I really hate being a parent right now

[Unsure05]

I have a nearly 4 year old and 16mo, both girls. Individually they can be so lovely and my youngest is still at the adorable phase. My eldest however is making life so hard. She can be so bloody lovely but we’re getting behaviour that I just can’t handle. I try to gentle parent as much as possible but between money stress, work stress, a dying father in law, my DH working full time (I do very little part time around 2 mornings of nursery) so being alone a lot, no family nearby I am just hating this season of parenting. I’m snapping and shouting so easily and I hate it. I say stuff that makes sense to my brain at the time then feels harsh after. Like this evening eldest was messing around getting ready for bed even though she was clearly tired. So I just said I wasn’t going to fight her so started getting her sister ready for bed, so she took herself downstairs and purposefully pooed in her night time nappy (fully toilet trained otherwise) and came back up to tell me and to make me clean her. So I told her she would have to clean herself, etc which she melted down at, so I finished getting her sister ready for bed, gave her to DH who was cleaning up after tea downstairs, and dealt with my eldest who I helped to clean and encouraged her to do the rest. We calmed down then she told me she had weed in her nappy, which made me snap and I told her I needed some space to calm down and she wouldn’t give it to me. I ended up screaming into a cushion just to get the frustration out and she cried uncontrollably because apparently it was her favourite one. I’m so drained I feel like I don’t even want to parent anymore. She argues, nothings ever right, she can be aggressive, doesn’t listen or chooses not to should I say, we do our best to work with her but nothing is ever enough: I feel like the worst mum

It's relentless. My two are 4.9 yo and 15mo and honestly some days are hell, by the time I've reached bedtime I need an hour of complete silence by myself in a dark room. 4 has by far been the worst year behaviour wise with DD but we never really hit the terrible twos, she was lovely until the day she turned 3.5 lol. She's fully testing boundaries, pushing all my buttons and bringing all the attitude.
I find my eldest fights for my attention a lot and has done since I had my youngest so I try to have some time just me and her daily which I find does help but that isn't always possible. No advice really sorry but definitely solidarity, I'm hoping once we hit 5yo she'll mellow out a bit.

@HowIrresponsible

I didn't miss it, just as I didn't miss your disgusting post and awful advice.

The phrase I used with my dd was ‘mommy is going to time out’

‘time out’ wasn’t meant as punishment in our house, it was literally just a time to calm down. So if I needed to calm down, I would tell dd that it was mommy’s turn for a time out and I would go to my room.

Now that really only worked if DH was home when she was very little because you can’t leave young children unsupervised. So sometimes it had to be mommy is going to sit on this chair for 5 minutes in a time out and not talk and she is going to listen to a thing that helps her calm down (one of those breath in, breath out calming things).

I even explained to her that sometimes mommy’s need time outs just like kids and have to take some deep breaths and calm down because they get angry, or sad, or frustrated too.

it totally worked. Though I did end up with a 3yo who would ask people who didn’t want to join her in the fort she had built if they were claustrophobic and if they said no, tell them they had no excuse.

Sounds like you’ve just got too much on your plate to deal with at the moment. I’d up her hours at nursery to give yourself a break (even is that means up giving up family holiday this year, delaying decorating etc, extra support is a priority for you at the moment) and also lower your expectations of her. This behaviour comes with the territory for that age depending on the child and you rarely get 2 children both going through great phases at the same time so you’ve got to look after yourself to enable you to effectively cope with it all.

Sounds to me like she's seeking connection with you. Your busy with the baby and their nappy, she wants you to show that kind of attention to her, but instead you're mad

It's actually really sad

Sorry that sounded like I was having a go, my DD is 3.5 and I shouted at her yesterday, I did apologise but basically felt like a shit parent,

So I do empathise and I'm sorry things are hard atm

I'd get 4 year old to help with the youngest bedtime. Pick the pyjamas, pick the book and read it if she can read, if not pick ok sue knows and she tells the story and turns the pages.

Can your husband help a bit more when he's there? Controversial but will she watch the tv while your sort the little one? Enter survival mode as your struggling and that means lower standards and make your life as easy as possible x

I'd be realistic about the gentle parenting, I found trying to follow some of it actually made me more likely to shout or snap at them rather than less. I've completely dropped the long winded talking part and try to just give clear instructions on what I expect.

Your OH should be helping at bedtime if you've got two of them to manage. It's awful having to do what can be the hardest part when your emotional reserves are at their lowest.

Oh bless you that sounds very hard. I’ve just got one 3.5 year old and I’m also at my wits end wondering why do people do this to their lives. I’m finding everything so hard at the moment and can’t help snapping at my poor son. Like other posters have said we weren’t supposed to do this alone. I don’t really have advice but just wanted to say you’re not alone, if you were a bad mum you wouldn’t be worried about it. Boring practical advice but I’ve tried to fit in atleast 20 mins of solo exercise a day and it does help clear my head. Especially swimming if you find a chance. It’s a real reset for me. Also rather than finding “triggers” in your day, things that make you want to flip out in a rage, focus on the “glimmers” of loveliness with your daughters and your future easier life together!! Sending hugs.

I try to gentle parent as much as possible

That’s your problem. Stop apologising/negotiating/being ‘gentle’ because it’s creating a monster tbh.

It's clear something needs to change, you're headed for burn out and that's not fair on you or your little ones.

DS was very challenging when he was 4, a particular flash point was tiredness. what worked for us was if we were home for the day and he'd had dinner etc we'd do bedtime routine ie teeth, wash & jammies if he was tired before bedtime and he could then come down and relax for a bit before we took him up for the night; far less stressful all round. Just things like that really are worth trying maybe.

Get your DH to help more with bedtimes, either one each (you could maybe then have a nice long story with eldest the nights he can do littler ones bedtime), or you do the dishes or whatever he was doing whilst you were battling bedtime. Try and take some time to yourself as well, at a weekend or whenever meet up with friends or just head out for some alone time; I'm sure he can cope with his children for a few hours!

It does sound like your eldest is screaming for attention, this isn't a criticism of you as it's bloody hard juggling everything, but I do agree with others that if you can carve some time together 1 on 1 or get her involved in stuff.

The solidarity here is like therapy thank you. I like the idea of getting bedtime done early then if eldest isn’t tired then she can go chill downstairs for a bit. But usually she goes to sleep before youngest, as youngest still has a good long nap at midday, or they go to sleep around the same time. When DH is home (he’s not every night, does 2 lates at work a week), we do tend to tackle bedtime together or he finishes off cleaning up then comes up to help so is involved and is happy to be. In hindsight, when he is home he tends to keep youngest downstairs with him while I do my eldests bedtime and we have that 1-1, when he’s not I obviously have to do it all myself, but last night she was getting tired so I said I’d just go get them both ready then he can come grab youngest when he finished the kitchen. So I bet my eldest was expecting just me and didn’t get that so that probably explains her behaviour. But I mean that wasn’t our only issue yesterday, but that sure was my snapping point! As for nursery we really can’t afford more, we’re not even going on holidays and won’t be able to afford to until I get back to working more. But I do need to carve out me time. We’ve talked and I’m going to fit in more running and solo trips to the beach. That always resets me!