5 year age gap - having doubts in having a second

[december2020]

We have been debating having a second child.
The first couple of years we just weren't ready with DS, then DH was worried about finances.

DS is now 3.5 and we're in a position where finances could line up, so thinking about having a second.

I've always wanted 2 DC, it just felt complete for me.
But now that DS is turning 4 this year and realistically we'd only decide around September/October, there would be a 5+ year age gap and it is making me reconsider.

I always envisioned a 3-4 year age gap and who knows how quickly we'd convince.so there could be a 5-6 year age gap and I just don't know if that feels like too much. Of course aware we can't plan conception so 3-4 year age gap may have never materialised.

I'm in my late 30s right now and we're slowly coming out of the baby and toddler phase and the further we get away from it the more I'm unsure if I want to go through it all again as we're finally getting back to "normal life".
But also the biggest factor is how far apart they would be and with that, potentially how little overlapping interests they would have.

Of course no one guarantee siblings ever get along, but would this age gap really build a divide from the start.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences, was there a point you decided the age gap was just too big or has a bigger age gap worked wonders for you?

I have a 5.5 year ago gap, they're 15 months and 6.5 now.

It has been very hard, I won't lie, but considerably easier than it would have been if DD1 weren't now semi able to do some things for herself. DD2 has been extremely challenging and if I had a younger more reliant child it would have been bloody impossible.

It's been great only paying for one set of child care at a time and I've also enjoyed that DD1 is at school, so I've had plenty of time with the baby. Baby is now coming into an interactive and fun age, and they have a beautiful bond.

It's likely/possible that in a few years they will go through a stage of having vastly different interests so that will be tricky I'm sure.

But yes the age gap has worked well so far!

There’s 7 years between 2 of my kids and it’s lovely.

My brother is 5 years younger than me. Our Mum says she’s glad it happened that way (not by choice, they struggled to have a second) as I was helpful and she would have found two very young stressful. From my point of view, I had nothing in common with him until we were both in our 20s. I found him hugely annoying once he passed the age of about 2! But personally I’d rather have had him than none. (We are 55 & 50 now and get on well. Our sons were born 10 weeks apart and are good pals)

6 years between my two and it worked so well that my daughter is waiting until her child is five before trying for her second

We're pretty sure we're one and done, but leaving the option open until the age gap is too big for us. For us, that's a 5 year age gap. I just don't think a gap that large would suit the lifestyle we want. Mostly that's for travel reasons- we don't want DS to miss out on the optimum time to do a trip waiting for a second child to be old enough. But also general life, we don't want to have to always divide and conquer because each child needs different activities.

Also, DS is nearly 3 now and already the idea of going back to the baby stage is highly undesirable. When I look at friends with new babies, I always think "thank god I'm not dealing with that!". Potty training is the last "baby" milestone we have left and I imagine going back to the baby stage after that would be crushing, never mind another year or two on top.

My two are five years apart. Although not planned it has worked well as they were both able to have my time when they needed me.
My two have a normal sibling relationship and the age is not an issue at all.
It has come in handy later as GCSE and A level clashes and an older sibling to help the younger to an extent.
It's like the relationship often between the oldest and youngest in 3 siblings so that that unusual really.

No A level and GCSE clashes that should say!

5.5 year age gap with mine. Not by choice as I had some health issues.

Honestly it was very hard at first as DD1 had only known 100% of attention from both her parents for a lot longer than the traditional set up. She did struggle.

But like other posters her being able to be left alone for a bit and doing things for herself made life so much easier. I can't imagine how those with 2 tiny ones cope. I could not have managed.

School means I get time to do things just for me and baby. I love it and it is amazing seeing their love for each other.

My brother is 5 1/2 years younger than me, and it was lovely growing up. I loved helping look after him, and then was happy to babysit when we were both older. Also, due to the age difference there was never any competitiveness between us, so we very rarely, if ever, argued or got jealous over things as we were at such different stages. We were really close even later into childhood/teenage years. And of course, the age gap means the older one is old enough to know not run into roads and whatnot, and is in school so you get 1:1 time with baby. I think it’s a perfect age gap to mean things aren’t too hectic!
I’d love to have the same age gap with mine, but my age means we’ll probably aim for a 4 year gap.

I wanted a 3/4 year age gap. I got a 9 year age gap 😂

Life does not always go the way you want it.

I actually love the big gap as my first daughter is absolutely brilliant with my second and can genuinely look after her.

Don't worry too much about the 'what if'. Have another child because you want them and everything else will sort itself out.

I have a 5.5 year old ds and a 10 week old ds.

I always wanted this gap as I wanted to be off in the first year of school so my ds1 wasn't in wrap around care all the time and I had lots of time to focus on number 2 when he was in school.

So far so good. Early days of course but ds1 absolutely adores ds2. He is very helpful and understands when we can't always do what he asked straight away.

However, my friend has the same gap but 2 girls and is finding it really hard as her eldest is very jealous of the youngest...so I guess what I'm saying is it's hard to know how it's going to work!

I mean any age gap has its positives and negatives. The only family I have seen with this gap has been tough for them- literally nothing they could do together for activities easily for so long until they were sort of teenagers. It’s partly personality wise though- some older siblings would take on the helping role and you get to do 1 on 1 with both more easily, some will be frustrated and bored by there being someone to curtail their fun activities.

I’ve got a 4 year 11 month age gap, which was sort of by design. DS is now 6.5 and DD is 1.5. It’s been absolutely glorious.

They are very close and DS has doted on DD since the day she was born. Never, in 18 months, has he been fed up with her or jealous. We even put her to bed together in the evening and he tells her how much he loves her and what a beautiful girl she is. I’ve had chats with friends recently about how utterly amazing it’s going to be for her to grow up receiving the affirmations that he gives her on a daily basis.

As for DD, she just hero worships him. I
pray it will continue for life but even if not, at this age and stage, it’s been just wonderful!

I have 8 years between my 2 by choice.

One just 8 and the other 16 very soon. For me 2 or more close together would be hell - personally.
A lot of people prefer small gaps and I admire anyone having small gaps.

I have a 7 year gap between eldest and youngest, also have a 5 year gap. It's actually a really common age gap - I know it doesn't always feel it because so many people talk about two under two. I did have two under two and whilst that age gap has positives it's so much easier to wait until the older child is more independent. Also there is something so special in watching your elder child get properly excited for a new sibling.

That's really interesting!
It sounds like the age gap has been generally positive all round!
I don't know what it is but the larger the age gap is becoming, the less desirable a second feels. And to realise and accept that is making me a little sad.

When I hit 4 years since DD1 the sudden urge and broodyness came out of nowhere and hit me like a brick.

I'm a few months ahead of you. My daughter was 3 by the time we felt ready to contemplate having a second. It then took 8 months to change the medication I needed to treat my treatment resistant pnd to ones safe for conception and pregnancy. I stopped my contraception 2 months ago and seeing what happens. My daughter is 4 in August. I never wanted a small age gap. There's 4 and 7 age gap between me and my siblings and my dad has 2-21 age gaps between him and his siblings with one of my aunties just 5 years older than me so large age gaps aren't unusual in my family.

I’m the opposite I have 14 months between mine and oh boy is it hard work. They are 5 and 6 and fight constantly. I feel like I live in a permanent state of stress with them both.

My sibling is I are five years apart and found each other very annoying until 20s. Get on well now in 40s.

Thay may not have much in common as young children, but I'm always pleased about how my two much older children get on despite age difference.

There is a 5 year gap between my eldest 2. It worked really well. The eldest was really helpful after a few weeks of insane jealousy . . .

I have a 7.5 year age gap. It worked out well and has advantages - no sibling rivalry or fighting, paying for hobbies at different times, older one could entertain younger one for a while whilst I did stuff. Not at university at the same time.

From my perspective as the little sister I can only say positive things about an age gap like that. My siblings were 7, 10 and 14 years older. When I was little they looked after me so well, were so protective. And now as adults we're genuinely the best of friends.

Obviously you can't guarantee sibling relationships but it's all been positive for me! My husband on the other hand has a brother who's only 18 months younger and they basically have no relationship at all.

I think you need to base your decision on what YOU want to do

Hi op,

I would have the child based on your own, and your dh's want for a baby, and not whether there'll be a sibling bond.

Age gap can matter in some cases, but usually it is largely down to personality. There are 6 years between dh, and his brother. Dh maintains they don't get on, because they have nothing in common, didn't grow up watching the same TV programs, couldn't play together as were too far apart in age. When dh was a teenager he found his little brother highly annoying. I actually think even if the gap was closer they are just two very different people, and wouldn't have gotten on regardless.

You can absolutely never guarantee your dcs will get on, no matter on the age gap. Please don't let this be the determining factor, in whether or not you have another dc. I think as a parent it may be more challenging in that you have two dcs at different stages, meaning it may be tougher to please both activity wise. Again however there are cases with two close in age with wildly different interests regardless.