Hitting a new low, don’t want to be a mum anymore

[Winniethepig]

Absolutely hating life right now. I have a just turned 2 and 4 year old, and I honestly thought my 4 year old would chill a bit by the time my now 2 year old turned 2.
But she is dialled up now and so is my 2 year old.

Had a major low point where my 4 year old just started telling me to leave and I had just put my 2 year old down for a nap, so I did leave. Of course my husband was home but I left and couldn’t come back for two hrs. My body wouldn’t let me drive home.

I feel so bad, and then when my husband wanted to go to Yoga I had them for 2 hrs and it was honestly the worst two hrs of my life, they were mad, throwing toys everywhere, neither of them can do “quiet time”, they just run off.

It got to the point where I went absolutely berserk and put all their toys in boxes and put them out of their reach. Until the 4 year old can prove she can keep her room tidy and look after the limited options I have left out.

To add, I am on extremely little sleep, the four year old gets up randomly and needs parental presence to sleep. She used to self settle perfectly in a cot. And my two year old has never been a good sleeper, wakes randomly and will take 4-6 put down attempts to get him back down in his cot.

I’m absolutely broken, I’m worried for us, my husband travels a lot for work so I have to juggle full time work, both kids morning and night, and most meals. It’s killing me.

Any advice?

Don't do cosleeping. You may well then get stuck doing it for years. There have been many posts on here with people saying my 8/9/10 year old won't sleep alone.

Where do your children go when you are working full-time? How are they there? I assume your eldest isn’t at school yet. Is it weekends you are finding hard?

@Coatsoff42 i know this, i was just pointing out that some parents don’t like cosleeping and there was really no need for some people to be calling the husband an a-hole for it- and that IMO she was doing the right thing putting them back to bed- i didn’t say she had to keep doing it did i? xx

Can you put a bed on the floor of your room? Could be a compromise.

Nursery and Preschool x

Not sure if your DH is an arse exactly, but he's not stepping up to help and find solutions.

Can his job be done without the travel? Could he take a slightly different role for a few years? Hard to imagine a woman being away half the week and just assuming a man, working full-time, will pick up the slack...

On another tack, can you drop your hours? In all honesty, I think sometimes when parents work full time there's just never time to get in the right rhythm with little ones, they want so much of you in the time you do have and you're that much more tired. More time to just blob bout with them can make everyone happier.

I agree it's a bit rich for your DH to spend the time he is at home, going out to do yoga to relax, leaving you home alone again. He could do a yoga video at home and you get some free time.

I also don't like cosleeping. My daughter will happily do it and sleep well but my son is possessed and doesn't know how to settle that way. I end up just being climbed all over. Absolutely horrible.

Your husband doesn't so nights so he has no say. I do all the nights too (unless someone is ill - we have hand foot and mouth right now so 1 child each overnight). I have a huge floor bed set up in ds5 room (he has minor health issues and isnt ready to sleep alone yet, wakes a lot). Me, ds and dd2 (breastfeeding, think she'll be fine in her own bed once weaned) sleep in there to maximise sleep. I work full time too. Dh appreciates that he gets a full night sleep and pulls a lot of extra weight on other chores.

What you're doing now obviously isn't working for you, so you need to work out why, and what fixes you can make. Also, my hyperactive ds didn't calm down/chill out until past 5.

@Avie29
yes true, but if your partner was on their knees and you didn’t like co sleeping, you would probably take yourself off somewhere for a good sleep, not expect your partner to keep running around all night while you lie there like sleeping beauty?
I appreciate some people prefer not to co sleep, the OP would co sleep, her partner wont allow it, he should find himself a quiet spot and stop being a dick about it. If anything is going to ruin their marriage it won’t be sleeping apart for 6 months, it
will be the resentment of him pushing her to breaking point and making no concessions.

If the OP could get some rest she’d be in a much much better frame of mind for everything else. I feel very sorry for OP and the burn out shes having, it’s really tough, it’s too much.

I have been in your shoes, albeit with a husband who more than pulls his weight (which tbh it sounds like yours doesn't really if you're doing all the night wakes and he's swanning off to yoga).

What has worked for me is:
A paid mother's helper to help in the evenings when I'm alone with the kids - I just pay a local teenager who can play with them while I get things done and look after eldest while I put youngest to bed. I have her 6-9pm. Your husband should pay at least half of this.
Only buying food that doesn't much require cooking. Pre made pasta salads, cold cuts, we eat lots of sandwiches and eggs on toast.
A cleaner every week who also sorts out the washing.

That plus nursery fees is not cheap but we just about break even and it saves my sanity.

Do what you need to do to survive.

@Coatsoff42 it doesn’t say anywhere that he doesn’t help out with putting the kids back to bed etc, it really annoys me when people make assumptions that because a mum is burnt out the dad isn’t doing their share.

Yes same, i know putting them back to bed several times you don’t get much sleep but its better sleep, i know how hard it is, i had 4 under 5 at one point and none have been particularly good sleepers- take after their mum lol xx

Honestly, with my nearly 4 year old (who also used to self settle in the dark but now wakes up and needs the light on), the only thing that works is sleeping in the same room, preferably in the same bed. If she's in the same bed then she's OK in the dark and either sleeps through or just rolls over and goes back to sleep within minutes.

If you're this stressed and tired I'd find a way to try it. Either DH sucks it up, or you sleep with the kids and he goes to the spare room, or you and the kids get a big mattress for you all in their room, or move the kid's beds in to yours (if space).

Have a look at red nightlights - they don't disturb sleep in the same way as a blue light does. I got one for a tenner off Amazon - DD has had one since she was 18months old (now 5) as she used to have awful night terrors and the light helped ease them.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time. Parenting can be incredibly challenging, especially with two young children and a demanding schedule. It sounds like you're under a lot of pressure, and it's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed.

Firstly, please know that you're not alone in feeling this way. Many parents experience similar struggles, and it's okay to reach out for support. Have you considered talking to your husband about adjusting responsibilities when he's home to give you some relief? Creating a routine can also help provide structure for your kids, which might reduce some of the chaos.

For your 4-year-old's behavior, setting clear expectations and boundaries, like you did with the toys, can help. Perhaps introducing simple rewards for positive behavior or creating a calm-down corner could also be beneficial.

Regarding sleep, have you spoken to your pediatrician about strategies for improving your children's sleep patterns? They might have suggestions that could help ease the bedtime struggles.

Lastly, remember to take care of yourself too. It's okay to take breaks when you need them, even if it means stepping away for a short while. Self-care is crucial for maintaining your well-being among the challenges of parenting.

Sending you strength and support during this difficult time. You're doing an incredible job, even on the toughest days.

This was me. Although I didn't work and rarely left the house as I'm autistic. Mine were 22 months apart. Husband works away. It is hell but the years go by fast.

You are sleep deprived, which is a form of torture, no wonder you are feeling like you do!

You need to catch up on sleep, I don't know how you and your H tag team overnights but you both need a decent night's sleep regularly.

Sounds like your kids would benefit from being out. With warmer/finer weather spend the days at the beach, in the park, at a National Trust or even just in the garden with a padding pool and some plastic cups, somewhere they can run around safely. It doesn't need to be expensive, packed lunch and a few balls to play with.

Good luck!

You sound like you need a bit of respite. Sometimes we just don't have it in the tank.

When I felt myself heading to that wall I used to head out for a two hour hike at the shore, a coffee and come back and sleep from early evening to the next day, it just reset my brain. But these are things that I did for big exams etc. what is your thing to reset, when was the last time yo had a break?

Your DH has to step up, you need sleep before you can look after yourself and you need to look after yourself before you look after anyone else.

When I struggled I made my world small, that actually didn't help. Getting out in fresh air running the legs off them, playground, kicking a ball etc I used to dread going but always felt better later and it helped their sleep.

The issues don't disappear but the impact on you will get smaller and that is the way out. Ignore the toys, or if you can't tidy up song and a huge storage box that can have a pretty blanket thrown over.

Dial right back until you're just dealing with priorities, clean, food, sleep.
Use the nightlight. At 4, her imagination is wild right now.
Get a reward system into place - praise even the tiniest of things, such as taking a cup to the kitchen, playing nicely for 5 minutes, anything they've helped you with. That positive attention sticks.
Don't sweat the small stuff - stuff like wanting to wear wellies on a sunny day or refusing to put a coat on to go out will have their own natural consequences, you just take more suitable shoes or a coat with you.

5 minutes timers for tidy up time - who can pick up the most toys in this time? Loads of praise at the end.

Guided tidying - a big mess is way too overwhelming, so break it down into simple achievable bits.

Tell them why something needs doing - we need to tidy things so there's more space to play and (insert favourite toy) doesn't get broken, as I know you'd be sad.

We sleep so we can grow and be happy, and it helps to make us big and strong.

Even now at 54, I'm better with stuff if I know the why!

Sleeping - simple routines, and if the 4 year old sleeps with you and you both get better sleep for it, then do that. It won't be forever. If you get just one night where she gets up less, acknowledge this and tell her what a good girl she is and inject a bit of a goal for her to see if she can do it again tonight, as you can see she's starting to become a big, grown up girl.

Ignore as much as you can where she's seeking negative attention where it's only minor stuff that doesn't matter really in the long run.

Proper down time, be it reading with them for ten minutes or they watch a bit of telly.

Be silly and fun with them so it's not always about what they are or aren't doing.

When you're dh is home, make sure that you get some time out fully. Could be a bath with the door firmly locked, a walk, exercise class, coffee with a friend etc. gives you a chance to recharge.

Apologise when you get it wrong. So "I'm sorry I said I'd send you to Grandma's when I was cross. I was very tired, but I do love you so much and don't really want to send you away. Come and have a cuddle".

You're right in the thick of things now, but it does get easier once they learn to sleep independently and control their emotions.

I hope this helps. I've 4 grown up kids now, including a set of triplets, and the above is all tried and tested. 😉

Honestly I think your parenting skills / routines etc are (or would be) absolutely fine, it's the sleep deprivation that's killing you.

You need to get more sleep, everything else will be more bearable and you will be able to parent better once you aren't completely mind shatteringly exhausted. Also the kids will be much more regulated and easier to manage if they aren't tired.

Unfortunately sleep is not always easy to fix. I too had bad sleepers at this stage and no amount of carefully planned calming bedtime routine, blackened room or white noise fixed it. Only time (big improvement around 5 years old actually so fingers crossed). But, in the meantime you have to have some arrangements that allow you to get some sleep.

I agree with others re cosleeping and having a serious chat with husband. Can he sleep in a spare bed or swap with your daughter so that you can co sleep in the big bed with one or both kids as needed and all get some sleep. If you are managing the night wakes he needs to enable you to lie in in the mornings as much as possible. If you can just get some sleep, everything else will resolve itself because you don't sound like you lack parenting skills you're just exhausted.

I think it's pretty safe to assume if op really is as exhausted as she is making out, then her oh is likely doing fuck all to help.

Op, is your other half helping in the night? Is he giving you lie ins at the weekend? Any chance to catch up on sleep or time to yourself?

Op never mentioned not liking cosleeping in her previous responses, said her eldest sleeps well with parental presence but it's her husband who doesn't want to cosleep.
Of course with this information you are going to assume the husband is being a selfish arsehole, putting his own needs above his sleep-deprived wife's 🙄

OP says her husband travels often with work so sounds like she is parenting solo alongside working fulltime.

OP - unless there is an absolute financial necessity would you consider dropping some time at work for a short while? Normally I don't recommend women sacrificing their careers unilaterally, the alternative is that your husband travels less for the next 6 months or so, is that possible?

Yes, look into red night lights.

Organise with your husband to give each other two full nights sleep every week. Be on duty for two, sleep fully for two and share the other three.

Also try sometimes, if you are both at home, to each take care of one child. Then you can relax more until your child is needing attention.

If you are really SO tired, send the kids to nursery and childcare and you sleep for the day. You sound so tired that you are depressed.

Your husband needs to pitch in more, also you can't expect quiet time with a 2 year old and 4 year old. Are they both in nursery?

Good tips there from @Mabelface who has brought up triplets so must have an idea! I have two dc with ‘challenging’ behaviour and sometimes imagine in my worst nightmares what it would have been like if there were two of each and identical!

I think it’s a good tip to be fun and playful with them as much as you can. I used to find after tea and before bedtime a tricky time. We used to sit and play a board game or something and I would literally sit between them to stop them fighting and concentrate on the game. In the summer I would take them out at about 6pm to run around in the park or we would play piggy in the middle in the garden or dance around the kitchen to fun music. Then half an hour tv before bed if they will settle. It’s a lot of effort for the parent after a day’s work but the pay off is worth it with ‘hyper’ children because if you leave them for a minute the behaviour can get out of hand. Even watching tv I would have to sit between them but they would settle a bit because we were watching together.

Oh yes a pp mentioned a paddling pool. My dc could spend hours messing around in and out of a pool.

I don’t think many families have much ‘quiet time’ tbh with small children.