Advice on 12 year old son and intimacy

[Motherofferalboys]

My son who is 12 is aware that I periodically check his phone to ensure that he is safe and everything is appropriate. Upon looking at his text messages with his girlfriend they are clearly being physically intimate with each other when he's at her house. There is talk of touching under clothing and digital penetration. When she comes to our house I don't allow him to close the door, however her mum is clearly not keeping an eye on them at her house. I don't know where to start in talking to him, but clearly they are far too young (gf is also 12) to be sexually intimate. Ideally, I don't want the relationship to continue, but I risk upsetting him. Please help 🙏

He shouldn't have a gf at 12. She shouldn't be coming to your house...and he shouldn't be going to hers surely. He should be focussing on school, sports and other social activities with friends.

God it’s bloody hard once they become sexually active. The horse has already bolted in terms of acting on their desires. Could you talk to him about consent - show him the tea video - and (for when he’s 16) safe sex? Talk to the girl’s mum about what you know so she’s aware and can talk to her daughter about keeping herself safe too.

The ‘not having a gf at 12’ ship has sailed.
I think the best way to keep manage this is to talk to the girl’s mom.
But i’d not say you saw the messages - because the mom may explode and you’ll lose your connection with your son.

I’d tell the mom you walked in on the kids doing something - make it up. And ask her to keep an eye on them. Hoping that het mom gets worried too.

Then i’d keep checking the messages
to see if there was any changes.

of course - kids will always find a way. But 12 is a bit young, and whatever you can do to delay it - the better.

Do you know if they're considering having sex?

No, I knew nothing of this until a couple of hours ago.

Not sure that essentially berating my parenting is helpful

Of course he can have a girlfriend at this age.
It's round about now that young people do start going out together.

I've been this age too you know. I had no idea or interest in boys at age 12. None of my mates were bothered either.

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe where parents don't want to parent.

I also have a 13yr old son. He isn't encouraged to have a girlfriend and in fact other than having a few "crushes" over the years he knows that he's too young. He's more interested in his mates, school and football. If he mentioned a gf at this age I wouldn't be having her over at my house as its beyond ridiculous. Too many parents want to appear "cool" and accommodating, but this should not be the focus at this young age. If you think it's fine and dandy, good for you.

Additionally @TheShellBeach I see you on a similar thread in chat at the moment where you see nowt wrong with a 14yr old girl wanting to date a 12yr old boy at her school....very weird.

Oh no! So young for that. Gosh. I bet you were horrified. I’d stop them hanging out at each other’s houses immediately.

Speak with her mum to say you’re concerned they’re becoming too intimate and you want to protect them both.

A young boy ended up raping a girl (his girlfriend) all because they were too young and got carried away together. You need to protect him from what he doesn’t really understand. Time for some difficult conversations and some education for him and definitely limit their time alone unsupervised.

Time for new after school clubs to help refocus? Karate?

Good luck

OP, you've posted for advice because you're understandably not happy about the situation. A responsible parent (and I'm not saying you're not one) would recognise that parenting does play a role here to some degree. Your DS obviously has enough freedom/lack of supervision that he's engaging in sexual behaviour, and in response to your asking for help and guidance, the poster pointing out that you need to put some boundaries in place to prevent this happening. There was no 'berating', only pointing out the ways that your decisions so far may have contributed to the circumstances. If you're not willing to reflect on that even for a moment then you shouldn't be asking for advice

When she comes to our house I don't allow him to close the door, however her mum is clearly not keeping an eye on them at her house.

Do you watch them constantly? Name changed for this but a few years ago I let my daughter go to a boys house (they were older than 12 though) and he sexually assaulted her even though the door was open and the parents were in a room that meant they could see in. That didn't stop him though.

I don't know where to start in talking to him, but clearly they are far too young (gf is also 12) to be sexually intimate.

I wouldn't refer to this as 'sexual intimacy' with him because that to me anyway implies that it's about a desire for closeness and that it's a nice thing. At that age it's not, it's about being horny and about wanting to do things so he can say he has done things. So I would be very firm that it is wrong at his age and illegal. Have you not discussed sex with him before?

You need to shut this down and fast. I'd tell the girls mother and not allow him over there. 12 is far far to young. At this rate God forbid he could be a father in a year.

I'd talk to him about what's happening and about being old enough and mature enough to be responsible when it comes to decisions around sex. About not rushing things. And about consent, birth control etc. (in a in the future way)

I'd also tell her parents and depending on their reaction consider him not going there anymore.

This is worrying , my dh parents our SS on all the risks and inappropriate behaviour- I really feel these things come better from a man/ father - is dad in the picture and can he take over in this ? He needs a talking to and if necessary a big scare about risks to him as a young lad and more importantly her.

They may not break up but alone time needs to be prevented though you can't police it all like at school but if start with her not being allowed over and him to hers but explain why

How has it gotten to this stage? Are you certai she’s consenting to all these activities?

I’d tell the mom you walked in on the kids doing something - make it up. And ask her to keep an eye on them. Hoping that het mom gets worried too.

Don't do this - the mum may very well talk to her daughter, and when she says "your boyfriend's mum says she walked in on you", she will swear it never happened (because it didn't). The girlfriend will tell your son, and you'll look very odd for lying about walking in on something. Obviously when it comes to safety, looking odd doesn't matter, but lying won't create a trusting relationship with your son.

He knows you check his phone, you haven't gone behind his back here. So talk to him about it. And if you want to talk to the girlfriend's mum, tell the truth that you check his phone and found messages that show there's been sexual behaviour.

I think this may become more serious. You may find your son is accused of something that he doesn't understand. If you tell the girls parents they could push it to your son and that's not good. I would tell him he can't go round there anymore. Protect him from what could become a nightmare. Or perhaps tell the girl's mum that you believe they need to be kept an eye on, or ask her where they are when your son is round. Tell them you read something about intimacy and you are worried they may take it further.

Twelve!! Are you serious? They are both children. He shouldn’t have a girlfriend and you shouldn’t be allowing any of this. I’m sorry, but that’s the reality. It’s illegal apart from anything else.

They should not be going into each other's rooms (door open or closed) at 12.
As you know that they are already engaging in some really worrying sexual activity they should not be left alone at all.
You also REALLY need to let your son know that they are both mentally and physically too young for sexual activity.

Seriously. Theyre TWELVE. Educate your kids and introduce some boundaries.

I really can't understand why anyone would allow two 12yos alone time in a bedroom. What possible benefit could that be to either child? You need to parent and protect your DS because this is very dangerous territory.

If you must have his 'girlfriend' at your house, then it's closely chaperoned surely? Or just say that 12 year old children do not have girlfriends/boyfriends and don't allow it, we're talking about kids here. Do not allow him back to her house.

Why on earth would you make something up?
You would be putting the girl in an awful position, where she will appear to be a liar to her parents.

You don't want the OP to lose her connection with her son but you think it's fine for the girls parents to think that she's a barefaced liar when confronted with something that the OP said. That girl could end up being majorly punished and lose her freedom etc if they feel like she won't tell the truth even when they were caught in the act doing something.

How do you think that would go down with her son also? He would also know that his mother was lying about what happened and most likely wouldn't be able to see his girlfriend anymore so he'd blame his mother for that and think she made up a lie to cause trouble.

I really don't think you thought that one through at all!

You say whatever you can do to delay it the better, but yet you don't think she should even mention it to her son? Wow

You're going to have to upset him - of course he won't want you to intervene, but that's what parents do. They set boundaries. It's no different to limiting Bluey when he was a toddler.

I have two dds 12 and 14 and I couldn't cope. It's so so young.