Going back to work at 5 weeks..guilt?

[Picklesjar20]

Feeling really guilty and that i am awful. Anyone else go back to work really soon after birth? Just don't want to feel alone in it and that I am awful :(

Had a lot of judgement from family/friends 😭😭

It's part time and around dads work..don't know if my justifications help 😅
It's just I am in line for promotion and doing qualifications..if I don't long term we will struggle :( also tbh it's helping postpartum anxiety and my mental health oddly..

You will get judged whatever you decide: I was bloody hospitalised when DC was three weeks old and I was criticised for not taking him in with me when I was in no fit state to care for him. Yet DP was the hero for taking a few days off work and managing to look after DC while I was in hospital (conveniently he never mentions that my DM did loads to help him and DC). Just make sure you look after yourself too.

And look at the problems they've got.

That sounds very difficult and in your circumstances I can see what you want and need to get back to work.

Your husband must step up. He has to take on more of the childcare and domestic duties to enable you to get your family out of the financial mess he has caused.

What is he doing to ensure he doesn’t get back into debt again?

Wishing you the very best. Your children have an amazing mum.

Majority of men have 2 weeks paternity then go back leaving their partner with the baby.Nobody comments on that ever do they! You’ve had 5 weeks off and will be leaving the baby with your partner I don’t see any problem at all with what you’re doing !

Thank you, it's a complicated pickle, so even citizens advice and council have been boggled about how to get around it 😅

I've found a few very slim ways around it, but all of which require me to have secure employment.

He has essentially left me in full control of finances, but the main thing is he needs to change his relationship with money and his habits..which I can't do for him..

Once his debt relief order is finished, he's agreed to slowly increase his responsibilities (more bills from his account) to try and build his credit and slowly change his behavior.

But in all honesty it will be his sink and swim moment.

He tends to bury his head in the sand hoping it will go away...but generally by the time I find out it's snowballed so we can't tackle it, which we could of done if he actually asked for help in the beginning.

Thank you ❤️

Your strength shines through in every post.

Your children have an incredible role model.

All the very best to you…

Babies do need to be with a very small number of constant caregivers but that can include dad, granny for that matter or a single paid help. There is evidence that putting babies into childcare centres very young is suboptimal because they have multiple caregivers over the day - however even then it's a balance with other needs. As long as you are able to cope so soon, your baby will be fine op

This is a bit harsh.

The OP has said she needs to work for her own wellbeing and mental health. Happy mum = happy baby, and baby will be cared for by her dad.

I think the OP deserves a break.

Just look up secure attachment theory. I am not being unkind.

I understand Bowlby's initial attachment theory and how this is primarily built around a child's relationship with a single caregiver. However, It has since been shown children can develop secure attachments with multiple caregivers.

Now obviously if the mother was hardly around to form an attachment, or was not fully present when she was around, and not consistently respond to a child's needs, this may impact on the development of a secure attachment.

I understand if a mother was never around, that would impact on a secure attachment forming but the OP isn't saying this. She will be working very part time so plenty of time to see baby and form secure attachment.

The OP needs to do what is right for her and makes her happy. It would do more damage to a child having a mum there who is unhappy vs one who is present and engaged, so as long as the OP makes the most of the moments she does have, what is the issue?

@EinekleineKatze Completely agree, everyone has to do what's right for them. My point was that some women do go back to work pretty soon after having a baby. However, I am fully aware that the majority don't.

I went back full-time when mine were 6 weeks, 3 months and 4 weeks old respectively.

They are all adults now.

We did what we did because I was/am main breadwinner. As a PP mentioned strangely the critics don't put their hands in their pickets to pay the bills.

I think it was good for DCs to see me as main breadwinner and DH as SAHP (he became SAHP when DC3 was born). They have far less stereotypical views on roles for men and women.

@Sausagedog101 well said

You'll still be inline for promotion on maternity. It's maternity discrimination if not, and illegal. You'd still get prompted whilst on maternity and take the new post on returning.

I feel it would be awful going back when they baby is still a newborn and until at least 3 months they are in the 4th trimester and is incredibly beneficial for them (& you) to always be close to mum - who they still think they are part of mum.

I think you've misunderstood attachment theory. It doesn't mean literally needing to be attached 24/7.

I have spent four years studying attachment theory I think I know what it is, how it happens and the importance of the foundation years - and moreover the impact on their future relationships when babies and children are not attached to their main caregiver.

@Hummingbird75 - I have attended attachment theory courses as am under the care of the perinatal mental health team during my pregnancies. They have delivered really helpful courses around this to ensure we are the best version of ourselves for our children (and don't pass on our generational trauma/beliefs to them - something I am passionate about for my boys).

Bowlby's initial theory did indeed support an attachment to A primary caregiver but this has since been disproven by more recent researchers, and shows children can form attachments with MULTIPLE caregivers.

Bowlby's initial work (1960s) was based in an era when mothers were primary caregivers, so his research is limited around that. More recent research has (1990s) has shown children can form attachments with multiple caregivers, but the bond formed with those who have provided close care in early infancy is most enduring.

Agree if the OP never spends any time with baby, baby will not form a long-lasting secure attachment. But if OP spends ample of quality time with baby (which it sounds like she will), what is the issue? She will still be providing close care in early infancy.

Seems very unlikely if you genuinely believe that shared care between two parents for short time periods is going to prevent secure attachments.
Surely you're aware that in many human societies infants have multiple care givers?