Partner insists on

[mumtobbk]

We have a 4 month old baby - I'm with him most of the day and my partner works from home so sees him throughout the day and then usually takes him when he finishes work at 5pm. My partner most nights puts him to bed but is unable to soothe him and the baby will get very upset. When I go to him he immediately calms down and goes to sleep.

The problem is my partner now insists on putting him to sleep - the baby cried for 40 minutes but my partner insisted on putting him down and wouldn't let me and gets very cross at me if I try... I listened to him crying all that time which was excruciating... I understand my partners needs to be able to settle him but it's very hard to listen to my baby so upset for so long in the other room and not do anything about it... any advice??

Please carry on and let the baby get to know his dad. Go and do something for yourself at bedtime. A lovely bath, a walk in the fresh air, a telephone chat with a good friend. Don't sit and listen to the crying and get yourself all upset, distract yourself and your baby will soon settle with your partner.

Have you spoken about this at a time other than bedtime? I always think it's best to discuss things when you're both calm and not 'in' the situation. I'm wondering what your partner's motivation is?

I think it's good that both parents take active parenting roles, but I've always been very baby led in the early days and taken my cues from them and so if they settle better for me, I do it and my husband can do something else eg bath time, tummy time, cuddle time. There's lots of opportunity to bond and spend time.

Is your partner competitive for his affection do you think? Does he struggle with the idea of you being the 'preferred' parent?

I wouldn't be happy to stand by and let my baby cry for 40 minutes, knowing I could soothe them in minutes. I mean why stress them and yourselves out? At the end of the day, what's best for your baby trumps everything, even if it stings your partner to not be the one with the magic touch.

Why is he suddenly interested in putting him down? Is the baby breastfed?

There are other ways to bond.

I think the opposite to the first poster - I'd just take over bedtime. Listen to the wishes of the baby- more important than that of the dad. They're so tiny at that age and just want you. The baby has spent more time in the womb than the outside world at that age.

The dad can bond at another time of the day/ in other ways.

My kids are nearly 6 and 2 and as babies lived and breathed me yet now are obsessed with daddy so I can confirm it did no damage to their bond with him long term! They both absolutely adore him.

I don’t understand what sort of person would make their tiny baby endure 40 mins of distress just because he insisted on putting them to bed.

He sounds like an idiot. There is no way I would listen to my baby cry for that long and not intervene. He needs it explained that your baby wants their mum currently, and that’s what they should get

It’s not healthy for the baby to be that upset for that long if you can do something to relieve the upset. This is about the baby’s needs.

If you keep going in to take over then baby will be 3 and still only want you for bedtime and you will not enjoy it.
Dad needs to learn how to settle baby as well, perhaps you should go for a walk when it's bed time until baby gets used to this.

Oh this is so sad 😢 go and get your baby! Your partner is clearly not doing this for you or them as you are both upset so why do an adult man’s feelings come before you and your baby. The only thing your baby knows is your voice/ smell etc and they still think you and them are one person. Crying increases their cortisol levels which in high volumes is bad for them, obviously babies will always cry but allowing them to cry for so long just to make a point is pathetic. If you don’t want this which is sounds like you don’t stand up for yourself and your baby now, there are plenty of others things your partner can do to bond with baby and help you if that’s what he actually wants

@TomatoSandwiches a baby this young doesn’t need to ‘get used’ to crying for the sake of appeasing their adult father

Thankyou for all your replies... I'm really upset... I tried to explain to him just now and he's not having any of it and has now said he doesn't want to go to the concert tomorrow I paid a fortune for tickets for.

I think it's really hurt his feelings that I'm saying that only I can soothe him.. I would go in to try to take him but my partner insisted on taking him back off me and started getting angry ... so I don't know what to do in the fear of the situation escalating -

The baby will be picking up on your partners anger and that will distress him even more. Personally I'd take my baby and get out of there. Your partner sounds controlling.

This.

@Boltonb I did intervene, my partner gave him to me for a second and then insisted on taking him right back to put him to sleep ... (the baby had stopped crying at this point) ... but when the baby started crying again I had to let him try to settle him in fear of starting an argument and making things worse... I can't physically take the baby from him... I just thought the best thing to do in that situation was to let him keep trying ..

You partner is very wrong, a tiny 4 month old ONLY recognises you, your smell and sound.
This is unnecessary distress to your baby. l looked after mine when they were tiny and never let them cry with DH at bedtime once they were a year or so they only wanted him, as by then they were secure.

What is more worrying is him getting angry, and refusing to let you step in, it is NOT about his wants, yet he cannot see that and /or doesn't care.

I would leave frankly.

Is he putting him down as in putting him down in the cot and letting him cry? If he is, it's too young to do that and he may have a bit of a misguided view on how babies should be put to bed.

If he is soothing him/holding him/rocking him/feeding him etc I would let him carry on, because it is important to him as well as you and baby that you both be able to do this, it won't happen unless you let it happen unfortunately.

6 month old bad sleeper here. He wants me and only me. 24/7. DH tries to settle him when he can. Does baby like it? No. Does it take a lot longer? Yes. But he's being rocked and cuddled etc by his dad. He's fine. He just wants me.

He needs to learn to settle for him. When he was 5 months old I got really sick. I actually passed out a couple times. I needed rest, but baby wanted me. I was feeding him still lying on the floor after I came round. I was trying to settle him to sleep with over 39 degree fever. I'm going back to work soon. He's going to have to go to nursery. DH is going to have to do bedtimes. So as much as I dislike it, his needs are all met, he is being comforted, and I just need to leave him to it.

You and your partner need to communicate properly. Set some rules. How long before you step in etc. Then people aren't getting mad at eachother.

Your partner is being cruel- to you.

Your baby is fine, safe with a parent. I don't have any issue with a baby crying while a parent is settling him- IF BOTH PARENTS AGREE.

You don't agree. Him bullying you, ignoring your distress is absolutely fucked up. He doesn't get to unilaterally make calls like this over a tiny baby.

You shouldn't be afraid of him escalating.

I'd be insisting on counselling with him, his behaviour needs to be seen to.

Agree on most of this except my 14 week old definitely recognises daddy! It’s really helpful that we can alternate bedtime and night wakes to keep me sane and allow me an hour or two sleep. Baby is BF but dad will often resettle once I have fed. DP did some of the really tough settling / soothing when DS was a newborn and now he settles for bed quicker with dad than he does for me. Absolutely don’t let your baby get distressed for 40 mins because your partner is stubborn!! But if he can discuss reasonably (at a time other than bedtime) share what works to get baby to sleep, agree a timescale - DP tries to settle baby by rocking /shushing/ cuddling or whatever - if baby is still not calming down after 5 min you will help?

Respectfully, I don't agree that a very small baby (and 4 months is very small) should have to 'get used' to being soothed by their dad just so he doesn't feel left out, when their mum can settle them quickly. There is nothing stopping your partner handing him over to you and then him cuddling with both of you and being part of it. Then when your baby is fully settled, you could likely hand him over for a sleepy cuddle with dad.

He needs to get out of his head that parenting is a competition, you will have certain strengths and so will he. Work as a team and play to those strengths. You can settle your baby, maybe he'll be the one to really get him chuckling? Every parent gets a chance to create a special bond and be special to their child.

Thankyou @FlyingHighFlyingLow this is very good advice 🙏🙏 and I'm sorry to hear you were so unwell and in that situation..

I'll suggest a time limit as this seems very reasonable 🙏🙏

Thankyou so much everyone. It's very helpful to read all of your insights and I'm so grateful for all of your advice. Xx

Tell him to grow up and stop putting his own immaturity in front of what his baby needs. He's could compromise in getting the baby ready for bed and you take over but he needs to look at the big picture. He's being very selfish. There is other ways to develop his bond, if he dies more at bedtime and helps you or be in the room when you settle the baby then the baby will gradually like him settling him too

Absolutely fucking not. The baby does not need to learn to be soothed by someone else at this age. He could insist all he wants, I'd be taking that baby off of him and seriously questioning how controlling he's being.

My son is nearly 3 and has settled fine with my husband since one year old when we started to share bedtime. He sleeps a dream. Until one year old that child does not need to be settled by his father. Actually makes me angry reading that he's "insisting" on this.

This is disgusting. I would honestly leave my husband if he behaved like this. I cannot get my head around it.

Can you not both settle baby for a bit then try just him?

Otherwise you'll find you are doing everything and grow resentful and it won't be down to his lack of wanting to be involved