Spouse and child don’t get along

[GreenMachine1990]

Hello, I currently have 2 children 9 and 5 with a previous marriage and 2 children 2 and 1 in my current marriage. My spouse and my 5 year old are really struggling to get along at all and I don’t know how to handle the situation. My 5 year old has always resented my spouse because he was subject to a lot of bad mouthing about my spouse from his mom and since has not wanted to ever listen to her when I’m at work and when I’m home as soon as she talks to him he starts getting emotional and cries and wants nothing to do with her. Anytime she is around he pouts and cries and it ruins our family time together and makes the weeks very hard to deal with. I have tried sending him to his room, timeouts, talking to him calmly, taking away screen time, and even being angry with him but nothing helps. My wife also now has zero patience with him and sends him to his room as soon as he starts crying and also taking away screen time for the entire week. I have also tried to talk to her about it but she feels like I’m attacking her and says I’m siding with the 5 year old and tells me I’m not willing to parent my child at all and it becomes a fight between us every time. I’m to the point where I have no idea what to do anymore. I feel bad for both of them but am also to the point where it’s really affecting my mental health. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I just really need some help. Thank you.

You are blaming the child’s mother for the child not liking your spouse. The reality is that it doesn’t matter why your child is unhappy with your relationship. Your child is unhappy and you didn’t take the time to make sure your child was comfortable before moving everyone into a shared household. If you have a 2yo with your current spouse, you could hardly have given your 5yo much time to get to know your new girlfriend before moving to each progressive stage.

you botched this and you need to correct it. That won’t be done by punishing your child. You need to scale back.

Your spouse shouldn’t be your child care solution. You need to parent your own child.

Your child also should not be punished for being unhappy in your home. Your child has the right to be unhappy and to express that unhappiness. All you can ask is that they not be cruel and be reasonably polite.

you child needs lots of one on one time and lots of reassurance from you.

if you can’t fix the problem, you will have to divorce, so you need to address this. Pretty much do the opposite of what you have been doing with the punishment approach and you might have a chance.

If you have a 2yo with your current spouse, you could hardly have given your 5yo much time to get to know your new girlfriend before moving to each progressive stage.

This. In this child's 5 years he has:

Been born
Lived with two parents
Had his parents break up
Lived between two parents
New partner for dad
Moved in
New 'parent'
Pregnant caregiver
New sibling.

The average fully grown adult's head would be spinning. I assume you were auditioning for a new fembot as soon as the old one malfunctioned since it seems she is now parenting your child while you're not there. You've created an absolute shitshow and I don't know how you fix it.

Listen to everyone, prioritise the children, do more care yourself. But honestly, you moved too quickly and now you get to repent at leisure.

It's unbelievable that you are punishing this poor little boy for the emotions he's having due to the chaos you have created. When you continue to make decision after decision without even thinking about what's best for the children, this is where you find yourself.

You can't punish a child for being unhappy. That's absolutely horrible. A 5 year old shouldn't have the types of punishments you are implementing anyway, even for misbehaviour. They are teaching nothing.

How long were you with your current partner before you got her pregnant?
Your poor five year old is not at all secure. You've basically replaced them with your two smaller children.
Shouting/telling them off isn't going to do any good at all.
Love bomb him, not all time has to be family time" one to one time is lovely for kids.

Wow, poor, poor child. I notice your list of what you've done is entirely about punishing him. Not a single thing about trying to understand or showing him extra love/attention to try to make him feel secure. Poor little guy.

I have a 5 yo and they can be incredibly wilful and suggestible so I am not surprised some bad-mouthing from mummy would really sour the relationship.

The problem is you won’t fix step mum’s rep if the baddie is handing out harsh punishments. Step mum should not have to parent your child, end of story.

You need to try and dilute the situation by making sure the 5 yo feels incredibly loved and wanted by YOU. What he sees probably is a sad mummy, and daddy has replaced him with two new children and this woman is responsible for all these big bad feelings he has. He must feel incredibly rejected and confused. I’d feel very angry too. He needs love and kindness and then more love and kindness - and it needs to come mostly from you.

i think you need to massively reduce the amount of “whole family” time so you really dedicate time to BOTH your kids from your first relationship. Your new partner will have to accept that for a short period (say six months) until you can start to reintroduce step mum. This means not making step mum be primary care giver. And really bigging up step mum at every opportunity.

I guess I’ll add some context I didn’t want to, my ex cheated, got pregnant with another married man and filed the divorce. My current fiancé had been with my 5 year old since he was 1 and they had a good relationship until I filed for full custody because my ex was planning to move another state with her married Boyfriend. That’s when the my first 2 sons started being told my fiancé is evil and possessed by demons. I didn’t plan to find a replacement fembot as was stated in an earlier comment, this was a situation I had not planned for.

None of this is relevant. Maybe to you, but not to a five year old, and it doesn't excuse the way you are parenting him now, which is very, very poorly.

Even more reasons why your 5 year old will be emotionally damaged and needs to come first in the family rather than last.

How was there time for your ex to have a baby with you, cheat, get pregnant, leave, for you to find and get involved with another woman, him meet and know her, all before your son was 1?

I know your post is to signal that your ex is terrible, and she probably is. But you haven't prioritised your children. At all. Her being terrible doesn't make you great.

@MrsTerryPratchett has shown why your 5 yo is misbehaving and @KomodoOhno and others have noted that he shouldn’t be punished for being insecure and unhappy.

In short, the problem isn’t with your son, it’s with you and your partner.

How you and your partner are treating this child is cruel, heartless and not in his best interests. Things will get worse unless you make fundamental changes.

Firstly, I suggest that you and your partner start to practise positive reinforcement towards him. That means ignoring poor behaviour and instead look for anything he does that you can praise. Think of ways to vary this positive feedback. For example, say he’s very good at cleaning his teeth for a 5 year old. Or that he eats his breakfast every morning without making a fuss, and so on. Look to praise 3-5 things daily.

You and your spouse should say sorry to your son and that things are going to be different for him. Ask how he feels most of the time - using emojis if he can’t find the words. Find out from him what changes he’d like. It would be useful to have a chat with him each evening, maybe at bedtime, and find out how he’s doing. You’ve got a lot of bridges to build to help him trust you again.

You could also meet with his school/nursery to see how he is with them and explain why and how you intend to make improvements. Set up a regular meeting schedule with them.

Your older child will wonder what’s going on, so explain to them why and how you’re making changes.

By doing this, his behaviour should improve fairly soon but he’ll still have times when he reverts to old ways. Anticipate this and ignore it. Then talk to him about it during your daily 1:1. Tell him you understand why it’s happening and that it’s ok to do that. Give love, support, understanding and reassurance.

If ever a child deserved help, your son does so please work to make his life better for him.

What everyone else said. It’s horrifying that you obviously plowed straight from your marriage into another relationship that included a pregnancy in what must have been within a year and a second one right on top of that.

Now you’re punishing your own child for reacting against the situation. Your new spouse also seems too immature to be parenting four children. Both of you need to start taking responsibility for creating this issue instead of making out that your son or ex is the issue.

You haven't actually said what your son is being punished for. Surely not just for being unhappy? You and your wife are very cruel if you think that is appropriate. Show your older children that you love them and haven't just replaced them with newer models. Don't expect your current wife to parent her stepchildren so much, it's obviously beyond her.

That poor boy.

Your girlfriend should not be parenting your child

She is sending a 5 year old to his room for crying but i imagine giving lots of love and attention to her children

Disgusting

YOUR child is FIVE !!!!!!

People like you should not have children. Wtf are you creating new life for if you don’t care to understand and love them.

You don’t ’not get on with’ a 5 year old. You need to seriously reframe this issue. He’s a very young child who is struggling emotionally with a shit load of turmoil in his life that you have created.

You need to help him, he’s your son.

Your wife sounds horrific, which is unfortunate given you’ve chosen to have two more children with her. 🙄

This poor little boy doesn’t stand a chance does he? You’ve not put him first at any point and it doesn’t sound like you even love him. You need to stop your spouse handing out these harsh punishments - it’s no wonder he doesn’t like her when she treats him like this

Your mental health is affected is it? Poor lamb.

Between your ex wife and yourself, you've created a turbulent and completely unstable childhood for your very young son. When his family imploded as a baby, a good father would have been laser focused on the kids. On getting them through a very difficult time and creating a healthy and secure "new normal" for them. But you were focused on your sex life instead. You're just a common or garden variety deadbeat.

You've really, really fucked up. I don't know how you go about fixing this now because you've also created two more children. The first step would be to actually centre the needs of your very distressed, very young child rather than thinking about yourself. The way you both treat him is hard to read about and I would describe it as emotionally abusive. It will affect him and shape him forever.

You say it's affecting your mental health and I am really sorry to hear that, I hope you can find some help for yourself.

But it's important for you to know that it is almost certain that it is and has affected your son's mental health for far far longer.

He's the one who's mental health should be prioritized, and it sounds like that won't happen in your current household set up.

Ok, so you didn't plan for your first marriage to break down, but you did immediately start another relationship and have more kids - no one made you do that! Stop acting like none of this is your fault.

You say you have full custody now - do your first 2 kids ever see their mum?

I didn’t plan to find a replacement fembot as was stated in an earlier comment, this was a situation I had not planned for

You didn’t realise what might happen when you had unprotected sex not once, but twice, as the primary carer of 2 traumatised tiny kids? Your ex has behaved appallingly but you haven’t been much better for them.

This.
However much you think it affecting your mental health its doing more damage to your 5 year old.

Your new wife sounds babyish and unfeeling.
She is an adult, the 5 yr old is.... well 5 and You read as out of yourdepth / unable to manage situations.
You dont "not get on" with a 5 yr old, and i would have serious concerns about her approach to parenting your shared children as they get older.

I feel desperately sad for your 5 yr old - this should be a joyful age.

If you have the money for 4 children i am going to assume you have the money to get some professional health from behavioural experts and or a child psychologist.
Id also engage heavily with your childs school.

Separately its strange your ex would bother to "brain wash" her youngest but not her oldest. frankly would have been the more obvious and easier to manipulate the oldest so youngest follows or both children.