Spouse and child don’t get along

[GreenMachine1990]

Hello, I currently have 2 children 9 and 5 with a previous marriage and 2 children 2 and 1 in my current marriage. My spouse and my 5 year old are really struggling to get along at all and I don’t know how to handle the situation. My 5 year old has always resented my spouse because he was subject to a lot of bad mouthing about my spouse from his mom and since has not wanted to ever listen to her when I’m at work and when I’m home as soon as she talks to him he starts getting emotional and cries and wants nothing to do with her. Anytime she is around he pouts and cries and it ruins our family time together and makes the weeks very hard to deal with. I have tried sending him to his room, timeouts, talking to him calmly, taking away screen time, and even being angry with him but nothing helps. My wife also now has zero patience with him and sends him to his room as soon as he starts crying and also taking away screen time for the entire week. I have also tried to talk to her about it but she feels like I’m attacking her and says I’m siding with the 5 year old and tells me I’m not willing to parent my child at all and it becomes a fight between us every time. I’m to the point where I have no idea what to do anymore. I feel bad for both of them but am also to the point where it’s really affecting my mental health. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I just really need some help. Thank you.

What everyone else has said. You have a very very unhappy child. So you punish him. Think about that. No love displayed, no empathy, no understanding. Just punishment. You are both severely lacking if you think that is right.

What is the current custody arrangement?

I feel very sad for your son. Neither of his parents have acted in his best interests. Your ex wife's behaviour sounds awful, but yours hasn't been much better.

Please stop punishing your son for crying. Give him a cuddle instead. Tell him his feelings are totally normal and you're there to help him through them. Ask what would help him feel calmer and more settled. Listen to what he tells you.

Your son has been told by one of the two people he trusts most in the world that an adult he is regularly left alone with is evil and possessed by demons. Poor lad - he must be absolutely terrified!

We get it - your ex is really awful. But as you chose to give your child one really awful parent then you have to be exemplary to try and balance it out to “adequate”. If you are not being exemplary (and you really are not) then your poor child is going to be a complete mess.

Poor baby. Five years old and, if you are to be believed, emotionally manipulated in one household and constantly punished in the other.

Does anyone in this kid's life actually give a shit about him? Or is he just a weapon to one parent and a punchbag to the other?

I agree with @Gelasring . He really is being used by both sets of parents and by continuously punishing him for, as well as a five year old can, expressing his worry you are proving your ex right. He is either going to grow up to be an anxious and sad boy/man or an aggressive one who have been told to just bottle everything up. You have chosen to have 4 kids within 8 years with 2 different women. You need to be a proper parent now and realise they have different personalities and needs. You chose to have them so they are you responsibility.

Fucking hell. These poor children.

How old was your son when he was separated from his mother?

My DH was emotionally and physically abused by his stepmother from age 7, it's affected his whole life so please don't underestimate this situation.
Your child is 5, that's still a baby! No screen time for a week is ridiculous, a 5 year old has no concept of how long a week is - I wouldn't even do this to my 9 year old.
Your child needs love and empathy, positive reinforcement and just to be loved and feel secure. Spend more time with her not less! She's your child, you need to fix this not his stepmum.

Please show some love and care towards your very young child. Please prioritise his feelings and wellbeing. It's the bare minimum a decent father would do.

I have tried sending him to his room, timeouts, talking to him calmly, taking away screen time, and even being angry with him but nothing helps. My wife also now has zero patience with him and sends him to his room as soon as he starts crying and also taking away screen time for the entire week.

What the hell. Why are you punishing your son for having these feelings, it’s clear he’s not happy, settled or secure in your new set up. You need to prioritise your son. He’s showing you in the only way he knows that he’s not happy. Listen to him.

If your DCs Mum was that inconsistent then it's all the more reason you needed to be even more stable. That might have meant staying single for some time. Which sucks for you. But would have been much better for those poor children.

You are punishing your child for being unhappy????

Behaviour is communication. You need to attune to your child, support them, reassure them. Not punish them.

How are you planning to get your child to like your wife when they associate her with being punished? Its like you are trying to hate your child into loving your spouse.

You are both treating this very, very young child who has had a very unsettled start in life with real cruelty.

I really hope you are a troll. Surely no actual parent could be this oblivious.

I have also tried to talk to her about it but she feels like I’m attacking her and says I’m siding with the 5 year old

You actually should be siding with your unhappy five year old in this situation. Your child's needs come first. Your adult wife should have the ability to deal with her own feelings by now. Your five year old needs support and love and reassurance to deal with theirs. Your wife needs to know this.

I know when you have babies and toddlers your older children seem bigger but a 5 year old is still tiny.

Things were far too rushed, you should have concentrated on your older two before integrating another woman and having more babies.

You need to put the children fiirst.