Hate my daughter's clothes

[NameChangeForAFlaming]

DD is 15. She's a lovely girl, works hard, kind to others, but has fallen into the teenage trend of vaping, wearing excessive make up and dressing in clothes that are tight and revealing.

I'm finding this a challenge.

The vaping we have tackled - she accepts that it's a social trend, was influenced by others and is generally stupid for doing it. She says she has stopped.

I am finding her choice of clothes to be really difficult. At the end of her exams and with the summer ahead of us, I gave her £150 to spend on a summer wardrobe. Every item bought it either very revealing (see through shorts/ revealingly short (can see her bum cheeks) or those lycra shorts that have a thong design, so the shape of her backside is fully on display), boob tubes and a dress that's incredibly revealing and very very short. Her two bikins are really very revealing too.

Yes, I know I am sounding like a prude and yes perhaps I'm finding her transition to teenager to be difficult, but I just want her to be able to dress modestly when she's walking around here (or anywhere!). I don't want men looking at her and (in the case of last night) nudging their mates and passing comment. Yes, it's all on those men, but neither do I want her dressing like this to attract attention.

We've just fallen out now because she's come downstairs with my elderly in laws here, dressed as though she's just spray painted lycra shorts and a boob tube on.

I don't know how to vocalise my thoughts to her without it sounding like I'm 90. I can't be in the wrong for wanting her to have some normal shorts/trousers and fitted t shirts? I'm not making any sense and I'm ready for the flaming (I think).

Quote honestly it is better to experiment with clothes and makeup at 15 than later when applying for jobs etc. Let her get it out of her system now. You can't stop men from looking, sadly. I remember walking with DD at the time and men noticing her. She was oblivious.

She's 15 - this is not ok.

We are we so obsessed with not upsetting our children that we sit and wring our hands in despair rather than tell them our thoughts and give them boundaries.

Tell her her choice of clothing isn't appropriate, that's it.
Stop bank rolling her.
Tell her she can buy what she wants when she's
A. Old enough
B. Paying for it.

Said as a Mum to 16, 15, 12, and 10 year old girls.

Also, sick of the 'men will look regardless' like that makes it ok. Why invite a letch to letch over you? Teach her she can still be powerful, beautiful, attractive, and unique without letting it all hang out.

Just because 'everyone' does it doesn't mean it's ok.

I think your mistake was to give her £150 and then let her go shopping by herself (or with friends).

I always went shopping with my DD when she was this age. We did have a few horrendous arguments over a very small number of things I refused to let her buy, but in the main it was a nice mother/daughter bonding thing we did together and enabled me to head off her very worst choices and suggest other options.

We still love going clothes shopping together now she is older. She knows that I want her to look great and that I will support her tastes even if they are not mine and that I will be honest if something really doesn't do her any favours. And I know she will do the same for me.

Modesty is an interesting concept linked to oppression OP by elders (notice I didn't say men). I would let her dress as she wants and agree on a few going out dresses that you both meet half way on. As for the grand parents 🤷‍♀️ they can keep their opinions to themselves she 15 not 50.

I think you have to pick your battles, and this isn't one of them. She sounds like she has a reasonable relationship with you and is able to talk to you about things like the vaping, so I wouldn't rock the boat. I think the whole 'arse shorts' thing, as I call it, is pretty dumb, even at the gym, but it's pretty ubiquitous. I don't think she's doing it to wind you up or anything either, it's just how she wants to dress.

We've been out and about today and near enough all the teenage girls we saw were wearing those sort of things, cycling shorts and crop tops, loads of those all in one sort of unitard things with a little denim jacket. I wore some out there stuff as a teen (still do I've never outgrown my goth phase ) shes experimenting with fashion all teens do it.

In all honesty, shes either going to wear this stuff and you know about it or she'll wear it and you won't. Shes 15, she wants to wear what's in for her age group. I'd pick my battles on this one to be honest, the vaping, I would absolutely crack down on, the clothes not so much.

Sadly, men are going to look, she could be wearing a burlap sack and they'd look, the only thing you can evenly vaguely control about this is the message you send to her about it.

🥱

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the support.
It's so tricky - I see that it's a trend (don't get me started on the tongue out, plumped lip posing) but when you know that they don't actually look any better for it, it's hard!

It doesn't help that my own childhood/teenage years were uber-controlled by a parent I no longer see, so I'm aware that I'm projecting and trying my very best to control it.

Yes, certain men are a menace and she'll get unwanted attention all her life and that is certainly on them and not her. I don't think any female escapes the intrusive male gaze. The feminist in me wants to allow her to wear whatever she likes, but the mother in me wants her to not show off too much. Thank you for helping me feel less like a prude.

'@armyofants
I’m not from the UK but you can always spot British teenagers abroad a mile away because they dress like you describe and wear too much make up. Wherever you are, it’s like they have no sense what is appropriate or not. They don’t even get that other people even their own age laugh at them because they look so tacky and it’s become a stereotype.'

I agree unfortunately.

That particular look is cheap and tacky and also shows a complete lack of individuality.

Goth, New Romantics, Punks, 60s beehives, 90s Grunge...all these teenage street fashion trends were often outrageous but they also were interesting/creative and showed some individuality.

The fake tan, fake nails, heavy make up, fake eyelashes and tight/short revealing clothes is rather sad I think.

When I see girls and women dressed like that the words 'Kardashians', 'Towie', marketing, social media airheads and porn come to mind. So not a good look.

Yawn as much as you like, it’s still true.

I like different styles to, it’s creative. But this looks cheap and is just not appropriate everywhere. But if this is what the British want to go for then that is it, but don’t act defensive when people from other countries think you can’t read the room.

It is the fashion to basically wear tight fitting, revealing and bra tops.

I do not give money to my DD for such clothes - they have to be self funded. However, I do buy the trainers, jeans, hoodies, anything else she wants that I approve of!

🥱🥱🥱

Tackle the vaping with an iron fist.

I was at a graduation party for a girl who graduated from a very conservative religious school. The clothing on these girls was insane. This was a family party, not a teen event.

I try to shop with my own 15yo and it is extremely difficult to find her clothing that she can wear to her non-uniform school that she still finds reasonably fashionable. The shops are catering to this aesthetic right now that shows a lot of skin. If you want to branch out beyond absolute basics, it is hard to find a shirt that isn’t cropped or that has a neckline that will cover a bra.

I never shame my DD’s clothes. I do sometimes point out that an item is probably showing more skin than she realizes. She hasn’t always checked all the angles carefully and sometimes realizes she misjudged.

but clothing is just clothing. My child is at the top of her class academically. She is well behaved and polite. She is a good kid and when she has to wear something proper she puts it on with only a little complaint.

Why is it seen as prudish if a mother does not want her daughter walking out the door, displaying too much? Surely as her mother you can have a talk with her about the type of clothes she is wearing, since you are the one paying for them. I have seen some sights, that are just not appropriate for young teens to be wearing. Shorts so skimpy, as to show off the actual backside cheeks. Who on earth would think that is acceptable for a young girl to be wearing?

I've dressed in a variety of styles over the years. Yes I did do the crazy revealing clothing life stage!

I'd say I'm an tasteful, covered up woman now. I could win the Mumsnet Classy Dresser style awards!

I have to commute a LOT at the moment, hopefully just a temporary thing.

The amount of unpleasant street harassment or comments or microaggressions from people is very noticeable (not just drunken louts late at night. Even people in fairly official roles just looking to cause hassle).

In fact, I suspect it's almost worse as I'm seen as someone "respectable" and "nice" so an easier target as I won't speak out.

(For balance there are some really helpful, civically minded people out there, too).

I am pivoting to getting back to WFH and try to arrange my schedule to minimise issues

but yes, unless you are super-rich or committed to live in a very controlled environment, odd public behaviour is a fact of life.

Dress sense is a complete red herring. My tasteful wool navy coat and understated brown leather bag don't protect me.

If there are safety concerns, then I guess the whole charged mobile/trust your instincts/keep aware conversation can be had.

Also to come up with a strategy for uncomfortable situations.

Obviously there's no "one size fits all" but detaching, practicing self-care, not internally blaming herself, thinking if she wants to escalate...that kind of thing.

Yeah and then there is the we simply don’t want to see people’s arses hanging out really. Not young people or anyone else. Imagine a middle aged man walking around like that. Yuk.

Lost your words?

OP, I can see you are struggling with this and feel conflicted.

As you correctly say, some predatory men will give her and other women unwanted attention WHATEVER she wears. So it is inadvertantly victim blaming really (and, I can see, not something you really wish to do) to in any way link their unhealthy unwanted interest to what she chooses to wear.

"Do not tell us what to wear/ Teach the boys not to stare."

OP, you sound loving, thoughtful and articulate - why don't you have the conversation you are having here, with your daughter? Explain to her the conflict you feel - be open about how you feel it is to some extent linked to your childhood. Honesty between two people who love each other is very rarely a mistake - it almost always leads to deeper understanding.

Don't forbid her from wearing the stuff, but share your feelings around it if you like. Find out what her own views are - has she considered the male gaze? Is she wearing it to court that? (Or the female gaze - no idea what her sexuality is). If so, pretty normal to want to attract people when you are 15..... Or is she wearing it in defiance of that, because she feels it is her right to? Ot maybe just because it's comfy?

Either way, if you talk you will understand each other better, and almost certainly feel better. As happened with the vaping issue.

Just DON'T tell her she looks bad in the clothing, even if you think she does. My mom, who I mostly get on brilliantly with, made a couple of comments about my fat arse when I was younger (she didn't call it that - she was more tactful) and I carry those in my memory to this day. I am sure you would never say stuff meaning to hurt her, but it's so easy to do it by accident - teenage feelings are so fragile.

To me these 2 issues are in completely different categories.
I'd be really upset and honestly disappointed if my teens started vaping.

My older teen daughter wears and has always worn what she wants. I'm fine that she is happy with the body she has and is comfortable with the changes puberty brought.

With no boundaries at all? What if she wanted to go out in an actual thong and transparent bra top? At 15. A minor. At what point would you feel it right to intervene? Or are you suggesting it's all up to her?

It takes a lot of energy to enforce a dress code. I have stood very firm in some areas for example no tight skirts or boob tubes, but I have given ground in other areas for example I will let her get a double ear piercing despite insisting she would have to be 18 first.

It helps to be engaged with their clothing choices so you can genuinely praise them when you like how they have put an outfit together. Sometimes I will say that i honestly do like her outfit, but I don’t like it for her age, so it’s not all negative. I also use old school feminist arguments about resisting the over sexualisation of women, which makes it sound like we’re on the same side.

Honestly, I hate walking down the street and seeing a pair buttocks in front of me. 'Ah but you don't have to look!' Is the usual mumsnet reply. Well I say, they don't have to get their cheeks out and I shouldn't have to avert my gaze away from anything that icks me out when I'm just trying to get to superdrug for some nail polish remover. We teach our kids that bottoms are private body parts and then have to explain why the group of teenage girls outside Spar were all showing sizeable chunks of theirs. Just no. I don't care that they are all doing it. They shouldn't be!

I'll see myself out.

Yeah it’s part of growing up. I know how you feel. However, she may rebel.
best way is to say how lovely she looks, she will like the compliment, but drill it into her when she goes out with friends she comes back with friends. Never ever come home on your own etc.
she will take this advice seriously bc you are saying how lovely she looks.

I’d not like it either but they are all wearing it to be honest op. And many of us went through a stage of wearing revealing clothes, Christ I wore little crop tops and mini skirts, although I was 17/18 not 15. She’s enjoying both being on trend and the attention, it’s new to her still, and she’s immature, shes only 15.

i was going through Heathrow during the week and the woman walking in front of me, with a pram, and her partner, likely early 20s, was wearing this all in one Lycra thing, the top half was like a vest top. It was in a pale pastel green and homestlh one of the most revealing things I’ve ever seen. She was also a bog standard lass.

a couple of years back it was short shorts, I recall walking up some steps behind one of my daughters friends and being amused watching her tugging her shorts down as her arse was hanging out.

im afraid you’re going to have to grit your teeth.