Hitting a new low, don’t want to be a mum anymore

[Winniethepig]

Absolutely hating life right now. I have a just turned 2 and 4 year old, and I honestly thought my 4 year old would chill a bit by the time my now 2 year old turned 2.
But she is dialled up now and so is my 2 year old.

Had a major low point where my 4 year old just started telling me to leave and I had just put my 2 year old down for a nap, so I did leave. Of course my husband was home but I left and couldn’t come back for two hrs. My body wouldn’t let me drive home.

I feel so bad, and then when my husband wanted to go to Yoga I had them for 2 hrs and it was honestly the worst two hrs of my life, they were mad, throwing toys everywhere, neither of them can do “quiet time”, they just run off.

It got to the point where I went absolutely berserk and put all their toys in boxes and put them out of their reach. Until the 4 year old can prove she can keep her room tidy and look after the limited options I have left out.

To add, I am on extremely little sleep, the four year old gets up randomly and needs parental presence to sleep. She used to self settle perfectly in a cot. And my two year old has never been a good sleeper, wakes randomly and will take 4-6 put down attempts to get him back down in his cot.

I’m absolutely broken, I’m worried for us, my husband travels a lot for work so I have to juggle full time work, both kids morning and night, and most meals. It’s killing me.

Any advice?

Hi,

Sorry to hear this. Could you look at childcare options, like nanny or a childminder? I think you need an extra pair of hands and some breathing space.

That sounds really tough!
Can you reduce your working hours? Switching to 4 (or 3 if possible) days for the next couple of years would make a huge difference to your well-being.

While your dh is here, prioritise sleep. Can he take them out for a while or visit family with them?

When young children are being this disruptive, it's often when they need more love and attention. The answer is often to spend more time with them, hugging, kissing, playing and talking. Something is upsetting her and she needs reassurance.

Take them out every day if you can. Somewhere with lots of nature can help.

Your H needs to step up when he's around
He shouldn't be going off to yoga, where's your free time?

I’m sorry to hear this. It’s not easy when they are young and close in age. Can DH look after them while you get some rest? Or do you have family or friends that could help and give you a break?
Have you tried white noise at night to see if it helps? It helped mine sleep a little longer at night with that on.
I agree with @foghead taking them out into nature if you can would be good for them and you

Thanks, yeah it's brutal right now, no we don't really have any friends or family around, the only friends we have are friends with kids our age so they're in the same boat.

I saw white noise mentioned, both kids have the same machine in their rooms that goes all night, doesn't help, also the eldest now wants the night light on, so complete darkness for max melatonin now not an option sadly.

I kept threatening my eldest with going to her grandmas for a while because I couldn't look after her, I felt so terrible saying that to her, but I genuinely feel like I can't anymore. It's all too much, they deserve better and I know I'm not doing a good job at it anymore. I used to be really good at it all. Now I just feel like I'm failing all the time.

It is a very exhausting stage, they are both too young to fully do logic and they live in the moment.
As you can’t just switch off being a parent you have to find a way to make it work, you and your partner. From big decisions, should you cut your working hours etc, to smaller changes in routine. Don’t have as many toys out then there are less to put away, create a quiet reading space where you can go with one or both to snuggle up with a book or just to chat, establish routines for morning and bedtime, will take effort but pay dividends. Get a cleaner, get an ironing service, get decent ready meals, get anything that will let you be able to concentrate on the dc when you are with them, when the little one goes down for a nap that is your 4 year olds one on one time with you.
When your partner is home you need to go to yoga as much as he does!

I would put some toys away and rotate.

I found a solid routine helped eg-

7am breakfast
7.30 get jigsaws and books out and read/play with them
830 dress
9 tv/ipad while you get ready
10 free play with a few toys
11 crafts/baking/garden
12 lunch
1 park/walk/soft play
3 tv/ipad
4 games
5 tea
6 bath bed wind down

Kids need to be taught how to play/concentrate so in the early days it requires a lot of down on the floor with them. Get one activity out and teach them to pack away after. Give them down time and give thhem exercise time. Plus set meals andbed times.

Try not to go too big on punishment ie all your toys away until you learn is really unfair as until we learn how do we know how to do something?

I'd have a consequence though so, throws a toy give warning the toy will go away. Second time remove the toy. Or if they are getting silly do a reflection time take them away from the room for a couple minutes give them chance to reset then bring them back in (only feasible if both parents there really) so similar to timeout but you stay with them. It's hard but try not to be frustrated role model the behaviours you want.

You could do a Pom Pom jar or reward chart for eldest. But make it achievable and then increase expectations as she improves .

Tag team - both get a break in the day . We need to reset too.

Sorry you are going through this. Not sure what you mean by daughter proving that she can keep her bedroom clean that is a non issue. With my 4 with sleep issues we just did what we needed to do for us to get some sleep. That meant letting them come into the bed when ever they wanted to then you don't have to keep taking them back so at least you get some sleep. With your husband away that will be easier. We also had a cot matress and cover on the floor next to our bed so they could just come in and would go straight to sleep again. Getting sleep is important. Children feel comforted near their parents when they are young and may feel anxious about being separated from them at night. They always grow out of it. I know a lot of people will disagree with me but it worked for us.

My logic with the toys was like she has too much going on so I stripped it back to four toys each (they got to choose) and then said if they want new toys from their boxes they need to pack away and respect and look after their things (obviously my two year old can't do this, but my daughter is great at helping when she wants to so I know she could help my son tidy). It wasn't my finest moment but my daughter literally got every toy box and just emptied them on the floor, I snapped.

Also on the cosleeping thing, my husband can't stand it, and he won't let it happen when he is here so I can't make a habit of it he isn't, otherwise my daughter won't understand. I often end up sleeping in her bed, then wake to hear my son crying so then his 5-6 attempts happen and then I get back to bed T 3/4 am.

Just need it to get easier somehow. I can't function.

The more you write, the more your H sounds a twat.

Tough if he doesn't like it, he can go and sleep in her bed.

At the moment you are doing EVERYTHING and are broken.

Have you had a proper talk with him?

Oh I’m sorry it sounds like you’re having a really tough time right now.

A few things…
toy rotation,
a rewards chart may help ( mine were bad a bed time routine so I set up a white board and gave them smiley faces for listening… we found it’s helped).
Baking/ creative play
if they like books you could get the 4yo to read a book to the 2 year old( describe the pictures) mine like doing this.
Popsicle bath- run a bath for them and let them have an ice lolly while they are playing in the bath.

I do think you both need to chat about how you could get some support to help

Please don’t tell your 4 year old that you’re going to send her away, that’s really damaging.

I am sorry you’re struggling right now, what’s their routine like? You mention them trashing the house and not keeping their room tidy (a big ask for a 4 year old!), do they get much outside time?

Most supermarkets have ready made baking mixtures… like gingerbread men etc that you can try and let them decorate them afterwards… or get some ready made ones and they can decorate with icing pens and sprinkles too

Thanks, I definitely know I shouldn't say what I said, I feel pretty terrible about it.

Their routine is good, they have swimming lessons, bike rides, playgrounds, nature walks, they're always out except for meals and when my 2 year old naps my daughter has quiet time where she might get half an hr of TV, painting, drawing, colouring etc.

We try and keep them out of the house mostly because when they're in the house they're liked caged wild animals.

Also on the cosleeping thing, my husband can't stand it, and he won't let it happen when he is here so I can't make a habit of it

Your husband is an arsehole. Unless he's getting up with the children in the night, he has no say imo.

I was also going to suggest cosleeping. You sound knackered. And when we're knackered, our patience is thin and everything is more overwhelming. I cosleep on a double floor bed in the kids' bedroom. My 4 year old sleeps on one side, my 17 month old on the other. It's how I get the most sleep. My 4 year old hates being on his own and when we tried him in his bed for a dew weeks, he would wake multiple times a night screaming out for me, he doesn't when he's next to me. The youngest still breastfeeds and is very easy to just feed him back to sleep.
DH would help in the night but the boys usually want me, so this is the best solution. If they're ill, teething or what not, DH is up helping. Otherwise, I do the nights and he gives me lie ins at the weekend. Your DH needs to be giving your opportunities to sleep. He is not pulling his weight as a parent and a partner and it needs to change. He should also be putting your needs first and not being an obstacle to cosleeping if that's what you need right now

Totally emphasise - mine are older but it did sometimes feel like a battle ground at that age. We co-slept at times which might not work for you but helped us. I’d also really recommend How to Talk so Kids Listen and Listen so Kids Talk (there’s a little kids version as well). It’s really easy and quick to read with cartoon scenarios - so doesn’t just feel like another huge task to read. I found when I could make myself take a breath and use the strategies they would really stop things escalating.

Sleep deprivation is torture, none of your decision making skills are working full capacity, you can’t emotionally regulate, it affects your health. This rolls down and your kids can feel you are frazzled and unbalanced.

Your husband is a dick if he is not prioritising the health and well being of his family. He could sleep elsewhere. The number of families where one parents sleeps on a sofa bed or spare bed so everyone gets a good nights sleep is huge!
I think men don’t talk about the minutiae of childcare and don’t know what families do to cope in the early days.

Look after yourself as a priority, rest, sleep, take time to refresh yourself and your kids are just being normal kids they’ll not bother you so much after that, it will get easier.

These ages are undoubtedly tough, although I agree the 4 year old should be better than ( she?) is at self regulating and not chucking her toys about. I am slighlty confused you said you work FT but then start talking about bike rides and swim lessons, is this all at the weekend or do you have a nanny rather than a nursery ? How often are you getting down on the floor and playing with them ? If you are doing this regularly and the 4yo's idea of play is just empty everything on the floor I would be wondering about SEN tbh. Is she going to school in September ?

I'm glad you are out as much as possible, that sounds like the best idea.

Do you have any access to money at all - could you find the cash for a sleep consultant? It always sounds to me as if they come up with plans you could probably do yourself if it weren't for the fact that you weren't sleeping. But without sleep the decision-making and support to each other as a couple fall apart and that's what you need.

You are exhausted
you’re husband isn’t doing enough
you are taking it out on your daughter rather than ur husband
you need help and support
you need sleep
your daughter putting toys away won’t change this
work on not taking it out on her or abandoning her
work on your husband
Consider if you have post natal depression
build in the support you need be that reducing your days at work, upping nursery hours for you to have me/sleep time.
and your husbands yoga? Well that gets replaced with your sleep time.

be kind to yourself and your daughter.
tell your husband to step up
and be kind - this will situation will change it really won’t be like this for always

hey, i don’t know why people are calling the OH an a-hole just because he doesn’t like co-sleeping, i don’t like co sleeping, you never actually get rest with a 4yo in the bed, and i personally always wake up aching, so if any of my children get into bed with us i take them straight back to bed- this is better in the long run- they eventually learn there is no point in climbing in mummy bed as they get put back to bed anyway.
OP there has been alot of suggestions for different activities but i have a different perspective- maybe all the activities is overstimulating and your 4yo is getting over tired? And so she is acting up, i find playing with your kids a great thing to do but like anyone else they probably like alone time to play quietly- i know its frustrating when they tip all their toys on the floor, but let them, and leave them to play for hour or so solo, either in a different room or if you feel you can’t leave them alone- in the same room, read a book, do some colouring, my OH keeps saying im like an old lady cause i like to crochet- it helps me take my mind of things for a while and its therapeutic lol, you might find that if you start doing these relaxing activities they might join you, my little boy likes sitting quietly with me holding my ball of wool and pulling more string for me when i ask him, children instinctively copy their parents/older siblings, its how they learn, so if you’re calm and enjoy calming activities they will eventually follow suit xx

Are your dcs in childcare while you're at work? Could you take a few well deserved days off work to rest and treat yourself? Sounds like you're burnt out.

@Avie29 putting them back to bed is what the OP is doing now and she’s broken.
IMO she needs a new plan.

Sounds like they’re getting plenty of fresh air then!

Could the older one be jealous of younger sibling? Do you get any one on one time together?

What are the consequences when they misbehave? Would reward charts work?

It’s really, really hard OP. You’re exhausted, your DH needs to help you. It will get better, I promise

Definitely you need to find a way to sleep - your H needs to know how you are struggling and give you a chance to sleep / rest.

All co sleeping on a double bed mattress sounds like a nice idea. I sleep altogether with my kids in their room. Whatever gets you through the night.

Also, you work full time so you have no opportunities to nap and rest in the day. Do you have to work full time? I know a few parents who have even stopped work temporarily for a few years to cope with home life.

It sounds like you are doing way too much.