Advice on 12 year old son and intimacy

[Motherofferalboys]

My son who is 12 is aware that I periodically check his phone to ensure that he is safe and everything is appropriate. Upon looking at his text messages with his girlfriend they are clearly being physically intimate with each other when he's at her house. There is talk of touching under clothing and digital penetration. When she comes to our house I don't allow him to close the door, however her mum is clearly not keeping an eye on them at her house. I don't know where to start in talking to him, but clearly they are far too young (gf is also 12) to be sexually intimate. Ideally, I don't want the relationship to continue, but I risk upsetting him. Please help 🙏

Stop allowing her going into his bedroom for starters.. I can’t believe, door open or not, this is being permitted. I wasn’t even allowed upstairs with my boyfriend at 18.
Difficult situation, I feel for you, but you need to stop this in its tracks before it goes further.

Both sets of parents need to be in this together. And both need to be the adults.

The children can be boyfriend and girlfriend, no problem. What needs to be nipped in the bud (though frankly, it's now a race against time) is the foreplay to intercourse that's happening behind closed doors.

If nothing else shakes you up, OP, maybe the almost mathematical certainty that it will be your son and not his girlfriend reported to the authorities should persuade you.

And let's stop calling it with a coy name. Before it becomes underage sex.

Gosh are they really doing those things or just "joking around" in messages?

My 12 year old still thinks boys are absolutely disgusting and plays with barbies after school! (I know probably the opposite end of the spectrum!)

Well done on being responsible enough to keep an eye on things. If you know the girls mum I would definitely be mentioning those messages to her so she can keep an eye on her daughter. I would want to know if it was any of my daughters (I would be keeping an eye anyway... But still!)

@Valhalla17 I feel like I'm in a parallel universe where parents don't want to parent.
Quite. I agree with you, and disagree with laissez faire parenting. At 12 he should not be doing this, and the parents should set clear, appropriate boundaries.

To be clear, OP, I think you're being a good parent monitoring his phone. I think people aren't berating you, but 12 is too young. Have a conversation about what you found when checking his phone, and that you have concerns. You want to protect him and this young girl, but it's tricky because you want him to understand your serious concerns.

You’re not like other mums are you? 🙄
Quit the hand wringing and take action. Tell him you’ve seen the messages and sort it out. Ridiculous carry on.

Only you will know here if your son is mature enough to understand the stark realities, but as pp have suggested, he could face some serious consequences for this, even if it does not get to full intercourse.

I think you need to sit him down and chat about this - consent, consequences physical and legal of underage sex, and of course the impacts of any failed contraception.

is his Dad around ? If so , would he be able to talk to him man to man as it were?

if not, and you feel you need help, the school safeguarding team would be helpful.

Sorry you are having this to worry about. There are so many external forces , sexualising them so young.

Good points, @Dearg and if you need extra advice and support, the DSL at school will provide this. You could arrange a meeting, if necessary.

This is such bad advice. Please don't lie, as that didn't happen. Which then could result in the kids lying and covering up as you're essentially pinning something on them that didn't happen.

You don't know for sure how far they've gone physically.

Tell the parents that you periodically check your son's phone and he knows this.
Tell them what you found and what you're doing about it in your home.
12 years old is incredibly young. There's a danger of splitting them up, then the girl could get angry at your DS for whatever reason. He needs to be so careful to make sure he's not framed of doing anything without her consent.

Particularly with how her parents react.
I would be absolutely horrified if my DD (she's only young) came to me at 12 saying she'd had sex.

On the messages, can you see who instigated it? Who suggested it or who started the sex talk first?

Keep all the messages.

10000% this. You worded it better than I did.

Are they are school together because absolutely there were children in my secondary school having sex in school at 12. Two year 7s were caught using the headmasters toilet to get jiggy. This was nearly 25years ago!

Home needs to be a safe place. You need to find the balance of bringing in appropriate boundaries and keeping communication open. Tell him he should be speaking to you before acting without going nuclear making home an unsafe place and they continue with their exploration elsewhere with no adults around.

You really need to sit your son down and have a talk with him about what you have read. What it means and the potentially consequences of rushing into sex. Then decide how to approach the girls parents because at least then you can go in with a clearer view of the situation.