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Parenting

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Original poster

Shall I dump my husband just before ivf?

33 replies

mamalama86 · 28/06/2024 22:47

Right so long story short...

Married for 7 years, have a child who's 18 months after conceiving through ICSI/IVF.

We both love our son tremendously and have the following set up..

I work full time hours but condense them into 4 days so I have a Wednesday off with my son.

My husband worked half days on the other 4 days while my son is in nursery. On Wednesdays he works a full day.

So...neither of us catch a break so to speak. We have zero family or friends to support with childcare so this is what has to work for us.

My salary pays for absolutely everything. My husband's 'work' barely pays his phone bill. But, I don't complain as he looks after my son in the afternoons. That said, I'm resentful that he gets to spend time with him but also has a morning off each day (plus a full day weds) And contributes nothing to the household.

His reasoning was that he was hungry and I get to bath twice a week (showers on the other days) and he had been with the baby alllll day (it was only 2hrs as the baby had been to nursery and then had a nap).

We didn't talk for a day.

I then brought up the subject tonight as I feel like this is a deeper routed problem than how long the other gets to have a wash.

His response was to tell me I shouldn't bring it up and all I want to do is start an argument and annoy him. We now aren't speaking again. I'm at my wits end. Is this normal? What the hell do I do???

OP posts:

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 28/06/2024 23:17

This week I said I needed a quick 15 min bath because my legs ached. His response was awful. After I had my bath he proceeded to tell me he wanted to go and have something to eat as he was starving and I should stick to the days where I was 'allowed' to have a bath.
It's not normal and it's not ok. Neither is the silent treatment or shutting down communication. He sounds controlling and entitled. This is a snapshot so hard ro say whether the next step would be to so counselling if he will or to LTB because he's abusive. One issue there though he could count as the residential parent. You'd probably be better off asking to move this to relationships.

climbershell · 28/06/2024 23:23

If he works 4 half days and 1 full day, he should have money to contribute to the family expenses. Why does he not?

He sounds like a jerk. So what if he'd been looking after the child in the afternoon, you'd been at work. Both are jobs, nor free time. Both of you should have the option of 20/30 mins 'me time' in the evening. Also, why can he not eat whilst looking after the child?

Agii · 28/06/2024 23:23

I think it's best to go separate ways. If he does not contribute much financially, not does much in household, the strain will only grow. If roles were reversed, women stay at home and do so much around the house the benefit of doing so has a greater benefit than a second income and a struggle to keep going with such busy life.
But in your case the baby is at nursery for a bit and he could pull some weight in the house.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Summertimer · 28/06/2024 23:24

Honestly, please try and approach this like 2 adults. You are making problems where there are none. At some point full time work for both of you would be useful

Gettingbysomehow · 28/06/2024 23:28

I won't be with a man that doesn't fully support his family any more. I've had two husbands who pretty much stopped working as soon as I married them and who didn't participate in family life at all. I'm sick to death of being the breadwinner.
If he doesn't support his family either by earning a proper wage or fully participating in family life without being a miserable prick I'd chuck him out.

PaminaMozart · 28/06/2024 23:31

Why, if he works the equivalent of 3 full days, do his earnings barely cover his phone bill?

Why did you choose him to be the father of your child(ren) - what has changed, if anything, and why?

Personally I'd be considering my options....... with a view to flying solo.

lovinglaughingliving · 28/06/2024 23:33

Your post says nothing about going for a second go of IVF.
But I wouldn't do it with this man if all he want to do is play top trumps of who has it worse! Sounds to me as if he has a pretty easy ride or it. Also, where the heck has all his money gone? He works 3 days equivalent!!

Harvestfestivalknickers · 28/06/2024 23:39

Why does he bother working if he's not earning enough to contribute? Is the nursery costing more than his earnings?
Please don't tell me his hobby is his 'job' and he's trying to earn a living from it.....

TomatoSandwiches · 28/06/2024 23:45

You're not honestly going to have another child with this loser are you?!

JammyJellyfish · 28/06/2024 23:48

🤦‍♀️ don’t have a second child with this man.

Hateliars34 · 29/06/2024 00:00

I don't understand... Why can't you have a bath in the evening after your child is asleep?

What does your husband do for work that creates no money - not even for his full phone bill?

I wouldn't be thinking of a second baby when you guys are struggling so much with just the one. But if there are things you love about this man, perhaps you could work on your relationship. Sounds like you're both really exhausted and struggling with parenthood at the moment, and getting resentful of each other as a result.

PickAChew · 29/06/2024 00:05

I wouldn't even keep on trying for the second child. He has too much to tie you to him already and I can't see him playing nice over contact, since he has more time at home with the baby than you do.

JFDIYOLO · 29/06/2024 00:14

What on earth is he doing on his phone that eats up three days salary on at least national minimum wage?

What sort of work does he do?

And days when you're 'allowed' a bath??

Yet another reference to domestic abuse on Mumsnet. Controlling your personal hygiene is abusive behaviour.

Please don't have another child with him.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

Recognising domestic abuse - Women’s Aid

Recognising domestic abuse Although every situation is unique, there are common factors that link the experience of an abusive relationship. Acknowledging these factors is an important step in preventing and stopping the abuse. This list can help you t...

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse

YouWillGetThere · 29/06/2024 00:19

Can I put in a word for the other side? I'm a SAHP and the social isolation and loss of identity and earning power is a big drain psychologically, quite apart from all the child care.

He might be knackered.

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 29/06/2024 00:39

So what about this...? Thoughts?

I work full time hours but condense them into 4 days so I have a Wednesday off with my son.

My wife works half days on the other 4 days while our son is in nursery. On Wednesdays she works a full day.

So...neither of us catch a break so to speak. We have zero family or friends to support with childcare so this is what has to work for us.

My salary pays for absolutely everything. My wife's 'work' barely pays her phone bill. But, I don't complain as she looks after my son in the afternoons. That said, I'm resentful she gets to spend time with him but also has a morning off each day (plus a full day weds) And contributes nothing to the household.

GrumpyPanda · 29/06/2024 00:53

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 29/06/2024 00:39

So what about this...? Thoughts?

I work full time hours but condense them into 4 days so I have a Wednesday off with my son.

My wife works half days on the other 4 days while our son is in nursery. On Wednesdays she works a full day.

So...neither of us catch a break so to speak. We have zero family or friends to support with childcare so this is what has to work for us.

Yawn.

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 29/06/2024 01:11

@GrumpyPanda Indeed. Because it's very common the other way around. Being a SAHM is still far more socially acceptable than being a SAHD.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/06/2024 01:21

And contributes nothing to the household.

Does he do anything else aside from occasionally watch your son? He should be doing the lion's share of the cooking, cleaning, food shop, admin, etc. Is he not doing this?

AffableApple · 29/06/2024 02:03

YouWillGetThere · 29/06/2024 00:19

Can I put in a word for the other side? I'm a SAHP and the social isolation and loss of identity and earning power is a big drain psychologically, quite apart from all the child care.

He might be knackered.

This. You seem very dismissive of his financial contribution. And resentful towards his childcare. You both sound knackered. 18 months is still so young, but means you've been at this hard regime for a while...

PurpleyDog · 29/06/2024 02:15

So he works part time and also looks after your child on the days you’re at work.

Why is he a waste of space? Sounds like you’re both exhausted and are now playing who is more stressed than the other rather than working as a team.

And it’s perfectly ok for you, as the wife and mother, to work more hours and be the higher earner, whilst your husband does more of the childcare…

On1y · 29/06/2024 02:23

I am a stay at home mom, and to be honest, watching the baby (especially when I first became a parent) was really taxing on me mentally and often really hard. My husband worked full time and although I would have LOVED to go to work for a break at times, it didn't make any sense. There was no starting job I could do that would make as much money. I also didn't want to work full time anyways because I really didn't want to miss anything with my baby either. It was very conflicting. I didn't get enough sleep. I definitely was starved most of the time because it felt impossible to find time to eat for myself. It made me short and struggle to feel close with my husband at times. Of course it got better as I figured out a schedule better and baby got older. I was lucky enough that my husband was able to recognize that the way I was wasn't the real me. I wasn't like this before the baby, and just needed some extra support until I found the balance. Things chilled out by the time my baby was about to turn 2 years old. I had another baby as well, which also was a completely different kind of adjustment. Luckily, ai had already figured out a lot from the first time. I can't help but wonder if maybe your husbands going through something similar? He doesn't have the mother hormones that we go through. So maybe his burnout happened quicker then some people? I don't know. I am a big believer in making marriages work typically, so husband being a jerk about a bath one time doesn't inheritly equal grounds for divorce in my head. However, I also suspect there are a lot more red flags going on then you have written in the original post. So being a stranger who only knows the little you have said here, it's difficult to say. All people have flaws and struggles, and as much as we try, we are not always prepared for some of them we discover after we say I do. But it doesn't technically mean they can't we worked with or overcome. I definitely get the impression he should try to find a better job to contribute more. If anything, I think it will do him mentally good. In the situation of the legs vs hunger, I personally would have after he said he needed to est, just ask if I could order him pizza if ai was too sore to cook, or sk if I could take the bath to sooth my legs right after he was done eating. I suffer from severe neuropathy and muscle atrophy in my legs, so I completely understand the needing a extra shower for pain part. Lol! But my husband also suffers and gets "Hangery". So I take a little extra pride in ability to handle pain a little better then his hunger. BUT that curtainly isn't the normal thing for people. 😅 so I am not completely sure what the right answer is there. He is definitely being unreasonable, but I don't know him personally, there good be good reasons or at least a decent explanation for him being so. I just have no way of actually knowing. You know what kind of man he was before baby. It's not impossible to have him be more like that again, but it takes some work. In the end only you will know what the right choice is. Your baby is a part of him and he the baby so a divorce which seperates them from each other and that stability, curtainly isn't a small decision. But in some circumstances if there are enough issues, it maybe the best decision for everyone. I highly recommend trying something like marriage counseling before making such a life changing decision for your baby's life. They are usually experienced and can either help you confirm or recommend against your decision. Likely better then someone like me here. Its hard. Parenting isn't for the faint of heart. As for me and my husband, i like to think overcoming the little struggles made us grow stronger and closer as a couple. But it's definitely not a guarantee. I wish you the best of luck! I can only imagine how disappointing it must feel to be going through this after trying so long to start a family together. I hope things get better.

Fintoo · 29/06/2024 02:28

You said that he works a whole day on Wednesday, and works half a day on the other 4 days and looks after your son for the other half days. Then you say that he has a morning off every day and a whole day on Wednesdays. Is this correct? It doesn’t seem to make sense?

StandingMyGround888 · 29/06/2024 02:34

Disregarding everything else, I'd go fucking nuclear re when I'm allowed to have a bath. What the actual fuck is he talking about?

whiteboardking · 29/06/2024 02:42

You have one toddler between you and aren't coping even tho you have a day off and he works part time. There

RogueFemale · 29/06/2024 02:52

In answer to your thread title "Shall I dump my husband just before ivf?" - yes.

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