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Original poster

Would you think it odd if you invited a couple for a Saturday evening dinner party..........

67 replies

Earlybird · 09/04/2008 19:59

.........and they asked if they could bring their children?

Children are 3 and 7, and have evidently never been left with a babysitter - unless it was a family member. If relevant: financial constraints are not a factor, and the invitation was issued with a month's notice.

How would you handle such a response/request?

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MadamePlatypus · 09/04/2008 20:21

Surely its up to you when the evening starts, particularly if other people are coming and have already been invited?

FrannyandZooey · 09/04/2008 20:23

Well, if this is intended to be return hospitality for times when they have entertained and fed you, then I think I would make every effort to accomodate them and their children in whatever way was most convenient, really

if you want an adult dinner party, have one on a separate occasion when different friends are invited - these people obviously aren't up for it and an invitation to do something is just that - they don't HAVE to get a babysitter and have a late night round at yours if they don't fancy it

Original poster

Earlybird · 09/04/2008 20:23

The couple are very involved parents, and 'independently wealthy' (translation: neither works - he 'manages' his investments from home), so have had the ability to be with their children a great deal.

I've suggested to the other couples that they could bring children and watch a film, go to bed in spare room, etc, but others don't want that (and one of the kids has 'sleep issues' anyway, so parents don't want to deal with late night/interrupted sleep etc).

The original purpose was an adult night, beginning at proper time to eat, adult food, maybe a bit of wine and the luxury of uninterrupted conversation...but it's not working out that way.

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BecauseImWorthIt · 09/04/2008 20:25

But if said wife is in need of some help, I think on this occasion you should go along with them. When you get to know them better perhaps you can be more forthright about an adults only evening.

At least you get to see them and they have a chance to make new friends.

BecauseImWorthIt · 09/04/2008 20:26

And when they leave, early, you will still have the other couples there to have a grown up evening with!

Original poster

Earlybird · 09/04/2008 20:28

I've even offered to have a babysitter here at mine who can supervise everyone's kids, while we have our adult time.

Basic problem is, I think, that I'm hosting an evening that is morphing into something it was never intended to be. 'New' couple want earlier start/kids included, and others are, I think, looking forward to the prospect of adult time without kids.

I don't know how to resolve it, and it's rapidly becoming 'un-fun'.

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ROSEgarden · 09/04/2008 20:29

Hi, me and my friends do 'nights in' with both children and none children..for eg a week sat will be NO CHILDREN at my friends house a few weeks ago at my hosue was EVERYONE..so we had 10 adults and 5 children running riot..if they are GOOD friends, make it clear its JUST adults..FWIW I have only EVEr left my dd with someone through the day once (shes 5 next week)and that was the day we moved..if my mum babysits, dd is in bed ealrier than usual..so although i can understand them feelinf uneasy about leaving them im sure SOMEONE in the family could help!?

dolally · 09/04/2008 20:29

Are they from a different country?

In Portugal, we take the kids and our guests bring the kids. We do a spag bol for the children and then they play/watch dvd's, create a theatre show, get themselves icecream and generally keep out of our hair. Of course they end up being taken home pretty late but it's always at the weekend so everyone can sleep in.

It's not usually a problem, the other parents help serve the kids, then once they're done we have a guilt- free proper adult dinner.

I have, once or twice, ended up with more children than adults though!!!

PuhPeng · 09/04/2008 20:29

Will also add that I don't think it's odd for them to be uncomfortable leaving their children with a babysitter they don't know. I wouldn't want to do that either, however checked and accredited and blah blah blah they were.

MadamePlatypus · 09/04/2008 20:29

To please all parties (except maybe you?), I think the solution is to explain what kind of evening is planned and say that the independently wealthy (for want of a better description!) parents can bring their children to sleep/watch DVD in spare room. This is fair on the other couples.

If the IW friends don't want to do this/can't do this, arrange to have them round for a family meal another time.

FrannyandZooey · 09/04/2008 20:31

well is it meant to be an evening that is exactly how you want it, and is only going to be fun if you get to do it the way you want

or is it meant to be an evening repaying the several times they have had you round to their house?

it seems like the two are mutually incompatible, so I would not try to reconcile them

have one evening with your friends the way you want it (ask this couple if you like, but make it clear it is a late night adults only dinner)
and invite the couple who don't want to leave their children for an earlier, family oriented event (you can invite your other friends to this also and if they don't want to come to something with their children, they can similarly decline)

dolally · 09/04/2008 20:32

how old are your/their kids? If they're really young and not likely to go to sleep then I can see your problem.

If they're older and you have the space they could probably entertain themselves.

Hulababy · 09/04/2008 20:32

I would think it odd if the invite was very obviously adults only.

However, we do often have DD wth us at similar groups of adults (i.e. school parents). Similarly, others bring their children to us.

We take PJs, the DDs eat a picnic tea earlier (they love it!) in the evning, then they disappear upstairs to play. The idea is they will eventually fall asleep. They often have other ideas, lol, and have a late night in DD's room.

We then eat later on, drink wine and gossip. Then taxi home.

If child(ren) are asleep they often just stay where they are. Otherwise, child goes home in taxi too.

Yes, late nights for the children - but , you know what, they love it! And as a one off, I personally think it is fine. I remember the excitement of being allowed to be up really late, and DD loves it too.

Hulababy · 09/04/2008 20:34

Oh, and I can understand why they may not want to leave their children with people they don't know - babysitters sought from ads, etc. even where recommended. I wouldn't either. But I am ucky as I have grandparents nearby(ish) and friends who DD can go to. Others are not so lucky.

Original poster

Earlybird · 09/04/2008 20:34

It was supposed to be light-hearted, fun etc evening. One of the 'other' wives is digging in her heels at prospect of earlier night/with kids ('that's ridiculous!' sorts of comments when I suggested accomodating 'new' couple's request).

So, I am caught in the middle.

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BecauseImWorthIt · 09/04/2008 20:36

But I wouldn't compromise on anything else, certainly not start time. It's your evening, your dinner party - if they don't want to come at the time you have stipulated then they can refuse.

Give and take, but sounds like they're doing a bit too much taking!

Hulababy · 09/04/2008 20:37

I agree - I wouldn't change start time, or eating time. They should fi in with that, not try and control the night.

emkana · 09/04/2008 20:39

You say the wife is not very well and they are new to the area, so I think at this time you should try and accommodate their wishes as much as possible, and maybe have the other couple on a different night. Maybe as time goes on the independently wealthy people will relax a bit more and be able to sort out a babysitter? If she is feeling anxious then I'm not surprised she doesn't want to leave her children with somebody she doesn't know.

LadyOfWaffle · 09/04/2008 20:39

I don't think it's odd, DH and I were asked round for dinner (which ended up being us going down to the takeaway and buying an indian to sit and eat on the sofa ) and I didn't think twice about taking DS. But then he is just 2, they are family so not formal etc. I would think it was abit odd if they turned up with their kids, but they have asked... I think that seems pretty normal. Do you have a spare bed to pop them in? I definatly would not be put out of someone was to come to mine, but then wanted/needed to bring their kids... because I know what it's like.

katz · 09/04/2008 20:42

We do same as Hula, children eat earlier, go upstairs to play, adults eat drink and be meery, all leave at about 10ish in taxi's or if children fall asleep then are returned the next day with their cars!

they are fab nights aren't they Hula!

Original poster

Earlybird · 09/04/2008 20:45

I wouldn't want to leave dd with 'just anyone' either, but in the past have taken personal recommendations and have also met babysitters in advance to suss them out and let them play with dd (while I am elsewhere in the house). I think I hoped they might try that too, as there has been a months to 'notice'.

I think they simply might not 'want' the kind of evening that was planned - the intention to reciprocate/get to know better.

Can you tell my inexperience as a hostess is showing - trying to please all, and tying myself in knots in the process. 'But it was supposed to be a nice evening!'

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WideWebWitch · 09/04/2008 20:45

Poor you, I can see that you had a fun adult evening in mind and they are somewhat changing that. I don't think you should change the food time for them.

I think you either

a) let them bring their children, carry on when they've gone at 9pm, don't change time of food though, that's nto for them to dictate imo, have a nice time anyway, their children = down to them to look after really

b) let thme bring their children, have evening with just them and re arrange other couples for another adult evening without any children, so don't invite IW couple

c) Arrange a Sunday lunch thing with children for everyone for purposes of getting to know everyone with children

there are prob other options I haven't added. It does sound as is reciprocating and having a solely adult evening AND getting all mums together isn't going to work all in one evening as Franny says.

PortAndLemon · 09/04/2008 20:47

I suggest keeping "adults only" dinner party for that date and inviting the new couple and one other couple with children who may fancy the "early night including children" option for another date a couple of weeks later. Both options can work, but not together.

Original poster

Earlybird · 09/04/2008 20:48

Maybe this is what happens when you try to make plans with people you don't know well?? Your different perspectives make themselves known in surprising ways.

Thanks for your thoughts. Must dash now, but will check back in later.

OP posts:

cc21 · 09/04/2008 20:49

I agree it seems that if they don't fancy the adults only night, arrange another evening/sunday luch that everyone can attend.

They probably don't get out much and don't want to miss out hence their desire to mold things around them.

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