actually, as I got nothing to fear. I'm in the right 100%. I financially supported our daughter from day one and we have a good relationship, we love going for trips together, be together and we always magnificent time!!
He had the chance to be part of it but he always had some excuses for not joining us.

I now don't argue anymore or react much to his nonsense, I just listen nod and leave... but it's mind destroying . I'm generally a happy person, I love life, what I do for living and very proud of what I have achieved in a foreign country without my family around... but all his nonsense is slowly killing my soul.

It’s not up to you. It’s up to your dd. I think you need to email and send a registered letter to him stating that if he wants visitation then he needs to go to court and your dd will be stopping all visits till he has done this and you will only communicate through your solicitors.
If he tries to contact you or your dd either in person or through the phone/email/text/letter or through a 3rd party you will be calling the police.

If he does actually take it to court your dd can state she never wants to see him and as she is 15/16 years old the courts will do as she wishes.

He now accuses me of what is happening, saying that our daughter doesn't want to see him because I kept her away for years and I didn't emphasize enough the importance of having a father

Why was that your job. Is he stupid? Is he a child who needs someone telling him what to do?

If he needs someone to tell him that then I would question whether he is capable of looking after a child

He can call me every day, verbally abusing me and threatening to take me to court, saying that I'm keeping his daughter away and I should physically force her to spend time with him

Tell him to take you and your dd to court and to only communicate through solicitors then block his number and get your dd to block his number as well.
See my PP

Time to end this nonsense

Dont give him your new address when you move .

Block him.
Stop responding.
Stop giving him headspace.

I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this that sounds very stressful and so unfair blaming you .The first thing I would do is I would get legal advice find out your rights.
I would say he would owe you child support and he should be done for harassment treating you like he is so unacceptable.
your daughter shouldn't be forced to spend time with him if it's not enjoyable for her further more like you said he isn't consistent with spending time with his daughter which was his choice and its so unfair on your daughter . I think your a wonderful caring Mum that works hard to look after her daughters well being . Your child is now a teenager so she can make up her own mind if she doesn't want to spend time with him that should be her decision . I wish you all the best 🙏