other parents being rude about ds appearance

[Kitschnsync]

On 2 separate occasions, 2 different mothers of kids in my son’s class have pointed out different things about my child’s appearance. He is 6.
My son has a skin tag on his neck that looks like a little ball under his skin, less than 5mm. He was born with it and I made the decision when he was a baby to let him decide what he wants to do with it when he’s older. I’ve always told him it makes him special and unique. He also has quite noticeable eczema on his arms and legs that flares up every now and then, which he is very self conscious about and has only just started wearing shorts and t-shirts willingly. I reassure him that lots of children have eczema, his dad had it and it’s not a serious thing.
The first instance, one of the mums pointed out his skin tag and said, in an alarmed voice, “what’s that? what happened?” I said “what?” and she said “that!” still pointing. I replied in an irritated, dismissive tone, “he was born with it.”
The second time, a different mum pointed at the eczema on his legs and says “what are those spots?” I said in a low voice, “don’t say that in front of him.” she replied, “I was saying it to you, not him.” I said in an annoyed tone, “he can hear you.”
Oh by the way, both times my son was 2 or 3 feet away and was in earshot of both comments. He didn’t say anything to me and I didn’t mention it to him in case he hadn’t heard them. But I don’t want him to internalise the comments if he did hear. I feel really angry that I have to deal with these comments. Don’t they have anything better to talk about? Why do they need to know? Why would they be so oblivious to say it in front of my son? I kind of expect these questions from a child, but not an adult who have children of their own. How can I build up his self esteem when I have to deal with these bitches? They’re just being ignorant, rude and mean.
I’m not really friends with either of these women, I just see them regularly at school pick up, parks and kids’ parties. My son isn’t close friends with their children, thank goodness. In my mind, I’ve been thinking of things I should have said in the moment. How do I deal with this in the future? I feel devastated on my son’s behalf. Just had to get this off my chest!

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. It is very difficult to maintain or boost your child's self esteem as well as manage other people's behaviour. I've been in similar situations with my daughter. She had a squint and ended up having surgery on her eye and she has some other difficulties. I usually just speak about them out loud quite matter of factly. When the facts are out there people can't whisper their own opinions and conclusions. And when we are home I make sure that my child knows that she is beautiful, kind, funny and loved among other wonderful things. My family also do this so she hears it from more than just her mum.

That’s a horrible thing to happen. The eczema is what it is. But let’s talk about the skin tag. Nobody chooses to have a skin tag. Whip it off.

I agree, he's not going to grow up and want to.keep it, much easier to sort it now for him.

The eczema thing is shit (I know, I grew up covered in it head to toe) and they are rude, but the special and unique skin tag thing is bonkers. He's not really going to thank you for that decision later. Would you want a special and unique very visible skin tag?

Get rid of the skin tag OP.

The women are still rude and mannerless.

Yes they are awful people. But I am confused as to why on earth you didn't have the skin tag removed. Purely from the practical risk of it catching and being painful.

Eczema my eldest was sadly ravaged with it and there were years of managing it but at sixteen now has very minor rare flare ups

I agree the kid isn't going to thank.you as the kids start being mean to him or worse when older grab it or something. Make life easier, recovery for anything is easier younger.

When people say things just explain it to them. Stop making it a fuss that there's attention on it. Kids will ask him as well. With mine we just say it infront of people happily so it's no big deal. The parent was probably worried it was something contagious.

I don't know if.yours is similar but we can't do shorts or t shirts or mine gets really itchy in the creases or where he touches stuff.

eh? I have a similar size skin tag on my neck and no one has ever suggested that I ought to get rid of it or commented in shock (and I’m not oblivious - I have clear memories of comments on other stuff!!. DC1 has commented on it a couple of times and touched it with his fingers while hugging me. It’s not even like it’s on my face.

I think you have to be careful that by saying 'don't say that in front of him' that you don't make him feel like it's something that shouldn't be mentioned by anyone because it's embarrassing. What they said was extremely rude but they probably thought he could have chicken pox or something. I think it would be better to breezily say 'Oh it's only eczema, no big deal'. You behaving like it's not a big thing is more likely to make him feel like it's no big thing.

Same with the skin tag, just say 'Oh it's just a skin tag'. He will be looking to how you react to people mentioning these things to see how he should react. So don't make them into something that no one should mention (even if they shouldn't) because kids especially can be very curious (and adults down right rude!).

I have a deformed mole tag type thing under my armpit it's been there for about forty years never bothered anyone except my sister

I waited to have my son's skin tag removed too. There was no way I was risking a general anaesthetic on a baby for something cosmetic. Everyone told me he'd be bullied for it and tried to force me into it but I ignored them. He never was bullied, his school never would have put up with that.

I think it's better to just talk about these things openly. If people ask you tell them.

People are arseholes and, as you’ve experienced, it’s often the adults who are worse. They’ll ask your DS directly in a few years too.

I’m all for positivity and that approach is fine for the eczema but I’d get the skin tag sorted now. It’s something that can be very quickly removed and your DS doesn’t need to learn to live with it.

And the plastic surgeon did a terrible job on his skin tags. They didn't do what they said they would to minimise scarring so it was much more extensive than they said it would be. It wasn't really worth getting it done and my now adult son does regret it as he feels the scaring is more obvious then the tags were.

Definitely get the skin tag removed.

Hi Op! I agree with removing the skin tag. My daughter was born with a minor birth defect that doesn’t effect her physically but may emotionally going forward if people notice and take the piss. I’m going to have it operated on as soon as she is age ready. Not because I care or am embarrassed but because society can be a bitch and I don’t want her to have something easily corrected with surgery cause her life long misery.

Eczema? Loads of kids have it… that’s not something to be embarrassed about imo but if it’s bad visit the gp.

I’m all for being comfortable in your own skin but don’t make a mountain out of a molehill here.

The women are rude. But I agree with other posters - get the skin tag off now so the scar will be less noticeable when he is older, younger skin heals better.

Either way regards to the eczema, my dd has awful eczema but we have always talked casually about it with anyone who asked. 'Oh her legs look sore?' 'Oh yes, she has eczema. She's been using her cream and it will go down in a few days' - by hissing at them not to mention it you might make him more self conscious and ashamed - as if it is something that can't be talked about or mentioned.

I hope he's doing ok.

My son has a 3" scar on his cheek from a tumour removal as a child and we used to get the same. We used to make up things like - it was a shark bite, or a pirate fight. He's 19 now and said some people ask my most don't . I'm sorry op some people are shit.

Fucking hell, what is wrong with all these posters telling a stranger to remove part of her child's natural body? How can you be arrogant enough to think you have the right to say that to someone who has clearly stated she wants it to be her son's decision? Wind your necks in.

I’m not going to say have it removed but please don’t tell him it makes him ‘special and unique’ it’s not a part of his personality and the other kids won’t see it that way. Just be honest, it’s a skin tag, some people have them and you can have it removed when you’re older if you want to. Tell him that other children in his class will have birth marks or moles or wonky smiles, it doesn’t say anything about them as people though, and it’s rude to point it out.

I don’t know enough about skin tags or really know what they are to comment. But on the eczema stuff it really is horrible what some people say. I had eczema as a baby and people used to stop my mum in the street and suggest I get taken to a doctor immediately etc. as though my mum was neglectful. It was really horrible for her as she had taken me to the doctors and got cream etc. I’d just try have a phrase to say to people who comment on the eczema and hopefully they’ll get the message to not say anything.

My suggested response for if this happens again in the future is not to answer their question but to deflect back to their behaviour.

You say; ‘did you mean to ask me a rude question?’

They’ll say; ‘no’

and you reply; ‘well I think that’s a rude question’.

Then you give it a few seconds of silence before you change the subject.

You’ll make your point and they won’t ask about it again.

OP I'm sorry you have to deal with these comments - to be honest I'm really shocked another parent would openly comment on that, it's beyond rude!

Get rid of the skin tag. I had similar and my parents just left it. I suffered from bullying and teasing (never told them). I got rid of it myself as an adult but feel quite a lot of resentment that my parents could have done something to avoid their child suffering that. Why risk your child going through that when they don’t have to? Sadly people can be rude, and kids can be cruel.

I think just come up with a few stock phrases that you have up your sleeve

I agree have the skin tag removed, there’s no good reason not to. My son had a mole growing on his chin, when he was 11 he said people were teasing him about it. It was removed and he was much happier afterwards.