Partner insists on

[mumtobbk]

We have a 4 month old baby - I'm with him most of the day and my partner works from home so sees him throughout the day and then usually takes him when he finishes work at 5pm. My partner most nights puts him to bed but is unable to soothe him and the baby will get very upset. When I go to him he immediately calms down and goes to sleep.

The problem is my partner now insists on putting him to sleep - the baby cried for 40 minutes but my partner insisted on putting him down and wouldn't let me and gets very cross at me if I try... I listened to him crying all that time which was excruciating... I understand my partners needs to be able to settle him but it's very hard to listen to my baby so upset for so long in the other room and not do anything about it... any advice??

Hmm, my DH was involved in settling our babies to sleep some of the time from day one so we honestly never had this issue. DC2 was still breastfeed to sleep for bed time at that age so I obviously always did it however if he needed resettling in the night after a feed (or for a nap in the day if DH was around) DH would do this. Neither of my babies ever settled better with me tbh. It's also not true that a 4 month old doesn't know their dad! If their dad has been an involved care giver then of course they will already have a strong bond to them by 4 months old. Babies will know their father's voices from before they're even born if dad is a part of family life and talks a lot around a pregnant mum etc.

I wouldnt have your DH do every single bedtime though, that also doesnt sound sensible to me. I'd alternate them, which is what we did with DC1 who was bottle fed by 4 months old, and what we switched to when DC2 was around 8/9 months old and didn't fall asleep from a breastfeed anymore. It's good to have children have strong bonds with both parents and means if one of you is sick or unavailable then they're settled fine and comfortably with the other parent. Also both my kids cried quite a lot, DC1 especially often cried for hours at the age of 4 months and nothing either of us did would soothe her often. One thing DH found helpful for her was carrying her in the baby carrier or holding her and bouncing gently on an exercise ball, they might be strategies your DH might find useful if not already. Both our kids also had dummies.

Your partner seems controlling and competitive, he is hurting you and the baby. He should be prioritising the baby's needs and should hand the baby back to you if he cries. Why does he get to insist on doing bed time if the baby is crying for you, why don't you insist too. Cancelling the concert is clearly to punish you for disagreeing with him. Settle your baby and let him sulk, there's plenty of other times to bond. Is he fine with you spending one on one with the baby or is it just bed time that he interferes?

Thankyou all @dunkdemunder that's a good idea I suggest we do it together next time it happens.

@WhyamInotvomiting - thank you for this! I agree time with both parents is very important.. DH does spend a lot of time with him - and spends a lot of time with him in the carrier and definitely recognises him..

@Jerusalemaa thank you for your feedback.. it seems like the majority of opinions rule towards taking the baby to settle him which is helpful to hear and gives me more confidence if it happens again.. and yes he's happy with me spending time with him during the day on my own

A 4 month old baby (BABY) does not need time to learn to settle himself, this sounds more like your partner has an ego problem

Leaving a baby to cry for 40 mins will lead to long term issues - it's awful, please don't leave your baby to cry themselves to sleep.

I get a physical response to my baby crying. I would actually find it physically painful to listen to DC crying for that long. I think it's great that he wants to be a present and active dad. However, I don't think this is the way to do it. I think it's cruel and baby might start having a negative association with dad. I think it's better for him to do this that make the baby happy in order to bond like bath time or story time.

Have you talked to you HV about this? I also worry about how you talk about him like your scared or him.